Random things about me:

I miss somebody right now.

I believe faith and honesty are keys to happiness.

I've changed a lot over the last year.

I have many hobbies.

I have secrets, that I can't reveal.

I like rainy days, they help me relax.

I like sunny days, they are perfect for backyard reading time.

I was born in San Diego and went back to explore, which made me cry.

I lived the longest time of my youth in Spokane. I went back to explore, which made me cry also.

I discovered I grew up as neighbors to a friend of mine, and we never knew it in our youth.

I dislike talking on the phone - immensely.

I've come to like P.J.'s.

I love Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

I believe in God.

I find I can't live without music.

I have a lot to learn.

I used to be very shy around people, but I think I'm becoming better.

I've gotten lost in Mossyrock.

I've had surgeries.

I've hugged strangers,which made them/us, no longer strangers.

I haven't tried pushing all the buttons in an elevator or done the 'jump' thing in one - yet.

I have gotten stitches.

Have you ever felt like the loneliest person on earth?

Have you ever felt like shouting your heart out?

Have you ever wanted to take a break from this world? Stop the time, take a deep breath and start everything fresh?

Have you ever felt that you just couldn't go on anymore?

Have you ever dreamt of a friend and woke up just to find that your pillow's wet and your eyes are red?

Have you ever wished it was the end of the world?

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Have you ever been afraid of losing the only person who has listened to what you had to say and had offered his hand to help you?

Have you ever found yourself in an endless maze of confusion?

Have you ever been tired of who you are?

Have you ever missed someone beyond imagination?

Has your heart ever been shattered into a thousand pieces and just when you were collecting and recovering the last pieces one of them cuts through your hand, your almost recovered heart falls, and it breaks again?

Sorting

What are they trying to accomplish?

I wish they could see themselves. Maybe they do see themselves but if only they could see how the view is from this side of the glass window.

Taking notes at meaningless meetings. Meetings with words that are nothing about everything. I don't dare view the notes they are taking but I am sure I would be astonished at what their notes would say. I know my forehead is wrinkled in question. Just what I need, more wrinkles. I am a note taker. Rare to find me without a note pad and if I am, be certain that I am recording a lot of what is going on and will put those thoughts or that moment into words. But at the meetings of late, I find nothing to write as nothing is really being said so I doodle which is so unlike me. Maybe in high school I would doodle but this is adulthood...right?

They sort papers then sort the papers they just sorted.

I was curious. This curious mode has been going on for days but up until this point I was unable to come up for air from my given tasks. So then, I asked, "can I help?"

"Yes, you can sort these papers," she said as she pointed toward the stacks among other stacks. I was unclear exactly what stack of papers she was referring specifically to but felt certain in the scheme of things, it didn't really matter. For a moment I thought a game might be fun and was going to point to a stack of papers and ask ..'you mean this stack or this stack,' but it seemed cruel somehow.

Hmmmm

There before me were two stacks of papers, still warm from the copier. Each stack held half of the pages to complete the book they were, I guess, attempting to put together. The pages were in random order. Some were turned over. I questioned the peculiar set up of jumbled pages as my forehead became permanently in wrinkle mode.

"That's how the copier shot them out."

In Pooh Bear fashion, I mouthed a quiet, "oh bother".

I joined their game. Seemed a way to kill a few hours by sorting papers then resorting - finding places to stack the masses then having to sort through the masses. Perhaps I neglected to read in my new job description that sorting stacks of paper was a required skill. I wondered if this is what madness feels like.

Maybe THEY get paid by the piece work that they handle.....

Disbelief

Disbelief - I guess that is all I can say - the only word I can pull from my head that explains how I feel.

I am - have been -am trying to move forward - be stronger - feel a sense of worth - work through feelings of failure, inadequacy, frustration and fear.

I was doing SOOOO WELLLL. I actually slept pretty well for a couple of nights and went through those same days with more confidence.

Then, little by little, the enemy entered at all the places that cut me the deepest.

How does it happen?

Where does it all come from?

I'm living life, then all of a sudden, I am sinking in a swamp of homework, cooking dinner, the pond needs tending to, ironing is staring at me and not doing itself, my cell phone signals another txt message came through for me to respond to, worry about my job which I dislike horribly, when am I going to find a job - questions and pressure coming at me that I don't have answers for so I try and find I can only throw some response in answer out like a half made BLT or cookies without baking soda that will never rise.

I can't grrrr - It's my own fault so any grrr's go inward.

My job position this year is just what I thought it would be - nope - wrong, it's worse than I thought it would be. Can't elaborate on that but want and need another job.

Homework - I am going to have to figure something out - SERIOUSLY!

Chores - I'm not the only one living here and not the only one with a full time job and yet I am the only one doing chores after and before work. What is with that? Or is it I find it easier and quicker to simply do the chores myself....

There is pressure from people who are pulling me this way and that. Why do they all want me to answer all the questions they have? Do I truly look that intelligent?

Maybe they are comments that sound like questions. After all, they weren't handed to me in writing ....hmmmm

I hoped sitting for a moment and writing would help me through this. Oftentimes it does. But this time it's not helping much.

I suppose part of it is because I have been up since 3:00 this morning due to worry so I am tired. Part of it is because I know there is SO much more left in this day to deal with and unfortunately, the unknown of how the rest of this day will unfold is what is really causing some stress.

A thought just entered my wandering mind...If I ever so politely asked my lovely and most friendly umbrella for a lift to the clouds, would it oblige me....

Chasing the Wind

Your life has changed. Fact is, I sense it is still changing.

You are right. I guess the new life has molded itself to me so well, it now feels less strange and more familiar.

What about the old days, the old ways, won't you miss them? Don't you feel a void?

In past days, I chased the wind a lot. Always thinking there was more, somewhere along the way I gave up.

It just was - now - it just is.

Don't you understand?
Fools like us are always dreaming.
And when you go to bed
And cover up your head
It's better if you try to stop
remembering.

And the world is slowly dawning
To wake up to a new clear morning.
Some of them just half your age
Get written off, page by page...

And the world is softly sleeping
While your fears are in their
keeping.
Don't you understand?

Invisible Horizon

Part five




Casey and Gwen were inseparable through the days of both sunshine and rain. They moved through each day in step with each others rhythm, fully aware of each others needs, understanding each other and in all ways, pleasing the other.

There was a time when nights' only purpose was to slip into another dawn. There was a time when only loneliness filled their minds and tears flooded their eyes.

Yesterdays are gone. There love has given them wings to fly and dance on the wind.

The sun rose overhead, the thick fog that once was before them, now was so far behind them. No longer in view - the invisible horizon - had finally vanished.

~~
This Day
Jadon Lavik

This day two lives become one
This day a new journey has begun
Our hearts full of lasting love
Brought together by the hand above

To share a life that draws us closer
To the one that we live for

And I will give you my heart
And all of who I am
And I will give more than vows
And words could ever say
Yes I’ll give you my all on this day
On this day

On the cross his love was shown
And this love will build our home
Standing now in front of you
We profess a love we know is true

To share a life that draws us closer
To the one that we live for

And I will give you my heart
And all of who I am
And I will give more than vows
And words could ever say
Yes I’ll give you my all on this day
And I’ll give you my all on this day

On this day, on this day