Sadness

The past two days I have been having a hard time dealing with my emotions. Darn those hormones! I have been feeling sad and down. I was not sure why. To be honest, I even wondered what I had gotten myself into. If the change I made, the move I made, was not the right choice.

I was alone. My car battery had died so the aloneness and the stranded feelings added to my mind wanderings. So here I am, Monday, back at work and have a new outlook and ready to ramble. Are you ready to listen ... or read in your case?

This morning while getting dressed for work, I could not shake the sadness. The tears kept welling up in my eyes. I was sad because I didn't want the sadness to show and felt unable to accomplish that. I was sad also for no apparent reason at all.

On the way to work it became clear. Funny, but in my car when I am away from the world, is when my personal space becomes truly my own, I am more able to think. I also find it more easy to hear from the Lord.

The change that took place Saturday the 21st, when I moved to a new location went fine. I went to work each day, came home and sorted through boxed items and placed things where them seemed the most appropriate to be at. All was well.

This past weekend was different. I was off from work for 4 1/2 days. I was away from familiar territory. That also meant I was not able to see my sons. I realized that the change that had taken place, the one I had waited for and embraced had been the reason for my sadness.

Are you wondering why and how? So did I. Then I pondered and chatted with the Lord. Had I made a mistake Lord? Was I never to be happy. Would sadness, nightmares and worries follow me all my days? Was there no where I could find true happiness?

I think I heard the Lord giggle. I know I felt His hand touch my cheek and I know I heard His comforting words.

The change did not seem so real when I was continuing in the rest of my world, in the familiar territory. It was when I was apart for so long from the place I feel at rest and I gained energy from - my work and from my sons who I adore, that I became sad from.

I felt a confirmation I had made a right choice in my move. I felt an understanding for my emotions. I was normal after all! Hurray.

I am looking forward to growing more. I am thankful I have good friends and Jesus by my side at all times. I am thankful I know have more insight into what was going on in my princess brain. I do wonder how large a princess brain is. Do you suppose a princess has a pea size brain or a crown size brain? If I get to choose, I choose the crown size brain please.

I do not have time this morning to write more. Are you happy about that? I am just glad that it all makes sense now. I am in hopes that the nightmares that waken me with fear and sweats in the night will stop now. The face of the person I see in my dreams standing there stiff and silent but somehow able to inflict fear and panic on me, I hope will now fade into the fog, kinda sorta like the fog I drove through this morning on my way to work. I don't like the feeling. I don't like the feeling of sad even though it is a perfectly normal emotion. I'm not over the sadness yet or the lonely feeling I have inside but I feel confident these next four days will be filled with more gladness than sadness.

I am back now and will be able to write more often again. I missed writing. I wrote a lot the past two days but without a computer I was not able to post. Now I have the task of trying to decipher my scribbles and hope I can translate those into a post in the next day or two.

giggle

Have a great day.

Posting

I am unaware of all who view the blog posts on pinkramblerramblings. I do appreciate you. I want to let you know that a major change is happening in my world right now that will keep me from posting for a few days, at least until the first of December.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.

It doesn't seem fair somehow. I am not sure what I expected. Well, I kinda sorta did, but what I am seeing, feeling and sensing were not on my mind's list.

I wonder if they are thinking reverse psychology would do the trick and accomplish gaining what they want from me.

Whatever it is, I am puzzled. I am hurting more than before. I thought this portion of transition would bring more peace to my heart, instead, it feels the knife is digging deeper.

Maybe worrying is a part of my life I will have to accept for awhile.
Maybe hurting will be an always thing I will have to accept.

Tired

She told me I looked tired.
Hmmm

I did not want to hear that. I had not noticed the look of tired on my face when I was putting on makeup that morning but, just maybe the tired I feel inside is showing.

Tired, yes I am tired, but perhaps more weary than tired...

of hurting.
of taking on burdens I am not suppose to.
of the hypocrisy, mixed messages, pretending, and double standards.

