Sleep

Oh for restful sleep.

But alas, it is not something I am getting much of lately. My routine has changed. That's OK but I get up early most every morning and have been going to bed late. There are some nights where I don't sleep well.

All that adds to being kinda sorta drained on some days. Kinda sorta feeling unsettled.

My job is challenging in a mind sense way. I have to keep an alert mind and be at least one or two steps ahead of the students or I'll be finding my classroom is chaos.

Other areas of my life bring a weariness to my mind which is another contributing factor.

I know - this too shall pass. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

I'm not complaining. I don't even consider the word bad but kinda sorta not feeling like I am as healthy as I could be.

Eventually the new routine changes will find order in my world and rest will return.

The Garden

We have had a mild winter here in the Pacific Northwest. For that I am thankful. The past few winters have been harsh. It has been tough going for many folks who are still repairing their life from last winter.

I can't wait to plant flowers. I am going to start with roses. Don't know which ones, which color of exactly how many, but flowers will be coloring and joining the space I take up in this world soon.

Friends - I have friends. Actually I have had friends for some time but just didn't know it. I couldn't see them past the fog that filled my life. Now that most of it has lifted, I am finding abundant pleasures fill my heart from the blessing that friendships bring.

Friends are like flowers to me. Just as I would nurture the flowers I also nurture my friendships. Don't you?

Friends come in all forms just like flowers do. Some are very colorful, fragrant, delicate, all of them are very pleasant and each one is unique.

One friend is a wild child, at least I think of her that way. She takes me to the edge of my boundaries but won't make me cross over. One is a hugger, she makes my day feel calm and settled. One is very serious and business like. It helps me adjust my sense of order that helps me in my days. Some are shoppers and 'let's go out to eat' kind of friends. One friend in particular is a listener, I admire that in a person. Listening is hard skill to learn. I have a friend who is always there when I need them whether I need it to be quiet, or someone to laugh with me or joke with me, someone to remind me of who I am inside.

I need my friends. I need all of them. Their contibution to my life makes each day worth getting up for. My dreams are sweeter. My shoulders are lighter as they help me carry my burdens.

I hope you have friends in your world. I hope you appreciate them.

Make Believe

In the shelter of her bedroom she takes up an artist brush and dips it in one of the paint containers. She strokes the canvas adding new colors that she invented by dipping her brush in the different colors. She then adds the texture of crayons to her creation. The end result was her image of Prince Charming riding on a horse. One of his strong arms is wrapped snuggly around the waist of Sleeping Beauty as she rides side saddle in front of him as only a princess would. He came to rescue her on his captivating white horse. Quite content with her newest creation in art form, she lays down the brush and stands in the middle of her room. With eyes closed, she imagines herself in the arms of her prince to be. She twirls and giggles in delight of this fairy tale she has created in her mind.

As it is only a fairy tale. Even the wish she wishes each night for a Prince Charming upon the first star that brightens the sky, she is believing in a make believe world.

I have not met everyone in the world. I have not interviewed or investigated every couple but I feel confident to say that there is no true live Prince Charming. There is no man that remains calm and loving at all times as the fictional Prince is in the story. But then that is a fairy tale isn't it?

In the little girls fantasy, I believe Prince Charming to be modeled as a life expectation more than of a man, that is, IF Prince Charming were real. Her mind and heart longs for a life of unconditional love, warm hugs, loving voice and calmness.

We all grow up and put away our childhood dreams. We discover those ideas of what life will be was only a dream.

Smooth sailing is untrue also. Even on the sea there are rough waters.

So tell me, what is there to believe in?

I would not want this to end up a sad story. So I will end it with this first hand knowledge that I hold. I believe all people have good in them, although with some people, the good is buried deep and takes time to fully develop. I believe all people who truly love and care for those they spend time with can actually spend a lifetime on this earth without harsh words or insult tossing. It may sound irrational and a little girl fairy tale belief but I hold onto that. I will continue to believe in that until the day I die.

I believe in the concept the of a Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty life. I believe that love is a beautiful experience that should not be missed out on. I believe that love can endure the rough seas and if given time, the turbulent waters will subside and be a thing of the past. I believe true love exists and is out there for each and everyone of us and isn't only in a dream. Love causes us to breath and our hearts to sing.

My Once Companion

The ocean is a calming place for some of us. It is for me. To hear the waves and take in the scent of the salt water and the sounds of sea birds chanting about their fine fish catch!

...and so it was where my mind wandered...I press my feet into the moist sand that almost envelopes my feet entirely.

I stand there sure footed as I watch the waves and white caps and hear them fold along the shoreline.

Soon enough I can feel the tide has increased in strength and make its way more inward. As the waves rise and then subside, I sense their delicate flow over the tops of what is left uncovered of my feet. The ocean purges it's way to me. Could it be enjoying my companionship?

