Friday, February 19, 2010

In Her Hands


I was in her hands. I wanted to be there. Fact is, my hope was that being under her care would make things in my life well again. I hoped the next hour would make all the difference I needed in my life and that somehow, this time with her would bring me serenity that I have been desiring.


However, extrinsic rewards are more like a band aid. My turmoil is within and needed more.


I went for a manicure, my first one! Nice lady and I went with a friend which added all the more joy to the event.


I would so like it if my world could start anew.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Red Barn Princess Promise


What I am going to write about today might seem unreal...just a fantasy. Truth is...every word I will write is truth, even if it seems not so. As I began to form the post into words, I found myself moving into a dream state, as if I myself could not believe it were true.


...and so it was, after 30 some years, they once again found each other. They were different and yet so much of what was (their love) still remained. As days, weeks and moths went by, their love grew more intense. The princess wondered how it could be. She often thought that one day she would wake to find it was all a dream.


The princess had lost her prince, her one chance at true love long ago. Now the door had been opened for them to love again. This time it would be forever.


...and so it was, the prince and princess took a ride...hmm perhaps it was on his white horse through the meadow. They talked, they walked, they laughed, they held hands, they gazed at the night sky and searched for star clusters having differences on what was the little dipper and some other constellation.
...and there it was, the Red Barn. Could it have been the prince took a piece of hay and twisted it in his mouth as he worded what he had so many times before, "which hand?" It doesn't really matter the setting because I assume at this point you have a vision of your own in mind. Her response was to point to his right hand to which she received a lid to a white box.
Hmmm then a giggle.
Again he held his arms behind his back and repeated, "which hand?"
Figuring their were no options left but the other hand, she pointed and received an empty white box.
Hmmm the lid fits perfectly. What a nice gift it was. Could it be the empty box was not quite so empty but a representation of all their life could be and it was up to them to fill it up?
With a sudden swoop of his hand he presented an open ring box to her, although upside down, it brought great laughter to the both of them. It was a promise ring. There, in the red barn the prince slide the promise ring on her finger and vowed a promise of his love to her now and forever.
And there you have it....the Red Barn Princess Promise. From that moment on, she would sail on the wings of his love as he moved her gently to his shore. She was to be forever safe in his tender arms. It felt as though they were surrounded by angels swaying in the air, blessing their commitment to each other. She knew that each day and each night, her prince would dance her through their life together, forevermore.
The End

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Speaking


I haven't written in awhile. I know, you don't have to send me a memo. I am still here, the words are in me, yet I don't speak.

I've tried to write. I've tried to speak. A flood of tears begin to surface. I can't continue on in those moments and so I retreat, leaving my words unspoken and safely hidden somewhere inside. I don't want to cry. I've cried enough.

Life is a bowl of cherries. The fruit is a delight. Don't dare bite into one or you will run into a pit. Tis true, life can be the pits some days. Even in the best of times, pits have their way of surfacing.

And as I focused on school, work and tasks at hand, I shouted out - please send someone Lord, for me to cry with. Someone who will understand, listen and help me through the pits - the uncertainty and puzzles in my life. Where are you God?

As I finally spoke my heart, I heard the Lord say - "I am here as I have been all along. I have been with you during the best and worst of days. I hold your hand, I hold your tears and your heart too. I will forever love you, just as you are. The tears - life is not easy but you will survive. Don't hold back, let the healing tears and my love comfort you. The pain - I know it seems unbearable at times but this too shall pass. You will be stronger one day. The pain is shaping you into the person I've called you to be. I take each step in your day with you. I guide you on the path, when you let me. Sometimes, you get in the way. It's OK. I am patient."

I have talked more to people lately than in the past about my life. There is still so much I am unwilling to burden others with - but I need help. Some people are rocking my world right now. I can't figure it out - the whys and what fors.

I'm hurt
confused
saddened
a little lost
I'm struggling.

Tasks I don't want to do and yet they need to be done are at hand. Words I don't want to say and yet they need to be said are necessary.

I think someday, maybe in three years time, I will look back and say that life was not so bad. For now, I hold back and surround myself with a protective wall so I am safe, so I can survive.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Panic

Seems I am still prone to panic attacks. I don't like them. I don't like me when I am in the midst of one. I become someone I don't understand and can't find control over the situation. In some cases, I can't seem to find a sound enough mind to return to my normal self, which is not exactly normal but at least I do exist in a more soundly fashion.

