Every Step....A Journey

How did you survive? I feel like a willow wafting, just drifting through a churning mess of life.

I can't really say for sure how I survived. One step at a time I guess. Some days I slipped and fell hard. I waited for someone to help me up but there were times when no one heard my cry for help.

Maybe you didn't speak loud enough.


All I know is I am here now where the air is clear. I can breathe, it's kinda sorta hard to explain. You don't think you will make it some days, at least I didn't know for sure how I would or even if it was possible.

It seems I am doing all I can do but the storms - they kept coming, one right after another. The tears are falling like the rain.

There will be times when the tears will flow and times when you are barely holding on. Moments will find you like I was, holding on to words, feelings and people of my past. Some things are hard to let go of.


I have more I need to know, more questions that need answers......

Questions - don't ever stop asking them.
Answers - they will come in time.

there is much she is fighting inside, even though the smile on her face hides the battle well.

piece by piece, she is falling apart.

with every beat, her heart slows down.

there seems no turning back on what you can't save, for the broken hearted.

still, time ticks on. there is not always a second chance.

her world is filled with strangers, even the reflection in the mirror reveals a stranger.

how does a shelter become a prison? where is the key, where is the best way out?

cold silences fill the empty spaces she roams each day and silence keeps her awake in the dead of night.

the night sky is filled with stars that are falling down...and she wonders....where did she go wrong.

maybe she danced on the moon too soon. maybe she lived in the shadows for too long.

there are times when even the best laid plans fell apart in her hands and good intentions never end the way she intended them to be.

it's tears and rain as memories flood in. she searches for comfort in the pain and wonders.....when the time is right, will she close her eyes and find her dreams become reality.

Point Being...

