Bitter Sweet

A few weeks ago...

I was sitting in an office - everyone was pleasant to me. For that I was thankful. The reason I was there was not pleasant. Almost seemed ironic.

I was glad that I had legal help in filling out papers for my divorce, after 31 years of marriage. I felt sad, confused, weary at a bit of an angry, hurtful life.

I was sad for my children. I was weary from the years I spent fighting one battle after another for our marriage sake only to be told by my husband that if I would be more like him and ignore our situation, it will go away.

I never ignored anything that happened but did work hard to forgive. The pain never went away nor did it help.

I spent hours buffering between my children and their father. It didn't help much. When the words are spoken, no matter what you do, they are still out there.

I was confused because I believed marriage to be a happy ever after. But, I was wrong.

He is a bit angry, but what's new?
He is hurt - it shows in his anger which I believe to be a secondary emotion.
I am hurt because from what I have experienced over these several years and continue to endure - feeling that I have been shown that I am not worthy to be treated with respect.

So... I wonder why
So...I doubt myself to be a loving and caring person

I was glad that those people in the office were kind. It made the ugly task a bit easier.

It is a have to. I know that.

A few short hours before I showed up for my appointment, I sat with my legs up on a love seat and listened to my 14 year old tell me that his life is over at age 14.

He cried.

I asked him why he felt that way. He said he doesn't have a family anymore.

I was glad we could speak openly. In the past, I have kept my mouth closed tight and never allowed statements against their father to leave my lips. I was being respectful.

At that moment, I decided that my son needed to know more of where I was coming from. I wanted him to understand the reason - or at least some of the reasons why I am doing this.

As I let my words pour out, I noticed his demeanor change. He was calmer. It was a bonding moment. He told me he understands because he feels the same. He never knows when he is in trouble or going to be yelled at or not. He said he remembers how it was for me and feels he is taking my place in being nervous to live with his dad.

He said he is torn because it is still his dad and he loves him. I told him that is a good and normal thing.

He said he is tired of hearing I am sorry from his dad. He said he just wishes his dad wouldn't say or do what he does to begin with so the I am sorry doesn't have to happen.

I have found my voice finally.
I have found an inner strength I didn't know existed.

The downside is that I miss my sons. I have said that many times before in my posts but it weighs heavy on my heart.