So what will it take? Counseling, medication, a change of scenery....I really don't know.

I have never been one to discuss personal issues. Even when in counseling I would usually say all is OK rather than fine because I knew that was a mis-statement or state this face is modeling a pretender. Pretending all is well, rejecting reality, is what works for me in some areas. Getting to the depth of the issue is what I need to do but not sure exactly where to begin. Frankly, at this point in my life I don't even have the time to work it through so I just keep plugging along hoping the hand figiditing and leg shaking will melt away.

I do have a kinda sorta plan to help me in the days ahead. I have a doctor appointment and hope I will find some answers. I suppose though I will have to work beyond stating I am OK and really don't know why I made the appointment to begin with.

Silly me

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Looking For A Land

I took a deep breath and walked away. I was searching for an escape. I knew I had to in order to maintain some pretense of normalcy. Maybe the Land of Honalee where Jackie Paper lives will set me free or Xanadu is nearby and I keep missing the exits.



There must be a place somewhere is this wide world where peace lives. Where people are kind and caring. Where feelings are validated and life is more serene. A place where sunsets are worth viewing and falling stars are wished upon. And sometimes, wishes do come true.



I suppose it is only a little girl fantasy and a big girl dream.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Have Faith


...and so he said to her, "did you see all the stars?"


She opened her eyes just wide enough to view out the window at the night sky. Not one star was in place. Her response was the same one she had said the night before, "There are no stars."


She dismissed his comment and said good night.


Sadly she has been missing what he was trying to tell her all along. If you have faith, if you just believe, the stars really are there. Fact is, with enough imagination and faith, nothing is impossible or too out of reach.


Tonight she viewed the sky and saw nothing but twinkling stars despite the rain clouds. She wondered if he was out there somewhere viewing the same sky she was.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Phone Call

I was at work when I was sent a message that I needed to call a certain someone. I was in the midst of dealing with a crucial situation but felt I had enough strength to handle the phone call too.

....and so it was, I punched in the numbers and reported to the one answering on the other end, that I was returning a call. She put me on hold. Oh lovely!

I truly thought I was deep into my new way of life, the new me, the strong and no turning back, nothing is going to stop me now lady I had become.

I was wrong.

I stood there alone in the staff room. My legs began to dance in nervousness as I listned to th voice on the phone. My eyes were focused on a stack of candle magazines displyed on the nearby table as I tried to distract or remove my mind from what I was being told. The conversation started off OK until the person I had been listening to raised their voice at me and demanded answers to questions I had responded to the day before. I thought it was clear. Was it that person had a need to vent and I had won the top choice award? Frankly I would prefer no award at all, I just want my life back. I knew I would not find it in the next few minutes. Not as long as the vomit was flowing through the phone in my direction. Was it intentional to upset me, to catch me off guard?

Then the "I'm sorry" came. The I'm sorry is ALWAYS followed by a "but". 'But I had a bad day'. 'But I don't feel well'. 'But the moon is on the rise'. It never really mattered what the reason. I had only wished the I'm sorry would be all I heard. It was enough. With the added blame sharing, the I'm sorry drifted out the door.

Tears were in my eyes. I fought them back as a staff member walked in the room. She mumbled about how delightful something she saw on the table was. I didn't care. Nothing mattered at that moment unless she was going to offer me a place for a melt down. Which is kinda sorta what happened as I walked through the work room and down the hall, passing staff and not really being aware of who they were. A dark shadow loomed, blocking life in me and from me. I noticed I was whipping my hand with my fingers. I never did like that nervous habit and was glad to see it gone. Now it is back.

I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I was scared. Scared that I was lost again and what if I can't find myself again.


I thought it was over. I thought I had made it. Maybe the fat lady hasn't sung her last song yet. I wish someone would call her on stage and get this over with once and for all.

