now and then

rise and greet the day
before the sun has a chance to wake

why

it's another story for another day

the reason
doesn't seem to matter much now
but all the same
it is what it is
which continues to be my pattern

some things from my past
won't let go

rise
work
work some more
deal with life interruptions
say hello to friends
eat - now and then
listen to music while I am on the road
day dream
play cards with my sons
long for the warm golden sun
to warm me
sleep - now and then

it is what it is
it is just another day

Today

I sit here, on the couch with laptop in well...my lap. I have to prop a pillow behind my back as this couch must of been meant for someone with long legs. :)

It is only 3:20 in the afternoon but it feels like I have endured a few days worth in just the few hours I have been up.

The morning started off pretty much with routine stuff, that is until I headed out to my car. I had sat in this very spot in the early hours of this Monday morn, deciding that going out and start my car early to warm it up was a good idea. Then about 6:15 a.m., when I was about to leave for work, I realized warming my car up ahead of time, was not going to happen. There is always too much to get done in the bit of free time that I have. Oh bother

regressing....

I had checked my email, replied, clicked send, only to find the screen turn to a transparent color. Hmmm Seems the internet shut itself down. I spent a good ten minutes turning on and off the internet box, (that's what most women do when things don't work right...giggle). I gave up, took a shower and got dressed. In the meantime, a friend I send text messages to each morning, was today of all days, sending me more than the norm. Seems she had a lot to say. Mostly she was telling me songs I needed to listen to. I took time in between there to jot down the songs to check out later...when I had time - as if that were a possibility! :)

...and so it was, I had my purse - check. Coffee cup - check. Keys in hand - check.

I head out the door, locking it behind me. As I opened the entrance door of the apartment complex, I noticed my car was shimmering. Oh goodie, I get to drive to work with bling. I like bling! I attempt to insert the key into the lock. Hmmmm -it was a no go. I remembered that a friend had told me to heat my car door key up with a lighter so I gave it a try. Tada, it worked!

Part two as there is always more when I tell a story. The door is unlocked but the door refuses to open. Seems the 29 degree weather causes car doors to stick. Hmm....can't use a lighter on the door now can I....... I pondered the thought then gave the door another pull, and another. The door opened with a frosty crunching noise. It was too funny and a neat story to share with someone but no one was around and texting was out of the question.

I get in drive down the road and make a quick stop to pick up a salad for lunch. I have a standing lunch date with a co worker on Mondays and we always have salad. What should have been a few minute stop turned into a too long wait. Seems other folks have figured out how nice it is to shop early in the morning. How did my secret get out?

I am heading to work at that point, letting go of the minor frustrations of the morning. Snow is falling and as I reach work, the snow is thicker and more steady in its arrival. I dismissed the snow knowing I had a day off from my second job so no rush in getting home. I did not have to let the worry of a lot of snowfall concern me. I was planning to stop to visit a friend then was heading to the home of another friend for dinner. What could be a nicer way to end a day?

My morning job keeps me hopping from building to building. I have no particular place to keep my things (a girl 'gots' to have things), so I lug them along with me on my travels. At midway through my day, I stop for lunch and check my phone messages. The gal who was suppose to work for me Monday night at my second job, leaves me a message that because of the snow, she can't make it to work. My lunch time is short so I rush to make phone calls to cancel my 'me' time. I ran out of time so I headed back into work without even taking one bite of my salad. Oh, I forgot to mention, the gal I have lunch with on Mondays is absent. Argg. However, the up side to that is I had time to make the needed phone calls.

A couple of hours before work is over, several employees came to me stating the highway is covered in snow and is only going to get worse so I should head out early in order to make it to my second job. That meant a lot of arranging, looking around for a sub, letting other staff members know I would be gone....

I was already tired from working a longer than normal shift the night before, now for certain my brain was weary. In between I was getting more text messages and a frantic phone call from my mother, to respond to. I handled what I could and decided to focus on the tasks at hand rather than let my mind wander into the feelings that were emerging. I quit calling for Calgon to take me away. Now I have the airlines on my speed dial figuring some day they will allow a flight to Cancun take me away.

Things were in somewhat order, I take off from work and see that the roads are not as bad as stated. I did slide a bit here and there on slush but nothing major. I got home, put groceries away - did I mention that stop - put my laundry in the washer, made a few more phone calls and sent a few more text messages to settle a bit of chaos.

I have thirty minutes before heading into work at my second job. I fear if I sit here much longer, my head will begin to lean and I will fall into slumber land. I feel better getting my too busy day into words so I get let it go and get on with the rest of my day.

I have decided to focus on work for now and when my shift is over, I will come home to my new bestest friend, my bed! My bed never asks anything of me. My bed is always waiting for me. It keeps me warm. When I want to feel protected from the world, I pull the covers up tight, snuggle in, lay my head on the soft pillow, close my eyes and find rest. ahhh rest

interminable

Last night I walked quickly back to the time clock to check out. I chatted for a bit with fellow associates, grabbed the wadded up clothes from my locker and headed towards the front door. I had to change my clothes at work and beings that my locker is so small, I have to stuff my things in there. It seems wrinkles are everywhere in my life now....on my aging face and on my wadded up clothing. giggle

At the front door, good nights were exchanged and thank you for your hard work to us from the manager. It is always nice to hear that you are appreciated. The manager is a great guy, in fact, I am blessed that the boss at my other job is a great guy too!

