Day: Early Thursday Evening

Place: a parking lot in between two yummy restaurants waiting for my 'dinner dates' to arrive, while sitting in my car.

The aroma is fantastic. I smell steak. I love steak and miss having it. I also love chocolate and miss that sensation and tasteful joy too.

How am I feeling? Not sure, but how nice of you to ask. I do hope it was you and not a voice in my head that I heard.

Five busy black crows squawked as they make their way through the parking lot area, pecking at spots on the asphalt they must be hoping are what they were seeking - tasty evening meal morsels. I enjoyed their company. As I watched them, I reflected on my new life and how I find myself kinda sorta pecking here and there as I seek out where I belong and discover who I am and want to be.

All the windows in my car were down. A cool evening breeze blew through. I could see in the rear view mirror that my hair that I had combed, once upon a time, was now being tossed every which way. Seemed a waste of time to dig through my overloaded purse in search for my comb so I reached my hand up and smoothed out my hair, running my fingers through it and then pulling it together as if I were going to make a pony tail, and tucked it kinda sorta under my collar.

The guests I was waiting for were my son who recently graduated high school and wanted to celebrate with a steak dinner, along with his father.

This past week, I had spent a couple of days gathering and filling out the final set of divorce papers so I could ask for a signature from his father at the appropriate time that night. It didn't happen.

During dinner, my husband talked about his work, the ups and mostly downs of it. He then mentioned that he had announced he was going out to dinner that night to the staff. A question then came up from them, "a date?" To which he reported, "Dinner with my wife and son."

....and so he continues. "They asked if that meant we were getting back together. I told them I didn't know, maybe."

I have had a lot of shockers in my life recently, giving me practice at not only faking being happy but also the expressions on my face. I knew my son was looking at his father and then at me after that statement was made. I am certain my sons are clear on where all of this paperwork and my move out of the house is taking me, as a wife, along my new journey. For some reason, I have not found the perfect words or actions that have helped my husband be more clear.

I looked down at the salad that was in front of me and poked around at an onion ring with my fork. It was the only response I could come up with. I felt if I were to look up at that very moment, my attempt to fake a smile instead of the deer in the headlights expression on my ,could not be switched over quick enough to express a calm demeanor.

Fortunately, he is a talker, so he picked right up on sharing more about the goings on at his work, allowing me time to recover and at some point, join in on the conversation.

Dinner was finally over. I admit I was not as fearful as I have been in the past to be in his presence. I even felt a bit bold at one point and spoke out about how I was feeling about something he was doing. He only laughed and said that is just how he does things. I felt troubled that he continued with his pattern but content that I was gaining on my ability to speak up.

Now we move on to a phone call I got that night from my husband. Before that I must mention a fact in order for you to be more clear of how I felt when I heard the phone message....

I am still working through the process of understanding how to establish the relationship between he and I since filing for divorce. How do people do it? Most of the women I have talked to, divorced under angry circumstances, so there was no issue of a relationship with their former spouse. I am too meek and mild. I know - I get told that all the time. At the same time, I am learning, now that I am on my own, to be more assertive. I knew my son had the dinner coming to him. I knew the place he selected was one I had taken him to recently. I also have a job that has me working nights so I drove up to the restaurant a few days earlier and purchased a gift card for the two of them to celebrate there together, giving them father/son time.

It back fired. I was told by my son that his father said he won't go to dinner unless I go too.

It is a fragile time for all of us in this family right now so I agreed to go, saving my sons well being.

Now the phone call....I see I have a voice mail on my cell phone. I play it back.

"Just wanted to call and thank you for inviting me to join you for dinner."

Hmmmm

I was in a peaceful mood and so not as bothered as I would have been a day or two before. I have moved on to a realization that no matter what I say or what action I take, he hears me but doesn't listen. I will have to keep moving forward, find an appropriate time to have him sign the final papers and maybe, just maybe, when the final decree arrives in his mail box, he will come to the conclusion that the marriage part of our relationship is gone.