I am tired of all the questions that I don't have an answer for.
I am tired of making up answers as the "I don't know", is getting old.

Most of all, I am tired of conditional love.

In the recent changes that are entering my world I needed a break, somewhere to take in a breath of quiet. I stopped at a park to view the lake, to watch the ducks as they scramble for bread that I was tossing their way, and I wonder who will be the deliverer for their next morsel of food.

I wonder if they worry when the traffic ceases with the onset of Autumn and they will have to fend for themselves. Their beaks don't display a frown or a smile so how am I to know?

With the changes that for certain are entering their world now, could it be they are feeling weak at the notion of a new season? I know I feel weak from the changes.

Will the mommy ducks feel they have failed if they cannot provide for their duckling? I know at this moment, I feel I am failing in many areas of my life.

I wonder if they will gather together and in that, find strength and courage to fly away to another area where it is warm, where the water is clear and food is plentiful. I wonder if it appears I am flying away or does my course seem more set and not so random. I wonder if when I get to where I am going, I will find water that is clear and food plentiful, water being my thoughts and food being my needs.

I have a lot of questions. I feel broken. I am ready and yet I am not.

The Jungle

Once upon a time, long ago and far far away, lived a gentle woman in a jungle. The jungle was filled with tall trees and plants of every kind. The scents and sights were nothing she had seen before. The gentle woman had fallen into the jungle when she was but a youth after following a familiar voice she heard calling her name. The voice led her into a labyrinth of sorts. There she had gotten lost. There she shed tears as she walked her way through the loneliness and perplexity of the maze.

She came across warmhearted creatures from time to time but she felt alone even still. Her heart cried out to be free. She was fed. She had all the basics of life that she needed, yet something was missing. She felt it deep in the pit of her soul. She longed and yet did not know what the something was that she longed for.

Some days she walked the same path she had the day before or weeks before. Frustration turned to fear of never escaping, of finding her way out. She felt hopelessly lost. Until one day the fear turned to surrender.

...and so it was, she lived amongst the vines, the creatures, and tall trees. She slept in caves along the way. It was a mysterious place but she was finding ways to make the best of things and embrace her new way of life. It didn't seem to matter anymore whose voice it was that had called her to enter. It didn't matter anymore what was or what could have been.

What the gentle woman did not know was, the further she walked, the closer she brought herself to the castle that awaited her at the end of the maze.

...and so it was, from the other side of the jungle lived a lion. Each day he went in search of food for he did not have a lioness to hunt for him. He was not quick. He was not brave. Many days he went without consuming one morsel of food to satisfy his ravenous appetite.

The lion became ferocious as his hunger grew. He was provoked by the slightest upset in the jungle. The lion became bitter that he had no one to hunt for his meals or groom his mane. The raging lion was becoming weak and unable to fend for himself.

A light wind was moving through the jungle, and the lions sensitive nostrils caught scent of the gentle woman. He stalked the jungle in pursuit of his quarry. The stronger the scent of his prey, the quicker his gait. The lion grew tired of the torturous windings and broke through rows of maze until it was, his keen eyes spotted the gentle woman.

His tail whipped in anticipation. The jungle suddenly fell silent. A thunderous roar from the lion echoed. Hungrier than ever, he leap forth with lightening charge toward his victim. With powerful paws, razor sharp teeth and gnashing teeth, the attack began.

The lions rage was equally compared to the compassion the gentle woman had inside for all creatures, including the beast that even now, tore at her clothes and body. She knew he did not truly want to destroy her. She had an inherent sense that the once majestic creature had been beaten down, was lonely and was filled with longing just as she was.

She made no moves to protect herself. She allowed the attack, feeling somehow her sacrifice would relieve the torture that had built up within the lion, freeing him to move on, freeing him of his weakness and perhaps somehow, setting them both free.