As time passes the high tide begins to rage. Suddenly I find my feet more buried in the sand. So much so that I can't even see them anymore and have difficulty moving them to the surface. The depth of the water is up almost to my knees. The current is pulling at my body yet still my feet are firmly planted. I continue to feel welcome here and a calmness though. I continue to stand there in awe of the beauty that surrounds me.

The ocean is relentless. The waves grow with intensity. The water rises in sequence with my sudden arrival of anxiety.

With one crashing wave, I become off balance. My feet that were firmly planted are now in my view as I fall in an action that seems in slow motion. My body makes its resting place as if the beach were my new chair.

I know if I don't move, soon the ocean waves will consume me. I have lost the peace I had. My once companion has over-taken me. I try to stand strong. I try to be victorious. And, I tried to be a good friend.

Why does life have to be such a battle when you least expect it?

A Down Day

My day was going well then suddenly, everything was turned upside down.

'You take things too seriously.'

Perhaps so, but all I know is my heart is heavy as the sun was sinking low on the horizon. Here I go again, finding myself wrestling in a storm with questions that I can't find answers to. Feeling a wee bit of fear and uncertainity as I hear my heart cry out to be met with peace and understanding.

I retreat to my room as if it were my shelter. I take my pad and pen and begin to write hoping in my words answers will become clear to me.

...night passes into dawn. As I open my eyes I breath out a heavy sigh for the nights rest and birth of this new day brought with it, no changes. At least I thought so at first...

Funny how a warm and sincere hug can make all the difference. I will have to log that in my memory book that I hold in my heart. Maybe then next time I will not spend so much time searching for a hiding place hoping to find that place where peace and love live.

Coping

How do you cope when people snap at you. Is that the word you use...snap? Not that I see teeth and invision an alligator or giant sea turtle snapping in my direction but hopefully you get the idea.

It always comes out of the blue when I least expect it. Kinda sorta like in the old days when I would be playing my favorite 45, suddenly the song is met with a skip due to playing it too often. The flow of the mood is interuppted. I can't enjoy the moment any longer. I know I needed to move on so I would take the record off the player and search for a new one in hopes of bringing back the joy.

You can't dismiss a person in that same fashion. If I lift the needle off 'the record' I doubt it would be of help.

So I shut down. I then ponder in my brain what I might of done or said that caused the snapping in my direction. I always find the fault lies with me so that is my natural course of thoughts. Frankly I don't hear much else of what they are saying because my inner record is stuck!

I then agree with Pooh Bear...Oh bother

I know I am cared for but the words that were snapped aren't received in my heart with love. Hmmm So I battle with the feelings I have inside and try not to let it show. I guard myself with positive self-talk. It doesn't seem to help.

Hours later I am still wondering what it was all about and begin praying the moment won't rise again. I dwell on it and ponder what I can do different the next time so I don't get dished out the same service.

There you have it. My thoughts for today, like it or not.

Saturday Rambling

Saturday I went for a visit with my sons. What a great day it was. The sun was out, no rain had fallen. I had made a list of things I planned to complete on that day and was successful at getting most of them checked off even before heading out. ahhh what a great start to the weekend.

Along the I stopped for McDonalds. The boys rarely eat fast food so I knew it would be a treat. Here is the bummer thing about McDonalds I thought that you should know. I ordered burgers and three bags of fries. I opened the bag to confirm what I ordered was actually in the bag. If you have ever gone through fast food drive-through, you know that sometimes you find while on the road, that one or two of the items you ordered is not there. At that point I don't turn back, I resign myself with doing without and grumble as I continue on my drive. So, I check it out. Yep, everything I ordered is there.

That is not the end of the story...

I discover a few fries had fallen out of the bags. Hmmm what to do, what to do. Since I don't know which bag of fries they fell out of and not wanting to take time to count or hold the bags up to kinda sorta measure their weight, I did what anyone would have to do in such a circumstance...I ate them! So my warning to you is, if ever ordering for others at a fast food place, come with an appetite for loose fries. I know, you feel bad for me, having to eat fries when it was not my intent but a mom has to do what she has to do :)

I cross over a bridge on the highway just before I make the turn onto Winston Creek Road. From there I can see the dock that is at the end of our property. A tree had fallen over from our last wild wind storm. Only a few bare branches were sticking out of the water. My mind drifted to kinda sorta how I have been feeling. Numb..which reminded me of the winter state of the tree. In water that is almost over my head due to my current life situation and being in unfamiliar territory. And just as the tree branches stretch up as if for air or sunlight, I too have been grasping for order, air, sense of it all and peace of mind.

The lake is way down making way for snow run off too keep the waters edge from flooding. You can get a view then of ground that you usually don't see in summer when the water is up to the edge. For the past couple of months and I suspect for the next few months more, my life and some of those close to me in my life have been also revealing parts of them that they have kept hidden. My assumption is hurt and confusion can bring out the worse in people. Words are said and actions are done that are so unlike our character.

