I'm In Love

Yes I know, you are surprised to hear that. So was I.

Just so happens that it isn't what you are thinking. Knowing me, being in love could be anything like a new mop or a cleaning product. I love to clean, truly I do and find it exciting when new cleaning products come out.

However, this is a new area for me. It involves music. I borrowed a few cd's from a friend. Neil Young is his name, the artist that is. I fell in love the moment I heard his unusual voice. What wonderful deep songs he writes and sings. I have listened to him non stop for a few days now. I do sleep and I do go to work but in between there, Neil and I are becoming friends, although it is one sided. giggle I think I am obsessed.

I like the way he views life. You can hear it through his songs. He sees life a lot like I do, kinda sorta. What I mean in that is he sees beauty in all things. He doesn't miss anything in the dawn or the sounds of the birds singing the announcement of another day. I wonder if he has a donkey and rooster in his neighborhood that he writes about also.



Ok, enough about Neil Young....

What Color

What color is a funny person? I ask because there must be some color that would describe me or at least, the recent me.

I think I will choose royal blue. Don't you think every princess should have at least one color to describe her with the word royal in it?

But then again, does a princess act funny? Perhaps most don't but this one does.

Here is what makes me believe I must be funny in a weird sort of way... I have at least 20 plus pairs of earrings. I must be totally honest and mention that I have one half pair also. I lost the other hoop but love the earrings so much I have held onto the one hoop in hopes one day the other will surface and all will be well again. The earring thing, I rarely change my earrings.

I have several necklaces but wear one.

I have one purse. I have had it for about 5 years. I love it. I get compliments on it often. I know where everything is even when it is overloaded.

The straps have been wearing out to the point where I felt certain one day as I walk into my favorite WalMart, the purse would fall from my grasp as I stroll through the parking lot. I kept saying that I needed a new purse but couldn't bare to toss the partner I have had for that many years. It has served me well.

However, the purse died. So...till death do us part and now I tote around a new purse. I was determined to not enjoy it as much as my old one as nothing could replace it. Truth is, I love it even more. I suppose I kinda sorta quickly got over the death of my last purse. There aren't purse police so I don't suppose I have broken any laws but I do feel badly all the same.

My new purse has pockets that zip so if I find myself once again, toting around more receipts than I need to or used napkins. The good news is I can cover up the mess with one swoop of the zipper.

I think the purse was made for me. I wonder how long it sat on the shelf waiting for me...

I told you, I am a funny weird sort of person.

Can't Help It

and so she said to me....well, you already know what she said.


I can't help it or at least I think I can't. I suppose truth is, I don't often try.

Are you wondering what I can't help?

PONDERING

and

Letting my mind and words 'Rambler' on.

After my friend made mention of my missing out on a portion of my past due to circumstances in my life that had kept me kinda sorta chained to my home, I thought of all the times I was asked to participate in events and girls out days over the years. All the trips I wanted to take to visit my mom and the mission trips I wanted to go on.

I worked up some saddness but got nuthin'.

I worked up some joy but got nuthin'.

My conclusion is God covered me during those times. Just as in my youth when hurts were everywhere and beyond comprehension and yet, the Lord shielded me. I believe His love covered those times from what was and what could have been until the day came when I was free.

I'm not cold or choosing to ignore what has been. I just don't feel I need to remember my hurts, even though there are days when they surface. The pain is not as deep as it could be and when I do feel it in those times, I am certain that God's plan is for me to use that pain to minister to others who are hurting just the same.

For now I am going to continue to focus on what will be, on my dreams and my tomorrows to come.

and so I shall

The Best and The Worst

...and so she said to me, "You must really struggle with all you have missed out on."



Hmmm

I hadn't thought in that way until she mentioned it. We were out shopping. Not to buy anything in particular, just girl shopping. I guess she is right. At the moment it was the best of times. In fact, lately it has been the best of the times of my life. I have a closer relationship with one of my sisters and plan to go visit one of my brothers, I have been shopping, out to lunch, out for coffee, spent time doing my favorite alone time things, had a food party in my new place and going for a pedicure next weekend.