I think the medication I have been taken has helped me to become familiar with how it feels to be more in control and calmer. (Ahhh peace, I have missed you.) Thus, enabling me to function in this world that I so oftentimes have wished a fairy godmother would zap me away from, which is crazy talk.

The days are cooler. I am rising earlier which is of help to me. When I get too much sleep I am not as alert. Next week I go back to my full time job and already have the schedule for my part time job. I can see on the calendar that I will be working from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. most days and on the weekends. I have dreaded that thought but have worked it through enough in my head to accept it and cease the worrying about handling the work load.

I have decided to quit worrying about when moments will come where I can stop and spend time playing cards with my sons, as I believe, opportunities will present themselves.

This coming Monday is the last day of summer break from my school job. A few of us gals are going to go get a pedi. It will be relaxing and a nice chance to catch up on the goings on we lived through over the summer. Afterwards, the group are heading out to dinner but I have to go to work at my part time job. I figure it will be good practice for the following days and weeks to come. Most of all, I am thankful I have made it this far, for friends and for children who support me.

Perhaps counting blessings is a good thing to do...often.

My Visit

These are my two granddaughters, Willow and Emily.

Here you find three generations, moi', my daughter and her daughters.

At least I had opportunity to be with four of my five children on my recent road trip south!

Aftermath of Meltdown

I merely existed

Then I rambled along the highways and byways of life

I discovered as I listened and participated here and there

Far more knowledge than I ever thought possible, at easy access

All the while safety and security held me

One day, the Earth shook beneath my feet

The skies darkened, the weather was turning

No where to turn to

I became frightened and unsure of my steps, my place, my words

I am tired of having to continually change

The feeling that I have to mold and shape who I am when I haven't even figured that part of life out yet

I have been told to be brave, be more bold

All seemingly good advice but brave and bold come with tack in my book and the one giving me that advice does not use tack, finding my version not to their liking

The one telling me to not worry, be happy and smile more, worries, gets unhappy in moments and does not smile all the time

So what I am left with is expectations to be who they are

I woke up angry

Which is rare, there are less than a handful of times in my life when I have been filled with that emotion

Maybe it's a good thing, for I find myself filled with strength and determination to be who I want to be, who I am deep down inside

I will not turn from my friends but have decided that I must do more discovery of this new world, this new life, through my own experiences

Safety and security - I am going to find that source from within

I think I will be more sure of the continued source that way for I know, if nothing else at all, that I can always count on me caring about my well being

...and so one of my friends asked me what they could do for me

I had an answer but opted for the generic, "Nope, nothing, I am fine." When really I wanted to say, "Understand and accept me."

Tools

We all have or seek tools, to enable ourselves for survival to perform at work or in life, at a more productive level. Do you agree?

I have tools of my own that over the years I have placed in my tool belt. If it were a real live tool belt, it would be lavender and for certain, have a compartment for Hershey Chocolate Bliss candies. The tool belt would have bling so I would look more like a princess. :)

However, the recent tools I have been given seem to lack their intended purpose which causes me concern. Concern that I don't talk about to myself, Rupert Holmes or even my bestest friend. Mostly because when the concern I have comes to mind, my stomach gets tied up in knots and I feel as though I am approaching a dangerous edge.

I see myself - my life and mind - sifting through an hour glass as grains of sand. At times, they move slowly at a steady pace. There is peace in my mind and all is well. Other times I find the grains flowing through at a speed I am not able to keep up with. My world fills with chaos, my stomach tightens and my brain goes into overload. I can't think clearly at that point.

Recently, I was given tools to slow down the process of sand through the hour glass, bringing back peace to my world. At first, they seem to work. Hours later, I find myself reaching into my tool belt for another tool that might be more effective as the tool I was using wore out. I get nuthin'.

I searched my tool belt for another option but there are none to be found. Kinda sorta like my source of tools ran out. So I searched other places for tools. I try one or two but they don't meet my need. I find myself moving into desperate mode and feel alone and afraid.....