I drove into the driveway and was filled with hope that my time with my sons would be good. Tis true, I had a great time. David always has the latest energy drink and saves the last one for me. He is so cute. Eddie fills me in on the latest of happenings in the house. I take it in stride as he tends to embellish. Of course his stories are entertaining with the added embellishments so I listen and find myself moving into his world. I adore his flair for fantasy. Brian is the take charge, take care of me kid. We have a bond that I hope never fades. He checked the oil in my car, filled up the water for the windshield washer and measured my windshield wipers as I needed to buy new ones. The boys told me they miss my casseroles. I miss cooking with them so we marched to the kitchen, searched the cupboards and fridge for ingredients and whipped up a fine dish for their dinner.

It was a good feeling, spending time with them. It filled the emptiness that had been yearning inside of me. I guess I am a mom at heart.

I headed back home with a light heart and a smile...OK a song or two also but I hesitate to mention that because my singing voice is not so great. I don't hear it when I hit the wrong note or sing the wrong words to a song. You would and that would make the moment not such a pretty image.

I made a pot pie. I checked off most of what was left on my to do list and settled in for the night under the comfort of the burgundy blanket and watched a Haley Miles movie called Castaway. Even as I headed off to bed, my heart and mind were still laced with today's memory making moments with my sons. I knew I would sleep well.

Seeing Things

I had a disagreement with a friend the other day. I was left with mind wanderings and no words. I was unsure what to say or how to feel. All that I was feeling was fear and confusion. I heard their expectations. I heard my heart tell me I could not meet their expectations and remain true to who I am. It simply was not me and if I complied, I would be entering a territory that was way beyond my boundaries.

Being new to really communicating with people and speaking my voice rather than only complying, I was lost at how to proceed.

I slept on it. I felt the same the next morning, feeling confirmed that what I believed to be so for me was correct. I asked them again if we had an argument. I think I heard a giggle although a silent one. They replied with a no. I was glad, all the same I felt badly not being able to meet their expectations but glad that I stayed strong in my beliefs.

I know there are experiences I have never imagined that will be beautiful additions to my world. I know I must discern what I will do, where I will go and what I will be a part of. I know I must try new adventures in order to grow and not be afraid as I embrace the journey. Challenges will come in my life as I move forward. I will take each step forward with the grace of God and ask for His help to keep me safe and wise.

It is official...

...the donkey is needing company. At least I think that is what is going on. I use to hear the donkey braying in the morning time along with Mr. Rooster. Now he brays all day long and into the nighttime. I did make a statement that I want to go visit them, just to take a gander at the creatures that make the morning sounds and bring joy into my day, but I haven't ventured down the road yet. I hope it isn't that our minds have connected and he is daily reminding me of my quest as that would be way too weird.

I sit in the semi dark room now, only two candles glowing and the computer screen to give me light. The stillness is a blessing. The coolness from the open window reminds me of cool morning air in summer when I so embrace it. That leads my mind to days when I would rise early to write. My body was revived by the coolness of the morning, knowing the summer heat would be on me and the house in a few hours. The rustling wind this morning comforts me as do the orange clouds that gather in the sky.

What magnificent scenery the morning brings. I am glad to be alive on this day and look forward to all that may come my way. How nice it is to start this morning with peace of mind.

Enjoy your day!

A Void

For the past three days I have been empty of thoughts to write down. I asked the Lord this morning to open my mind and heart so I can write again.

Rule #1

Be careful what you ask for.

Rule #2

He almost always delivers.

I went home to see my sons after work today. It was then and there, in their presence, amongst all the silly stories they had been saving up to tell me, the hugs and sharing with me of the latest soda pop one of my sons handed to me, is when my heart began to ache or was it breaking. I am unsure of the sounds each make but know for certain, I felt pain.

I always miss my sons, I miss all of my children. I miss being in their life more. I miss hearing their voices and watching them sleep. I miss being there to care for their needs as they do have needs, don't we all? I inspected a bug bite and assured my son it was not a 'tumor' and told him he would survive at least through this night. :) I was handed a flashlight to view another sons mouth to check out 'something growing' along his jaw line where he recently had surgery. I heard all about how much coffee one of them consumes and the concern that the other brother had not left coffee in the pot for HIM. "Yes", he said, "I know how to make coffee, but it tastes better when someone else makes it". I understood.

Might not sound like much to miss. Might not sound like moments you would miss being a party to, but I do.

They aren't babies anymore. I won't miss out on their first steps or first word, but all the same, not living with them anymore, I'm still missing out on moments I want to be a part of.

So, once again I pull out of the driveway, taking a last look at the door to see if they are calling me back or to return a wave. Tears fall. The Lord wipes them away and comforts me. I ache even though I feel the Lord holding my heart. He wraps me in His arms - all I need but yet the tears and pain linger.