The wind was blowing big time! Shopping carts were everywhere earlier that evening. One had even blown into one of the driveway entrances. A few of us stopped a moment near our vehicles to share last minute conversation. It has been great getting to know them and making new friends. I choose to make friends with those I work with rather than just having a working relationship. It seems to make work more enjoyable to me, as if I were working with family.

I got on the freeway and headed toward my destination, a store where I needed to pick up a few things. There was debris all over the road from the wild wind. Barrels lined the freeway where construction was going on. With the wind, the barrels and rain coming down, it made it difficult to decipher exactly where the exit was. Don't laugh too loudly, but at one point, I took a slight exit only to find I was simply driving on the other side of the barrels for a bit, which was not an exit I intended to make but rather a private lane for me to ride along. Most likely very entertaining - or alarming - to the other motorists. :)

At last my real live exit! Or at least I thought it was. I took the exit before my exit which meant more maneuvering and a u-turn at one point. As I drove into Grand Mound, I could see nothing but darkness. The electricity had gone out in the whole area. Even the stop lights were dark. Very few were on the road at that time so when I did reach the major stop light, people were polite in taking turns with stopping and going. A mile down the road, I pulled into the parking lot of the store I needed to stop at and found it was dark. grrrrrrrr

I made a loop and headed for home all the while pondering.....

how very much this night drive parallels my life and if by chance there were women out there who are able to cruise right through middle age without ever stopping to ask in dismay and disbelief, How did I end up here? At that moment I was unable to find a bright spot to focus on. I wondered if I would ever feel normal and if summer will ever return.

~~

A new day

I am always thankful for a new day and look forward to the adventures that lay ahead. I was reading poems this morning and found one that made me smile, gave me hope and caused me to want to share...

God is like a DJ,
Life is like a dance floor.
Love is like a song.

Enjoy your day!

Do I Have A Chance At All?

...and so she said to me, "Recently, I've had to use the very tools I taught children over the years, in dealing with bullies, in my own life. Ignore their behavior, I would tell them, that way you end up the winner. Inside it hurts to be around them. Who wants to spend your days dealing with bullies?"

She went on to say that she doesn't understand what keeps happening anymore. Why is it she finds herself not only bullied but also in controlling relationships.

People here and there who-
question where she is going
and with whom
when will she return

People who-
make statements that question what she eats and when
what color her hair is
how much she weighs
how she manages her days and nights

Perhaps they think it is called caring. In her mind it seemed to feel more like control issues. After all, she has had a lot of experience in that area.

I wondered if she would ever find a meaningful and healthy relationship. We talked until late last night, drawing the conclusion that she had many friends in her life that edified who she is, which was very encouraging to her. The ones that she called friends but swayed over the edge of controlling her, were not healthy relationships. Being 'too kind' to speak up verbally to them in defense of her actions, she opted to rebuild the glass wall of protection...again.

Major bummer. The glass wall that she had carefully sculpted around herself during the years past, had shattered not so long ago and far away in time. She felt far too vulnerable now again, in a world she was unsure of.

"Yes, a new wall that will be taller, thicker and would stand the storms of life and protect me from those who mean harm, whether they realize it or not. Solitude would be my companion."

I hope the time she spends behind her new built wall will not become a place she gets too use to. Maybe she will find confidence in who she is becoming, to speak up for herself, if only inside, when hurtful comments and accusations dance their way into her heart.

I have felt it all,
from the sweetest kiss,
to the hurtful words,
and yet my heart,
is neither here nor there,
neither empty nor full,
neither broken nor whole.

Tell me, do I have a chance at all?

Dwindling Sunlight

The only trust required
is to know
that when there is one ending
there will be another beginning.

It was dark when I headed to work yesterday morning and yet I knew that beyond the mask of darkness, the sky was still there, the sun would rise soon and a new day was waiting for me. I held hope in my heart, I don't know how else to live. For me, taking breathes and steps through each day is not living, it's not enough.

A dear friend of mine has not gotten there yet. Something holds her back and I am unclear how to help her. I wish for her a butterfly life. Not short like a butterfly but the ability to feel lighter than air, with burdens lifted and fly through her days.

You have to want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. When a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it kinda sorta dies. However, what looks like death is really when you start to live.

Does that make sense?

In its own way, summer has once again died. The greens of high summer soften into autumn's mellow hue's. Life will still go on.

~~

I put the key into the doorknob and turned it until I heard the click. Such a tiny noise but it makes me feel secure, knowing that with one tiny act from me, my sanctuary and the little it holds, is safe as it can be. Why then have I not found a key that protects my heart in the same simplistic manner.

