Overload

Dear Friend,

This morning I received a text message warning, letting me know that my online photo album was filled to 90% capacity. If I continued to send more photos, it will be filled and who knows where the photos would go. Would they float on the web airwaves or be sent back to me like snail mail that cannot be delivered.

I likened that message to the one my heart and brain have been sending to me. Letting me know that I am near my limit of capacity. I don't suppose I have any more responsibilities than anyone else in this world. The difference I believe, is that I hold myself accountable to my responsibilities 100%. I give each thing I do my all, otherwise I feel I have failed and what's the point then.

Because I place that burden on myself, I ended up at this point. The point where there have been so many new responsibilities added on and with so many disappointments and adding the fact that I am trying to make my way in a new life, has been too much for me to handle.

When I think about a fragile flower I envision one of beauty and would require much care. I don't consider myself a woman of beauty but I do seem to require much care which I lack. Not care from others but care for myself. I don't know how to carefully balance my life, my responsibility to others and other things in my life and to myself also.

And so...I take medication to calm me and hopefully help me survive the day and night and to perhaps be in a state of being that will allow me to work things through in a healthy way.

That hasn't happened yet. I suppose there are too many new things entering my life at this point. I make a list of things I need to tend to and people I need to spend time with. I have to keep adding and reorganizing the list as each new item enters my life. It was driving me mad so I stopped.

I am attempting to make it through a day without medication. Perhaps that is not the way to go at this point but I prefer it that way. When I take the medication it makes me feel as though I am living in a world of color but remain in black and white. Does that make sense?

I have rebuilt a wall of protection around myself. I don't smile much and I most certainly don't want to cry. I am afraid that if I do, and don't remain middle ground, pretending all is well, everything that is building up inside of me will gush forth and I know, it won't be a good thing. At least I don't think it will.

I know, it is only a season but some seasons seem to last too long. There have been moments in this season where I thought the worse was over. I thought I had things in order. I had figured out time wise, how to handle two jobs, see my sons, spend time with friends and find a moment of two of time for myself. Then the world kinda sorta crashed. Then right when the bits and pieces that fell were in the midst of being put back together, they fell back to the ground. Added to that, my position at one of my jobs changed to a very unpleasant one.

I think that was the one that sent me to the 90% capacity. I feel to blame for not being the person I really am deep down inside because I feel a need to be kinda sorta robotic, fake like, in order to not let it show that I am a basket case. Yes, tis true, some mornings I look in the mirror and see what looks like a basket with strands of basket weave that has come untwined....mostly my hair but my eyes lack life, my smile is to me, obviously a pretend one.

My online photo album is beckoning me to delete a few photos or make a new album. My heart and mind are beckoning me to delete a few responsibilities and delegate a bit. I am not sure how or when I will begin that process but I know it has to be done before I reach overload.

I have not been on overload before, that I know of, but am certain it will not be pretty and we all know that every princess should always be pretty and stand up straight or her crown will teeter....

The bottom line is my friend, it is not your fault but mine and my lone responsibility.