The End Of A Very Long Day

...and so it was, at the end of a very long and semi stressful day, I made my way along the highway toward home. It was dark, as night had fallen. Few cars were on the road. Most folks were where they wanted or needed to be. I wanted to be somewhere and yet unsure of where as I have not figured out where I fit in at quite yet.

I had almost an hour of drive yet to complete before making it to the place I call home. I put on my cruise control and reached for my cell phone that was resting between my legs. I felt a need to send one of my sons a text message...and so I did.

"I wanted you to know that I appreciate the way you take such good care of me."

I sat the phone back down on the empty passenger seat. It was quiet out that night. I felt like being quiet also and was too weary to turn on some tunes to revive me.

I stared at the road ahead of me, focusing on the white line that steered my course. No stars in the sky to be seen or keep me company.

A flash of light caught my eye. It was from my cell phone. A text had been sent. It was from my son -

"That's what I'm suppose to do. Nightie night."

I was no longer alone, he felt more near to me somehow. Love now kept my heart company. A flood of tears cleansed me. I felt a bit of strength return that I have been robbed of in recent days. At least enough strength to softly say aloud -

"...this too shall pass"

A Mother's Song

Tying little shoe laces

Wiping off dirty faces

Are just a couple of things

That a mother will do...

Mending a broken heart

Is only just a part

Of the care and the love

That I've given you...

With a Kool-aid smile

And a sparkle in your eyes

I wrap you in my arms

And whisper this advice...

Be strong, be kind

Be patient and in time

You'll find out, my son

What true love is all about

Be faithful and be true

Show love in all you do

Then you'll know, just how

You make your mother proud

Now, little boy days have passed

And you've grown up so fast

But in my heart

That little boy will never be far...

You've made your mother so proud...

Adjusting

I thought I had a life, then one day I discovered that I was not living at all. After all, life is the act of living.

Living or having a life, is unique to each of us. I know some who lives on the edge everyday and they find it splendid. Some spend their days going through the same routine marked down to the minute.

Me, I am in the process of discovering what life is all about. I have required help during the process. I feel as though I have entered a world that I never knew existed. I suppose being sheltered for most of my life, I had no idea how some people live. Some of what I have seen and experienced I like, some I don't like at all.

So far, the adjustments to my new life...

continual chats with friends - it's all good!

ice cream - my new favorite treat

uncertainty - not so fond of this portion of life that seems to come with the new territory I have entered.

egg shells - still tip toeing around

medications - the latest one that my doctor prescribed carrys my mind to a soothing place, a slow motion state of being that surely is not reality. Once I reach that state of kinda sorta escape, I am filled with an urgency to escape. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I wonder if how I feel is anything at all how Alice in Wonderland felt when she took the pill that made her small because I do kinda sorta feel very, very small.

wiggles - my body must really want to dance or enjoys movements because it does it without my permission or awareness until someone brings it to my attention which then seems to create more movement...oh bother!

giggles - for no apparent reason at all, they just burst forth

a secret journal - if I didn't log my thoughts somewhere, I feel certain I will break apart.

a bottle - a place to keep my emotions...I know it isn't healthy to keep emotions bottled up but I also don't feel comfortable sharing how I feel at times. It seems to me that sharing too much will only make it more difficult for me to survive.

All in all, I am undecided about this new life of mine. Sometimes I eat popcorn. I like eating it, then when I am done I don't like having to spend days, it seems, removing popcorn husks from between my teeth. Not that I refer to my life as a kernel of popcorn but hopefully you get my drift.

I would like to wake up and not begin to worry about how I feel. I want to just 'be'.

I would like to sleep a full night without being waken from the rocking that my body resorts to doing, perhaps when I am on overload it carrys with me through the night.

I would like to exist through a week or even a day without the aid of medication.

