The ME Day

Today I decided, was going to be a ME day. I can't recall the last time I ever had a just for me kind of day but it felt right and seemed like the timing was good. What better way to spend a crisp and clear Autumn weekend. I guess with all the responsibilities I have and with my stress level being a bit high, I felt it was a need kind of thing. Even though I will mention here, a friend of mine said a little stress in life is good.

hmmm I thought, then dismissed the idea ~giggle

I left home at my own pace. Rather nice feeling it was. There were some 'have tos' to do but I accomplished them all and felt good about leaving home with everything clean and in it's proper order.

My first stop was a store I rarely shop in. When I head into town I go to one store only...yes - Walmart. When I go, it is usually a hurry up thing. I have to get someone's prescription or a quick as possible grocery shopping trip and then hurry home to whatever or whoever is waiting for my return.

However, today I browsed through the store I stopped at. I like that word...browsed. It was SO FUN. I found some things to buy that I needed and some stuff just for fun. As I left the store I could smell the most scrumptious aroma coming from Starbucks but I was headed for a long road trip and did not want to have to make stops for coffee issues further down the road.

I then thought of a store I had never been to. A ladies dress shop that I heard co-workers chat about and have gotten coupons from there tons of times but never had opportunity to go...until today. I did the browsing thing but when I picked up the first price tag and saw the amount I tenderly let it fall back into place for some other life time. Oh well, the clothes were amazing and it was fun dreaming for awhile.

On the road again. When I left home it was sunny. I even washed my car which was an experience in itself. As I held the hose up to rinse off the soap suds it felt symbolic somehow. A cleansing of sorts as I washed away my yesterday which was a draining day. However, in Chehalis it was pouring rain. bummer The sky was dark. I was amazed that the weather forecast might be incorrect...this day seemed so far, to be filled with giggle moments.

I needed gasoline and forgot to stop at the place I was familiar with. Hmmmm this me day is going to have to include buying gas from a place I have never been to …

...and so I drive down the freeway and search for an exit to get gas. I see one that looks simple enough but as I took the off ramp I begin to wonder as all I see is a long windy road with tall trees. I have all day so I continue on down the long and winding road and no, I did not hum the tune to that particular Beatles song. As I round the last bend, I view a HUGE gas station. As if it were calling to me! I turn on my blinker and drove in as if I had never had a concern at all as to where I was going.

Back on the freeway again and feeling wonderful as I listen to some great tunes from the By Jeeves Musical, and know that I am on my way!


Day 2


Funny but not so funny, today on a quest, I ended up...you know..kinda sorta lost. shhhh - and in Renton of all places.

Not long ago and not so far away in time, I was lost in Renton and found a bat had decided to befriend my car. I knew the bat had not befriended me because when I gazed at him from the rear view mirror I saw its teeth. I was certain it was not a toothy kind of smile thing. I thought about batty and wondered if he was still around the area and if he were, would he recognize my car. Not wanting to ponder that thought long, I moved on.

I am happy to report that after a moment of negative thinking - "I'll never be good at this driving thing," I decided making U-turns and NOT giving up worked best. I found I enjoyed the field trip in Renton, found the location and felt successful in many ways.


Day 3


I wake and see through the openings between the slats of the blinds, the sky is clear again today. I don't see any birds and wonder if they are out there somewhere, nestled in trees waiting for me.

There is a vapor rising from the space heater. I watch it for a time and recall the long, long hot summer road trips of my youth to Lousiana. There wasn't much to do during those hours while I sat semi squished between my two sisters in the back seat of our Pink Rambler. I remembered entertaining myself by watching for the same kind of image as the heat rose on the highway blacktop.


Fun memory from those trips and my dads far too in between fine moments was when on those endless barren stretches, he would speed up when a hill was approaching. On the decent, the Rambler would kinda sorta give us that fun tummy sensation like you get from a roller coaster ride.

We girls would go "oooooo" in harmony. Mom would turn her head and give us a smile. Dad I don't know about. He must of wanted to keep his emotions under control while he loved on us.

Meanwhile, missing the birds and wondering if they were waiting for me, I grabbed my robe and headed for the coffee pot, poured myself a cup and opened the sliding door and took my place on the porch.


Once again the full moon was there to greet me also. Two days in a row now, can't beat that! However, yesterday there was a layer of pink clouds that joined the moon at sunrise.

Yesterday was a busy day. I like busy. I don't enjoy overload, there is a difference.

The day ended in a gathering of old and new friends. Music was playing, people chatting, laughing and some were dancing. I have been moved by some songs to want to dance but, ehhh, not ready to go there yet. A princesses moves across a dance floor should be graceful as if she were floating. Me, being out of practice, I had a concern that my feet would not be following my brains commands.

