Friday

Friday, July 16

I am really upset with myself this morning.

Friday use to begin with a song that serenaded in my head...Friday, Friday, Friday is my favorite day. It is a song most of the staff sing, as we stroll the halls at work. This Friday I am not in that frame of mind..bummer

Summer use to be a vacation time for me. A time to spend meaningful moments with my precious sons.

This summer is different. I am entering the world of divorce. Didn't see that one coming. I am midway through the waiting period. Ironic how I have spent a majority of my life in the stage of waiting ... for this or that. This summer I have added a second job to my list of responsibilities which keeps me more busy than I would prefer.

The computer is running slow. What can I expect for dial up?

I am upset with myself because I am feeling frustrated and acting out by tossing items that are in my way, that I could lay safely down and upset with the computer.

The mascara clumped up on my lashes as I did my morning ritual attempting a princess face. It is an old tube that needs to be replaced but my funds keep me from the purchase - at this moment in my life.

I am upset with myself, the computer and the tube of mascara.

I kinda sorta - at the present - live out of bags and my car as I share a duplex with a friend who has a houseload of boxes and furniture that take up most of the space which is understandable but leaves me little room for my little bit of things. The bag that holds my brushes, hair dryer and all those supplies I require to be decent, before leaving the house, fell over just as I pulled it from under the bathroom sink, spilling most of my things on the floor. Grrrrr I quickly picked up each item and tossed them with anger back into the bag, not caring if it was organized or not which will for certain, cause me some frustration later in the day but for now, it worked for me.

I am upset with myself, the computer, the tube of mascara and my bag of 'tricks'.

...and so the inquiry came...

"You seem in a frustrated mood this morning."

I made an attempt to explain but had too long of a list to state the full tale but then again, I am unsure what is truly bothering me, deep down inside.

I am aware that my frustration does not lay with the computer, mascara or bag of tricks. I am sure those are secondary to what is really bothering me. I don't think I want to ponder my issues at this moment for fear I won't have enough tissue to deal with them and that would lead me to add a tissue box to my lists of upsets.

I am upset with myself, the computer, the tube of clumpy mascara, my bag of tricks and the lack of tissue boxes.

Depression causes me to refrain from eating. Anxiousness draws me to comfort food or for that matter, any food in eye shot to be stuffed into my mouth and sometimes, swallowed without much chewing. hmmm not healthy. Now, feeling anxious for what, I don't know, I have an urge to eat and the first thing that comes to mind is a piece of toast. However, being in the frame of mind I am, a loaf of bread toasted and then smothered in one or two cubes of butter is what my mouth is savoring the idea of. I refrain only because the vision of the scales tomorrow morning readying OBESE keeps flashing in my mind.

I am upset with myself, the computer, the tube of clumpy mascara, my bag of tricks, the lack of tissue boxes and my urge for a loaf of bread...toasted up and smothered in a pound of fresh Darigold butter.

Here I thought life and relationships were complicated when actually, I am the complicated one.

Ah, but I feel better expressing how I feel in silent words, being able to write them down without making a statement out loud, which might interfere with the well being of others who don't really want to hear my rambling ponderings of my morning.

Yes, Friday was a long day. It went from ok to better then back again to how I felt in the morning...more on that tomorrow.