I want to feel what it is like to be normal. Although, with all of the people I have met lately, I am unsure what normal is. Maybe normal is what we make it to be. It must be normal for all of us to be kinda sorta different. But then I think back when mom would say to us kids, "Act normal", when we were out in public. I kinda sorta understood what she expected but never grasped what the normal part was. Obliviously, the normal she wanted from us was anything other that what we were doing at the time. To be open here, I don't list my mom on the side of normal, so her expectations back then, might have been more on the side of crazy talk.

I worked as quickly as I could this morning making cookies for my sons, getting myself ready for work and my day which was a bit difficult as the medication makes me slow down so I have to give each thing I do more thought. I find myself stopping to remember where I keep my mascara and wonder if I put it on already or not.

I loaded up my car, doubled checked that I had everything and before shutting the door to the apartment, I made sure I had my car key. I set out for the bank. Normally I have some tunes playing but this morning I needed full focus so I opted for silence other than the sound of the car engine and the hum from my a/c.

I did my thing at the bank and headed to my second destination. An office I needed to go to, an appointment I wanted to go to but in reality, I would prefer to not have gone at all and just erase the whole reason why I was pulling up there and parking out front. I set the emergency break. I didn't need to but it helped me mentally to prepare for my purpose in being there.

I walked up to the door. I could see through the glass door several women looking up at me while I attempted to open the very heavy door. I wondered if I were suddenly weak. Maybe it was a sign that I am making a mistake in being there. Maybe it was a life lesson moment for me to show just how determined I was to go through with this.

As soon as I entered the building the ladies all went back to what they were doing. Seems I was the only client at the time. I guess it was meant to be after all. I filled out the paper work, answered a few dozen questions and was excused to leave.

I stood up, headed to the door, which seemed very easy to open from the inside, and while I made my way to my car, my stomach was suddenly tied up in knots and a tear or two trickled down my cheek. Some 'have tos' in life are rather difficult to endure.

I continued my ride in silence to Mossyrock. A few minutes before reaching the home where my sons live, I began to gain excitement at seeing their faces and handing them the cheesecake and cookies I had baked for them. I looked forward to our visit.

The door was locked. I fumbled in my purse for the house key after making a few unanswered knocks on the door. Once inside, I discovered that the boys were still sleeping. One by one, they made an entrance with smiles and welcome hugs, I barely made it to the living room to find my place to sit while they dug through the cookie container and dished up cheesecake. Hmmm if I were still living there I would not have approved of dessert for breakfast but today it seemed appropriate.

I saw the latest owies, I heard about a new chair my son got from a yard sale and was refinishing. I was given information about a new truck one of my sons is getting next week and told how often the raccoon comes from the woods to snack on the bird seed they put out everyday.

Then the arguing started. One of my sons turns to me and said, "Isn't this nice, you come all this way and they are fighting?", referring to his two brothers. Then he joined in on the arguing. Hmmm alrightie then.

The arguing stopped. It always does at some point. We talked about my next visit and what they would like me to bake for them and made plans for our next 'date'.

They walked me to my car and waved as I backed down the driveway. Twenty minutes later, half way home, I checked out the text messages I had heard come through, responded to a phone call then set my phone down. I didn't have the energy to respond to the text messages just yet. I reached to the back seat and grabbed at a bottle of water. I took a few sips of very warm water in order to swallow more medication, just enough to get me hopefully through the rest of this day.

I made a stop at Safeway, a couple of miles from my home, to stock up on fruit. As I walked into the store I felt as though everyone knew what I knew. As if I were wearing a badge that read "Uncertain of life and in training."

By the time I made it home, I found I had a couple of hours to kill before heading to work. The apartment was quiet and cool due to the fan I had left running. I was alone but I didn't feel alone, I felt at home which was really a rather nice way to feel.

I no longer dream, it seems to be a waste of time. I no longer wish on stars at night, although I do say hello, enjoy their company and look for familiar stars. I try not to think too much, mostly I work on focusing and taking care of whatever task is at hand....and wondering if I will ever adjust to my new life.

Reality Show

My own reality show finally!