As I didn't know what else to do, I made my way through the rest of the day somehow. Must be I have some inner auto pilot that kicked in. On my way home a vehicle pulled in front of my on the freeway. I recognized the license plate. It was the same person who had verbally assaulted me on the phone a few hours early. I turned my blinker on to take my exit. They turned their blinker on. Seems they were taking the same exit I was. I wondered if it were a coincidence. Gloom rode beside me as I took the long way to my destination. The person I was heading to meet who I knew would know the right words to say to help me find sanity was busy. I guess the Lord wants me to handle this one on my own.

It is going to be a long and lonely night.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I'm In Love

Yes I know, you are surprised to hear that. So was I.

Just so happens that it isn't what you are thinking. Knowing me, being in love could be anything like a new mop or a cleaning product. I love to clean, truly I do and find it exciting when new cleaning products come out.

However, this is a new area for me. It involves music. I borrowed a few cd's from a friend. Neil Young is his name, the artist that is. I fell in love the moment I heard his unusual voice. What wonderful deep songs he writes and sings. I have listened to him non stop for a few days now. I do sleep and I do go to work but in between there, Neil and I are becoming friends, although it is one sided. giggle I think I am obsessed.

I like the way he views life. You can hear it through his songs. He sees life a lot like I do, kinda sorta. What I mean in that is he sees beauty in all things. He doesn't miss anything in the dawn or the sounds of the birds singing the announcement of another day. I wonder if he has a donkey and rooster in his neighborhood that he writes about also.



Ok, enough about Neil Young....

Saturday, February 6, 2010

What Color


What color is a funny person? I ask because there must be some color that would describe me or at least, the recent me.


I think I will choose royal blue. Don't you think every princess should have at least one color to describe her with the word royal in it?

But then again, does a princess act funny? Perhaps most don't but this one does.

Here is what makes me believe I must be funny in a weird sort of way... I have at least 20 plus pairs of earrings. I must be totally honest and mention that I have one half pair also. I lost the other hoop but love the earrings so much I have held onto the one hoop in hopes one day the other will surface and all will be well again. The earring thing, I rarely change my earrings.

I have several necklaces but wear one.

I have one purse. I have had it for about 5 years. I love it. I get compliments on it often. I know where everything is even when it is overloaded.

The straps have been wearing out to the point where I felt certain one day as I walk into my favorite WalMart, the purse would fall from my grasp as I stroll through the parking lot. I kept saying that I needed a new purse but couldn't bare to toss the partner I have had for that many years. It has served me well.

However, the purse died. So...till death do us part and now I tote around a new purse. I was determined to not enjoy it as much as my old one as nothing could replace it. Truth is, I love it even more. I suppose I kinda sorta quickly got over the death of my last purse. There aren't purse police so I don't suppose I have broken any laws but I do feel badly all the same.

My new purse has pockets that zip so if I find myself once again, toting around more receipts than I need to or used napkins. The good news is I can cover up the mess with one swoop of the zipper.

I think the purse was made for me. I wonder how long it sat on the shelf waiting for me...

I told you, I am a funny weird sort of person.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Can't Help It

and so she said to me....well, you already know what she said.


I can't help it or at least I think I can't. I suppose truth is, I don't often try.

Are you wondering what I can't help?

PONDERING

and

Letting my mind and words 'Rambler' on.

After my friend made mention of my missing out on a portion of my past due to circumstances in my life that had kept me kinda sorta chained to my home, I thought of all the times I was asked to participate in events and girls out days over the years. All the trips I wanted to take to visit my mom and the mission trips I wanted to go on.

I worked up some saddness but got nuthin'.

I worked up some joy but got nuthin'.

My conclusion is God covered me during those times. Just as in my youth when hurts were everywhere and beyond comprehension and yet, the Lord shielded me. I believe His love covered those times from what was and what could have been until the day came when I was free.

I'm not cold or choosing to ignore what has been. I just don't feel I need to remember my hurts, even though there are days when they surface. The pain is not as deep as it could be and when I do feel it in those times, I am certain that God's plan is for me to use that pain to minister to others who are hurting just the same.

For now I am going to continue to focus on what will be, on my dreams and my tomorrows to come.

and so I shall




Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Best and The Worst




...and so she said to me, "You must really struggle with all you have missed out on."



Hmmm
I hadn't thought in that way until she mentioned it. We were out shopping. Not to buy anything in particular, just girl shopping. I guess she is right. At the moment it was the best of times. In fact, lately it has been the best of the times of my life. I have a closer relationship with one of my sisters and plan to go visit one of my brothers, I have been shopping, out to lunch, out for coffee, spent time doing my favorite alone time things, had a food party in my new place and going for a pedicure next weekend.

