Monday, November 21, 2011

Complex layers


....of feelings. Feelings you didn't even know you were capable of having. That kind of pain has a memory all its own.

Traffic. The wheels keep rolling like the days that keep coming and yet realities are still not clear. However, the world keeps turning and life moves on - kinda sorta without me.

I wonder if those I think on ever saw my face or heard my words at all.

Bullies - they are everywhere no matter how young or how old you are. It seems the onl
y way to win the game of life is to become a bully myself but I refuse to engage in that process.

But, I got ahead of myself so I will begin more at the beginning.

I was asked how I have been doing lately. It was difficult to express. When a person has been in a car accident, there are at times, injuries. Days, weeks and months can go by before other symptoms might emerge. The healing time, emotionally and physically can take years. That is the way I can best describe how I am doing - attempting to heal as more symptoms emerge from the last two or three years of my life. I felt like I was slowly coming to after a horrible car accident and everything was in slow motion.

People, not all, I worked with who I thought were m
y friends, I discovered weren't.

People, not all, whose job it was to support me and protect me, chose not to.

For now, I go through each day in a fog. I try to put the reality of those experiences behind me. As I try to sort it all out, I avoid engaging in conversation with any of them.

I chose not to make new friends for fear of it being an unrealistic expectation. I work at my new job then return home to the confines of my room.

Perhaps if I had been a stronger person I would have made it through unscathed. I feel disillusioned. What happened during those years not only effected me emotionally but physically as well which I supp
ose is normal. At least something about me is normal.

I keep a day planner with me almost at all times. It is at the point that if I don't, I might forget to be at an appointment. My mind is to cluttered to think clearly. I wish I could simply make a list of my thinkings and ramblings and scratch a few off each day. I would then see the list grow and that is something I am not ready for...yet.

I have given thought to sharing with each one of those people how I feel....I would say to one - I trusted your words. I trusted my son in your hands. You put him in danger and in harms way big time. I allowed you to gain my trust. I allowed you to interfere with my well being. I allowed you to destroy lives of other people as I sat and watched in shock, too horrified to rectify what you had done. It was territory that I had never been on. You have a lot of people fooled and trapped. I am sad for you.

To another - I am unsure how I fell into the assumption that you knew what was best for my life. I am unsure why I thought it was OK for you to govern my life and when I did not continue to comply, why did you find it your task to vomit those words in my space?

I am weary of trying to figure it out.

it is what it is
wish it were what it could be



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