I had a fast beginning to my day with many tasks to complete before heading out to see my sons. My heart was pounding as I raced about. Not in a bad way, I was very excited to finally have opportunity to spend the morning with my sons and catch up on the latest...and just be with them. They are so precious to me.

In my car, I headed to the drug store to get my new medication in hopes that my anxiety level will drop to a livable motion.

The first thing I noticed was that I had forgotten my cell phone. I could see it perfectly on the coffee table but not within grasp of course. I couldn't call my sons to let them know I was running a little behind schedule.

The second thing I noticed was a token of love clipped to my heater vent in my car. It is an inside joke between my sister and that came about during my trip to visit her this past summer. I keep it there to remind me of her place in my heart. Sister love...nothing like it!

Finally, medication purchased and taken, a return trip home to get my cell phone and a call into the boys to let them know I was on my way with only having to pick up a donut for each one as payment for being late, did not seem like much of a price to pay. :)

The medication helped me in a huge way. I did not wiggle once...my body wiggles like a cat getting ready to pounce on a toy, I wring my hands or lift them in the air, perhaps grasping for Jesus to take hold of them, and my legs tap when I am on overload and feeling anxious.

When I reread that, I began to envision that I could be a self made band and entertainer with all that wiggling and tapping.

I brought pizza to bake and cookie dough that I had made that morning for us to consume as we chatted. I like being with my sons. I feel safe, protected, and accepted. I know they feel the same way. When we are together, we speak what is on our mind no matter what it might be and sometimes it is crazy talk but that's OK too.I showed them my latest toe nail fashion. They always get a kick out of it as that was not something I would have done in the past - doing something for me.

The time came for me to head back home and get ready for work but not before making a promise to come back next week to take them to a new burger joint in town. They smiled. Their smiles and company warmed me.

With entering a new environment, working along side people that are more worldly than I, combined with actually living in a world that is not controlled by tall fences and few controlling people, I am able to stretch my kinda sorta wings a bit.

I am finding that I look more closely at those I am with each day, at what they do, say and how they spend their free time. I don't want to just be a follower while I am in a self discovery mode. I am more discerning so I don't fall into a trap or group that doesn't fit into who I want to be and who I am deep down inside.

Ahh, at last, perhaps around the corner is my own reality show. Not one made up for me but one that I have shaped and molded to suit me with my own thoughts, feelings and two hands.

Things are changing. Life is getting better, at least the quality although, I will admit to you that I use to consider myself an optimist on the realistic side. Due to feeling as though I take two steps forward then find myself back tracking, I am more of a pessimist. ugh. I am going to move towards optimism though. I promised myself. Maybe, no, I chose to believe that the day will come soon, when I will do more hanging out that hanging on.

Overload

I thought perhaps I had fallen off the wall and broken into pieces kinda sorta Humpty Dumpty style. Actually I feel more like I am skimming the surface like a stone skipping across a bed of water that is still on the surface, spread out like a sheet, but underneath, the current rages.



I feel like that rock. I am not sure who or what tossed me from the waters edge, all I see is crowd of people and stacks of responsibilities that all relate to me. Maybe I tossed myself. I am certain it was not to find an escape or I would never have chosen this route.



Maybe it is better to be like a skipping stone than to be holding on to a rope that is about to break. Maybe I have more chance of surviving this way.



I don't feel anything. Kinda sorta numb fashion. I feel on overload. I had reached a point where I felt the worse was over. Blue skies were on the horizon, within reach. Then a bomb shell, at least it felt that way to me. Seems each time I get to a point where I feel all will be well and the worse is behind me, I wake to find there is more to overcome. It leaves me feeling as though I can't trust that all ever will be well and that I will have to spend the rest of my life in survivor mode rather than actually living.



I think that my brain and heart have decided to separate me from the world I live in. Do you suppose they often have conferences over my well being? If so, I wonder if coffee and donuts are served which would explain why from time to time, I crave a glazed, over-filled jelly donut.



