So I write

I won't tell you what was on my mind last night when I went to bed but will give you this tad bit of view. From where I was laying I saw two night stars. One was centered in each portion of the windows. Neither were very bright so they must of had their eyes partially closed just like I did. I wondered if they were twin sisters, lonely and lost, up in the night sky searching for each other, and yet, there they were, within reach of each other and perhaps not being aware of it.



Isn't it just like that in life? We searched for a friend or mate and all along, they were right there by our side. Maybe we get too busy. Maybe we are blinding to them by the guide map we hold while pacing out the steps to find them like a giant X on a treasure map.



Or, we search for a product in the store until every possible aisle has been covered at least twice until we finally ask an employee only to have them point to the shelf right beside us. There it is, the item you searched for! humph Personally, I think it is some sort of master plan to keep me in the store longer, thus purchasing more items than were on my list.



Sometimes, as I write or speak, one subject appears to have nothing at all to do with another, and yet, it does somehow. So, considered yourself warned and proceed with caution.



With last nights work day on my mind, added to what was racing through my mind last night, I woke up thirsty, upset stomach and wanting to write. Just when I think I have my life and the people in my life figured out, I find I was wrong. Then I have to come up with a new conclusion, knowing all the while that the conclusion I come up with will someday also have to change. Right when I have people and circumstances figured out, they change. Or is it I who changes...



I have an important meeting today with one of my sons at an agency, that is going to help place him in a job. For that, I am thankful.



I will then be expected to take that son to lunch. The time I get to spend with him, one on one, I am thankful for.



Once I take him home, one of my other sons is expecting me to make blueberry muffins with him on this too hot day. The time I will get to spend with him in the kitchen I know will be priceless. For that, I am thankful.



My other son will be waiting for me to hand over a polo shirt I bought for him last night that is required for his new job. The fact that I have the tidbit of surplus cash to help him causes me to be thankful.



I love my sons, I love all my children but they are complicated to deal with at times.



I have a son in Texas who I get opportunities to chat with on the phone. The conversations are mostly one sided. Even when I speak he continues on with what he wants to say leaving me unsure if he heard any of my words at all but just the same, I am thankful for the opportunity to keep in touch.



I have a daughter who lives in Oregon that I am going to visit with this week. She is married and has two daughters of which I have only held and seen one. My daughter can drive me to crazy town but I love her just the same and am thankful she lives close enough to hopefully now, visit her often.



After the appointment this morning, the lunch date, muffin making and a visit with my sons, I will head home to prepare for work. The teen girls I work with also drag me into crazy town, or at least they make an attempt at it. However, I am thankful I have a job.



At this point I must mention a friend of mine who also can kinda sorta be complicated. At times they are mellow. I like mellow yellow...don't you? At times they are agitated in my opinion....I don't care to much for the color of agitation which must be a shade of red. Then there are the shades of purple and blues that describe their state of mind that causes to be a very pleasant person to be near. The short amount of time I spent with them yesterday was in all of those shades...how is that possible - people are complicated creatures.



My friend, my children, my mother, my current husband who I am in the midst of divorcing, my current co-workers, seem to have a pattern. Controlling - in varying degrees.



The wisdom of Plato - "Know thyself"



Seems simple enough don't you think, and yet it is a complicated process. I feel that I know who I am inside...I know myself, but I find myself continually changing who I appear to be on the surface in order to fit in or not show to the world that what they are doing or saying, has caused me to be anything other than OK with it all.



As I write those words I find the image of a chameleon enters my head. The chameleon changes color to fit into its environment for protection or perhaps to survive, and yet it doesn't change who it is. Read this description I found in Wikipedia of a chameleon- are a distinctive and highly specialized clade of lizards, some having the ability to change color. Does that make sense? Is that a process we all go through? I wonder...





Which I feel certain, will lead me to another blog post...



God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hmmm

"Good morning Starshine, the Earth says hello..."


Remember that Mamas and Papas hit? I am old enough to. It was the song that kept playing in my head when I got up this morning. Tis true, it was morning. Tis true, the Earth did say hello and welcomed me with bright, warm sunshine, and the sun actually being a star...well, you know where my brain is drifting.


I am sore.

I am ready for a day off.

This new job is really stretching my abilities.


I use muscles I care not to. :)


I sweat at work from the heat and the hard work, which I care not to...for your information, girls don't sweat, they glisten. :)


The sweating is great as I am surely loosing weight. The down side is my bangs are wet most of the day and my hair frizzes from the moisture so I head to the restroom every couple of hours to do my best with a comb, in repairing the frazzled hairdo - as to not interfere with the customers well-being and thoughts of wondering if I even brushed my hair that morning.


