Something is always happening no matter where you are or who you are. But, when it or things happen, people don't always see it. Can you relate? At times it's hard to understand or accept it but.....

The Inner Scars

We sat side by side chatting about this and that, mostly about that.

He turned in my direction when he spoke. I looked back at him and for the first time in a very long time, I saw the scar on his forehead that seemed more prominent that it had.

Some scars are physical. I knew how he got the scar and the reminder of the incident, being on his forehead, would forever be a reminder to him. In his eyes I saw the inner scars and in his words and his voice at times, I could feel the inner scars from his life.

We share that in common, we both have inner scars which many people do. Scars that seem to leave an opening that never completely seals which leaves a person vulnerable in life.

I asked him to make me laugh. He did. He told me a funny story. I laughed and it felt good, kinda sorta like a release. I am not sure if he knows that his funny stories are like a healing balm...or does he

Lost

I knew him but I didn't. We were friends but we weren't. Does that make sense?

Who really knows a person...hmmm I wonder

He was a physically strong man, smart, nice looking, kind and caring. The kind of guy who was always looking out for others. In some cases, forgetting to care enough about himself.

Then one day a horrible tragedy occurred in his life. A moment in time he couldn't take back. Things he said and did during a moment in time that were so unlike him but then maybe that was in his character. After all, he had never been put in that circumstance before. How could he or anyone know how he would respond.

It was hard on him. The tragedy was rough. It affected not only him but many people in his world. He went back to work but I could see it in his eyes - he was not the same.

Days went by and he wandered through his work day as if he was on the outside of himself, prompting his body to move forward. He spoke little, as if there were no words left to say. Maybe in this new world that he was entering he had not yet figured out the language that he had to acquire nor the way to be as he was still not the man he was.

Therapy didn't seem to be of help. Friends advice were words that bounced around the room. No one understood or could relate to what he had experienced and yet they insisted he make changes, let it all go and be the old buddy they had before that tragic day.

He became angry - at the world and at himself. He mourned the day and questioned who he really was. Had he been sleeping all of those years that had passed and who was this person they wanted him to be.

Nothing made sense anymore.

I could see it in his eyes. He was not the same person. I saw a lost man in his eyes. I wondered if he would ever find his way back again. I wondered if he would ever find happiness, if his smile would ever return.

I don't recall how long it was, more than months but not longer than years until one day as he walked past me, I could sense something had changed in him. He had found answers to his questions, at least some of them. He smiled. His eyes were bright and cheerful. He seemed excited about what possibilities there were in his day.

I was happy for him and jealous at the same time.


and so it was.......just as he was beginning his new life, tragedy struck again. This time, tragedy took his life, along with the answers to my questions.

5 minutes

"Five minutes away." That was the text message I sent one of my sons to let him know I was almost to their house for a visit.

My stomach muscles were tight. I was anxious. I had been on spring break from school and in trying to conserve gas, as gas prices are WAY too high, I opted to make the 40 minute drive only twice instead of the 5 day trips to work then stopping to visit them in between jobs.

It was only a matter of moments before I arrived but during then, I thought about how we might spend our time together, I wondered if they were both up, if they had eaten and if they hadn't, what could I make for them, if we would play Yahtzee or a card game. Maybe they had a new puzzle we could work on together....

Finally the last corner to turn on. I pulled onto the gravel easement road. One hand was on the seat belt 'clicker'. As I pulled into the carport I could see out of the corner of my eye, the side door to the house open. Tears of joy welled in my eyes. I wiped them away, grabbed my keys, purse and cell phone then headed to the open arms of the biggest part of my life......

~~

Five minutes away....only this time it was in the opposite direction. I was heading back to my apartment. If only....but if only's are only wishes and wishes don't always come true. My stomach muscles were tight. I was anxious...

Out of all the parts of my life, being a mother is the TOPS.



One day I will be just like Elmer Fudd, owning a mansion and a yacht. My children and grandchildren will be with me.

Dreaming

I heard it said...."if you don't know where you are going, you might end up somewhere else."

I had not given that thought before. I have been kinda sorta moving through my days and kinda sorta sleeping through the nights, not really having a grasp, goal or focus where I am really going. It has been more like finding creative ways to exist in this part of the hundred acre woods with all the wolves, hoping a gentle creature from the woods will guide me. Are there any fairies out there.... :)

I gave those words thought as that is what I do to every word that is spoken to me. I determined that I have stayed in a holding pattern of survival for too long to where I am kinda sorta stuck.

It has been said to me that my dreams and wants are too big. Hmmm
Maybe those speaking the words think too small.

If per chance to dream....I will wait for a sign where to move on to. I would like to turn back the clock but in reality, that is not feasible. If I have time and a break available, which I am seeking to find, I will make my world new. One day...soon I hope....I will open my eyes to that brand new day. I will have renewed strength to greet the day and embrace all that comes and know it is heaven sent.

problems

Uh, I have two problems.

One: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

And two: I don't know who you are anymore.

I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.