It seemed a nightmare until a moment of clear thought came upon her. She opened her eyes and raised her arm. She placed an open palm against the lions chest. She felt for his heart. Once she felt his heart beating beneath her hand, she held steady, her arm stiffened. This caught the lion by surprise. He too could now feel his heart powerfully beating. He became more aware of her presence and what his passion was causing, but it did not stop his desire, it did not quench his hunger, he wanted more but her kindness, her gentleness caused him to hesitate.

It was in his moment of hesitation that she made her escape.


The mind holds wounds of the body - even after healing.

Strangers and Feelings

I am not acquainted with anyone there, if they spoke to me I would not know what to do or say.

But so far nobody has.

I don’t participate, I’m not allowed; I just listen, and every morning have a moment of such happiness, I breath and breath until the terror returns.

Sometimes I see people actually look into each others eyes and hold hands a moment, but that is just a sometimes thing and I sense it's not for everyone. And, as I am not everyone, this presents no real problem.

I don’t know what I am doing there. I do notice the more I lose touch with what I previously saw as my life, the more real my spot in the dark days of Autumn becomes.

If only I could tell someone how I truly feel.

People have told me I've changed.

Truth is, I think I have found myself.

Hangin'

I bought a new outfit today. It is a comfy kind of outfit. The kind you would just 'hang' in, that is if you hang.

Hanging means relaxing and since I haven't perfected that art yet, I don't know what possessed me to even buy it. I do not have sweats or lounge wear or even worn jeans to slip on. I have spent most of my life 'being ready', from the moment I get up until I crawl into bed at night. After all, that is the Navy way, or so daddy said.

With the changes or perhaps more accurately - improvements to my life, I am determined among other things to remedy my lack of relaxing.

I thought the outfit was a nice way to start - baby steps. giggle

I know that just putting on the clothes won't be enough but I have to start somewhere.

Just so happens that my new job position involves working closely with two friends who have perfected the art of relaxing. They actually have fun and relax on their days off, they relax when it is break time at work...go figure!

hmmm I suppose then, by the time I get comfy and use to my new set of threads, I will be ready to take some lessons from them.....

I am aware that it might not be I find myself relaxing in a hammock on a white sandy beach sipping something cool from a straw in a coconut. Most likely I will discover just how comfy a couch can feel when you sit back and put your feet up, or just how pleasant it can be to eat snacks while watching a movie on TV, I might even learn how, when it is break time at work, to actually GO to the break room and sit down with staff instead of using that time to keep working, but you have to agree that the hammock image is too great to pass up! With all the rain we have been having, what else but a warm sandy beach would be a better place to learn to relax?

Now...do you suppose the beach boys would be touring the weekend of my 'learn to relax' adventure, and sing Kokomo or some other white sandy beach tune...all in the name of education of course!

Violation

...and so it was as it had been for days, the morning greeted her tired body with yet another moment or two of violation.

...and so it was, the day had arrived for her to tell them of her plans.

The youngest was concerned of the loneliness her absence would bring to his life. Who would listen to his stories, who would share in his joys as she always had?

The next one was silent at first. Then the questions and wonderings of reasons behind her decision came. He blamed everyone else for what was to come and yet there was no one in particular to blame at all.

The wise and strong one supported her and a new bond grew as no other time had been for them.

The words she spoke to the oldest one came from the love in her hurting heart. Her stomach wrenched in knots as his deafening silence fell like a heavy weight in her lap. His tears were mixed with angry words toward her. The pain he was filled with he said was on her. The unlivable circumstances she was trying to correct was causing a change from what should be to what he felt was wrong. He told her she was causing his world to collapse. "This cannot be. I refuse to accept this change. This just cannot be."

...and so it was fitting with the overflowing of emotions she was keeping locked inside, that the raindrops would fall from the sky, soaking her hair and face as she walked on the country road that led from her home. The cold air warmed her inside for at last there was something she could allow herself to feel and not be to blame.