At the end of the night there were the good byes. Even though I hardly knew some of these people, we had shared a few great moments. My heart was finding it to be a difficult process.

So as our time ended, I felt a peace as my eyes scanned the friendly faces and my heart was light.

...until we meet again.



more on my me trip tomorrow

Stampede of Thoughts

Why do people ask questions of others when they really don't seem to want to ask at all? Sometimes it seems they don't want to hear what you have to say, especially when it is not the answer they had in mind for you to respond with.

Do you then ignore them and their questions? Do you answer their questions with a question? And if so, what question should it be that you respond with?

Do you turn and walk away?

A stampede of thoughts meander through my brain today. I thought they were gone - the thoughts that put me back a step or two or three. They seem to find me when I am tired or feeling weary.

you too?
bummer

Thoughts that manipulate and I feel bound to at times. It is like they hide in the shadows waiting for my loneliest moments. Am I brave enough to fight them back - I wonder.

I am going to have to find the courage by myself. I know that now. I've got to find my way through this maze.

If I were....

five again, I would put a different nail polish on each finger then polka dots over that and feel like a princess.

I would hide under the covers when I heard lightening or had a bad dream and believe I was safe.

I would try on mom's shoes and model in front of the long mirror in her room wishing I could grow up faster.

Everything would be like a dream and reality would not exist.

If I were five again...I would live the joy of my fairy tale dreams, purity and innocence.

Kinda Sorta

I get kinda sorta annoyed sometimes at myself. At times I do so well, and find an escape from existing in survivor mode. Living with all that feels atrocious and those countless disappointments here and there, by being in the presence of a dear friend, feeling refuge from the storms in life, being in a place where troubled sleep vanishes, and yet, the pain and tears return to haunt me this morning, as if we had never parted company at all.

...and so it was, I sat on the porch and began counting pine cones that hung from the low lying tree branches, hoping that with each count - in a minute or two - the distraction will help my mind return to that peace and calmness I felt - only a minute ago.

Don't you feel like dancing now?

I know, well I think I know that you might be ever so surprised that I like rap. Not exactly true. I like Toby Mac. Just so happens he is a rap artist. I love his creativity in songs. I am very intrigued by the videos on YouTube of his songs. The one I wanted originally that was Feelin' So Fly, had the general public and the group dancing in groovy fashion to the song. But, restrictions would not allow me to copy and paste it here. So, if you are curious, go to YouTube yourself and type it in and check it out.

Lately I have been downloading a lot of musicals on my ipod. I have all of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals to listen to now. In the morning on the treadmill, I have been listening to songs from Sunset Boulevard. They are mostly fast moving songs so I pick up my pace and feel like I am really getting somewhere...silly I know but it makes the moment enjoyable.

Tulips

I live in Mossyrock. Well actually, I live on the outskirts of the city. I prefer the peace the country portion brings. Mossyrock - alpaca farms, tulip fields, blueberry and Christmas tree farms, and home town folks for the most part define the city of which I inhabit.




My drive to work takes me past the tulip fields. This morning they caught my eye. Rows and rows of assorted colored tulips. Shades of yellows, reds and purples. Each shade has their own row - yet together.

Just as life could be. Each of us standing tall and strong, side by side, appreciating our individual uniqueness - yet together.

My World Today

The door slams shut. Without looking up from her writing, she says, "The door MUST be left ajar."

Around me were other capable people and although we did not make eye contact, I knew she was talking to me. I walked over to the door and with purpose, opened it wide so the one who had just slammed the door, could see my presence.

I kept a straight face, my poker face they have dubbed it, made eye contact, then allowed him to be shielded from view by closing the door a bit but kept it ajar so he knew I cared and for his safety.

~~

...and so he rocks in the chair and raises his hand towards me. He tells me to look at it.

I walk close enough to view but kept a safe distance. I see the back of a pale hand that is covered in scars. I nod my head in acknowledgment.

Using language more fitting a bar conversation, and words I am unsure at his young age, he even knows the meaning of, he begins to tell me the story of his hand and his world. He says he wants to kill everyone in the world and mostly hates his family. They never listen, they only talk at him. They don't understand and always demand he said.

His rocking in the chair increased to a fast pace. Then, with a quick gesture, he raises up the back of his scarred hand in my direction again. I have a surge of fear rush through me but the compassion I have for this young man because of his deep pain, overtakes the fear and so I stand unshaken.

"I learned when I was little that if I cover my head with my shirt or coat, I can bite the top of my hand so no one knows or sees. When I do, the pain the kids and my parents bring me, keeps my teeth held there - in the skin of my hand. Then, I know I won't hurt them. I won't kill them like I want to."

