The drive

...and so it was, the morning had come for one of my final appointments with legal aid as I continue to deal with my divorce after 31 years of marriage, five children and four grandchildren.



I must have checked my paperwork 5 times or more, making certain the i's were dotted, the t's were crossed and all of the blanks were filled in.



I showered, taking a little longer than the norm. No reason in particular but it felt like a necessary thing to do. My hair turned out well that morning, my hair dryer was feeling kindly towards me.



I left the house at an exact time. My usual is to be early to where ever I am going, thus not keeping people waiting and giving myself time to adjust to my destination. That day was different, an official sort of day kinda sorta like this coming Friday will be when I have to appear in court to let the judge of this county know that I indeed did know what I was doing when I began this process and yes, I do still feel the same way and want to proceed.



I suppose it is fair to give people that last minute option of changing their minds when they appear before the judge, having waited 90 days. I would hope no one would go that far unless they were certain of the choice they had made, and would want to be done with the added pain of this process which is how I feel. Appearing before the judge is more than I can handle. When I think about it, I visualize it as the stamp, kinda sorta making what felt like a very long bad dream, become real.



I have nothing against the judge. I actually met her once before and she was rather kind but very business like. I simply feel that enough is enough and wonder why the process of divorce is so painful and difficult to go through. I suppose their is a reason for everything and sometimes, we just won't understand or know in this lifetime. All the same, it matters to me and I wish it didn't have to be.



As ready as I could be and with papers in hand, I headed out the door and got into my car. I settled myself in and made sure the files of papers were secure, not wanting any of them to slip out of the folders. It took some time to get them together and I did not want to take time now to figure out which order they go in.



As I headed down the road towards town, the street was barren. I was distracted from the ugly task at hand by pondering if people that must occupy the quiet homes I passed, were all about there daily routines, very much unlike what I was doing. Or were there still folks at home with their heads pressed against the window, watching the kinda sorta procession of my drive that morning. It felt like a funeral I was driving towards - a death of sorts. A marriage ends, lives change forever as divorce affects many people and alters many areas of our life.



But life does go on and I am sure I will make it through the days ahead. However, at that moment, on my drive, I could feel heat rushing to my cheeks. As I glanced in the rear view mirror, I saw they were bright pink. Must of been my blood pressure rising from the uncomfortableness of that mornings process. It is not my nature to be unkind and I felt I was being unkind to my husband in filing these papers but knew also that it is a necessary event.



Only three miles away from my appointment, I reached into my purse and pulled out a bottle of medication that I take to calm my nerves. I wondered if it would kick in before I reached Legal Aid.



I tried to rationalize why I was feeling the way I was. Kinda sorta like self therapy. What I am working through and dealing with is necessary and what I want to do and need to do for many reasons.



Five days from today I will be free from this marriage and all of this paper work, meetings and explanations, but most likely, never free from the scars. Some scars never heal.

Prisoner

Some of us are prisoners and don't know it. We are held captive by people, situations or compulsions that are so much a part of our lives, that we don't recognize them.

I know of some women who are prisoners to shopping. They even went to a class to help them get over their strong desire to SHOP. Seems they can't pass a store without going in to buy products whether they need them or not. My bank account is always on my mind and won't allow me to enter that captivity.

Some are held captive by drugs, smoking or anger.

People prisoners....hmmm. That to me, would be when you allow others to dictate what you do, where you go, how you do it and when. Sometimes though, I don't think you can avoid being held as a captive in some situations. You have to comply with what is dictated to you in order to keep your job or to survive a relationship with some sanity when there is no escape route.

The prison ward I live in is with others who allow themselves to be held captive by people. The problem is, I put others way to far before my own needs and being kinda sorta meek, I tend to not speak up for myself. So I suppose then, it is a self-made captivity.

I am aware of what I do and in some cases I have found an escape. In some areas of my life I don't have an escape, so I endure the best I can.

I don't know why it seems I have spent most of my life surrounded by controlling people. Maybe it is that I am not as strong as others who do speak up for themselves, so I am not surrounded really then, by any more controlling people than anyone else is.

Experience has taught me that when I do speak up for myself, I end up paying a price I am not willing to give in to. Such as when my speaking up caused people who are close to me to endure the wrath. I prefer to take the punishment myself than to have others pay the price.

I am at the beginning stages of a new life. I want to be the same caring person that I have always been but hope to learn some lessons on being assertive without interfering with the well being of others. I am not sure how to go about it, how to learn to speak up for my rights without causing anyone else to pay the price or hurting the prison wardens feelings.

It might sound like crazy talk but sometimes that is where my mind wanders to...Crazy Town.

One thing I have learned is that you can be alive and breathing without actually living.

Empty

I had no idea how empty emptiness could feel. I am not enjoying the experience. It is usually at night when darkness and quiet surround me, when my fears and hopes start filtering through my mind.

I've learned one thing, don't have dreams unless you are able to hold on tightly to them because dreams can slip away.

My life changed directions recently. It all started hmmm....long ago and oh so far away. This past summer was when the majority of changes took place. Sometimes changes feel unnatural. Does that make sense?