My point of this day's blog is to ramble so please don't stop midway and say hey, I was never warned that this would ramble on and on while I search for the point of it all.

~~~~

I wish life events came with a warning. I am not a kinda sorta girl that likes surprises and well, life has plenty of them. That does not mean I don't want to participate in life or always stand on the sideline of life, but I do a lot of baby stepping which keeps me safely within my comfort zone.

All I ever wanted to be was a mom and a P.E. teacher. I remember one lonely day when I was 17, coming home from school and finding the house empty...again. When I ask mom about that ... some 40 years later, she claims I am WRONG, she was always there when I got home from school. Hmmmm go figure

I walked over to the hearth above the fireplace that mom never used, picked up my senior picture and wondered who I would be one day. That is when I knew a mom and P.E. teacher were going to be my goal.

My older and younger brothers were both gone from home at that time, my two MUCH older sisters ;) had gotten married the previous year, my father had requested mom and I move from California to live in the wet state of Washington right before he passed away in October of 1971. I remember the month so well as if it were still a current event. I remember a lot of wondering going on in my brain during the days when we, the family, sat near dads hospital bed in Long Beach, watching him slowing become a stranger until one day the bed was empty, he had moved on and left a lot of unanswered questions - in my mind, and an empty space at the head of the dinner table - that is, when he was home.

The odd thing about that month that gets me is my younger brother was born in the month of October and was there a sign or reason for dad passing away during that particular month? I find most things in life are not just by happenstance and so I have pondered that over the years.


I became a mom. I did not make it as P.E. teacher. I did not have friends to speak of growing up but have a plethora of friends now. I still can't do rock the cradle with a yo-yo but I can unwrap a dark chocolate candy bar in perfect silence while sitting in a movie theater. I run funny, my boys tell me I run like a girl. hmmm But I am a girl I tell them, to which they reply, "No you're not a girl, you're a mom." I responding by telling them how delighted I am to have that knowledge for my journal and will be sure to share the info with all the other non-girl moms I am friends with at our next 'gotta have ice cream' night out. I can't play piano or guitar, both of which I wish I could, but I lip sync very well.

I wondered what the point of my life was ... again. Do you do the same thing - from time to time ponder what you have accomplished and look around at just where you are in life and mumble, 'what's the point?'

If by chance those words cross your mind, think about this, if you will....

Is it not a fact that where you are in life at this moment, whether pleasant or not so pleasant, revolve around others? Are you not a gentle ripple in many lives? The child at a park, who sat with feet dangling from a swing, their arms stretched up high and hands gripping the chain and you wondered how such a tiny body even hoisted themselves up that far to get into the seat. You made a moment happen no matter how insignificant it may have seemed, as you walk behind them and gently guide their motion until their feet are sailing in the sky. You helped a friend out who needed a listening ear. Have you baked more brownies than you felt were safe to have in your home and shared with staff at your work? You made a ripple of joy in the world. What about the phone call to your parents?

So, to say your life is pointless, is kinda sorta like saying those people have no point or meaning either. Am I right or is that crazy talk? Even if you are in a place right now that is so dark you can't feel the warmth of daylight, if you think that nothing you do or say makes a difference, when last night began the first of every sleepless night, if there is pain in your heart ........

You can fill that paragraph up with your own thoughts. All I know is that I kinda sorta feel that I have nothing to offer. I never feel I do enough for my children, that I must not have been good at being a wife or things would not have ended as they did, and at times, I feel I let my friends down when my too short budget does not allow me to hang out as often as I am asked. So, what then is the point.

Point is, if my sister were to say the very same words I would tell her how much of an impact her early morning text messages mean to me and what would I do without her if her text didn't come one day. If my youngest son felt that way too and did not text me preciously at 9:00 p.m. every night to tell me good night and he loves me. If my friend from Turkey thought those thoughts and did not show up for work so I could see her smiling face and hear her contagious laughter when I tell her a joke (that I would have to explain due to her lack of the English language BEFORE she laughs :) ).

I guess what I am rambling on about is when you or I feel our life seems pointless, and you or I feel we don't seem to be making headway at all...

as for me....I will ponder those in my life that have made a ripple effect bringing comfort, joy, laughter and a reason to face another day, to mine and then rethink how I am feeling about the gentle ripples I make.

Morning Conversations....

These are the days of our lives, she said to me and this day has been marked in permanent marker as laundry day for the past 60 some years. Being she is who she is, I don't know what is worse, the sorting or her recapping the sorting rules.

It is cold. I want to move south. Want to go with me?

Let's go!

When is the next flight Ethel?

~~

Why is it you and I seem to have issues with out past that interfere with moving on?

Can't get too far beyond it. Stuck sorta. Don't know the key. I feel like I am a day late and dollar short. Then I think hey, what just happened? Why am I the only one who doesn't know?

Crazy how the mind works and every day stuff triggers memories I would prefer to extinguish. Maybe if I blink three times I can move on.


Some days I am done with it all. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm just not going to win or get ahead or figure life out. Mostly it is the people in my world I can't figure out. I try to do my best to stand up for myself and speak my mind when I need to but some folks only seem to hear sounds flowing from my mouth. Might even be they hear blah blah blah. I wonder why that is. Could it be I have been to passive for so long that I am not taken seriously?


I think I'll be ok but deep inside I don't really believe that. Somehow I feel small, too weak to stop all that keeps falling in my life.

Hearts Break

...and so it was, not so long ago, the man turned to the lady standing near his side and echoed the words...."I still love you." She did not return his love, her heart had been broken too many times, leaving her empty. The love that was had not survived the battles.

A moment passed and the man who had just professed his love that lived on in his heart, turned to another lady in his presence whose hand he held. He spoke to her saying, "I love you."

That was when the first lady who believed she had broken the heart of the man who loved her still, knew the words he spoke were only smoke and mirrors. Maybe he did not have a heart at all.

Love can be a beautiful thing but the first lady believed she would never find true love in this crazy world. Hearts break and forever is hard to find. Her dreams and her hope is fading.

I yearn for...

blind devotion

unthinking and unwavering

a cause, a thing, a principle worthy

of absolute loyalty, a truth self-medicating,

a love un-abating, something, anything to which

I relinquish all personal responsibility, semper fi.

till death do us part - to the true believers, the lucky few, of thee I sing

The Norm

...and so it was, I had some good news that I needed to share with a certain someone. After all, it did involve him in a kinda sorta way.

I knew I didn't like talking to him but at the time I had forgotten why. So, I began sharing what I had to say. The news was a profitable situation for both of us.

He said "great", then added, "it was a burden to me."

Oh, hmmm

It is odd the simple words that can cause someone pain and they did. I wondered why there could not be a conversation with that person where nothing negative would enter in.

I hung up the phone feeling kinda sorta down. The excitement of my good news took a downward spiral. Oh bother

The phone rings. I pick up and say hello. The familiar voice of the one who just turned my smile upside down is on the phone to report that the only reason they were a bit gruff was because they had a bad day.

That's OK, I thought to myself, everyone has bad days once in awhile. It's not like he talks that way to me every day...........oh ya, that's the reason I don't like talking to that person, that's the way the talk to me all of the time.

bummer

Some habits are hard to break.

Running

I have a friend I never met...yet. You too? Isn't that how it works sometimes?


I told her in an email, that sometimes I feel like running away. If it weren't for my sons I just might consider not actually running away but making a move to another state just to make a fresh start. Sometimes, those around you and places you frequent, won't allow you to change and make a new beginning.


However, that might not be the answer. After all, the grass is not always greener on the other side. ... or so it has been said.


What do I want to run from -
pain
pessimists
a life that is running me
a world that is spinning faster than I can

At my age, I don't think anything fast would be a good thing. :)

Even though at times, life seems to be a disaster, when it feels as though all I have done to begin again comes undone, even when time seems to slip through my hands, I will keep pushing through another day.

So Mr. Monday, this is me, coming at ya!

Days Off

I had a couple of days off from work. I was alone. Plans I had to be somewhere, just didn't work out. Perhaps that was a good thing. I had time to ponder, time to clean, time to complete tasks from the huge pile of 'to do' things.

Conclusion of my ponderings.....

There are many things that I'd like to know and understand - about me - about you.

Life is filled with more mysteries than I care to participate in. Relationships, MEN, why my feet are cold when I have on socks and shoes, why the heater in my car won't heat up as soon as I click it on, if the frost that blankets my car appreciates the burgundy color it rests on, as much as I do....

I keep looking for signs. I need a sign, something I can see. Yep, life is a mystery.

If this life has a meaning, I wanna know. There must be more...

Are there people out there who take time to truly listen to words when people speak. Why is it I find so many people aren't really listening?

Is heaven watching over me all of the time, because some days I feel very alone.

Why is there so much suffering in this world and why is it I can't stop caring about the forgotten and overlooked people, young and old, that fill the streets, schools and homes.

Some people say love but it's only a word they use. What is with that?