The End

The Whispers

I'm sitting in a car in a parking lot. I left home 30 minutes early for work today. Why - because I needed to find peace and quiet before I begin my day. It is becoming more difficult to find calmness these days.

This moment, sitting here, kinda sorta with no real purpose, reminded me of a letter I got from one of my sisters not too long ago -

Dear Nancy,

I am sitting in my car in the carport. I needed a break from the chaos and the questions. Mom thinks I am cleaning my car. I don't know how much more I can handle.

Love,
Sis

Why are people in the positions they are in?

My fault

I'm a people pleaser only I forget I am a people also. I've placed others above myself until I am so down I can't see the sky. For most of my life, even in childhood, I discovered if I make certain those around me are taken care of, are pleased, then I survive.

I wondered how it is that one of my sisters now sits in the same position as I am, surviving...

But that is changing some for me.
I have been slowly taking a stand.
I have been slowly finding my voice again.

And, I know God hears my voice. You know how I know? I will tell you about my ride into work, or actually, my ride into town to sit in the parking lot.

On the way to work this morning, I put the cruise control on 54 instead of my normal 58 - I am in no rush.

Dead up ahead on the horizon, are mountains. The sky is filled with clouds. Straight ahead of me, hovering above the mountain top is a cloud formation in the shape of a rainbow. No kidding! I kept it in view.

As I rounded the bend in the highway, I glanced in the direction of where the cloud formation would now be. It was gone. The whisper I received from God that morning was there in the rainbow cloud. It was a moment I needed and a whisper I needed to listen to - and then it was gone. It was an inspiration to go on, to know my prayers are heard, to have courage to make it through one more day. To know I am cared for.

I realized I need to keep watching and listening for the sweet whispers from God. I smiled and felt assured that I am not as alone as I sometimes feel.

Obstacles have fallen on my most recent path. Some are too heavy to budge....so I think that maybe I am not suppose to move them yet. Dare I walk around them, climb over them or is it I am to find more inner strength that certainly must reside inside me, and wait for the obstacle to be removed on my behalf?

My heart is tired. It has been a tough process. Some days I am not as able to handle the obstructions and hurdles.





I wish tomorrow would come with more haste. I feel I am about to lose my grip.

The world seems a scary place right now. I search for a book with instructions on how to paint my life with courage. I move along with a desire to see my life in a more grand view. I feel certain if I can accomplish that, I will be changing my mind travelings to a positive state of anticipation and higher expectations. I will welcome each night and day. I will breath more fully and not merely attempt to survive.

"Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it...." Dale Carnegie

Quotes

"All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle."

Emerson

~

"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."

"I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent. "

Mahatma Gandhi

~

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Arthur Conan Doyle

~

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

Albert Pine


~

In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.

Sir Francis Bacon

~

"A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know."

Diane Arbus

~

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."

"The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body; after all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind."

Francois de la Rochefoucauld

~

"There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts."

Voltaire

~

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

Khalil Gibran

~

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."

Helen Keller

~

"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed."

G.K. Chesterton

Kinda Sorta Different

I know I am different...kinda sorta.

I know each of my 5 children are different from the other...why, I don't know. I raised them all the same. Even still, with me growing up with 4 siblings, am I so different from each of them, being raised by the same mother and daddy.

One of my children calls me ma.
One calls me mama.
One calls me mom.
One calls me old lady...giggle
One calls me ... well...all he ever says is 'hey' so I guess that is what he calls me.

Even in the way they view me, the word they use for me is different.

I remember when each of my children were babies - fresh...isn't that funny, but they were just that ... fresh. Tiny infants, laying in the crib, sleeping their first few days of life away. I sang to them while they slept, one at a time of course, I didn't give birth to them all at the same time! With each one I had a different song. Don't know why but at the time, as I stood there leaning on the edge of the crib, embracing the moment, taking in the scent of the wonderful fragrance that only a newborn holds, I was inspired by certain songs. Blessing or not, each time they slept for their first few days of life, they got my voice in song while they slept. Perhaps the love I was feeling overrides my voice so they were able to continue to sleep peacefully while I squawked out in song.