I continue my drive home and into the world where I pretend I have it all together. I hope and pray His love will find it's way into the voids in my life as no one else can. In the presence of Jesus, I don't have to pretend or hold back tears or words. Although, at the moment, I am lacking words still.

It's OK, I know I don't have to speak. I'm glad I don't have to do this alone. I don't know what I need to make it OK, to endure the next few minutes of my drive home let alone the next few weeks or years to come.

I am glad He does.
I am blessed He is always there for me.

Clouds

I got up late this morning which was a major bummer. I had to make some changes in my morning routine in order to get out of the house on time and head to work. I forgot my lunch...thought about it after I got on the freeway. No way I could turn back, I knew I would just have to do without.

I noticed the sky was brighter, a nice change from the gray days we have been having where I can see the road but not much in the way of scenery. The sky was fairly clear...hurray...outdoor recess today for the kids at school. I always like it when they can go outside for recess. They get so wound up having to stay indoors and find things to do for entertainment during recess. When they go outside and have a more active recess I find more teachable moments exist.

Then I saw a sight in the sky that brought tears to my eyes. Two lone clouds. One a bit larger than the other one. There was a drift of cloud between them as if they were reaching out to each other. Not that clouds have hands but if only they did....

What I thought on was one of my sisters. She is far away, two states away in California. During the week she goes to different cities in California. I am never sure what city she will be in and somehow that makes me miss her all the more...wondering where she is and how she is doing. The clouds, well, the larger one would be her, she is my big sister after all. I am the smaller one. I am an adult now but will always be the baby in the family.

We text from time to time but not as often as I would like. Both of us have busy lives. We try our best to keep connected just hike the clouds seem to be doing.

As a child she pestered me. I think it is the big sister job to pester the baby sister. In our teen years I was still the baby sister and only got included in on games of hide and seek where I hid and she and her friends disappeared. hmmm I had to reach adulthood and beyond to get her attention and love but I have it now and embrace our fun sister secrets and giggle moments.

...back to dreaming and cloud watching.

Company

I had company last weekend. Where I lived before I was not able to have company. Seems the event was an intrusion for some reason. My guess, as it can only be a guess, is if company came, a certain person had to be on their best behavior and that made it difficult to relax and be themselves at home. bummer

She is a fine lady. She is a fun lady. Diana is like no one I have ever met before. We talk about things I would NEVER ever talk to anyone else about. We cover everything from hot flashes to the joys of a bubble bath to what makes us tick and our wishes and dreams. But the route we take getting to those subjects and the giggles that come up while we are in conversation are extremely entertaining...to me anyway.

Just so happens she is a Tastefully Simple home party lady. She was coming down from Oak Harbor to chat in person about an event coming up that needed a face to face conversation rather than a phone call or an email communication. I thought while she was here I would invite some friends over so she could hold a home party at the same time.

As I said, company is not something I am use to. Other than my sons and a couple I have met, I have not had people over, nor aliens...giggle. Just me and my ipod to keep me company.

Friendships come in all forms. I would have to say I am enjoying the blessed addition to my new world. I would also have to say that Patty, who lives in California is my best friend. We talk about very personal issues, make up stories and giggle all the way through. I know that no matter what is going on, I can count on her to listen and I believe she knows I am there for her also.

Sally is a friend I have known for many years. She is a great baker, no that is not the reason we are friends although she does make great cookies! It was sad circumstances that brought us together but since that time in her life, we have emailed each other daily. We live in the same city, or at least it was so before I moved recently, and yet even then, without her emails waiting to greet me each morning, I would be lost.

I am finally learning what relaxing is all about now that I am forming a new beginning. Making new friends and reestablishing old friends has been a gift in my life that I am very thankful for.

I do hope in your life you have friendships. There is no greater value than having someone to talk to when you feel sad, alone, have great news to share or just want to chat over a cup of hot cocoa...with marshmallows of course.

Thanks for stopping by today. I guess in our way, via my writing and your reading, we have a friendship of our own also.

Blessings...

Sometimes...

what you see is what you get, a mirror of your dreams kinda sorta.

Sometimes, what you see was only a dream, your imagination or what you perceived to be reality.

That is when disappointment and heartache become the only thing that you get.

Sad but true. I can't make up the rules on that one. Are the answers, or does the rule book lay at the end of a rainbow somewhere...I wonder if that is crazy talk to believe such a thing.

As the song goes...there is a time to live and a time to die. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry but there's a hand to hold in the worst of these. When your faith is dead and you can't even get out of bed, your heart's a stone and you are crying, 'God, what'd you do that for'...He is with you.

There's a time for yes and a time for no. There's a time to be angry and a time to let it go. There is a time to run and a time to face it. There is a love to see you through all of this. The times when the world is coming down on you and you are scared to the core, you may weep for a time but joy will come with the morning light. And when you feel alone or worried if you got it right or wrong, He is with you.