So tis true, it was the best of times and yet, in its way, the worst of times as it is a fact that I have missed out on a lot. I won't look back though. I will keep my eyes focused on future adventures and keep the joy fresh in my heart rather than dwell on the missed out on moments. I won't look back in my journal to read days of my past when I was sad or feeling minus from what ifs.

I didn't know when I was blogging this, nor did you, but tomorrow is part two of this. Why is it lately I have had two and three parters....must have a lot to say or doing a lot of pondering...

I Don't Get It

After all these years, you are saying all the right things but at all the wrong times.


What took so long?


I wanted to hear all those things long ago.


It wasn't like I didn't let you know.

I did everything but shout.


Why the change?


Did it take a shock in your life to bring this new you?


Are you being promted...I wonder.





My conclusion-


It's too late.

You don't get it.

The Groundhog

I work with five and six year olds. Groundhog Day was coming up. Fact is, today is Groundhog Day...so, Happy Groundhog Day!

I wanted them to know what is was all about, perhaps expanding their world just as I am expanding mine. Although in a different sort of way, I am very aware of Groundhog Day. Hey! I watched the Bill Murray movie, I understand the whole deal surrounding Groundhog Day....giggle

...and so it was, I read them a story at their level on the groundhog. I gave them handouts to work on. I even had them make a groundhog puppet. At the end of our time together, I asked them once again to tell me what Groundhog Day was all about. They looked at me like deer in headlights and without mouthing a word I heard a chorus of 'whaaat'?

That is kinda sorta how it was for me the other morning. I shared with someone how I was feeling as I try to work through demands I have placed on myself. They gave advice. They offered suggestions. I adore the person who was having the conversation with me and appreciated all they had to offer and their time. However, the dreaded question came...'Does that make sense'?

They said it with a smile and I feel they were thinking...'ok, problem solved, case closed, now move on'.

I had to respond. It is the appropriate thing to do but my response was not going to be the one they wanted to hear or see. I don't think they saw the same look I saw on the childrens faces but I knew inside I kinda sorta had a deer in the headlight look on my face. I was mouthing 'whaaat' but didn't want to say it out loud.

Thing is, I do make lists of what needs to be done or at least what I think needs to be done to keep my life as organized as possible, making sure I meet expectations. When some people on my list keep making changes is when I run into trouble in my world. The funny thing about the whole conversation is the very person I was talking with was one of the ones who I feel, keeps changing my list.

Serenity will come. I will find a way to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself. I will work through my need for perfection and needing to please as I stated,they are my worst enemy. I will vision what I feel an ordinary day is where I can feel more carefree and keep that dream close to my heart. If I do, my desire is that it will become reality.

Part three tomorrow

Pressure

I close my eyes and try to imagine what it would be like to feel from the very depths of my being, exactly what serene is. What would I need to change, to do differently in order to feel more carefree...and so I ponder.

Was it too much at once - the freedom that entered my world.

I said I do best at baby steps. Somewhere along that road, leaps and bounds took over. Now, today, at least at this moment, I am suffering from those giant steps I took.

Dark, damp and cloudy morning is what I work up to. Last night I was so exhausted I did not have strength to lift dishes to place back in the cupboard. I fell asleep while working on the computer.

However, changes have entered my life for the better. Everyday has evolved more and more into all that I dreamed and visioned it could be. So what's my problem - what are the issues that are rocking my world.

...and so it is...I do as I too often do - I analyze.

What is an ordinary day for me now. I haven't taken time to figure that one out. Each day is so full to the overload zone. Each day is different, things keep changing and being added.

OK then -
I am where I want to be. That can be checked off the list.
My children are in my life which is important to me. That can be checked off the list.
Responsibilities -
hmmm -
over the top.

I place too much pressure on myself. Must be the Navy upbringing. Having to have my ships quarters just so. Perhaps perfection and needing to be a people pleaser are my enemy.

I haven't left myself any time to just sit and breath. Why do I place myself in these volcanic situations knowing an eruption of some kind will surface.

part two tomorrow