So tis true, it was the best of times and yet, in its way, the worst of times as it is a fact that I have missed out on a lot. I won't look back though. I will keep my eyes focused on future adventures and keep the joy fresh in my heart rather than dwell on the missed out on moments. I won't look back in my journal to read days of my past when I was sad or feeling minus from what ifs.

I didn't know when I was blogging this, nor did you, but tomorrow is part two of this. Why is it lately I have had two and three parters....must have a lot to say or doing a lot of pondering...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I Don't Get It

After all these years, you are saying all the right things but at all the wrong times.


What took so long?


I wanted to hear all those things long ago.


It wasn't like I didn't let you know.

I did everything but shout.


Why the change?


Did it take a shock in your life to bring this new you?


Are you being promted...I wonder.





My conclusion-


It's too late.

You don't get it.









Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Groundhog


I work with five and six year olds. Groundhog Day was coming up. Fact is, today is Groundhog Day...so, Happy Groundhog Day!

I wanted them to know what is was all about, perhaps expanding their world just as I am expanding mine. Although in a different sort of way, I am very aware of Groundhog Day. Hey! I watched the Bill Murray movie, I understand the whole deal surrounding Groundhog Day....giggle

...and so it was, I read them a story at their level on the groundhog. I gave them handouts to work on. I even had them make a groundhog puppet. At the end of our time together, I asked them once again to tell me what Groundhog Day was all about. They looked at me like deer in headlights and without mouthing a word I heard a chorus of 'whaaat'?

That is kinda sorta how it was for me the other morning. I shared with someone how I was feeling as I try to work through demands I have placed on myself. They gave advice. They offered suggestions. I adore the person who was having the conversation with me and appreciated all they had to offer and their time. However, the dreaded question came...'Does that make sense'?

They said it with a smile and I feel they were thinking...'ok, problem solved, case closed, now move on'.

I had to respond. It is the appropriate thing to do but my response was not going to be the one they wanted to hear or see. I don't think they saw the same look I saw on the childrens faces but I knew inside I kinda sorta had a deer in the headlight look on my face. I was mouthing 'whaaat' but didn't want to say it out loud.

Thing is, I do make lists of what needs to be done or at least what I think needs to be done to keep my life as organized as possible, making sure I meet expectations. When some people on my list keep making changes is when I run into trouble in my world. The funny thing about the whole conversation is the very person I was talking with was one of the ones who I feel, keeps changing my list.

Serenity will come. I will find a way to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself. I will work through my need for perfection and needing to please as I stated,they are my worst enemy. I will vision what I feel an ordinary day is where I can feel more carefree and keep that dream close to my heart. If I do, my desire is that it will become reality.

Part three tomorrow


Monday, February 1, 2010

Pressure



I close my eyes and try to imagine what it would be like to feel from the very depths of my being, exactly what serene is. What would I need to change, to do differently in order to feel more carefree...and so I ponder.

Was it too much at once - the freedom that entered my world.

I said I do best at baby steps. Somewhere along that road, leaps and bounds took over. Now, today, at least at this moment, I am suffering from those giant steps I took.

Dark, damp and cloudy morning is what I work up to. Last night I was so exhausted I did not have strength to lift dishes to place back in the cupboard. I fell asleep while working on the computer.

However, changes have entered my life for the better. Everyday has evolved more and more into all that I dreamed and visioned it could be. So what's my problem - what are the issues that are rocking my world.

...and so it is...I do as I too often do - I analyze.

What is an ordinary day for me now. I haven't taken time to figure that one out. Each day is so full to the overload zone. Each day is different, things keep changing and being added.

OK then -
I am where I want to be. That can be checked off the list.
My children are in my life which is important to me. That can be checked off the list.
Responsibilities -
hmmm -
over the top.

I place too much pressure on myself. Must be the Navy upbringing. Having to have my ships quarters just so. Perhaps perfection and needing to be a people pleaser are my enemy.

I haven't left myself any time to just sit and breath. Why do I place myself in these volcanic situations knowing an eruption of some kind will surface.

part two tomorrow