There are just certain things in life that are better off unknown. Things you wished you'd never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt.
Life was much easier when I was younger. Life was easier to accept and endure when there was so much that I didn't know, see, hear or have to feel.
One day my eyes were open to the world. I asked questions. I worked through memories of my youth in search of answers and found more pain than I could deal with. That, added to the realization of the facts of what the people were like in my world and how what I thought was, wasn't, led me to this state which is no state of being or feeling alive.
I grew angry. I gave up. I gained strength to fight again, knowing that surely this is not how people should act, that surely there are others out there who have true hearts that are filled with ca
re and compassion for the human race.
I grew weary. I became indifferent. If I didn't care anymore, if I walked through my days without emotion then I would not lay my heart out for others to tread on.
There comes a time, perhaps, when you sink so low in the pit of despair that the only way out is to fight.
...and so goes the journey to find what I believe is true...there has to be others out there who have a heart like mine....
....of feelings. Feelings you didn't even know you were capable of having. That kind of pain has a memory all its own.
Traffic. The wheels keep rolling like the days that keep coming and yet realities are still not clear. However, the world keeps turning and life moves on - kinda sorta without me.
I wonder if those I think on ever saw my face or heard my words at all.
Bullies - they are everywhere no matter how young or how old you are. It seems the onl
y way to win the game of life is to become a bully myself but I refuse to engage in that process.
But, I got ahead of myself so I will begin more at the beginning.
I was asked how I have been doing lately. It was difficult to express. When a person has been in a car accident, there are at times, injuries. Days, weeks and months can go by before other symptoms might emerge. The healing time, emotionally and physically can take years. That is the way I can best describe how I am doing - attempting to heal as more symptoms emerge from the last two or three years of my life. I felt like I was slowly coming to after a horrible car accident and everything was in slow motion.
People, not all, I worked with who I thought were my friends, I discovered weren't.
People, not all, whose job it was to support me and protect me, chose not to.
For now, I go through each day in a fog. I try to put the reality of those experiences behind me. As I try to sort it all out, I avoid engaging in conversation with any of them.
I chose not to make new friends for fear of it being an unrealistic expectation. I work at my new job then return home to the confines of my room.
Perhaps if I had been a stronger person I would have made it through unscathed. I feel disillusioned. What happened during those years not only effected me emotionally but physically as well which I suppose is normal. At least something about me is normal.
I keep a day planner with me almost at all times. It is at the point that if I don't, I might forget to be at an appointment. My mind is to cluttered to think clearly. I wish I could simply make a list of my thinkings and ramblings and scratch a few off each day. I would then see the list grow and that is something I am not ready for...yet.
I have given thought to sharing with each one of those people how I feel....I would say to one - I trusted your words. I trusted my son in your hands. You put him in danger and in harms way big time. I allowed you to gain my trust. I allowed you to interfere with my well being. I allowed you to destroy lives of other people as I sat and watched in shock, too horrified to rectify what you had done. It was territory that I had never been on. You have a lot of people fooled and trapped. I am sad for you.
To another - I am unsure how I fell into the assumption that you knew what was best for my life. I am unsure why I thought it was OK for you to govern my life and when I did not continue to comply, why did you find it your task to vomit those words in my space?
I am weary of trying to figure it out.
it is what it is
wish it were what it could be
There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this...
Sometimes you can feel such a moment coming. That's the test, or so I tell myself. I tell myself that at times like that, strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're going to find.
Something is always happening no matter where you are or who you are. But, when it or things happen, people don't always see it. Can you relate? At times it's hard to understand or accept it but.....
We sat side by side chatting about this and that, mostly about that.
He turned in my direction when he spoke. I looked back at him and for the first time in a very long time, I saw the scar on his forehead that seemed more prominent that it had.
Some scars are physical. I knew how he got the scar and the reminder of the incident, being on his forehead, would forever be a reminder to him. In his eyes I saw the inner scars and in his words and his voice at times, I could feel the inner scars from his life.
We share that in common, we both have inner scars which many people do. Scars that seem to leave an opening that never completely seals which leaves a person vulnerable in life.
I asked him to make me laugh. He did. He told me a funny story. I laughed and it felt good, kinda sorta like a release. I am not sure if he knows that his funny stories are like a healing balm...or does he
I knew him but I didn't. We were friends but we weren't. Does that make sense?
Who really knows a person...hmmm I wonder
He was a physically strong man, smart, nice looking, kind and caring. The kind of guy who was always looking out for others. In some cases, forgetting to care enough about himself.
Then one day a horrible tragedy occurred in his life. A moment in time he couldn't take back. Things he said and did during a moment in time that were so unlike him but then maybe that was in his character. After all, he had never been put in that circumstance before. How could he or anyone know how he would respond.
It was hard on him. The tragedy was rough. It affected not only him but many people in his world. He went back to work but I could see it in his eyes - he was not the same.
Days went by and he wandered through his work day as if he was on the outside of himself, prompting his body to move forward. He spoke little, as if there were no words left to say. Maybe in this new world that he was entering he had not yet figured out the language that he had to acquire nor the way to be as he was still not the man he was.
Therapy didn't seem to be of help. Friends advice were words that bounced around the room. No one understood or could relate to what he had experienced and yet they insisted he make changes, let it all go and be the old buddy they had before that tragic day.
He became angry - at the world and at himself. He mourned the day and questioned who he really was. Had he been sleeping all of those years that had passed and who was this person they wanted him to be.
Nothing made sense anymore.
I could see it in his eyes. He was not the same person. I saw a lost man in his eyes. I wondered if he would ever find his way back again. I wondered if he would ever find happiness, if his smile would ever return.
I don't recall how long it was, more than months but not longer than years until one day as he walked past me, I could sense something had changed in him. He had found answers to his questions, at least some of them. He smiled. His eyes were bright and cheerful. He seemed excited about what possibilities there were in his day.
I was happy for him and jealous at the same time.
and so it was.......just as he was beginning his new life, tragedy struck again. This time, tragedy took his life, along with the answers to my questions.
re and compassion for the human race.