Ok, moving on - the greatest lack I have found this summer is




My work schedule is almost every day as they base my week on hours rather than days. I get to work, having little time in the morning to get things done at home that I want to and need to, head into the store and work like crazy, head to my car for my breaks, open the latest text messages on my phone, as there never less than 8, then answer them in the order they arrived. Text messages reminding me I am cared for, messages asking why the package I sent my son has not arrived, messages asking if I am working ...duh...



Some of them are tough to respond to. Actually, the tough part is not responding with 'figure it out'. But that would be rude so I don't.



I park my car in the store parking lot where there is a view of the Chehalis Airport. If I am lucky, an airplane or two will taxi down the runway then soar into the air as if in the hand of a giant child at play.

The picture is not so great as I took it with my cell phone while sitting in my car on a break attempting to find calmness while focusing on the tall grass in my view, that was blowing in a steady, soothing rhythm. I put a frame around it because I could if I wanted to since I was in charge. I like finding things in my day that I can be in charge of. :)

The good in that bad, as I always try to find the good in all things, is that I am thought of by many, hence the list of text messages. The down side is I find myself lacking quiet/me time other than the drive to and from work. In my car I turn up the volume on the radio to heights only a teenager would be listening to, plug in a cassette and sing along with Rupert Holmes..."Riding on a midnight bus, and through the window, I read the sign posts, like pages in a story book

Rupert seems to enjoy my company as much as I enjoy his. He does not mind my singing voice. At least he has not motioned for me to ZIP IT!

So here I go again, day 5 of an 8 day straight work week. I finally had time to post some, now on to the shower, on with the all black, boring clothes, put my hair up into a pony tail with a black hair tie of course, then into my car and head to work.

I am determined to find joy, calmness/peace and contentment in this long 8 hour of work.

I wanna

...wake up and enjoy the mornings the way I use to. I don't enjoy waking up with worry and concerns on my mind. I prefer to wake up with a song in my head and find calmness and joy in my heart.

I wanna feel more bliss as each new day begins, kinda sorta the way I think the donkey next door must feel and the birds that sweetly sing the morning into being. The sunrise smiles on each new day, bringing hope and comforting warmth, I wonder where my hope has gone and when will I feel soothing warmth instead of the random hot flashes that bring me no joy at all.

I wanna know why there is pain in just being. Why are there so many partings and goodbyes.

I wanna know why I can't hear the Earth's silent turning.

I wanna know where to find wonders that surely exist in the midst of my recent struggles.

I wanna know if I am who I am, simply because I am.

I wanna know where you are, where are we, and where are we going.

I wanna know if you are happy or afraid.

I wanna know if there are intimate rainbows between beings. If eyes and hearts can really speak. Is personal knowledge born of hands, and how is it that hands can speak, as I believe they do, in ways that words cannot say.

I wanna know if it is true what they say...."to know is to care."

A Story

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little girl who spent most of her days on a grassy hill, near her home, dreaming of what ifs. After all, she thought, the world was filled with possibilities...wasn't it?

She was one of the youngest in her family, having two older sisters, an older brother and a younger brother that she adored. Bring the baby sister, she was teased by her older sisters and ignored by her older brother. Teasing, being the norm in most families between siblings, and yet she felt unloved and at times, invisible. Deep inside, she knew this wasn't the way life could be.

Someday when she grew to be a woman and the time was right, she thought to herself, life would be wonderful and her dream to become a mother would be realized. She was certain she would be a perfect mother. Her children would sit beside her on the couch in the evening as she read books to them. They would have picnics in the park, take walks and love all that life brought their way. Her children would not do as she was now, and spend lonely days dreaming of what ifs. They would live in a gracious, lovely home where she would tend to the flower beds and trim the hedges that lined the wide walkway to their front porch. Her children would play in the yard. Sounds of laughter and joy would fill their world and rise to the sky, pleasing the heavens, causing the sun, moon and stars to dance. Inside the home would be the fragrance of sweet, fresh picked flowers and the aroma of cherry potpourri, just as if you had walked into a wild flower garden.

Through the blessings that God allows, she survived her childhood and as an adult, she had five children of her own. She loved each one and treasured the life that she had because of them.

The day came when her life, her heart and the moon seemed to suddenly stop. In truth, nothing had ceased to be other than the childhood dreams she had once upon a time made, as she pondered what ifs on that grassy hill. The life she was living was changing as if it were pages of a story book that someone had decided needed to be edited to their liking.

The lonely little girl who had grown to be a woman, decided the time had come when she must remove herself from the life she was living. A life that felt like a slow walk through a dark tunnel that was leading her to an edge where she would surely fall into cascading waters below.

