You can run but you can't hide...so I've heard it said. Not that I should run, at my age, running could be a dangerous event! Hip joints could give out, knees could buckle, my make-up might even run. :)
I didn't run away but kinda sorta tried to escape or hide away, from the person I had become due to life circumstances.
I was kinda sorta successful. I am becoming a new person. I smile more. I hear myself laugh and look to see who it is as in the past, laugh
ter was not one of the sounds I made. Purring when I sleep...maybe more like a lion (at least that is what my kids report) than a kitten but purring all the same, is a sound I am familiar with. A sigh was an often time sound I made. I worked on stopping the sighs when I would hear them. I didn't want to interfere with anyone's well being. At work I had to make frequent phone calls to one of the secretaries. One day she said to me...."I knew it was you by the sigh you just made."
Oh bother. I felt terrible that I had worked so hard on pretending all was well in my life and yet I let the sighs slip out.
so...my style of clothes is new and my hair color is new. I went back to the color my hair was as a teen. When I turned 19, my dark brown hair began to ...ahem...sparkle with shades of gray. Being the lady that I am, I experimented over the years with shades of blonde and light brown shades. The day came when I had stepped out from the world I was living in, and I darkened my hair color. I was told that a lady of my age should never wear dark hair as it only ages me. Hmmmm I gave it a thought or two and decided that I had just left a long time relationship where I was dictated to and never given a chance to make my own decisions and opted out of their choice for me and my hair.
Ok...so I am rambling but after all, this is pinkramblerramblings. :)
Why am I rambling? Mostly because I am upset and out of sorts at the moment. I can't seem to focus or gather reasonable thoughts due to a conversation I had this morning with someone.
I'm in the car, driving. I guess that is what the car is for....giggle. The passenger (not a stranger) says to me, "So, why did you want to pick me up?"
grrrrrrrrrrr
I did not say that out loud but I wanted to. I knew from the way they asked me, that the passenger thought I wanted to be with them for reasons other than giving them a ride. grrrrrrrrr Yes, another grrrr made it's way to my inner voice, all the while I kept my hands FIRMLY gripped into the steering wheel and viewed the road ahead of me, acting as if I were very busy focusing on traffic, giving me time to consider a proper and clear response.
The old me would have allowed the passenger to believe that what they thought was true, really was. Does that make sense? Seemed easier for me in the past, to go that route rather than voicing my feelings. However, the new me spoke my mind....
"Wait a minute. The conversation yesterday went this way....I live five minutes from your location this morning. You needed a ride. The only person at the time other than me that could give you a ride was 40 minutes away. I felt it would be the wisest choice."
Hmmm, silence fell like dumbbells in a weight room. That was the end of that conversation.
The silence was too much for me and the drive was going to be far too long to allow it to last. I was feeling a bit of anger which caused me to be brave so I piped up, "Is there a reason you have not shared our relationship with your group of friends? You know how uncomfortable it was for me to meet your friend just now and have him invite me to join you for an event as if our relationship was something that it is not? Why is it you kept silent and did not tell him who I am in your life?"
The response I got from my passenger was familiar territory for me to hear out of their mouth and gave me unwanted memories of what life was like back on 'the ranch'. However, I did feel content in getting out my feelings.
It didn't end there but as you must know by now, there is never a short story in my life. ...and so th
e passenger asks me a random question - we moved to random chat. I guess we both could sense the friction in the air. In response to his random question I gave a random answer to which the passenger turns their body in my direction, points a finger waaaayyyyyyyy to close to 'my space', raises their voice and kinda sorta chews me out.
To which I began to well up with tears and my face did this kinda sorta Samantha from Bewitched nose and mouth twitching thing. Not cute at all and an obvious nervous sign. The passenger noticed and began the familiar routine of apologizing but blaming it all on the fact that he can't help but speak with a raised voice because it seems, the passenger works with a bunch of guys that give that person a hard time so a raised voice and good finger pointing to is the ONLY WAY to handle such situations.
I wanted to giggle...I was on the edge of insanity. I was upset with myself that no matter how far I have gone away in distance from my past, the same ol' me remains where I allow the face tapping, the tears to well up, fears return and my Samantha twitching. arg! I wanted to ask the passenger how many times were they going to blame share. I wanted to open the passenger door and let the passenger out. However, the drive continued and I told the passenger that I forgave them because that is the thing to do.
more...you bet there is more
I could feel eyes on me. You know that feeling? I knew the passenger was looking my way and wondered what was up. Then I heard words that made me cringe....I prefer not to share what they said but the passenger expressed how they feel about me, although nice words, not what I felt was appropriate to say at this point.
I had enough. I pulled the car off into a ditch...giggle..safely to the side of the road. I looked them straight in the eye and began to express what had happened and how 'it went down' years ago when the passenger had told me of an event they had participated in, which began the breakdown of our relationship and the breaking of my heart.
Silence again. This time it was a quiet unsettling kind of thing. My stomach was in knots the size of Texas. I had no idea how the passenger felt because they said nothing and began viewing the side of the road. Hmmm guess it is time to get this trip over with.
A few short feet from their doorstep, the passenger turns to me and said, "Now I am more clear on where you are coming from. I'm sorry."
Maybe I have a cruel portion in my heart but for the life of me, I could not find a way to say that I forgive them. Fact is, I don't think I have. Every time I think on what happened, I get a bit angry so I know total forgiveness has not occurred. Perhaps in time....
So here I am, typing away, getting out how I feel in hopes it will help me sort it out and get past it so I can have a productive night at work rather than having the mornings events stewing in my head and heart.
I am not fully yet the person I want to become, but I am so glad that I have finally found my voice and am learning to speak up on my behalf.
