Why Am I Doing This

It was as though I suddenly woke up from a dream. A dream filled with clouds now lifted. I moved from feeling no emotions at all - just going through the motions - to fear, anger and despair.

Why do I do this to myself. I knew it was no dream at all, here I am once again, sitting in this place filled with all that negative energy. Was it me or them, I was not sure but at that moment, it didn't matter.

Can't I slip back into that dream and find the esc button to click. If I could, I would. Then I would feel freedom. There was no escaping. I was here for the count, and counting I did....minutes as they dragged on.

The seats were comfortable enough. The sounds were not so bad. It was the people. The non acceptance I feel every time I enter this building. If I were willing to change who I was, then they would accept me. But I know what they really want is for me to be, think and feel just like them. Why can't I be me. Why can't I be loved and accepted just as I am. Isn't that the way Jesus would be, accepting me as I am. Conforming me, molding me into a likeness of Him and not the likeness of Jane, Liza and Susie.

I took a breath, clasped my hands and placed them ever so politely in my lap, keeping on the oh so interested face as I thought of all the places I go where I don't want to be and why I do this to myself. The opera. Hmmm I like musicals but not the opera. The doctor office. I don't like waiting. Holiday meals with estranged family. No likey. Those places are not so bad since it is for a short time. You can even find escape in most of those places. Bathrooms, magazines, journaling, or even an iPod can make for great escapes. But all the while, faking it. I wonder if faking falls into the category of survival.

I wonder what the others would think if they knew. Should I find then something to think on that would bring my mind to a more lovely place. If so, would I then not find myself enjoying where I am.

Whether the have to place is short term or a weekly or daily event, would I not be more wise to think on these more. Finally, brothers and sisters, keep your thoughts on whatever is right or deserves praise: things that are true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable, or commendable. Or, I could simply lift myself up to a more heavenly place, and gaze into the loving and gentle eyes of Jesus.