And so it was, the moon that had faded away behind a cloud, reappeared. The evening sky became full of uncountable stars that lit the way for her new life. The cascading waters turned to a placid surface. She could dream again and find comfort in her life while making new memories with her children. It was as if Christmas morning had finally arrived as she sat in the midst of her children, each being filled with the thrill of expectations, no longer having to stave off the opening of the presents that lay before them and remain there as long as they desired.

DID YOU KNOW

there is no fool like an old fool

~

when i told my son in Texas to expect a package

his response, "is it Anthrax?"

~

some 5 a.m. skies

are left over from the day before

you can make a wish on any star at night

its all the same

~

some days everyone moves

in slow motion

~

i've lived most of my life fulfilling

everyone else's joy

forgetting my portion

i wonder if i'll survive my life

with the lack of skills i have

~

my #1 son informed me that i must belong to a guild of spies

in order to survive life

hmmm

~

i believe its a man's nature to have bouts of anger

and a woman's to endure and accept

i'm not really a princess

~

life is a constant disappointment

~

that glory of morning is not pleasurable

when the one you are in the company with

does not appreciate it as you do

simply wearing all black does not allow you to possess ninja powers

~

it hurts when others try to remold you into someone you are not

~

the donkey neighbor of mine likes me

he goes Hee Haw

(which is his polite way of saying hello)

when i come home

which always makes me smile

you can't change people

who don't want to change

some don't know how

~

it can be a difficult task

when attempting to exsist with someone

who is so unlike you

~

i keep my heart undercover

it feels safer that way

sometimes when i talk

it seems no one is really listening to my words

~

hearts can break

when dreams slip away

~

i'm still pondering a tattoo

(Patty, does that smart a new interest?)

sometimes this world is more than i can take

~

you can slip away and yet remain

isn't that odd?

~

a wish of mine is to dance through life wearing ballet slippers

love mends a broken heart with more than just a bandaid

The Day After

Yes, Friday was quite the day for me in my neck of the woods. Then came Saturday...

I needed some alone time. It refreshes me, making me a better person - I hope.

The past couple of weeks, negative emotions have been building inside. Old patterns are returning to my world, heart and mind. Mostly because I keep my thoughts bottled up, seems I exist in a more survivable mode that way.

I got in my burgundy car - I love my car - headed for the freeway, clicked on the cruise control....at last, I am in charge of something. I would have clicked on auto pilot for Mossyrock but knew that was crazy talk.

I felt free. I felt peace. I suppose driving alone with no pressures, no expectations to live up to, other than my own, felt grand.

The 40 minute drive gave me time to think and breathe. I looked forward to seeing my sons. Since school let out in June, I haven't seen them as often. My summer job is near my home and keeps me busy so taking the long drive to Mossyrock has been a bit of a chore.

My children, all five of them, are my life. They fill me up with a special kind of love. They accept me as I am which is really rather amazing.

Each time I'm with my sons, I feel their unconditional love.The bond we have built over the years, grows stronger with each passing day, as if nothing could separate us.

My youngest son, who is 14, told me on Saturday that he was glad I came. He said, "You must of known that I needed you. I needed to feel glad. You make me glad."

Ahh, child birth was worth the pain.

More tomorrow on Saturday...as there is always more...

More on Friday

After Friday mornings issues, I decided to analyze my frustration factor.

It lead me to where I am now - sitting in a car outside a cafe about 3 miles from my house - in a waiting mode for a friend.

I guess I didn't get very far in working through my issues and moving on.

I have time to think and write. That's a good thing. :)

As I think on things of this morning, I make a mental note of responsibilities I need to tend to - alone.

I have several friends. Friends of all kinds, for all occasions.

I don't have a friend presently, to brain storm with on some of my tasks that need tending to. Why - because I don't have a friend nearby on my list that could relate to some of the things I must do.

So, I feel lost. I feel lonely.

Growing up when you are already a grown up is tough for me.

I wish my sister in law Patty lived closer. I know she would do great brain storming with me and could for sure relate to what I have to say.

Yes, Friday was a long day for me. I had errands to run in the morning, little time to relax once I got home before leaving for work. A funny thing but not so funny for this area of the world, happened at work yesterday. I work with more staff than I can count. Most are recent high school graduates which is really quite entertaining and frustrating at the same time. One gal, a co-worker, and I had a short chat yesterday. Turns out her step brother is one of my sons best friends in school and our neighbor. Her grandmother was my Avon lady when I was into that kind of thing.

