Disbelief

Disbelief - I guess that is all I can say - the only word I can pull from my head that explains how I feel.

I am - have been -am trying to move forward - be stronger - feel a sense of worth - work through feelings of failure, inadequacy, frustration and fear.

I was doing SOOOO WELLLL. I actually slept pretty well for a couple of nights and went through those same days with more confidence.

Then, little by little, the enemy entered at all the places that cut me the deepest.

How does it happen?

Where does it all come from?

I'm living life, then all of a sudden, I am sinking in a swamp of homework, cooking dinner, the pond needs tending to, ironing is staring at me and not doing itself, my cell phone signals another txt message came through for me to respond to, worry about my job which I dislike horribly, when am I going to find a job - questions and pressure coming at me that I don't have answers for so I try and find I can only throw some response in answer out like a half made BLT or cookies without baking soda that will never rise.

I can't grrrr - It's my own fault so any grrr's go inward.

My job position this year is just what I thought it would be - nope - wrong, it's worse than I thought it would be. Can't elaborate on that but want and need another job.

Homework - I am going to have to figure something out - SERIOUSLY!

Chores - I'm not the only one living here and not the only one with a full time job and yet I am the only one doing chores after and before work. What is with that? Or is it I find it easier and quicker to simply do the chores myself....

There is pressure from people who are pulling me this way and that. Why do they all want me to answer all the questions they have? Do I truly look that intelligent?

Maybe they are comments that sound like questions. After all, they weren't handed to me in writing ....hmmmm

I hoped sitting for a moment and writing would help me through this. Oftentimes it does. But this time it's not helping much.

I suppose part of it is because I have been up since 3:00 this morning due to worry so I am tired. Part of it is because I know there is SO much more left in this day to deal with and unfortunately, the unknown of how the rest of this day will unfold is what is really causing some stress.

A thought just entered my wandering mind...If I ever so politely asked my lovely and most friendly umbrella for a lift to the clouds, would it oblige me....