When you are looking for someone who feels like home, when nothing else is left and you take your final breath, He is with you.

In those words, I must hold onto and believe.

Poker Face

I don't gamble but I have been told by a handful of people the past few years that I have a poker face. This being said to me after various people sat across from me and asked me questions or flew out words that they wanted a response to from me. In most of those cases, they want a response that is their own expectation and very unlike who I am. I wonder why people are that way.

Somethings don't need to be restated or even said. I prefer my actions to speak for me in many cases. With some people, words are only that, words. They aren't the words they want to hear or they don't understand the way your heart intended the words to be heard to them. Some people ask questions and are most unhappy with my responses. Some people I find, aren't really listening anyway. They hear my words but don't listen to what I am saying. So I thought, what is the sense in all those words then that I could dish out? Why not let my yes be yes and my no be no. Why not let the Lord handle all the in between garbage that seems so necessary to some people in this world? Why speak words or give responses or jump up and down or cry only to appease someones desire for me...I guess, they want me to be them. That is what it seems to boil down to sometimes when folks want me to respond or share their exact same feelings. It is obvious and I don't appreciate it.

I wish they could take a closer look and see - I am not them. We are all unique. I prefer to stand strong on that. Also, there is that thing, that wall that I put up in self protection to guard my heart which is tender.That is why in many cases, OK, most cases, I prefer not to divulge too much information about myself, how I am feeling or what I might be thinking on a subject. Stuff gets dished out from mouths in my direction for apparent reasons or no apparent reason at all and I deal with it in my own way, mostly with silence. I then journal in my brain and heart to prepare myself for the next time because, my experience tells me there will be a next time.

A lot of the time that I am with my poker face, it is because I listen when people talk. How can you listen when you are jabbering? I know I can't. I watch their eyes and body language so I get the whole just of what they are trying to say to me. I have found myself entertained, disturbed, enlightened and even at times appalled by what they say or ask. All the while my mind is whirling with scenarios of why they are asking me the questions they ask and wondering why such things are so important to them. All the while my heart is talking to them with unspoken words but they don't often listen up. I sit watching in wonder as they dig and dig in such creative ways. People are funny, aren't they?

So think what you will. Assume what you will. I will allow you that and hope someday you will allow me my individuality and someday, just maybe, you will see I am who I say I am, I am who I appear to be. There is nothing hidden from view if only you would take the time to see with your inner eyes and hear with your heart.

Dreams

Sometimes

dreams enter my mind.

Then I think,

maybe

just maybe

I am wasting my time.

The War

I tried not to cry as the tears filled my eyes. I knew my friend was nearby, in spirit, raising me up above the battle that was raging as he spouted off harsh words I knew he didn't really mean and would be sorry for shortly after our conversation ended. The thought of the support I had and the person I have become, gave me strength as I searched my heart for words to express how I feel. All the while, truly hoping my words would come out right and would give clarity to my feelings, all the while, truly hoping the hurt that my words were causing him would come with a buffer from the love that they were spoken in.

I wonder if he heard me. I hoped a wall did not fly up keeping the truth from entering his space.

If words could only make wishes come true, we would both have left our meeting with high hopes and bright spirits for a better future for each of us, but sometimes wishes don't come true.

I know deep inside he feels he really tried. I know deep inside my hear that I really tried to make our life be a happy ever after. Our best was not successful. Now, two hearts were breaking. I hope he doesn't try to forget my name.

My dreams, the ones that fill my mind and keep my heart beating, and this new life that I have discovered, filled with possibilities - they are what keep me going.

So, excuse me now while I slowly turn another page and attempt to make this life of mine, that the sun has ripened, into something. I feel a need restore my faith in hoping, drink of the music and hopefully...find peace and true unconditional love.

...and so she asked

..."are those diamonds?"

"No, they are just stones."

Then she takes a gander at my necklace and asks once more, "Are they diamonds?"

"Yes, they are diamonds."
"Oh, how lovely they are", she said.



I wonder if she would find value in who I was by what I wore on my ears and around my neck. I wondered why they were so important to her. I wondered why I did not feel important to her as a person at our chance meeting, as what I had on.



Nancy Lee Lee is what mom called me when I was in trouble. I doubt she forgot my name and doubt she found me such a lovely child that giving me a nickname so cute was her goal. Now, at her age, with her lack of mind, she might not even remember the Nancy part of my name much less the Lee Lee. But she does seem to care when I am there visiting her. She does not care what I am wearing or the color or condition of my purse. Somehow that is important to me.



I went to lunch today with a friend. When we met outside the restaurant we hugged. I am not a hugger, most folks who know me are aware of that flaw in my character. I didn't mind the hug, in fact I embraced her back. She is a dear friend and I really enjoy her company. We chatted for hours about our life, our job, things we liked and things we didn't like. She showed me her new purse. It was covered with bling. I liked it. She likes me for me no matter if my earrings are diamond, no matter if my aging purse is worn or not.