So, when I got off work, I met with a friend. They asked how work went. I was excited to share the news with them. I began telling them and then suddenly was interrupted by news they wanted to share. I stopped my sentence and listened. I thought when when my friend was done with their news, they would ask me to pick up where I left off.

didn't happen

I thought about continuing but at that point, I no longer had the excitment and joy. I thought about letting them know that they interrupt me a lot but had no words I thought would share how I felt without hurting their feelings.

hmmm

Life has its ups and downs
Maybe I should take a class on how to speak up for myself in whisper form so I don't feel so bad when I say something. Most of the time I prefer to take it as it comes and deal with it rather than speaking out and up for myself. Seems to be a better way to survive this world.

Friday

Friday, July 16

I am really upset with myself this morning.

Friday use to begin with a song that serenaded in my head...Friday, Friday, Friday is my favorite day. It is a song most of the staff sing, as we stroll the halls at work. This Friday I am not in that frame of mind..bummer

Summer use to be a vacation time for me. A time to spend meaningful moments with my precious sons.

This summer is different. I am entering the world of divorce. Didn't see that one coming. I am midway through the waiting period. Ironic how I have spent a majority of my life in the stage of waiting ... for this or that. This summer I have added a second job to my list of responsibilities which keeps me more busy than I would prefer.

The computer is running slow. What can I expect for dial up?

I am upset with myself because I am feeling frustrated and acting out by tossing items that are in my way, that I could lay safely down and upset with the computer.

The mascara clumped up on my lashes as I did my morning ritual attempting a princess face. It is an old tube that needs to be replaced but my funds keep me from the purchase - at this moment in my life.

I am upset with myself, the computer and the tube of mascara.

I kinda sorta - at the present - live out of bags and my car as I share a duplex with a friend who has a houseload of boxes and furniture that take up most of the space which is understandable but leaves me little room for my little bit of things. The bag that holds my brushes, hair dryer and all those supplies I require to be decent, before leaving the house, fell over just as I pulled it from under the bathroom sink, spilling most of my things on the floor. Grrrrr I quickly picked up each item and tossed them with anger back into the bag, not caring if it was organized or not which will for certain, cause me some frustration later in the day but for now, it worked for me.

I am upset with myself, the computer, the tube of mascara and my bag of 'tricks'.

...and so the inquiry came...

"You seem in a frustrated mood this morning."

I made an attempt to explain but had too long of a list to state the full tale but then again, I am unsure what is truly bothering me, deep down inside.

I am aware that my frustration does not lay with the computer, mascara or bag of tricks. I am sure those are secondary to what is really bothering me. I don't think I want to ponder my issues at this moment for fear I won't have enough tissue to deal with them and that would lead me to add a tissue box to my lists of upsets.

I am upset with myself, the computer, the tube of clumpy mascara, my bag of tricks and the lack of tissue boxes.

Depression causes me to refrain from eating. Anxiousness draws me to comfort food or for that matter, any food in eye shot to be stuffed into my mouth and sometimes, swallowed without much chewing. hmmm not healthy. Now, feeling anxious for what, I don't know, I have an urge to eat and the first thing that comes to mind is a piece of toast. However, being in the frame of mind I am, a loaf of bread toasted and then smothered in one or two cubes of butter is what my mouth is savoring the idea of. I refrain only because the vision of the scales tomorrow morning readying OBESE keeps flashing in my mind.

I am upset with myself, the computer, the tube of clumpy mascara, my bag of tricks, the lack of tissue boxes and my urge for a loaf of bread...toasted up and smothered in a pound of fresh Darigold butter.

Here I thought life and relationships were complicated when actually, I am the complicated one.

Ah, but I feel better expressing how I feel in silent words, being able to write them down without making a statement out loud, which might interfere with the well being of others who don't really want to hear my rambling ponderings of my morning.

Yes, Friday was a long day. It went from ok to better then back again to how I felt in the morning...more on that tomorrow.

The Best

I know

your intentions

are in my best interest

for a sound well-being



But

sometimes

that caring person

that you are

goes away



I wonder

where it is

that you hide



or



Could it be

that it is

I

who goes away

and hides

Engage

"You want me to engage in this 'out of my comfort zone', 'out of the blue' conversation'?"

...or at least it felt like an invitation to me


But, I won't.
But, I can't.


...and so it was , I wore a fake grin, the one I felt you wanted me to put on. I made idle chat with you, to help my brain change gears - my heart couldn't bare more - at that moment.

When you engage in war, someone wins, someone loses.

I lost

kinda sorta feels like it is my destiny at this point

Just because you put one foot in front of the other, that does not mean the pattern will continue. Sometimes I find I have taken steps back to where I began and make the trek over again. All the while, thinking that I am on course...bummer when that happens.

Yesterday morning my walk led me to feel hopeless to the point of kinda sorta giving up. I grow weary of the battle to survive some days to the point where I lack words, thought and energy to keep moving on whatever path is before me.

