Prisoner

Some of us are prisoners and don't know it. We are held captive by people, situations or compulsions that are so much a part of our lives, that we don't recognize them.

I know of some women who are prisoners to shopping. They even went to a class to help them get over their strong desire to SHOP. Seems they can't pass a store without going in to buy products whether they need them or not. My bank account is always on my mind and won't allow me to enter that captivity.

Some are held captive by drugs, smoking or anger.

People prisoners....hmmm. That to me, would be when you allow others to dictate what you do, where you go, how you do it and when. Sometimes though, I don't think you can avoid being held as a captive in some situations. You have to comply with what is dictated to you in order to keep your job or to survive a relationship with some sanity when there is no escape route.

The prison ward I live in is with others who allow themselves to be held captive by people. The problem is, I put others way to far before my own needs and being kinda sorta meek, I tend to not speak up for myself. So I suppose then, it is a self-made captivity.

I am aware of what I do and in some cases I have found an escape. In some areas of my life I don't have an escape, so I endure the best I can.

I don't know why it seems I have spent most of my life surrounded by controlling people. Maybe it is that I am not as strong as others who do speak up for themselves, so I am not surrounded really then, by any more controlling people than anyone else is.

Experience has taught me that when I do speak up for myself, I end up paying a price I am not willing to give in to. Such as when my speaking up caused people who are close to me to endure the wrath. I prefer to take the punishment myself than to have others pay the price.

I am at the beginning stages of a new life. I want to be the same caring person that I have always been but hope to learn some lessons on being assertive without interfering with the well being of others. I am not sure how to go about it, how to learn to speak up for my rights without causing anyone else to pay the price or hurting the prison wardens feelings.

It might sound like crazy talk but sometimes that is where my mind wanders to...Crazy Town.

One thing I have learned is that you can be alive and breathing without actually living.