He Said She Said

He said......... she said

It was more like

They said..........I said nothing

I wish I knew how to speak up for myself. I prefer to endure rather than make waves. Most of the time I find making waves creates more of an issue than the issue was to begin with.

I am weary

I can't even remember how long it has been since I started my new life as a single person. I had been married 31 years. It felt like I was thrown into a new world. Everyone from strangers to friends offered advice as to what I should do, how I should live and spend my days and nights. All I knew is I needed a change and desperately wanted to discover who I wanted to be...who I was.

My mind opened to possibilities and the change began. It wasn't easy. I work long hours having to work two almost full time jobs but sometimes 'it is what it is'. I admit there have been and are times when I loose track of what day it is, especially when I wake up in the morning and have to take a minute to remember what job I am going to. So, I put up two calendars, each one listing special events I have to remember like birthdays and a play day with a girlfriend or one of my sons. I put down paydays and what bills I would attempt to pay.

At one of my jobs, I am in a position that is new this year. Having been there eight years I am use to the process and tasks but this year I am changing tasks almost every hour so my mind has to move with the changes.

I punch the time clock from that job...so to speak...and head off to visit my sons and check on how homeschooling is going for my youngest son. I am not especially pleased that I have been put in charge of being the solo one to handle the homeschool process being that he has two parents but again, 'it is what it is'.

Off to my second job. First I have to stop off at home to change clothes. In the beginning I took my clothes with me and changed in the staff bathroom but felt a need to take a moment to adjust by coming back to my apartment and change there. That way I can take a breather from the jet pace my life has become. It helps.

My second job is enjoyable. Kind of a nice way to spend the evening. I am learning a lot and know the expectations more clearly than I do at my other job so I find I am more productive.

I'm rambling...I know....but with a title of ramblings you expected that didn't you?

~~

They said I was

sporadic
not the old me
appearing unhappy
appearing tired
not communicating
over worked
not taking care of myself

They said I needed to be the old me, the one they were familiar with.

I said.........

nothing

I guess that is not completely true. I did say OK. I did listen. What I heard is that 'they' are not understanding that I recently went through a death of a marriage and still trying to adjust. It affected my world in a big way. I feel the duty to make certain my children feel stable and still loved just as when I was living with them. I have to take on two jobs to make ends meet which takes up a lot of hours in my day. I have a person in my life that sends me text messages with a plea for help at random times and I feel a need to stop what I am doing and work through a process to help them. That person lives in another state which makes it tricky. In the midst of whatever I am doing at my job, I have to focus on that persons needs because I care and promised to have their back. In a matter of a few minutes I then have to refocus on the task of my job while pondering on what text message will arrive next from that person who I love.

When I am at my second job I don't keep my cell phone with me. When I get to my locker at the end of my shift I often times find 7 to 10 text messages ranging from my children to that person along with other friends who want or need and then there is the occasional 'hello friend' ones that I welcome. I sit in my car in the parking lot and respond to the texts the best I can knowing I should be curled up in bed dreaming sweet dreams.

I put my car in drive and head home. Chores to do, clothes to iron for the next day, figuring out what to eat as there has not been time for that in my day but find I am too tired to eat so I head down the hall to my bedroom, close the door and crawl in bed. I wish sleep came easy but it doesn't. You would think after a long day I would be but my mind is on overdrive going over the day and making sure I didn't miss anything.

The wee hours of the morning arrive as I watch the digital clock rotating to new numbers. Somewhere in the not so quiet darkness of night, I fall asleep. I wake often hearing the neighbors laughing and chatting. arggg My eyes open and I see it is already time to wake up. I wonder how long I actually slept. Doesn't matter as I have to get up and get moving........welcome to another day Nancy, ready or not...