Can you relate?

That was how the morning began.

I woke to bad news. No one died. No one was hurt. More of a financial woe. Starting over again in life kinda sorta on your own, is not an easy task...for me, at least that is what I am discovering.

None the less, I had tasks to complete, responsibilities to tend to. It was then, on the freeway in route to one of the top priority tasks, where I found myself in a conversation...more of less one sided...with my Adoni. The good in that was most of the talking was on His part rather than mine...always a plus.

I was sitting very still, viewing out the window at nothing in particular, I suppose it was the only escape I could find at the moment. My eyes were drawn upward to the view of clouds that filled the same sky that was so clear and blue the day before. I wondered why the clouds had to take over. I wondered why it could not be a starry night so I could make a wish or two.

No sooner had that thought entered my mind when I heard a powerful voice speaking to my heart.

"You don't need the stars to wish on. They are My nightly gift to you, a reminder that I am here. You aren't alone, forgotten or unloved. I am asking you to trust Me, to stand tall and press on without looking back. You aren't returning to where you were, even though it might feel that way some days. When you feel you are too weak to carry on, I will be your strength. Keep your eyes on Me."

...and so it was, on the freeway midway between Grand Mound and Olympia, where I met with the Lord. Who knew?

Not all of my courage returned and I did not feel I had answers or any great wisdom that would help me. However, I did feel a calmness that I so needed.

Sometimes when I am troubled I try to analyze, I think too much. I journal my thoughts and read them over and over again. I go around and around in circles much like my neighbors cat does when trying to find the best position to lay in. It is in those times when I strive to slow myself down. I use tricks...you too? The best one I know is to vision the conversation between Vinny and Milo in the movie Atlantis, The Lost Empire.

Vinny: You didn't just drink that did you?!

Milo: Mm-hmmm.

Vinny: That's not good! That's nitroglycerin!

Vinny: Don't move, don't breathe, don't do anything. Except pray, maybe...

It always brings an inner giggle. The conversation above between Milo and Vinny was a joke on Milo. In the movie, Vinny was great at playing jokes on Milo who was so innocent, he always believed everything Vinny told him. It reminds me to stop moving so much in my thinking and circles I make...going round and round. Praying is always a must...the breathing part....is always a must.

The day - it got better. The evening - hmmm, not so good. The good news is, evening comes and with that I know at some point, rest and then there is the morning. I love mornings. Things always seem brighter with the new sunrise. My neighbor donkey thinks so too As I bring this post to an end, I can hear the donkey singing praises to the new day.

Blessings

How I Wish

Ah, excuse me, but I noticed you're getting a bit...cranky.

Thank you for alerting me.

You are SO welcome.

the end

Oh, how I wish it were that simple. Maybe if I wished on more than one star per night...

Curtis

I have a new friend. His name is Curtis. He is kinda sorta pushy though, kinda sorta controlling.

I have a lot of controlling people in my life so one more is nothing new.

He tells me he will sing me songs but when I make a request, he is silent.

He tells me he will read a book to me but when I make a request, he is silent.

When I tell him where I want to go and ask for directions, he barks out where to turn and when I am almost to my destination, as I knew where I was going to begin with but felt it courteous to ask for help, he tells me to make a U-turn. When I don't, he repeats it with more volume in his voice.

Curtis is my new GPS I got from my sister for my birthday. I am able to navigate from place to place but he seems to give me wrong directions. He won't let me put in my home address, stating there is no such place. go figure! So then, if there is no such place, where do I live? Should I have put in that I live on another planet and then MAYBE, Curtis would have recognized my home address?

As far as singing to me, I have the capability of downloading songs and e-books on the Curtis. I did not know I had to download them so when I clicked on the link to open songs, there was nothing there....:( I am able to download e-books to listen to while I drive but again, there was nothing listed. Guess I have to do it myself.

So the task I have given myself is to download music and e-books to the Curtis so next time I am taking the long drive to Mossyrock to visit my sons, I can have Curtis read a book to me.

I won't be chatting wall to wall with Curtis on Facebook. I won't be sending Curtis text messages, but I enjoy my new found friend.

A Day

Stuff



That is what you get to hear about today, stuff happening in my life.



I don't like and I do like my part time job. I miss the staff from my full time job but know that in a couple of more months I will be back with them again. Friendly faces carrying lattes while escorting children down the halls will bring me joy. Invites to get a manicure or go for ice cream on the weekend will be the conversations during break time. Students will share with me how they filled their days during summer break.



