Might sound...

...like crazy talk but here it is anyway. A long story also, so if you don't want to stick around to read it all, I will understand and won't have my feelings hurt at all.

Today, I don't know if I am tired or weary. Maybe both. Maybe the tired brings the weariness.

Why tired - I spend too many moments in survivor mode. It's hard work.

I could begin at the beginning. Would you like that? Will you mind?

I woke up and viewed the clock. I was one minute late in getting out of bed. Yes, tis true, I have a pattern that I have to stick to or ... well, my day is just not a workable thing for me most of the time. I wasn't done with my dreaming. I wasn't feeling like I was ready to face the day yet but stirring and sounds nearby caused me to grab hold of the covers, toss them back and make my way to the treadmill.

Not before grabbing my ipod. The view isn't much these days. It's terribly dark that time of the morning now, quiet too. The birds are still sleeping. Pretty Kitty and Panther aren't eager to start their day either. Most mornings they bring me a great deal of entertainment as I watch them chase their tail or chase each other into the room where I am, then suddenly stop, give a sideways turn and hunch their backs, acting as if they are going to fight but then one gives up and the chase begins again. I think if cats could laugh, the house would be filled with laughter at times like those. However, this morning music on the ipod will keep me company.

For reasons I can guess, I woke sad. Tears kept wanting to make their way down my cheeks. Can't have that, too much explaining to do, so I did my best to hold them in.

With familiar strategy I survive the morning and took the breath taking drive to work. There is such beauty in this part of the world. Nothing like it I think. I put on the cruise control so I could safely do more viewing of my surroundings than of the speedometer and the road directly in front of me.

Next stage of my day is listening to the instructor at work. I join my fellow staff members as we sit with eyes focused on the lecturer, but as I gaze at the group I am in the company of, I can almost hear their thoughts which I am sure, mirror mine.

Suddenly the talking stops and the speaker rises and moves away from our area. That is the signal that the lesson is done and we can now make our way through the day following the design we were just given. As always, none of us are clear on the design or plan. We move away from the meeting area and move about the room like leaves whipping in circle of wind almost making me dizzy, pretending we know what we are to do but knowing enough now to fake it.

Does that sound terrible? It is truth even still.

Changes take place all the time. Some are for good reasons, some are simply because someone can make changes and does so as the mood strikes them, leaving wreckage in the wake. And so, they see that and blame someone else, then make a new change before the others get accustomed to and finally understand the old change that just took place.

Is that even right or fair?

...and so we, (we, being the group), sat around a table during a quiet time and talked about our obsessions, our frustrations and the proper way to eat M&M's. There is an order to things you know! We laughed, it felt good. In our own way, we were letting each other know that we are in support of each other and if we stick together, holding strong, we will all survive. And there I go again, in survivor mode but at least there, in the work place, I have others who exist in survivor mode to support and gain support from.

The day did not end there, but you get the jest. An odd thing happened near the end of the day. Is there a friend or family member you have that fills you up when you are empty by just being with them or seeing them? Words don't even need to be spoken. I have not had that in my life since my brother Ronnie was alive and part of my life, but now I have that blessing again. All I had to do was feel their presence and I felt comforted, filled up again and knew all was well. I like that feeling. I like having a friend in my life that is there for me, no matter what.