Ok, so now you know once again how much I adore my children. That is not what I came to the computer to type out to you today though.

Differences. Puzzling to me. Most of the rose bushes in my flower garden have given up their blooms and yet one yellow rose holds on. They all drank the same sunshine and rain and yet one is different in that it endured far longer than the rest. That caused me to smile. That compelled me to reflect on people, myself and life.

At home I feel different, like I don't fit in. Being the only female in the home besides Pretty Kitty, I suppose might be why. At work I feel I don't fit in. I have to work at being comfortable with conversations taking place around me and work through words and thoughts to say in order to join in.

Even with one of my bestest friends, I still feel different when I am with them. Even though we have much in common which to me, is amazing, I still struggle with wonderings of why. Why am I so different. Why can't I feel like I fit in except when I am alone.

Even through the differences, while I travel in this current stream of life, I will do what I can to make the best of it, to embrace each day and each moment as it passes my way.

When

I have filled out stacks and stacks of job applications online and in stores and offices. I did interviews. I drove to many cities searching for places to find a job. I walked malls, going store to store leaving resumes.

After months of the effort, turns out the job I got was the one I wanted all along. It was right in front of me the whole time. A dream job for me actually. A job I never applied for or even considered there being an opening.

Why do I do that?
When will I get it?

My son was having banking trouble. Being new to having an account, it was all a bit complicated for him. He had several pages of documents to read through and figure out. I tried to help and read through the pages. I knew what needed to be done but one piece of information was missing. All we could do was wait until Monday. It was longer than he wanted to wait but it was a have to.

Sunday, I gathered the documents in readiness for a phone call to the bank on Monday. They were there, under my hand. I looked down and the top page had the number and the information we had needed. No more waiting, it had been right in front of me all the while.

Why do I do that?
When will I get it?

I went shopping with one of my sons. A rarity these days with two of them working now. We went to a shop he likes to frequent. A place he was unsure if I would enjoy. I loved the store. I loved the fragrance in the store and all they had to offer.

My son and I walked through the shop. I followed him as he pointed out one thing after another that he liked...his birthday is coming up...do you suppose there was a hidden agenda on his part? giggle

On the way home, he showed me two back ways to get to our home just in case of flooding. In this part of the world, we have had way too many times of severe flooding. The drive took longer since we were on back roads. We chatted about more personal things than we have ever brought up before. My son told me he loves me. My too tall son gave me a hug. Right when I thought he had gotten too old to hug his mom. Right when I was wondering if he was thinking spending time with his mother was not cool.

Why do I do that?
When will I get it?

Dice and Life

He shook the dice then gave them a toss. Unhappy with the results, he scooped them up in his hands and gave them a longer and harder shake. The dice fell from his hands. They rolled to a stop. He looked puzzled that his technique had not provided him his choice results.

With a sigh, once again he scooped up the dice. He held his hands eye level. The dice clicked together between his hands. He made a small opening between his fingers to peer in at the dice. His hopes and dice were in motion.

The moment came as his hands lowered to the table. The dice fell obediently from his open hands. They rolled to a stop as his arms flew up in the air in victory.

It appeared his efforts were not in vain.

I know some people who live their life just like a roll of dice. They gamble at this and that with their purchases, their jobs, their families. They treat their relationships like a roll of the dice, shaking, peering and tossing, until they feel things are in their favor. People become nothing more than the objects, just like the dice.

Chocolate

Dangerous stuff - that and fresh baked bread, but if butter is not around to melt to the dripping point on the bread - don't bother.

I rarely eat chocolate or candy bars. When I do, one of the ones I like is a Hershey dark chocolate bar. I prepare the bar as if it were a precious treasure rather than an ordinary treat.