I am finally fitting in at my part time job. Co-workers are sharing jokes with me and inviting me to join them in conversations. Most of them are new high school graduates. I suppose that is why we don't have a lot in common. I am the newbie and they might think because I am a wee bit older than they are that we can't relate. I suppose it just took time for each of us to get to know one another.



Backing up - in June I flew south to visit my mom, sister and sister in law. My sister in law is too funny. I enjoy her friendship like no other. We seem to understand each other and to me, that is a rare find. So, I did have guilt but didn't have guilt as I went through this process --



We both decided to begin a more aggressive attitude towards exercise. We both struggle with weight...go figure! I have rolls of skin I can hide quite nicely in winter with sweat shirts and baggy sweaters. Summer wear reveals more of 'me' than I care to share. bummer



I like sleeveless blouses but my upper arms have grown some kind of foreign matter that flaps in the wind each time I lift my arm to give directions or wave hello to anyone. major bummer



So, she tells me about lifting weights and hands me a stack that was 4 feet high...just kidding...of VHS exercise tapes. A couple of them have a work out routine using weights to buff up your upper arm foreign matter...giggle



I would prefer to send the rolls of skin and flabby upper arm skin back to the planet they came from but it seems I am stuck with the whole package.



I accepted the advice and a few videos. I carefully packed them in my suitcase. Once home, back in Washington, I took them out of my bag, read more on the back of the cover what all the tapes could do for me. I placed them under the TV stand so I could get started right away. I put weights on my list of things to purchase on my next payday.



hmmm



I week or two went by and the tapes still sat on the rug under the TV. I had not even slid them into the VCR to check them out. shhh, don't tell Patty. However, one day I got motivated. Are you as excited as I am?



I searched the house and found the cutest little basket. I waltzed...because a princess waltzes when she moves from room to room, at least that is the word on the street :), into the living room, picked up the exercise videos and placed them in the basket and set them back under the TV stand.



...and so it is, that is up until now, the extent of my new exercise routine. I figure the waltzing and lifting was a great first start. Don't you agree? I wouldn't want to overdo....



Backing up again but more to a present date. Thursday night I got home from work. I had a good day. The first one since I got hired on at a local department store. I have had a hard time fitting in as most of the employees are young girls fresh from high school. I remembered advice from my older sister when I was a teenager telling me not to trust anyone over 30. hmmm Seemed like sound advice at the time but as I aged past 30 I often wondered how she came up with that philosophy. Perhaps that is the same tad bit of misinformation those girls were given.



It felt great earning their respect, sharing a laugh or two and working as a team off and on during my evening shift.



The work day was finally over. It was 94 degrees that day. The store was not as hot as I had expected it to be. I got the work done that needed to be done which was the first time since working there that I was able to accomplish that task. I clocked out on time which was a good thing as I had been running late in trying to get my work done and clocking out a few minutes past my appointed time which lead me to a bit of a scolding. Seems corporate insists you clock in and out with one minute or two at the most, of your scheduled hour.



The ride home I had all the windows down. I did not care if my hair got messy. I was going home. The cool air felt great. As I took the off ramp from the freeway and headed down the street that leads to home, I pulled to a stop at the red light. Seemed the appropriate thing to do :) It gave me a moment to view the sky. In my view was a pink sky. I was pleased. It made me smile. I sent a text to a friend so they could share in the same joy, just in case they did not already know how lovely the evening sky was.



I took a giant gulp from my water bottle and thought I would gag. The once cold water was hot enough for coffee. It did not quench my thirst at all. How rude!



When I got home I got a cold drink, chatted with a friend, watched a video on the Chehalis flood from 2007 then made my way to the back porch around 11 pm. I sat in my Coleman camp chair which is as close to camping as this girl is going to get. I checked out the sky. It was filled with more stars than I knew existed.



What a wonderful way to end a pretty great day. I know you are bright enough to figure out that the picture below is not the sky I viewed last night but Van Gogh must of viewed kinda sorta the same night sky that I did last night. At least we have that in common...giggle




So, there you have it, 'my stuff' that I wanted to share. Thanks for stopping by today. Enjoy your day.

WHY

It must be true that when we get older, we kinda sorta become child like and our children end up in the parent role.

Why would I even suggest that? Because I ask why ALL the time.

When my kids were little, why was a constant word. Not wanting to be my mom, I would not respond with, 'because I said so, that's why'. I gave long answers in hopes my children would become clear on the why or so bored from my long talk that they would not ask why again. :)

It didn't happen

~back to the point:



As To My Current Question In Regards To My Life And - Why Things Are The Way They Are -

Truthfully I don't know
It is what it is
I am who I am


It's ok, sometimes I don't like the me either that I become in some situations - so I understand ho you may be feeling.

Meds - they help my anxiousness and depression - but never soon enough, never quite in the appropriate time.

