Jakes

That's what I call him.

When he introduced himself to me, he said his name was Jacob but people call him Jake for short. I asked if I could too, he said sure.

I think Jake is great! He is full of life. He is full of energy. He is almost always smiling and almost always .... up to something.

How I met Jake:
The classroom I had at school was at the end of the hallway. My classroom door I kept open. From time to time, I would heard a loud slapping of shoes against the floor that echoed in the empty hall. I continued on with work but after days of hearing the same pattern, I began to gaze up at the clock and log the time of day.

Yep, that sound was timely.
Hmmm I thought

I couldn't see the hall from my chair so I poised myself in the doorway about the time of the shoe slapping arrival, and waited.

Here he came, down the hall, not looking up once to view my presence. He was too in tune with the noise his shoes were making. Right when he got to my doorway I said, "hello Jake."

With the cutest grin you can find on any little child, he looked up without missing a shoe slap, and said, "hello Mrs. Dieballs." He put his head back down not to miss too much of his self made entertainment and continued on his oh so merry way.

Hmmm

At recess I stopped him and asked him if he knew my name.

"Yes," he said.

"I know your name is Jacob and you like to be called Jake, right?"

"Yes."

"And you do know my name is Mrs. Dieball?"

"Yes."

"OK, just checking."

....and so it was, I heard the shoe slapping noise in the hall and felt intrigued and wondered why this fascination. I stood in the hallway this time, making my presence more known. Jake gets right to where I am standing and without his eyes leaving the motion of his shoes says, "hi Mrs. Dieballs." I returned a hello and a broad smile that he didn't see.

The short of that long story is, three years later and we still greet each other with hellos and the use of our names....Mrs. Dieballs and Jakes. I had to join in somehow. He was having way too much fun to not invite myself in. I can't say that I do any shoe slapping in the hallway but I have found by knowing Jakes I received some of his energy and love of life. At this age, to Jakes, it all seems so simple and maybe life is simple. Maybe it is as we age or in the way we view life that makes it all seem so complicated.

I use to not like walks in the rain.
Now I do.

I use to never want to ride on a train.
Now I want a window seat and journey on a train - somewhere.


I use see no purpose in sleeping in.
Now I want to experience breakfast in bed - of all things.


I use to not like surprises.
Now I look forward to them.
I use to not like it when I would forget.
Now I have a list of things I want to forget.



I use to think that life never changes.
Now I know, life can be changed and does go on.

Different

Somehow I feel some sense of resolve in my mind today. I feel a peace I haven't felt in this way...before.

Like you, possibly, I have had troubled and turbulent days and also peace and joy filled ones. But this day, these feelings I am having are new.

As if the Lord has finally turned a page for my life. Perhaps I am reaching the mountain top. Yes, that's what I believe. This mountain climb has been a long and torturous one. Although I am not at the peak yet, I feel good in my shoes, in my thinking, in my skin. I don't feel like I am walking in so much darkness. Like the prize is more clearly in view.

Does that make sense?

I know few who are patient with me.
bummer
I know few who have stuck by my side.
bummer

I am glad though that when I walked through this day, I felt YOU were still with me.

Drama

I like dramas, live musicals, plays and all that jazz.

Then there are the solo dramas...hmmm

I work around children and have children of my own so I see plenty of dramas performed by the most precious and talented drama kings and queens.

However, I know an adult who performs drama solos. I don't think they like performing without an audience because I see and hear them try to engage others in their dramas. Some folks join in, most don't.

When you are young and entertain the world in a solo drama, it is kinda sorta accepted and kinda sorta cute. As an adult, the solo dramas are kinda sorta not accepted and kinda sorta not so cute.

I guess I am saying that I kinda sorta wish dramas were left for the stage.

...and so he said, "See what you have done!"

...and the child believed.

...and her heart cried in silence as she searched for a way to let the child know he had not been to blame at all. That what one mans reality appears to be is only in his head and not truth at all.

...and so the child opened his eyes to see the truth that he was not to blame but couldn't seem to fully take hold of it as the man's words were sent with such force and anger. For the child is frail and now the truth appears lost and floats into the atmosphere adrift, once again.





...and as she said good bye to her son, she turned back to ask if he knew for certain that he was not to blame for what happened.

...and so the boy smiles and says he knew all along what was truth but sometimes it is a hard thing to recognize when the assault is upon him.

...and so the lanky boy bends down and hugs her and her heart was glad. They now shared a secret that would build a bond, one they both needed as they continue to subsist.

More ME

Day 4

My final full ME day away from home and I wanted to make sure I fully embraced this last restful Autumn morning, so I left my pen and paper behind and head out to the porch.

A multitude of seagulls fly across the sky. The further away they get, I notice their wings wave against the wind, and now make a white flicker like stars, against the blue sky.

My plan was to keep thoughts at bay and use this time to simply be. But it wasn't so, thoughts began to flow, emotions filled my heart, some recent conversations reveal themselves from their resting place deep in my soul.

There, in the quiet company of the sunrise, I feel my heart beating and am more than ever aware of my breathing as strength and power grow within me. Somehow both in sync with the other.

I don't want this day to leave me. I am determined to end this day stronger and wiser and with more hope that yesterday. I won't look back, only forward. I sit filled with a strange combination of sadness and joy. If only I held a magic wand and could zap the sadness away but then I fear any moments of joy will be gone as well.

The sky is clear. It's a beautiful day, the kind of October day where you need a jacket and find yourself zipping it up.

~~

I'm sitting in an idling car down by the water waiting to take the ferry. Our car follows the long line of others as we board. With a sigh, I feel it coming back to me. I close my eyes and the years begin to move in reverse through my mind. I remembered my first ferry ride, as all the splendor that I felt then, returned. Like with all good memories, first I smile and then I cry inside, only this time it was a good kind of cry.

This last full day was filled with many firsts for me and many memory making moments. Then, like with all good things, I realize the end is only minutes away.

Like me lately, the world around me is changing. Roads narrow, some widen.

and yet....

green leaves still turn to Autumn colors
the winds are much cooler
at 3:00 the school bell rings and jubilant students head for home
ice cream is required and dished for dessert
the arguing, complaining and questioning makes its way into my world

...some things remain the same

I learned that anything from a simple letter, a moment in time, a sunrise, a choice, or one word can change a life forever.

I'm not sure the exact time, but somewhere on the road between there and here, I breathe deeply and exhale out a somber sigh. I can't say I was totally surprised, that the hope I had held on to, believing as I changed, those in my world would accept it and encourage me, but it wasn't so.

And there it is again, so recongizable. Despair, darker and heavier than before. I fight to remain composed. I fight to not let my fears and downheartedness show.

I wonder...
where the fuel that feeds the fire comes from.
if I could, would I want to turn back the hands of the clock or fast forward them.
if the blame storming sessions will subside.
if the 'it will get worse before it gets better' has arrived or is there more to come.

Most of all, I wonder if I will sleep tonight.