I unwrap the bar carefully and gently separate each section. One at a time I set a piece on my tongue and try to make the moment last until I get to the last portion and that one, I savor the most.

I don't have chocolate or candy coated friends but I do treasure my friends. I do savor the time I can spend with each one.

Friends are precious you know.

During this lovely time of the year, Autumn, I can't help but enjoy the colorful changes to the leaves on the trees that surround my home. Most of them are on the ground now. Colorful leaves that were brilliant orange, fiery red, and warm yellows are now turning shades of brown.

I give a lot of thought to the Autumn leaves but not once do I recall pondering the barren branches left behind, exposed to the coming winter. Branches looking lifeless without their fluttering leaves that danced in the wind not so long ago.

There the trees stand. Once upon a season ago, they looked strong and not so vulnerable as they do now. A representation of how life can be for some. A period of time when days drag on, when waiting seems to never end.

Then Spring time comes. The ground thaws. As if the earth finally wakens and rejoices in the new life it has been given. Birds sing, critters crawl, buds form, rich color returns after the winters sleep.

Through the seasons of life when we feel vulnerable and weak, the Lord is with us. He gave us that promise. His arms will be around you. You are never alone. You will find you can accomplish far more than you ever dreamed possible, no matter what you are going through.

Embrace the warmth and comfort as the loving arms of Jesus wrap around you.

... And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Matthew 28:20

All Is Well

That's what they think.
That's what they believe.
I see it in their eyes.
They show it in their actions...
All is well

But it's not so.
All is not well.
Except...
In their mind.
In their thoughts.
Through the view from their eyes.
~N

What will it take for you to
remember that I exist
know that I bleed
and have feelings
thoughts of my own
that should matter
that should make a difference
~N

If you already feel
like you are at your
end place
and find you can fall
no further
is it possible to sink
even deeper...

When on the other hand
you feel you have
endured the race
ascend the tallest mountain
and look to find a wee bit more to the peak
then somehow find strength within
to endure the rest of the climb...

I suppose then it is possible to sink even deeper, if those are the rules.
~N

I have to wonder why
those that are strong
place unrealistic demands on
those that are barely hanging on

Is it they want them to fail
Is it they want them to break
~N

My Car

I like my car. It's burgundy. I like the color. The seats are soft and comfy.

I like my car because it is a place I can be alone. No demands. No wants or needs to listen to or fulfill other than my own.

The drive to work is always the same yet always amazing to me. I tend to forget how splendid the view of the sky is once I take that last bend on the highway.

This morning on my drive to work, I went over the last few days in my mind. I pondered all that I am up against in the next few weeks. Ok, not ALL. I don't have my life book in front of me so all I will be dealing with are things I know of.

Funny, but as i enter the last stretch toward a more than gigantic goal I have, the more I fret.

I wonder what the Lord is thinking. Is He smiling on me or is He frowning as he watches me, as He hears my prayers and dries my tears.

Sometimes what you want or need in life is not delivered in the most perfect package. Stuff comes with it at times - not always. This circumstance is one of the stuff times.

I'm keeping my eye on the prize. It helps. It comforts me. Although I still have to deal with the stuff and in this case, I have to do it solo. Mostly because I don't want to burden anyone else.

Emotions are dragging me down the most. I'm on overdrive keeping them in check, keeping them under control.

This morning I'm glad for the peace and quiet of my car.
I'm thankful for the sky view that always excites me.
I'm blessed with good friends, amazing children, a great job and know my Adonai loves me.
Last of all, beside me is a hot cup of coffee that I have been sipping on along with munching on carrots and almonds for breakfast and NOONE is telling me I can't.

I can't help but smile.
I can feel it - it's going to be another good day.

Invasion

I was rambling about invasions yesterday. Not from aliens, although...hmm

Invasions in our personal spaces.