....and so she said to me, "I'm dying."

How was I to respond? Was it a statement she wanted a response to or was it a way of asking for help?

I was unsure mostly because I don't know her well. Funny how you can spend a life time with someone and not really know them. Some people are good at wearing masks, they don't know how else to exist. Truthfully, it is very sad but at the same time, frustrating. All the same, I can relate.

I don't know how to be of help
what tools can I possibly offer

And yet, it was kinda sorta out there....the request to help.

She talks to me of Alice and the White Rabbit. How there was a room where potions could make you small or tall, changing your body form. Changing the outside does not make the inside any different at all. You can smile but not feel the joy inside that a smile displays. In her life, I wish her many days of sincere smiles that fill her heart to overflowing.

I hear in her voice and words that her well has run dry. She can't find the plus in the positive thinking. She wants to sound off but can't find the words to accomplish the tasks that need to be completed. In her world, dark clouds form overhead. It feels as though the sky will fall. At night, when she sits in her room alone, the most active company she keeps is the clock that stares back at her.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. I could hear how hard it had gotten for her just to take a breathe. It was as if all of her energy was gone with nothing left to do but focus on her next breathe. It was my hope that she would not give up on that also. My hope is that in her time of waiting, even though she grows weary, there will be a moment of dawn that will inspire to keep moving on and believe that the sunrise will return.

I wish for her strength to make it through another day, even though the days to her, seem like an uphill climb. At this point, it seems that is all she knows. Her wheels spin. She digs her heels in. She is trying to do her best, at least I think she is. What holds her back is the fear of falling again.


Dear friend, I know the pain you hold on to is real. I wish you could instead, hold on to the concept that you will survive. I wish you could wake this morning and decide to let go of the fears that hang around and not feel that you are on the edge. I think it will be then that you find out what others have discovered - there isn't an easy way out and even though it might not look that way, you will live to fight another day. Maybe the feelings that you have will kinda sorta remind you that you are alive.

I love you
Try not to be afraid



A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we could not produce the pearl.

Missing In Action

Tis true, I have been missing in action, both on posting/writing, and in living my life. It is at times, difficult to move through the forest when there are so many obstacles in the path. Fallen trees to climb over, critters scampering about and sounds in the distance that cause me to pause and wonder if I am headed in the right direction. At times, I feel I am going around in circles. Seems I find myself passing through areas that I just walked through....then I wonder what is with that! Why can't I find a path that will lead me to somewhere other than the cottage that Hansel and Gretel came upon. Where is Christopher Robin? I know he would assist me.... :)

I have been consumed with life. Hmmm perhaps it is more that life at this time, has found a way to consume almost every moment of my days.

Can you relate?

I moved recently. I have a new roommate. The kindest, considerate and most handsome man in this part of the hundred acre woods...one of my sons! Thought I should throw that in there before you begin wondering just who I am living with. I love my new apartment. It is safe. That was the most important thing to me. It is well lit up and comes with weekend entertainment as there is a high school across the street with the football field in view. I can hear the announcer giving out details of who is running the field and on what yard line....not that I would really know what that meant. I am not a football fan. I don't care to watch 'the guys' do the full body slam when they greet each other or see how aggressive the players get. Why can't they do a simple 'high five'? Doesn't that seem more gentle? Next time there is a vote on how football players greet each other on the field, I am voting for a high five...cause I JUST KNOW they are going to ask for my input. :)

However, I do enjoy hearing how excited the fans get. Yes, my apartment is close enough to hear them too!

...and so it was, I headed to work once again. The drive is long but still amazingly beautiful. With the time change, the sky is not so dark. I could see the lake when I drove over it just before heading into Mossyrock. It is like the grand finale for me. When I drive over the bridge and view the lake, I know my sons are just moments away. I know my job that awaits me is moments away. I adore my children and cherish the people I work with.

As I continued on the highway, I sipped on my coffee. Mmmmm I love coffee.

Perhaps a plethora of things should be on my mind when I wake up but mostly I think about how quickly I can make it to the kitchen for that first hot cup of coffee. Ya I know, I have an exciting life that you must surely be jealous of. :)

It was a short work day. I was thankful for the break in between my jobs to have an hour or two extra to fit in some things on my to do list that has been lacking on my part, in crossing things off. I have discovered that no matter how early I rise or how late I stay up, the time in a day is all the same. I don't know how that works but I never seem to have enough hours in a day. Go figure!

New day...
The sun is out today. This morning, while I sat on the couch in my living room, I glanced out the window and saw an amazing sky. Mini clouds were pink, trimmed with dark blue, resting against a light blue sky. Ahhhhh I just might be enjoying a rain free day off!

Day off - hmmmm what to do first...
hop a quick flight to Cancun
call my mom
take a walk
watch a movie
ponder relationships
bake cookies

My granddaughter has been asking me to bake her some white cookies. I am unsure what a white cookie is but the adventure and joy of baking cookies for Willow is going to be a joy. I guess the decision is made. Now I just need to get moving............