Perhaps I was shielded too much as a child, not having opportunity to experience real life. At this point in the game of life, I don't suppose it matters.

In conclusion to this blog post:

This morning I was viewing images from my online verizon album. When I clicked on one to send to my daughter, a window came up that said, "Unfortunately your time has expired, you will have to log in again." That pretty much, kinda sorta, sums up how I feel. Now, to figure out how to log in again...

A New Day

"People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering."

~~

I believe the key to happiness is: someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.

Elvis Presley

~~

"Did you ever feel like the whole world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"

George Gobel

~~

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

Dawna Markova

The Saddest Words

"Oh God, what might have been."

Those are lyrics from a song that I listen to. I feel I can relate.

Life can be rough. Decisions made in life can be even harder to make and deal with. Life hurts and can leave scars that reopen which makes it difficult to fully love again, as if you've never been hurt. A Johnny Cash quote - ...how do you get tough? I increase my faking mode. It's the only self preservation system that I know of.

A side note on faking it. One of my sons, my youngest, has learned the art of faking it by example - mine. He too struggles in life and so he is very aware when I am faking it. I was texting him last night. He asked what I was doing. I told him I was smiling. He replied, "I know that is FAKE. Scene is over."

So the drawback is, those who know me well, as he does, know when I am in survival mode. In a way, that is good, as he recognizes the symptoms and tells me jokes or acts silly to make me truly smile. It warms my heart to feel his love.

It's been said that 'everything is relative. Go make the best of it'.

What if you can't find your bearings in order to 'go'. What if life is at a turning point and you find too many sign posts, being unsure which one to follow the path of in order to make the best of it. And, was the person who made that statement, referring to life in usage of the word 'it'?

I do write uplifting and positive posts but there are times when life is on the downhill slide, and me, being one who does not do well on hills, I find writing how I feel the best way for me, to move on to a more pleasant and solid ground.

I figure if life were always simplistic and blissful, the enemy must be happy with me. Therefore, I embrace the pain, long suffering and hurt...kinda sorta.

A few weeks ago, I posted YouTube video of the song I Don't Need You, by Rupert Holmes. The words meant something to me when I first heard them that are unlike what they meant to me yesterday when I heard them again.

"I don't need you in the way I expected". Tis true as sometimes I am unaware my mind has left me, so when I discover that important fact, it is kinda sorta unexpected. You would think by now that I would be aware of the signs...but I'm not.

"Should I call you up, I won't". Tis true, how would I even know how to reach my mind when it travels away? I don't have the number on my speed dial. :)

There are also lyrics from another song that could not have fit my frame of mind more perfectly as it came across the sound waves the other morning and entered my heart. I thought to myself, 'what timing' this is and, is this a message from God or the enemy.

Of course you and I both know the answer to that one.

So here goes...

"Remember you, remember me, and all those dreams we had..." Tis true, I remember my dreams. Tis also true that over the years, seems all of the dreams I have had filtered through some atmospheric screen over and over again until the dream became nothing more than dust. So why then, at the age of 55, do I keep dreaming? Tis true, the you was who I was and who I wanted to be once upon a time when my mind was functioning and still with me. The me is my mind of course which has left me on occasion. I figure if I get tired of me, my mind most certainly does also and probably even has flyer miles due to all the trips it takes, leaving me feeling abandoned. At that point, I feel as though I am in the clouds solo, taking steps in the air, unsure where my feet will land. I lack words and find myself faking a happy me, through every moment of every day. Ever fake sleeping? Not an easy task but plausible.

"I can almost hear you, as though you're mine and near me." Those lyrics caused me to ponder my lack of mind as I drove in my car the other morning. Before you get nervous for the other drivers on the road, even without my full mind, I can fake driving quite well.

I do wish my mind were more near at times. I felt confident that my mind, where ever it may go, remembers it is mine and won't somehow, return to another person on its return flight. Wouldn't that be awful?