When I am with people I always hope they are looking in my heart rather than on the outside. I feel the best of me is what is inside. Do you feel the same way too? Somedays when I look in the mirror I wish I were someone else other than simple me. When I begin some of my days I feel I am fighting with the mirror to make it happy as if something were missing.



Ahhh to be worthy of love.

...and so he said

I love you, to which I had no reply. All I could think on was why does this have to be and this very instance when I am shaken by the power he has over me, is but one of the reasons that I am left empty of emotion for him.

He continued on, "You don't love me do you?"

I told him I don't know what I am. I am not sure what kind of answer that was or what exactly it meant but mostly I was confused. My mind was filled with a fog and my heart was heavy.

Confused because I find his anger easier to deal with. When he is in a happy mood I am caught off guard. It is not the norm. When he is in a good frame of mind I find myself watching and waiting like a deer quenching its thirst from a small patch of rain water, all the while, watching for a predator to attack and being ready to run when the moment rises as I know, the moment will come. Or maybe it saddens me because I do miss those times of happiness that were once upon a time, far away now and so long ago and very much a part of the past.

I wonder when it was that they slipped into the abyss.

Splenderific

I know, I know, splenderific is not a word but I heard it spoken by the stranger that came to visit me the other night. The stranger was describing a plant that is quite splendid indeed but splenderific?

giggle

The stranger did as always, began a long long long story to which I confess, I fell asleep during at one point or maybe two due to that comfy burgundy blanket - I have to place the blame somewhere. The story began with a one sided chat on Chinese food. The stranger went on many bunny trails that had NOTHING to do with Chinese food. Am I out of my mind that I enjoyed the bunny trails as I waited and wondered how the story or I should say stories, would make their way back to Chinese food?

Believe it or not they did. The night ended with examination and contemplation of fortune cookies and what the meaning of the short make no sense statements were that we found written on papers inside the cookies.

I went to sleep with a contented smile on my face.

Scales

I have made a lot of new bestest friends lately, the burgandy blanket, the donkey and rooster, the train, a broken down shed and the stranger...


however...



I have a new bathroom scale. It is kinda sorta my new bestest friend because it keeps showing me lower numbers. Lower numbers on a bathroom scale can only be good news in my world! However, on the down side of that, the scale works FAST. I don't like that. I NEED time to take in a deep breath for fear of what the numbers might read and suck in my tummy...that somehow in my mind makes me weigh less...BEFORE the numbers start making their way to my current weight.


What is with that!?


I don't want to put conditions on our relationship so I will find a way to cope with the speed. Maybe I could suck my tummy in before stepping on the scale. Maybe I could focus on my cute toes with the pink polish and pretend the numbers aren't there yet...

They Are Here!

My sister in law Patty, finally sent me some pictures of her Chrismtas Village which has now been dubbed Winter Villiage, giving her an open door by her husband to leave it up until spring! What a nice guy he is.

What an amazing sight! Doesn't it make you feel like you are right there in the midst of another winter wonderland world? I do. Isn't she a talented lady? I think she should teach classes, don't you agree?

Thanks Patty for sending these to me. The village is supurb. I can't wait to see next years additions. I hope you got started already, Christmas is ONLY 11 months away!

Very Interesting

Remember the German Soldier from Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In? The moment would come in the show would he would say, "Very interesting".



That's how I felt as I watched a certain someone make their way around my home selecting items to pick up and inspect. Items I did not even notice myself were in the room. I did not don that helmet nor did I hold a cigarette but all the same, I heard my mind speak those very words with the same feeling of humor as they were intended by Artie Johnson.



Very interesting



That person was following a pattern he has been observing for years that I had hoped they would not have latched onto. A pattern of control and needing to know EVERYTHING.



Hmmm -- I wonder if that person had an inspectors badge.



The End

Discovery

I dicovered something new yesterday. Are you surprised? I know I was.

I stood and watched someone singing. They came alive as if their body had been sleeping. It was then I knew...


They have a passion inside and that passion is for singing.

I have a passion inside of me that is for writing. When I don't or can't write, a part of me feels empty. I feel as though my thirst can't be quenished in any other form. When I write, that part of me that was in a dormant state begins to thrive. I am more complete. It is a need I have, not just a want or desire.

I like learning new things. I like discovering more about myself by observing and listening to others. I suppose that is how we grow.

Weary Mind

Wow, sounds like a great title for a book or movie doesn't it?

If only it were so, just a make believe moment in my life. And when I reach up to turn the page, all will be well again.

My mind, it is weary. So much to do in my days and with little sleep added to that fact, I found my mind in a weary mode as I took the short walk from my building, which seemed very long to my car after work yesterday. I feel vulnerable. Tears keep wanting to make their way to the surface but I won't allow that...not now anyway.