Just like with many things, once its out there - IT'S OUT THERE!

"Do as you will."
I don't will myself to be that way. If so, if I had more control of myself, I would be a self-controlled, calm, beautiful princess.

"Do what you must."
Again, I do what I do without my consent kinda sorta. What I know I must do is get professional help cause what I am doing now 'ain't helpin'.

Both Ways

Example #1

The saying goes, "you can't have it both ways".

I disagree

I like pets, however, time to care for one or two and finances, keep me from owning a pet.

Frankly, I miss my Molly. She was the cutest little doggie I ever had. Doggie, because she was teeny weeny. She could fit in my purse. Long white hair that curled over her big loving eyes.....but that's another story.

Can I have it both ways? Sure I can!

I kinda sorta have 2 cats. I don't know there names but am contemplating that process. They both belong to my neighbor. When I first moved in 7 months ago, they scattered from my back porch when I opened the door to say hello. About a month ago, one of the two female cats wandered in my place, making her way from bedroom to bedroom, down the hall then shot out the front door as if she finally realized she was in the wrong home. Cute as can be and it made me smile.

Now she stands on the top of the stairs staring in the screen door as if asking me if she can come in...and play. :)

The other cat adores the patio table on the back porch. One day I noticed the table was knocked over. Poor cat, she must of jumped too quickly off the table, causing it to knock over.

I could ramble on about my life with the cats but I will get to the point.

Yes, I get cat hair on my clothes.

Yes, I have the blessing of unconditional love, as pets offer that.

No, I don't have to feed them.

No, I don't have to find a pet sitter while I am away or clean a litter box.

So you see, in my opinion, you CAN have it both ways.

~

Example #2

Endless nights

So, do tell, what came into your memory bank - a positive or negative image?

Me - an endless night memory or two of pleasant ponderings rambled through my head and touched my heart. Memories can do that you know. Ever have one of the nights you hoped could last forever?

The downer to that is, endless nights can go both ways. The rule does not follow then of the inability of having it both ways.

Unfortunately, I recall more negative, fearful, lonely endless nights. Nights I thought would never end.

How about you?

Care to share?

More

Rarely do I post twice on one day but today feels different.
Ready or not....below is part two of part one.
Only thing is, neither you nor I knew that one writing would lead to another...isn't that just the way the world goes sometimes? I can't put my finger on it, but somehow I felt that what is stirring in my heart relates to the Egg post. I knew when I woke up this morning on the couch that I just might have a more productive day if I can put my words in print. I know..you might be thinking crazy talk but it works for me.

Last Night

There is is -
Do you hear it?

There it is -
Do you see it?

Don't burden yourself with wondering what 'it' is. Keep reading instead, if you have the time.

The end of another day has come. I don't know what day it is other than a day off from work. I watched a movie while painting my toe nails. It's quite a process for me. I yet have figured out how to configure my legs, feet and hands to get my toenails close enough to paint them rather than my toes! I think I spend most of the time with Q-tips smothered in nail polish remover getting rid of the polish that I somehow applied to my toes.

Which explains why I only do this process once a month or go to visit my local manicurist and allow her the pleasure.

Are you with me on that one?

The movie ended. I looked out the living room window and decided it was late enough to head to bed. After all, the sun had gone down. I turned off the TV grabbed my coffee cup and as I walked it into the kitchen, swallowed down the last drop, which by that time, was rather cold.

I rinsed out the few dishes that were in the sink, calling it good and made my way to my bedroom. I didn't turn the light on. The moon gave me enough light to find my way to the window. That is my favorite night place to be. That is when and where the stars and I have a one sided night time conversation. I heard a train passing along the tracks not far down the road. I opened the window to hear what other night sounds were waiting for me. It could of been neighbors chatting or dogs barking but all I could hear were vehicles making their way along the highway a mile from the place I call home.

That wasn't enough for me so I took a gander at the sky, hoping to see a star or two dance for me. I felt empty as I looked out the window, unable to find one star. I wondered where they were. I missed them last night. I pondered sending a good night message to the stars via the clouds that hid them from my view but was uncertain if they would deliver the message much like one of my sons who can even write down a phone message and yet still, not deliver it. hmmm seems those pieces of paper float away or is it they disintegrate...I suppose his excuse would have something to do with the latest movie he watched...once I think he mentioned Iron Man in his excuse...silly boy

I felt lonely. Sometimes I just do for no particular reason at all.

I left the window open and crawled in my bed. The covers gave me no comfort.
I pulled back the covers, made my way to find my note pad and pen and began to write. Writing for me, is the one thing that fills my needs in a way that nothing else can. It helps me put my emotions into words, kinda sorta sort through things and rid myself of what I might be wrestling with.