Fortunate for those who live in my world in the hundred acre woods of the Pacific Northwest, my mind is coming back to me, although in bits and pieces. Maybe it is having doubts about returning. I will be glad for its return and hope the day never comes when my mind prefers the company of another destination. Maybe someone in the Caribbean.

WHOOO

Yesterday I got up feeling in a funk. I ate macaroni and cheese before going to bed and slept in too long. I walked down the hall to the bathroom which was really quite a task while carrying all that baggage I was holding on to. I felt my way in the semi dark of the early morning hour by running my hand along the wall, feeling for the edge, knowing I could then maneuver myself around the corner to the bathroom. That is unless I lost my bearings in which case I would find myself running into the wash machine! Not a good thing when the bathroom is my goal destination.


I soaked my face with warm water. It didn't help. It didn't help at all viewing in the mirror either. I wondered who that old woman with bags under her eyes could possible be and why was she following me, after all, a bathroom should be a private place and this morning I wanted to be left alone. I attempted to rid the skin on my face of the bags by using cold water. It didn't help either so I gave up and turned the light out which helped considerably.



I headed to the kitchen to make coffee...out of creamer. ugh I then made my way to where I store my paperwork on the top shelf of the closet in my bedroom. I have not settled into this new place even though I have been here almost 9 months. Have to make some changes so I am no longer feeling like I am living out of boxes. I searched for a booklet I needed to remedy an issue I was having with my cell phone. The papers were stuffed in so tightly I could barely fit my fat old lady fingers in between them to pull one or two out. I huffed and puffed to make sure the papers knew my displeasure with the way they had allowed themselves to become so tightly bound, causing me to struggle. I took all of them down and sorted them before placing all of them in my brief case bag to sort out later in the day. I'll show - them I thought to myself.

Now that I had wasted all of that time and still had not found the booklet I needed, I poured myself a fake cup of coffee (fake because it had no cream and what is coffee without creamer?) and went to get on the computer. I sat on the couch in the living room with my lap top on my lap where lap tops were designed to be....right? The window was open to bring in the morning breeze, sounds and fragrances. Instead I get a 'whoooo' noise from some obnoxious bird in the tree across the road. U... U... Usually, I embrace the bird morning songs but not this morning. I knew it was not an owl but could not figure out what kind of bird it was and why oh why was it pestering me on this morning when surely the bird knew that the last thing I needed on this particular morning was something out of the ordinary to deal with. Didn't I have enough to work through???



I looked down at my cell phone while waiting for the computer to boot up, and saw I had 8 messages all from the night before. I knew I had to respond but didn't feel in the mood. The computer was not co-operating with me and I ended up losing the post I was working on. I could not open my email, I was hot ... must be my age, I felt old and of no value to this world, I miss my sons, I miss having lunch with my friends, I miss road trips and going to the movies. I want to buy new shoes. I want to buy a new blouse or two. I want tomorrow to be here today.


Yesterday, I ended up losing the post and unable time wise to get back on the computer and respond to emails, I shut the computer down and walked away which seemed the safest thing to do for the computers sake. I talked through some of my feelings with a friend but kinda sorta didn't mention everything that is bothering me and was on my mind. Somethings I just can't talk about some stuff. I got called in to work early which was of help. When I am at work I focus on nothing but getting the job done giving my brain a break.

Must of helped going to work...

I woke up this morning feeling better. I googled the bird noise I head yesterday. Turns out it is a Band Tailed Pigeon that live in the Pacific Northwest and are known for making an owl like sound. I don't hear it this morning. I even have the door open. I suppose it might be that I hurt its feelings or maybe it found a home to entertain where the old lady of the house is more chipper in the mornings than I was yesterday.



The donkey next door is pleased that I am up. I can hear him saying hello and feel certain he moves his head up and down when he brays. I can't see him through the trees where he resides on the other side but imagine it to be so all the same. I have a day off. There is a cool breeze blowing on my legs as I sit here with my lap top typing away. It feels soothing. I can hear the dryer going down the hall making me feel good that I am half way done with laundry and it isn't even 7 a.m. yet.