It seemed the harder I tried to keep secure all the papers I held in my arms along with cradling my coffee cup and then attempting to locate my keys in my over crowded purse was a lost effort. I know I should have been more prepared. The rain soaking my hair was making no sense to me in all the time spent that morning in front of the mirror in the company of my hair dryer. The papers that were on top of my stack were from the meeting I just attended, holding information that was of importance but now the page is more like a mass of ink runs thanks to the Washington rain.

I know I should have been more prepared and would have been wise to have located my keys before I left the building but with my mind on overdrive I was not thinking that far into what I was doing. I merely left the meeting and aimlessly walked down the hall heading outside as if my body were on auto pilot and going through all the motions without any extra effort from me.

I had a stop or two to make before heading home. My first stop put me in a more weary state because a part of me was missing not being able to...well, I will just say it...be more a part of my sons lives. I miss them. I miss opening their bedroom doors in the morning and singing, 'wakey wakey eggs and bacey', knowing that bugs them enough to get them out of bed before I start another chorus. I miss hearing my one sons long talks about the most recent game he is playing, talks that take us deep into the night to where I am so tired that as his words flow out in my direction they float past me like smoke in the room because I am not alert enough to hold onto them. But all the same, I adore hearing his voice and miss it.

I never really liked hearing my other son complain about the order of our world and how he knows for certain who are all to blame and feels if he were in charge the world would be a better place under his control. All the same, I grew fond of his thought process and miss those conversations.

My other son always seem to know what I was thinking and I know he felt the same way about me. We encouraged each other in silent games we played when days were tough for us, when the house was filled with so much anger and pain that even the walls seemed to be seeping out tears of sorrow. It was not a nice place to be but all the same, I miss our times together.

At my first stop I got out of the car and was met by Dexter. A dog that should not be classified as a dog. He is too large to fit in that category. He wanted me to pet him and requested a dog bone. I obliged him. I wondered if he missed my company on the back porch as we waited for chipmunks and blue jays to feed on the nuts that were placed in the feeder.

Post office was my next stop. I found an ad waiting for me in my mailbox. I guess an ad is better than no mail at all. I really did not have a mind set to read a letter anyway, nor the time.

I was sure when I got home I could take a deep breath and escape for a bit to refresh my weary mind but was met with a phone call that had to be dealt with. There are responsibilities in life you have to endure, after all, my philosophy is, work first then play but the play time is taking too long to arrive these days.

So I keep my wheels spinning as I feel my body sinking down even further. Predictable I suppose. I could do better with managing my time and my mind thoughts but somehow I feel afraid of falling, or more to the point, afraid reality is losing it's grip on me.

Where are the strong arms to hold me when I need them?

Lonely

Lonely

Empty Rooms
~

Lonely

Only Me
~

Lonely

Passing Time
~

Lonely

There's So Much Of Life To Share

What's The Sense

When No One Else Is There

Make Believe

Today I needed an escape. I was home alone so the options were endless to getting lost in my own world. I pretended to be a princess which happens to be my favorite role to imagine. My prince held me in his arms as tenderly as if holding a flower. We danced the day away in our castle.

I feel you even

When we are apart

Just knowing you are

In this world

Can warm my heart

Alone

I finished up my night rituals, walked to the bedroom and took a last glance at the bed before turning out the light so I didn't stumble on it in route. The bedroom is new for me. Placement of furniture in my new surroundings confuse me at times when my brain remembers where things were in the last place I lived in. I guess my mind hasn't caught up with my body yet. Finding my way down the long hall at night when it is dark sometimes becomes an adventure that is not so entertaining to me.


I ran my hand along the edge of the bed for guidance. As I neared the corner of the bed, I felt a sudden rush of an alone feeling. I reached up to open the curtains. It was a silent invitation for the world outside to keep me company. It was just what I needed. I quickly crawled under the covers. Even before my head could snuggle into the pillow, I locked my eyes on the sky. A star or two twinkled. I imagined they were winking at me in recognition of their invite into my night. A kinda sorta thank you. A kinda sorta, "It's OK, you are not alone," response. I raised my arm and lent support to my head with my hand. I was tired. I was ready for sleep but the alone was keeping me awake.


Few cars passed on the road outside but when they did, their headlights added extra light to my view giving outline to the landscape. It is a lovely world.



Sounds were few. The train rumbling along the track is all I heard. I wondered if the night sky was feeling alone too.


Funny I thought, the night did not seem as dark as I thought. When I am outside at night, it is difficult to see, not enough street lights in this part of the city. From the darkness of the room, the world out there was lighter than I would have imagined. Maybe Mr. Moon was glowing somewhere out of my view.



Life is like that for me too. What I think is reality or truth becomes something all together different under certain circumstances. You too? I thought so.


Alone - an odd word. Sometimes it means comfort. Most of us need alone time. When we find those moments, we embrace them. I know I do. Then there are the times when being alone, when there is only me, the feeling is not so grand.