Then I got to thinking about acts/actions people do. Some are that - just acts. Like the fake hug or fake smile or fake 'I care about you' comment. That is when they become acts, just motions people mindlessly go through. Although, the receiver might not even know.

Acts ranging from a hello wave to more intimate movements or gestures, when not backed up with pure and true emotion from both parties, are painful and even hurtful. They can turn what should be an everlasting moment into everlasting emotional scars. Leaving in their wake, a shattered life, and mementos of traumatic events that can make lasting, in-ignorable impressions emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I know those very scars often remain as reminders of what was, making us stronger and make us who we are or will become.
I know my Jesus interacts with those who feel they are broken beyond repair.
I know God is there and he is listening.

Dear God, please make everything alright, sometimes I’m so scared.

Space

Space, the final frontier.... not I.

I have no desire to explore space nor even the space that exists from the top of a Ferris Wheel. Ok, maybe a Ferris Wheel but I'm just not going to want to be any higher. I don't like heights. I don't like fast.

The space I was referring to though is our personal space, the invisible boundary most of us have. I am not terribly tall so no fear of heights here. I am not terribly old but old enough to not power walk so no issues there either.

I try to keep aware of the body space of those I work with and am around, like to have. I have a body space range also. I think most people do. I have found that some people who don't like their personal space invaded, tend to invade other peoples spaces the most. Why I wonder

I knew it was inevitable. I knew it was coming and yet I was unprepared.

I suppose I must learn this is something I can't avoid and need to accept the occasional invasion.

Awkward

It was awkward.

He wanted to say something.
He had questions.
He lacked whatever it was he needed to approach me.

I wanted to say something.
I had questions.
I lacked whatever it was I needed to approach him.

We missed an opportunity that might not come our way again.

We both walked away with something left to say and a handful or so of questions still unanswered.

It was awkward.

Snow Globes

Don't you adore shaking snow globes and watching the snowflakes swirl then slowly drift onto whatever figurine or item are inside?

I don't collect them so don't put that on a list of my likes in case you are keeping track, but I have been enamored and fascinated by them since I was a child.

I feel like I am holding a snow globe in my hand. Only, I have my hand open rather than cupping the snow globe. The snow globe represents my hope, my faith in my tomorrow. I am hesitating the gripping process while the snowflakes are still swirling, unsure where the snowflakes may fall and uncertain what object or future will be revealed.

I must be more of a concrete thinker. I need things in black and white and to the point. I require facts where maybe and possibility live.

There have been too many times in my past where I believed in the possibilities only to watch them become impossibilities.

I want to be excited.
I want to believe.
I am holding back -
waiting
watching
listening

In the meantime, am I really living? kinda sorta

Am I wrong to not take that leap and embrace the faith that lives inside of me while I move forward in trust and belief?

Am I wrong to shelter my emotions that are still so fragile?

Weekend Ponders

What did you learn last week?

What was your greatest accomplishment over the past week?

Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?

What’s the #1 thing you need to accomplish this week?

What can you do right now to make the week less stressful?

What have you struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?

Are you carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?

Is there anyone you’ve been meaning to talk to?

How can you help someone this coming week?

What are your top 3 goals for the next 3 years?

Have any of your recent actions moved you closer to your goals?

What’s the next step for each goal?

What are you looking forward to during the upcoming week?

What are your fears?

What are you most grateful for?

If you knew you only had one week to live, who would you spend your time with?

As I ponder those thoughts before the end of this week and a new one begins, I came across this painting. I like it. Don't you? The title is Pondering. Seemed fitting to post it today.


And even more still, this, is called Pondering Lake.

There are songs for the morning
and songs for the night,
For sunrise and sunset,
the stars and the moon;
But who will give praise
to the fullness of light,
And sing us a song
of the glory of noon?
Oh, the high noon,
the clear noon,
The noon with golden crest;
When the blue sky burns,
and the great sun turns
With his face to the way of the west!