All the while each sentence is filled with colorful language.
All the while I keep my poker face on.
All the while he was talking to me, he kept his eyes focused on the bookshelf in front of him, watching it as if a movie were being played there before him from such moments of his past as he described them each to me.

When he was done, he glanced up in my direction and lowered his hand to his lap. His rocking was back to a calmer pace. What I wanted to do was find a way to fight the world for him. The best weapons I had were prayer. I prayed silently for him, his world, his soul and selfishly for my safety and strength.I spoke out loud, the words that best suited the moment, keeping my place in his world where it needed to be.

~~

Every time she sees me, her steps quicken as she comes to enter my space. But I really don't mind. She has such a sweet spirit. She tells me the latest news of Lady Gaga, of which I recently did a Google search to figure out who this 'lady' was...hmmm.

She tells me what the singer is up to fashion wise, and always asks me what I think Lady Gaga is having for lunch today which brings a smile to my face. I always respond the same and say, "carrots and rice cakes of course". She accepts the response with a full body giggle.

She holds open her favorite magazine and points to the current fashions for women, who at my age, are merely girls, and asks would I like to wear that? Another hmmm enters my brain and with the thoughts of me wearing a tight, short skirt and a top that would reveal more wrinkles, folds, and parts of me that don't need to be exposed...but the tattoos on those ladies did cause me to pause in thought ...hmmmm I report to her, 'probably not', which she accepts and closes the magazine as we move on to the our next destination.

Once we arrive, she tilts her head on my arm, putting one hand on my back and tells me, "I like you." Apparently from her 'hug', she has a space of her own. I appreciate that about her.

It's like a daily game we play, her and I. I really don't mind it at all. In fact, I am certain my day would not be complete if she were not in it.

~~

His dad walks in the room and I observe the boys calculated walk to an area where he is hidden from view. His father hands me papers that he read and signed. He doesn't look like a happy or sad man, kinda sorta hard to read person. He seems calm enough but what is his son telling me in his body language?

I thank the father. He turns and walks the same path he came in on. As the door closes behind him, I walk to where the boy is hiding and look in his eyes and see pain but am unsure of what kind of pain he is holding inside. All the while, realizing the father not once greeted his son nor asked of his well being or how his son's day was going - and I wonder - and my heart hurts.

~~

I find her sitting with her head down at the desk. I ask if she is tired. She looks up and tells me yes and she is not sure if her mother will make it through the night.

Her mom has cancer and she, the lady at the desk, is a worrier. Always has been. She worries now that she won't be by her mom's side when she passes. She can't sleep. She can't function by day.

I try to comfort her. I try to help her through the moment but sometimes people only need to know you are there. I listen to my instincts and sit by her side, pick up a crossword puzzle and pencil.

~~

Along the day I discover, that some desks are not as heavy as they appear and can practically float across a room.

Along the day I discover, that attaching a chair to a desk with strong rope does not mean the chair is not mobile.

Along the day I discover, that sinks overflow and the some folks find splendor in watching the waterfall effect.

Along the day I discover, that munching on almonds calms my nerves.

~~

His long arms stiffen and rise in the air as he once again states, "I'm outta here."

It's a common phrase I hear from several in my world. Why is that I wonder. Could it be a part of their cultural language and I not being a part of their world, have not be given privy to this knowledge?

....and so I walk swiftly after them, as their long arms are a match for their long legs. Every step they take, I must take 2 or 3 to keep up.

Once again, I am engaging in P.E. without having to attend a class.

~~

At the end of the day, I get in my car and drive home. My routine much the same as if nothing has changed and yet so much has. Then it hits me, as it often times does. The part of my day I just lived through, is a portion of a pretty typical day lately and I know there are more hours in this day to come. I grieve. I hurt. I cry inside, which is sometimes hard as the compassion is so deep for those I just left that the crying turns to weeping and then I wonder why I can't separate myself from my work like others seem to.

Boss says we should do yoga at the end of each day. It makes me cringe at the meaninglessness of it but I do appreciate her thoughtfulness. I ask the others I work with how they leave the day behind and they just do. But how is that possible and why can't I? I want to find control over my feelings. I don't want to not care but I do want to survive in a way that a distance can be accomplished so when I go home, home and all that I must do and want to do there, can be done more efficiently. Does that make sense to you? But yet, I can't deny who I am.

Maybe it is my business, my purpose, to pray for these young people in my life, that they remain on my heart. Maybe it is my mission to leave them at the feet of Jesus and not keep carrying the heavy burden. But how to know....I wonder

These precious people who deal often daily with what they don't deserve - it's overwhelming to me and yet I mouth - Jesus, thank you for each one of them being placed in my life and on my heart. Bless them and their families. Fill me with your strength, your love, and let me see the world through your eyes and with your heart.