The drive

...and so it was, the morning had come for one of my final appointments with legal aid as I continue to deal with my divorce after 31 years of marriage, five children and four grandchildren.



I must have checked my paperwork 5 times or more, making certain the i's were dotted, the t's were crossed and all of the blanks were filled in.



I showered, taking a little longer than the norm. No reason in particular but it felt like a necessary thing to do. My hair turned out well that morning, my hair dryer was feeling kindly towards me.



I left the house at an exact time. My usual is to be early to where ever I am going, thus not keeping people waiting and giving myself time to adjust to my destination. That day was different, an official sort of day kinda sorta like this coming Friday will be when I have to appear in court to let the judge of this county know that I indeed did know what I was doing when I began this process and yes, I do still feel the same way and want to proceed.



I suppose it is fair to give people that last minute option of changing their minds when they appear before the judge, having waited 90 days. I would hope no one would go that far unless they were certain of the choice they had made, and would want to be done with the added pain of this process which is how I feel. Appearing before the judge is more than I can handle. When I think about it, I visualize it as the stamp, kinda sorta making what felt like a very long bad dream, become real.



I have nothing against the judge. I actually met her once before and she was rather kind but very business like. I simply feel that enough is enough and wonder why the process of divorce is so painful and difficult to go through. I suppose their is a reason for everything and sometimes, we just won't understand or know in this lifetime. All the same, it matters to me and I wish it didn't have to be.



As ready as I could be and with papers in hand, I headed out the door and got into my car. I settled myself in and made sure the files of papers were secure, not wanting any of them to slip out of the folders. It took some time to get them together and I did not want to take time now to figure out which order they go in.



As I headed down the road towards town, the street was barren. I was distracted from the ugly task at hand by pondering if people that must occupy the quiet homes I passed, were all about there daily routines, very much unlike what I was doing. Or were there still folks at home with their heads pressed against the window, watching the kinda sorta procession of my drive that morning. It felt like a funeral I was driving towards - a death of sorts. A marriage ends, lives change forever as divorce affects many people and alters many areas of our life.



But life does go on and I am sure I will make it through the days ahead. However, at that moment, on my drive, I could feel heat rushing to my cheeks. As I glanced in the rear view mirror, I saw they were bright pink. Must of been my blood pressure rising from the uncomfortableness of that mornings process. It is not my nature to be unkind and I felt I was being unkind to my husband in filing these papers but knew also that it is a necessary event.



Only three miles away from my appointment, I reached into my purse and pulled out a bottle of medication that I take to calm my nerves. I wondered if it would kick in before I reached Legal Aid.



I tried to rationalize why I was feeling the way I was. Kinda sorta like self therapy. What I am working through and dealing with is necessary and what I want to do and need to do for many reasons.



Five days from today I will be free from this marriage and all of this paper work, meetings and explanations, but most likely, never free from the scars. Some scars never heal.