I didn't run away but kinda sorta tried to escape or hide away, from the person I had become due to life circumstances.
I was kinda sorta successful. I am becoming a new person. I smile more. I hear myself laugh and look to see who it is as in the past, laugh
ter was not one of the sounds I made. Purring when I sleep...maybe more like a lion (at least that is what my kids report) than a kitten but purring all the same, is a sound I am familiar with. A sigh was an often time sound I made. I worked on stopping the sighs when I would hear them. I didn't want to interfere with anyone's well being. At work I had to make frequent phone calls to one of the secretaries. One day she said to me...."I knew it was you by the sigh you just made."Oh bother. I felt terrible that I had worked so hard on pretending all was well in my life and yet I let the sighs slip out.
so...my style of clothes is new and my hair color is new. I went back to the color my hair was as a teen. When I turned 19, my dark brown hair began to ...ahem...sparkle with shades of gray. Being the lady that I am, I experimented over the years with shades of blonde and light brown shades. The day came when I had stepped out from the world I was living in, and I darkened my hair color. I was told that a lady of my age should never wear dark hair as it only ages me. Hmmmm I gave it a thought or two and decided that I had just left a long time relationship where I was dictated to and never given a chance to make my own decisions and opted out of their choice for me and my hair.
Ok...so I am rambling but after all, this is pinkramblerramblings. :)
Why am I rambling? Mostly because I am upset and out of sorts at the moment. I can't seem to focus or gather reasonable thoughts due to a conversation I had this morning with someone.
I'm in the car, driving. I guess that is what the car is for....giggle. The passenger (not a stranger) says to me, "So, why did you want to pick me up?"
grrrrrrrrrrr
I did not say that out loud but I wanted to. I knew from the way they asked me, that the passenger thought I wanted to be with them for reasons other than giving them a ride. grrrrrrrrr Yes, another grrrr made it's way to my inner voice, all the while I kept my hands FIRMLY gripped into the steering wheel and viewed the road ahead of me, acting as if I were very busy focusing on traffic, giving me time to consider a proper and clear response.
The old me would have allowed the passenger to believe that what they thought was true, really was. Does that make sense? Seemed easier for me in the past, to go that route rather than voicing my feelings. However, the new me spoke my mind....
"Wait a minute. The conversation yesterday went this way....I live five minutes from your location this morning. You needed a ride. The only person at the time other than me that could give you a ride was 40 minutes away. I felt it would be the wisest choice."
Hmmm, silence fell like dumbbells in a weight room. That was the end of that conversation.
The silence was too much for me and the drive was going to be far too long to allow it to last. I was feeling a bit of anger which caused me to be brave so I piped up, "Is there a reason you have not shared our relationship with your group of friends? You know how uncomfortable it was for me to meet your friend just now and have him invite me to join you for an event as if our relationship was something that it is not? Why is it you kept silent and did not tell him who I am in your life?"
The response I got from my passenger was familiar territory for me to hear out of their mouth and gave me unwanted memories of what life was like back on 'the ranch'. However, I did feel content in getting out my feelings.
It didn't end there but as you must know by now, there is never a short story in my life. ...and so th
e passenger asks me a random question - we moved to random chat. I guess we both could sense the friction in the air. In response to his random question I gave a random answer to which the passenger turns their body in my direction, points a finger waaaayyyyyyyy to close to 'my space', raises their voice and kinda sorta chews me out.To which I began to well up with tears and my face did this kinda sorta Samantha from Bewitched nose and mouth twitching thing. Not cute at all and an obvious nervous sign. The passenger noticed and began the familiar routine of apologizing but blaming it all on the fact that he can't help but speak with a raised voice because it seems, the passenger works with a bunch of guys that give that person a hard time so a raised voice and good finger pointing to is the ONLY WAY to handle such situations.
I wanted to giggle...I was on the edge of insanity. I was upset with myself that no matter how far I have gone away in distance from my past, the same ol' me remains where I allow the face tapping, the tears to well up, fears return and my Samantha twitching. arg! I wanted to ask the passenger how many times were they going to blame share. I wanted to open the passenger door and let the passenger out. However, the drive continued and I told the passenger that I forgave them because that is the thing to do.
more...you bet there is more
I could feel eyes on me. You know that feeling? I knew the passenger was looking my way and wondered what was up. Then I heard words that made me cringe....I prefer not to share what they said but the passenger expressed how they feel about me, although nice words, not what I felt was appropriate to say at this point.
I had enough. I pulled the car off into a ditch...giggle..safely to the side of the road. I looked them straight in the eye and began to express what had happened and how 'it went down' years ago when the passenger had told me of an event they had participated in, which began the breakdown of our relationship and the breaking of my heart.
Silence again. This time it was a quiet unsettling kind of thing. My stomach was in knots the size of Texas. I had no idea how the passenger felt because they said nothing and began viewing the side of the road. Hmmm guess it is time to get this trip over with.
A few short feet from their doorstep, the passenger turns to me and said, "Now I am more clear on where you are coming from. I'm sorry."
Maybe I have a cruel portion in my heart but for the life of me, I could not find a way to say that I forgive them. Fact is, I don't think I have. Every time I think on what happened, I get a bit angry so I know total forgiveness has not occurred. Perhaps in time....
So here I am, typing away, getting out how I feel in hopes it will help me sort it out and get past it so I can have a productive night at work rather than having the mornings events stewing in my head and heart.
I am not fully yet the person I want to become, but I am so glad that I have finally found my voice and am learning to speak up on my behalf.
Now....on to the next person I need to talk to. I wonder if there is a brave potion to take ....
No comments:
Post a Comment