The Class

Nope, the class I went to on Saturday morning was not on the beach. One of the ways I use to survive or endure uncomfortable situations or bad dreams is to think on what is good and lovely. Do you agree the above picture is a good and lovely place to pretend you might be?

I don't use the word C R A P. See, I can't even spell it without having issues. However, as I sat in the classroom, browsing through a handbook that I had been handed, that was the only word that came to mind.

It caused me to pause and wonder who I am and who I am becoming. Was I feeling so upset due to the circumstances that led me to the class or was there more to the emotion...

I suppose, attending the class has brought a huge reality to the front of my mind that appears I have blocked - until now - and settled heavy in my heart.

If allowed, at that moment, I would have cried a river. There was not even tissue in the box available to dry such a flood of tears so I held them in.

Allow me to help you as I make clear where I was. I was in downtown Centralia, Washington, in a beautiful building called the Washington Hall. The college classroom is room 105, not that it makes a difference to you however, I found that every detail of that morning was being logged in my brain and hearts journal. To my dismay, I was surrounded by 19 men. There were two women present in the class, one of them being moi'. :(

Men are a red flag for me. A deep seeded fear. A 'don't approach' area. Men are thoughtless, self-serving, cold and uncaring. Men toss out thoughtless words into the atmosphere in hopes of spreading pain to all who are in their space.

I realize that I am speaking for myself, and generalizing when perhaps that is unfair, but how I feel even so, due to past experiences. I do have hope that there are men out there in this world of ours, that are just like the character Tom Hanks portrays in Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail.

Mind you, I'm NOT looking for that one. Nor am I so naive that I believe in fairy tales.

I do have first hand knowledge of my brother in law, Mike. My sister in law and best friend is Patty. She lives in California. From time to time, I get to fly south and visit her. Picture this - she and I sat on the back porch in very comfy chairs, chatting away. Her comes hubby with a tray of morsels for us to indulge on. Each one had it's own toothpick. The tray was not gold or silver and music didn't resound when he made his appearance, but, what a wonderful, thoughtful gesture. It didn't stop there. We thanked him for the tray of food and somehow the lack of chocolate on the tray was mentioned. (Go figure!) He laughs but returns shortly with another tray made up of a couple of chocolate donuts he cut up bite size to appease our needs. :)

Back to the story...I sat in the chair up to the desk and felt my body starting to move into shut down mode - not a productive place for me. I was fighting my feet from rocking due to the stress of it all. It's bad enough, the reality of divorce but added to that was the overwhelming presence of MEN!

I wish there were a way out from this class but that wasn't so.

As I listened to the speakers, I was becoming angry. The class was called, Consider The Children. I have, all those years, considered the children, my children. In my opinion, all those years of raising our children, (my husband and me) I don't feel their father has given them consideration. I grew angry as I visioned him sitting in this same required class in two weeks at his appointed time, having doubts that he would hear the lessons and tools of parenting through divorce, that were being taught.

If I were a rich and famous...ok, not the famous part, I would gather my sons who remain at home, and move us into a mansion. The mansion would be a sanctuary decorated with joy, painted with love and each room filled with the comforting aroma of peace and security.

What can I do for my sons today?

What can I do to find healing for myself?

What IS the reality of what I am with and working through?

Can I use an analogy? I feel as though I have been living in a war zone of sorts. There came an escape route. I knew in my heart it was now or never so I made a move - to a duplex in Grand Mound, leaving behind other casualties. I did not have the tools to carry them. With little money, not even enough to support myself a whole month, I rented a room and kept faith that the Lord would continue to watch over my sons as he did when I left them in the care of their teachers at school. I believe my moving out and the timing, to be God's timing as my heart felt the kind of peace about my decision as only He can give.

However, even walking in God's plan does not mean the road will be paved smoothly. This is one of those walks. :(

Meanwhile, back to the classroom.

After class started and most eyes were focused on the speaker, I scanned the room with my eyes. What I thought was correct, too many men. Men of all ages and sizes, stumbling through divorce, and I am sure, each with their own story to tell of why there were there.

Would it be too much to ask to live in a world without men? But then, there are my four sons to consider. I think they are superb gentlemen and I love them so I guess the men-less world would have to include them.

It's been said that men and women are from different planets...Venus and Mars. Years of experience tells me that is a possibility.

Being there in the class, caused my mind to reflect on the past several years. Painful memories and hurt surfaced. I did what I could to maintain but even still, I had to wipe away a tear or two.

Despite a new life on the journey that lies ahead of me, I continue to grieve the loss of what was. Is that crazy talk? After all, I feel unqualified to understand what the norm is. Perhaps if I don a norm hat, the image will become more clear...

Tomorrow - a glimpse into life with mom via my vacation this summer.