I found myself in between the two alones, needing to be alone and yet at that moment, not wanting to be alone. I kept my body still other than closing my eyes to draw my focus to the sounds of the night. Maybe there was something I was missing that could be just what I needed to help me through the moment. In my mind, I envisioned a cat with a fiddle and a cow jumping over the moon, giving way to the nursery rhyme. I'm not sure exactly what it was or where the sound came from but I thought I heard a lullaby. Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe the Father of my heart felt my alone and sent His angels to sing to me. The sounds was heavenly to my ears so perhaps that was true. It didn't seem to matter what I was thinking as no one was there to tell me differently or that I was strange or giving in to crazy talk. I drifted into a new world of emotion that helped in drowning out the alone.


A feeling of freedom or being saved swept through me, warming and comforting me. I was of importance and no matter what I am feeling or where I may be, I never have to give in to the alone.

Tasks

Part three.

I feel great today. I have kept that promise to myself of keeping what I want to be an ordinary day in mind and close to my heart. I went through tasks today with more ease. The pressure I had placed upon myself has lessened. I don't expect to learn overnight nor would that be even possible...would it? I found that as I was working about completing my list of things I needed and wanted to accomplish, I did not keep seeing the clock staring back at me from the wall, reminding me of the time left in my day and did not move forward in my mind to see the list things still left undone. I did what I was able and left the rest for when time allowed.

I put on a cd to listen to that was awesome and somehow the words to the songs were refreshing my soul.

ahhhh life is good

Purple Sky

A purple sky closes up the day. Christmas is but just a memory now. Last year is gone. No way to have a redo even if I wanted to.

The sky grows darker as day turns to night. I cross my arms on the back of the couch and lean in to a catch a view upward. I watch for a shooting star, certain that tonight there will be one. From under my fingers I can feel the pulse within my wrist.

I wonder, if no shooting stars enter my gaze, will I at least have the spendor of a snowfall tonight? If I wish on a star for the grace to accept who I am, will it become more of a sure thing if it were a shooting star? Is there a rule book on that?

If only I felt I measured up to everyone's expectations.

If only my life made more sense to me.

If only I feel I could totally forgive myself for my short comings and countless mistakes.

Angry

I was angry. I was in the mode to lash out and pondered ideas of just how I would accomplish my task.

There were words I wanted to speak, words that forged their way from my head to my heart but I did not dare speak them. I would not lower myself to their standards.

There were tears that flowed but they did not compare to the ocean of tears I was holding back.

All that anger because of the hurt that I was feeling inside.

Why do people intentionally hurt others? Mistakes happen, words are spoken that were not intended to go any further than a thought but somehow they leaked out into the atmosphere and reached the victims ears. Things take place before the hands of the one who took the action even knew what was happening. Both can leave the victim feeling like a dagger was just thrust into their heart, piercing their very being.

Mistakes I understand and can relate to. However, when someone makes a deliberate attempt to hurt another, that I don't understand.

It was a natural course of events and I understood that such a thing would happen but it came out of the blue. It came without warning. It was more hurtful than the physical hurts I have endured over the years from that same person.

So why did I let this bother me so? I was in a state of unbelief.

Today, the anger which was secondary from the hurt, is gone but the memory remains. It will linger I know. From time to time reminders will cause the event to surface and most likely tears will flow once again. However, I hope with each passing day, I will find ways to move on, to grow from what happened and not allow the scar that remains to hinder my life.

Home

I went home today. I discovered what I kinda sorta already knew - not all homes are always home sweet home. Sometimes, once you leave and taste the freedom you find you can never go back there. Being home again, I was suddenly woken by a familiar sound. I found myself in the midst of a journey where I was dazed and without a clue. There was a battle stirring, I knew I needed to retreat before it was complete and I was lost forever. I have no strength left to fight any longer.

When I am away, when I am alone, I see my life like water to a seed. Everything seems right. I can sit back without condemnation, make my fingers through my hair, sigh, close my eyes and find myself in a place where I slowing drift into a deep dream with brilliant colors I have never seen before of where I want to be. I have prayed that prayer a thousand times. The place I find myself in as I dream is where I can reach out and touch the face of the One who made me. I wonder if I ever want to wake up. Where I was feeling weakness, I have become stronger. I have been practicing life through all that it was and as I strived for over the course of 30 plus years. Somehow my endeavors were never good enough. I felt so useless. You'd think I'd have it down by now....so what am I still doing here....

...and so he said to me in a bereaved voice and with a despairing look in his eyes, "I've had a few tastes of freedom recently and find it hard to live where I am - to go back home."


hmmmm


Not another word was spoken between us on our drive for some time. Both of us knew that I understood.


Maybe it was my T-shirt that gave it away...


Happy New Year

May the new year be filled with many blessings for you and your family.