I'm stronger, yet still weak and feel alone - although I know I am not standing alone. It takes all my strength to keep from shutting down altogether. My body doesn't listen well. I say to myself, "you're going to make it", but my body shows signs of breaking and then I hear myself kinda sorta chanting, "you're not going to make it through this one."

I work on keeping positive thoughts and play music as often as possible that is uplifting. My mind and heart don't always listen well. The positive words that flow in, read more like a stack of papers from a story book based on someone elses life. Surely this isn't my life story. Surely the sky won't fall, my smile will return, be for real and not so fake. Most of all, surely the pages will keep turning in this kinda sorta story book and before I find the page that says the end, I will see the events turning into a happy ever after. Wouldn't that be lovely?

I know - it will only be a wee bit more time.

I feel as though I will never see the sunrise again and wonder where the roses and wine for my life are hidden.

Life has certainly got my attention.

Essay

What I did on my summer vacation

School started two weeks ago. Summer passed far too quickly. There were not enough warm and sunny days. The summer days were shortened or my days were too full, not enough 'lazy, hazy days of summer'.

I had a great time facebooking family, friends and co workers. I find it the best way of keeping contact with them.

I made new friends due to PinkRamblerRamblings and a few new friends at the 2nd job I took on. All good!

I have had new experiences - emotionally and physically.

I have changed in many ways - don't we all? I believe, most of us have a goal to continually change for the better.

I learned valuable lessons about relationships - people really. Through it all I learned a lot about myself.

I've dealt with more this summer than I have in my lifetime.

I'm not sure what I liked most or least about my summer vacation -

it just was

Roberta

Thank you for continuing to post on your blog. I do love reading it. Thank you also for your words of encouragement and wisdom. You are appreciated.

Dreams

let dreams enter my mind

bring beautiful words to describe the night sky

the sunrise

and the perfect day

bring back my passion for life

for it has hidden itself from me

bring back laughter and tears

i would do anything to not be judged

misunderstood

or feel so all alone

as if i were an ocean away from the world

i want to live in

i've been given a second chance

at the kinda sorta dance of life

i don't want to waste it

i want the dance to be a slow rhythm

without pain, regrets or the taste of flowing tears

i want to feel worthy of love

i don't want to feel like a drifter

passing through life

i feel within unfamiliar territory

when will these feelings subside.....

Overload

Dear Friend,

This morning I received a text message warning, letting me know that my online photo album was filled to 90% capacity. If I continued to send more photos, it will be filled and who knows where the photos would go. Would they float on the web airwaves or be sent back to me like snail mail that cannot be delivered.

I likened that message to the one my heart and brain have been sending to me. Letting me know that I am near my limit of capacity. I don't suppose I have any more responsibilities than anyone else in this world. The difference I believe, is that I hold myself accountable to my responsibilities 100%. I give each thing I do my all, otherwise I feel I have failed and what's the point then.

Because I place that burden on myself, I ended up at this point. The point where there have been so many new responsibilities added on and with so many disappointments and adding the fact that I am trying to make my way in a new life, has been too much for me to handle.

When I think about a fragile flower I envision one of beauty and would require much care. I don't consider myself a woman of beauty but I do seem to require much care which I lack. Not care from others but care for myself. I don't know how to carefully balance my life, my responsibility to others and other things in my life and to myself also.

And so...I take medication to calm me and hopefully help me survive the day and night and to perhaps be in a state of being that will allow me to work things through in a healthy way.

That hasn't happened yet. I suppose there are too many new things entering my life at this point. I make a list of things I need to tend to and people I need to spend time with. I have to keep adding and reorganizing the list as each new item enters my life. It was driving me mad so I stopped.

I am attempting to make it through a day without medication. Perhaps that is not the way to go at this point but I prefer it that way. When I take the medication it makes me feel as though I am living in a world of color but remain in black and white. Does that make sense?

I have rebuilt a wall of protection around myself. I don't smile much and I most certainly don't want to cry. I am afraid that if I do, and don't remain middle ground, pretending all is well, everything that is building up inside of me will gush forth and I know, it won't be a good thing. At least I don't think it will.

I know, it is only a season but some seasons seem to last too long. There have been moments in this season where I thought the worse was over. I thought I had things in order. I had figured out time wise, how to handle two jobs, see my sons, spend time with friends and find a moment of two of time for myself. Then the world kinda sorta crashed. Then right when the bits and pieces that fell were in the midst of being put back together, they fell back to the ground. Added to that, my position at one of my jobs changed to a very unpleasant one.

I think that was the one that sent me to the 90% capacity. I feel to blame for not being the person I really am deep down inside because I feel a need to be kinda sorta robotic, fake like, in order to not let it show that I am a basket case. Yes, tis true, some mornings I look in the mirror and see what looks like a basket with strands of basket weave that has come untwined....mostly my hair but my eyes lack life, my smile is to me, obviously a pretend one.

My online photo album is beckoning me to delete a few photos or make a new album. My heart and mind are beckoning me to delete a few responsibilities and delegate a bit. I am not sure how or when I will begin that process but I know it has to be done before I reach overload.

I have not been on overload before, that I know of, but am certain it will not be pretty and we all know that every princess should always be pretty and stand up straight or her crown will teeter....

The bottom line is my friend, it is not your fault but mine and my lone responsibility.