Sunset

Sunset, let me drift with you this night.
And as the last of your rays stretch across the land,
And as heavens first bright star of the night climbs high up in the sky,
I close my eyes and make a wish,
That all my dreams will come true...this night.
My tear filled eyes, from all this day has taken from me,
Close, as I pray for sleep and wonder,
Will heavens angels guard the memories I keep.
I dream away, not wanting to think of another day.
I'm still so numb from all that has come.
On this, ordinary day.


Sunrise, why is it so you don't arrive.
Why is it so that sleep was denied.
Where is you're warmth that use to kiss my face,
And the morning breeze that whispered my name,
I wonder why I spend long and lonely nights
Waiting for you to find me.

~N

Fitting In

I've talked about feeling like a square peg in a round hole before. Never quite fitting in anywhere. Last night it was again, brought to my attention, or probably more fitting is, I brought it to my own attention. Someone said something that was hurtful. Ok, reality says they said something and I received it in a hurtful way. I don't think they mean to do that but it happens on a regular bases. After awhile, I get tired of the process of saying, "This is what I heard you say, is that what you meant?" The process is tiring as the response is always the same and leaves me more hurt and confused than I was. So what is the point!


Then as I lay there with my tears hidden in the dark and in the silence, pondering what just happened and making the best attempt my body could to get past it, I thought about others in my world and how what they say and what they do is so against what I feel, believe and need. How I feel so alone and not a part of things. How words and gestures that enter my space in the place I should feel the most safe and secure at, all cause me to wonder why, why Lord is it so.

Do I google map misfit island...I wonder.
Do I take a road trip and keep driving until I feel I have reached the destination that fits me just right...I wonder.

And I wonder...would I meet up with other misfits, other square pegs that have been trying themselves to fit into the round holes, the spaces and places that others want them to fit into but they, for whatever the reason, simply cannot, and find they are unable to exist well in the world around them. Will I find them out there, somewhere like me, wandering, pondering and longing...just to be.

Somethings are true whether you believe them or not.

Issues

I have issues. I know, you are surprised. You always looked on me as being perfect. You would be right if it weren't for the fact that people live in the world with me and circumstances happen without reporting to me for my input in which case if it had, I would make changes in my favor so the issues from circumstances that form would not, and I would then be perfect.

Does that all make perfect sense to you now?

...and so it goes, in my unperfect world and my unperfect self, I have stress related stomach issues. Most of the time my stomach hurts worse in the night, while I am pretending to sleep. I am too weary to get out of bed and get the medicine that will help soothe my stomach most times. The pain has been increasing, so for the past two nights I placed the medicine by my bed within reach.

Surprise, surprise. I had stomach pain and reached for the medicine.
I was then able to endure the night.

Why isn't it that simple with other issues I wonder. When I see what the issue is, which is half the problem, then find the solution and just do it!

I suppose that would be too simple and then, what would I have to talk to myself about on those long walks on the treadmill.

silly me

there is a whole world down in the ocean that is filled with talking shrimp but my breath won't hold long enough.

a woman started growing where the seeds had been planted just like in the ad. they remembered to water her, for awhile....


there is a whole world off this island. all it takes is one long swim.

I laugh along but all the while, inside, I know what is true...


when I feel an attack coming on, I lock myself in the bathroom and laugh until I cry.

looking back on that day I can't help but wonder, did I bring this on myself?

Control

Have I said it before...my life is consumed with people who are controlling.....arggggggggg Or perhaps my life is consumed with people I allow to control me. I prefer not taking blame so I will opt with the first of the two scenarios.

giggle

Ok, I have a serving heart and I am the kind of person that finds the greatest joy in watching others happy or being fulfilled which probably gives me the disposition of being attractive to controlling people. I don't know if that even makes sense. :)

go figure

and if you find an answer for me, please do share.

One of my sisters and I were chatting about mom. Isn't that what sisters do sometimes. Mom is so controlling! We are expected to follow her schedules. Everyday has a schedule of its very own everything from routine to meals. I often wonder if my mom ever checked with the days to find out how they feel about having her control over them or were they just happy to simply be.

There is no free time in moms schedule. That would be a waste. Silly me for even thinking so. Like teenagers, we brainstormed rebellious survivable plans of escape if for only a day or a few hours leaving behind panic attacks and meds to exist in the same home with mom.

Sad thing is, we aren't teens. Sis is 60+, I am 50+. What we need to do is brainstorm why and when we are going to stop allowing mom to control us, manipulate us and finally have a life of our own.

.......oops sorry, gotta run, mom is calling me..........

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely unrelated.

A blessing
A break
Dumb luck
Fluke
Good luck
Happenstance
Happy chance
Stumbling upon
Tripping over
Moira
Kismit
Par un curieux
Heureux hasard

Serendipity is sublime and splendorous - to me. :)

I did slip in some French words for definitions of serendipity. Couldn't help it, it's the French in me. Did you know that about me? My father was French. Interesting man he was!


Surely that word....serendipity...rolls right off your tongue and brings you inner delight.
Surely there is something or someone or a circumstance in your life that comes to mind when you think of serendipity.

Will you be kind enough to share that with me?


I would be honored and truly enjoy hearing from you.....

I will wait right here for you :)

Must I share first? I suppose I could begin just to get you motivated.

Long ago and far away, someone entered my world. It was serendipity to me. As was said in Back to the Future...it was my density...meaning destiny but you must watch the movie to understand why the nerdy guy used that word and then share a giggle with me.

Back to serendipity....there I was, lonely and lost, waiting for the sunrise that I could never quite capture the timing of. With nothing more than memories of my life past and at the cross roads of unknown tomorrow paths, is when that serendipity meeting that held all of my tomorrows and forevermore arrived. As I sat entranced I could tell that this ordinary day of days would be a day to mark on the calendar, it was the beginning of an end....

Now it is your turn.