Is that something you can relate to?

I did some writing, saw the time on the clock and figured it was time to lay my head down, close my eyes and hope rest would find me.

~~~

It is morning now. Turns out the stars that I waited for last night showed up AFTER I gave up standing at the window. Do you suppose the clouds were keeping them from me on purpose? Maybe they kept the cloud covering over the stars so I would give them equal time in appreciation. Tis true, I adore star gazing.

At this moment, I am on the couch, which is where I ended up sleeping after being unable to find rest last night. The sun is up. The birds are making ready for a new summer's day. It's 5:57 a.m., my coffee cup is once again filled with hot coffee. The curtains are opened but the tall trees are blocking my view of the sky which I am certain is dotted with clouds this morning. I had decided last night that today I would do some cloud watching. However, as I have discovered the trees are blocking my view, I wonder if they too are making a statement, wanting equal time in my day.

...and so it is, I wonder if I will ever be capable of making anyone or anything happy

why is it that I place myself at the bottom of the 'make happy' list

will I wrestle with myself all my life

Eggs

I like eggs -

hard boiled

warm deviled egg and avocado sandwiches

quiche - major yummy!

scrambled - don't forget the salsa

Egg shells -

you can dye them anytime, not just on Easter

empty shells make a cool sound

Egg shell walking -

I don't like it

So, why do I continue with that pattern?

I'm experienced at it

I have gotten to be rather good at it

It's what I seem to do best

I haven't figured out that fine line of speaking up AND out for myself without seeming to me, to be rude.

...and so it is, I often walk on egg shells

HELP!

Comment

Dear Sunnycalgirl

I value your input ie. comments on my posts.

Too bad you didn't live closer.

We could 'do coffee' one day.

Signals

i've been sending you signals

i've been giving you signs

~

i didn't receive the signals in the way you sent them

i was unable to read the signs

~

perhaps if the signals had been sent in some sort of code via night stars

they twinkle on and off, kinda sorta giving me signs and signals of their own, of which i am very fond of receiving

~

i wonder if we will ever be on the same page

i wonder if i too send you signals and signs that you might misread

i wonder if you wonder what i am wondering....

~

and then there are the clouds-

i googled for a picture of clouds and printed in the 'non-word' ckloud

google understood

google said, 'did you mean cloud'

google didn't even use a question mark

that is how clear they were on what i was wanting/talking about

why can't relationships be the same

why is it people don't or can't be more clear on things that are said

having less misunderstandings

~

but that isn't so

clouds - why

i view clouds in this way

(perhaps the same way you do)

they are almost always moving

continually forming new shapes

some, dark in color, kinda sorta appearing menacing

others, white as snow

wispy, inviting, alluring,

without touching them

i can almost feel their softness

~

relationships

stars with twinkling signals

clouds changing form

hmmm

it's all very complicated - to me

~

THE END

Happy Fourth of July

Princess

Hmmm I wonder if I obsess about being a princess.

Oh well, enough wondering...

I have a second part time job at a department store. The other day I was moved from clothing to the toys, lawn and garden departments so I can get to know the whole store.

Yippee! I can be among plants. I like plants, they always seem happy.

Yippee! No more picking up clothing parents have allowed their children to pull off the hangers - or did they.

As I straightened shelves in the toy department, I came across the little princess section.

Ooooo...princess shoes with foo foo. How lovely they were.

Ooooo...princess crowns with assorted colored gems. My how they sparkled.

Ooooo...princess clothing, some with pink, some with purple fluffy fur. Just the right colors and softness that I adore.

None of which mattered as I do not wear a child's size.

sigh

As I moved my way to other shelves that required my attention, my mind drifted back to the princess attire. Why - just because

...and so it was, I wondered as I too often do:

Do you suppose a princess wears her crown 24/7?

I might consider it

Do princesses really sleep on 100 mattresses all piled high with a pea under her pillow?

It might bruise my tender skin so I would opt out

Would a princess truly kiss a frog? If so, do they always turn into handsome princes?

Who me, kiss a frog...don't be silly

Is it true that a princess lives happily ever after forever and through eternity with her prince?

I am doubtful

Does a princess have the voice of an angel and sing songs in the woods among the tender creatures that live there while holding a blue bird on her raised finger while the bird tweets in tune with her?

I having issues with the whole scenario

Finally, do you suppose it is princess like to snore....

I suppose, only the chamber maid who waits outside in the hall, listening for the bell that sits on the night table near the sleeping princess, to ring requesting her service, is the only one who knows for sure.

...and so I wonder if the chamber maid has ever been interviewed on Oprah... there I go again...wondering