Yesterday, I did a lot of sighing because of my funk. I did not exactly know the reason why I felt that way but being the analyzer that I am, I made mental lists of why. This morning is a new day. I am doing a lot of sighing again but at the thoughts of having a day off, a lunch date with one of my sons and a picnic in my back yard on the lawn perhaps with several ants that have set up house on the back porch, the truck sounds from the road, the aroma of fresh mowed lawn and warmth of a summer day.



The neighbors cat just made her way into my house via the open door. I guess she saw it as an invitation. I think I will go pet her, if she will let me, and chat with her about my determination to have a better day today. I figure I can't wait for a good day to just happen so I am just going to have to do it all by myself...well, me and kitty cat for starters.

Teetering

Recently I teetered more than ever before on a thin line that continually changed shape, as strong winds blew into my life.I think I carry too much (burden and worry) along the way, throwing off my balance. I would close my eyes and pretend all was well, kinda sorta blinding my mind with lies.

I tried blinking my eyes like I did as a youth after waking from a bad dream. No one came to my aid. I held out hope that the action of my eyes blinking would kinda sorta change the channel from nightmare to bliss filled dreams.

Nothing seemed to be a solution.

I didn't know what tomorrow would bring my way, where I would be and in what sort of mental state I would find myself in.

There was nothing within reach to take hold of. I cried out for help but no one seemed to hear me or understand me. If only I was given the ability to grow wings, maybe then I could have flown away.

I did my best to keep pretending that I had it all together. If I had fallen off the thin line onto the side of insanity, would I be consumed or would I simply break into pieces. Maybe I would just lay there lifeless and flat as a pancake - without butter and syrup.

I gave a lot of thought to what my destiny might be. Would I one day be strong and bold for real or just keep faking it? Would I ever do more than survive? If so,

when - will that be

where - will I be

how - will it come to pass

I confess, I expected over sized men in white coats to show up at my door one day and take me away. As blessings come in the most unexpected ways, my rescuer was someone also, I believe, teetered on a thin line of their own.

Ah, peace, contentment and a somewhat sound mind - it's good to be back!

Perspective

Yesterday I wrote about a recent road trip. Care to hear more?

Once I crossed the border into Oregon, I saw many freshly harvested wheat fields. Overhead, great hawks soared over them with their wings spread wide. They seemed as if they were floating in the air, allowing the wind from that height to guide them to their intended destination - tasty rodents scampering through the fields below them.

I couldn't help but imagine how it would be to feel so weightless. Hawks, eagles and birds of all kinds are magnificent to observe, especially that day, which was a lazy day off for me.

From ground zero, I don't suppose the harvest mice viewed those skyward creatures from my prospective.

It's all about who you are and where you are in this world, that defines just how your day is going to go...or end.

True Story

She caught my eye. Her motorcycle had a long decorated pole on the back end with an attached American Flag that flapped in the breeze as she sailed down the freeway. A breeze that I was thankful for as it was a hot day in Oregon.

Her helmet had a cheetah pattern print on it. Here clothing was not ordinary either. They had style and color. Her bike, well...it was a shade of red that I considered to be hot pink. At least when the hot Oregon sun shone on it, that is the color it appeared to be.

Way Cool

Even at the high speed of the freeway, she road on her travels with confidence amongst 18-wheelers and other vehicles, mine among them.

I wondered who she was.

I wondered where she was headed to.

I wondered if I would ever be so brave as I believed her to be.

She was a stranger, although not strange at all. She and her bike were fascinating to me.

I wonder if one day, we will meet and be best of friends. Would she offer me a ride? Would I be bold and accept?

I saw a bumper sticker earlier on my road trip that read -

Hmmm I said to myself, as I put the 2 together. She was indeed bold. Going nowhere - perhaps, or perhaps not. Even going nowhere in particular at all...

WHAT A WAY TO GO!