Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wishes


If wishes came true, my life would be a redo, with the knowledge I have now...then maybe life would be sweet but not without mistakes as I am human, even though I feel a kinda sorta alien at times. And most certainly, I would make HUGE changes in what I say, do and where I am today.

Or perhaps,
if wishes came true....
I should simply wish
to fly away

Monday, March 28, 2011


We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt.

It can hurt people we love,
people we don’t,
people caught in the middle,
even people who would give anything if they could just never, ever get hurt again.

But sometimes the hurt can’t be avoided. It’s just coming at us and can’t be stopped, it’s in us and can’t be seen, or is lying next to us in the dark waiting.

But sometimes it doesn’t come at all. Sometimes, we get this other thing that flutters down out of nowhere and stays just long enough to give us hope.

Sometimes but rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most and expect it the least, we get a break.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

New Territory


I entered new territory recently, kinda sorta had to cross boundaries. My mind whirled in chaos. It was an odd sensation when one day I found a comfort, a glad heart and a wee bit of peace in this new land. I am still out of my comfort zone but those around me are not sensing my uncomfortableness. They accept me. hmmm odd

Even more unusual is the world of routine that I have lived in and felt the most a part of, now is where I am very lost. Some how, without my intent, I am
a stranger.

Change, yes, I have encountered change in my life and am doing my best to adapt. It has not been an easy road but one
that I knew had to be. However, it seems the changes are causing others to be unhappy with the new me.


...and so it was...I questioned every step I have made in the past year and tried to understand where they
were coming from, what they were viewing. I spent a great deal of time pondering what it is they wanted from me, what I needed or could do to help them be more accepting of me as I am. Then I began to ponder why many of those I call friends, were not accepting me. They knew there were drastic changes in my life. There are changes taking place in many peoples lives that cause a change in the way they walk through their days, how do they handle it all?

So, what to do.... accept that it is what it is???
and so it is....I wonder....again

Saturday, March 12, 2011

He Said She Said


He said......... she said

It was more like

They said..........I said nothing

I wish I knew how to speak up for myself. I prefer to endure rather than make waves. Most of the time I find making waves creates more of an issue than the issue was to begin with.

I am weary

I can't even remember how long it ha
s been since I started my new life as a single person. I had been married 31 years. It felt like I was thrown into a new world. Everyone from strangers to friends offered advice as to what I should do, how I should live and spend my days and nights. All I knew is I needed a change and desperately wanted to discover who I wanted to be...who I was.

My mind opened
to possibilities and the change began. It wasn't easy. I work long hours having to work two almost full time jobs but sometimes 'it is what it is'. I admit there have been and are times when I loose track of what day it is, especially when I wake up in the morning and have to take a minute to remember what job I am going to. So, I put up two calendars, each one listing special events I have to remember like birthdays and a play day with a girlfriend or one of my sons. I put down paydays and what bills I would attempt to pay.

At one of my jobs, I am in a position that is new this year. Having been there eight years I am use to the process and tasks but this year I am changing tasks almost every hour so my mind has to move with the changes.

I punch the time clock from that job...so to speak...and head off
to visit my sons and check on how homeschooling is going for my youngest son. I am not especially pleased that I have been put in charge of being the solo one to handle the homeschool process being that he has two parents but again, 'it is what it is'.

Off to my second job. First I have to stop off at home to change clothes. In the beginning I took my clothes with m
e and changed in the staff bathroom but felt a need to take a moment to adjust by coming back to my apartment and change there. That way I can take a breather from the jet pace my life has become. It helps.

My second job is enjoyable. Kind of
a nice way to spend the evening. I am learning a lot and know the expectations more clearly than I do at my other job so I find I am more productive.

I'm rambling...I know....but with a title of ramblings you expected that didn't you?

~~

They said I was

sporadic
not the old me
appearing unhappy
appearing tired
not communicating
over worked
not taking care of myself

They said I needed to be the old me, the one they were familiar with.

I said.........

nothing

I guess that is not completely true. I did say OK. I did listen. What I heard is that 'they' are not understanding that I recently went through a death of a marriage and still trying to adjust. It affected my wo
rld in a big way. I feel the duty to make certain my children feel stable and still loved just as when I was living with them. I have to take on two jobs to make ends meet which takes up a lot of hours in my day. I have a person in my life that sends me text messages with a plea for help at random times and I feel a need to stop what I am doing and work through a process to help them. That person lives in another state which makes it tricky. In the midst of whatever I am doing at my job, I have to focus on that persons needs because I care and promised to have their back. In a matter of a few minutes I then have to refocus on the task of my job while pondering on what text message will arrive next from that person who I love.

When I am a
t my second job I don't keep my cell phone with me. When I get to my locker at the end of my shift I often times find 7 to 10 text messages ranging from my children to that person along with other friends who want or need and then there is the occasional 'hello friend' ones that I welcome. I sit in my car in the parking lot and respond to the texts the best I can knowing I should be curled up in bed dreaming sweet dreams.

I put my car in drive and head home. Chores to do, clothes to iron for the next day, figuring out what to eat as there has not been time fo
r that in my day but find I am too tired to eat so I head down the hall to my bedroom, close the door and crawl in bed. I wish sleep came easy but it doesn't. You would think after a long day I would be but my mind is on overdrive going over the day and making sure I didn't miss anything.

The wee hours of the morning arrive as I watch the digital clock rotating to new numbers. Somewhere in the not so quiet darkness of night, I fall asleep. I wake often hearing the neighbors laughing and chatting. arggg My eyes open and I see it is already time to wake up. I wonder how long I a
ctually slept. Doesn't matter as I have to get up and get moving........welcome to another day Nancy, ready or not...