Is it only for a chosen few to have hope. That's more of a statement than a question.

When you find yourself in Brokenville, USA, do they dish up a plate of hope at the Corner Cafe? Will it be tasty or will I have to pour ketchup on my meal?

Hope that my mindset can be gently altered with a changed and new life.

Hope that the broken unhealed past will one day find me living in Contentville, USA.

Hope for time, direction and clarity.

Hope that not a moment of this life is being wasted.

Hope that my unspoken words will be heard and understood.

Hope to be stronger as pieces to the puzzle of life fall into place.

One look in the mirror and I can see the look in my eyes of fading hope.

Maybe I never lost hope at all, maybe hope lost me.

Beautiful World

Strawberry lips shining in the summer sun
Canary-tips glowing there for everyone
You fell asleep under the cherry tree
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here

Your winter skin warming in the summer sun [summer sun]
We know within you will stay forever young [forever young]

You fell asleep under the starlit sea
It's time to wake up
The moon is high above you
We're all here 'cause we love you
And when you finally open your eyes and ears
You'll see and you'll hear us sing

La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world
It's a beautiful world

You fell asleep under the starlit sea
It's time to wake up
The moon is high above you
We're all here 'cause we love you
And when you finally open your eyes and ears
You'll see and you'll hear us sing

La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world [It's a beautiful world]
It's a beautiful world

So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinning on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out

The Winds Of Change

I just finished talking to someone who told me they feel the same way I do....most alone when I am in a crowd. hmmm

Last night I was sitting in my bed with pillows stacked behind my back, watching Terminal with Tom Hanks when it came to me....I feel the most comforted in my bed. It is the only place where I am the most comforted. It is where I can dream any dream I choose, be kept warm, have papers I am working on scattered all across the comforter and no one complains. Although I am alone, I don't feel alone. Does that make sense?

I spent Thursday morning with one of my sons. We went shopping, ordered Chinese take out them came back to my apartment and nibbled on Sweet and Sour Chicken. I loved the hot mustard but my son twisted up his face when he dipped a piece of chicken in it and gave it a try. :) We watched some YouTube videos together, laughed and shared jokes.

The next day I had a fun day with another one of my sons. I learned after too many stressful 'dates' with my sons, that taking one out at a time works so much more smoothly. Perhaps they enjoy the break from each other. For sure they get more of my attention and time when we have our outings.

~~

I have a couple of friends who take me out of my comfort zone. I know what is coming sometimes and prepare myself to deal with it and kinda sorta go with the flow of things. Then there are times when the out of my comfort zone is a surprise.....kinda sorta sends me whirling and searching for an escape.

Not sure how I am going to deal with that. I kinda sorta feel like I am the one who is suppose to make the changes and become more open to their way of thinking and doing things. But, I kinda sorta like the way I do things....hmmm

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away

trying to find
where i belong

the search
goes on and on

as i contemplate
a change of place

Love Exists

The earth still turns on its orbit
Oceans ebb and flow
The sun rises and sets
Love exists
None can be held in your hand
And yet, they do exist.

The earth can't be held but I have felt it shake beneath my feet.

I have been to the ocean many times. I stood knee deep in ocean waves while I tightened my muscles just so I could stand firm. And yet, with all it's strength, the waves filtered through my fingers - they could not be held.

I adore how sunrises and sunsets paint and blanket the sky. However much on days like today, when cold winds blow and I yearn for warmth, I dare not, nor can I hold the sun.

Love - it is a state of being, an emotion that cannot be held. But I feel it and know it exists.

I feel it when

~~my youngest son says, "good night mom, I love you."
~~each time I touch my finger tips to the diamond necklace my mother gave me...a symbol of her love.
I close my eyes and choose to believe that no matter what was, is and will be, somewhere deep inside her heart, my mother does love me.
~~a dove pendant with the word peace, hangs from a thin black rope from my rear view mirror from my sister. She sent it to me when I needed to be reminded that peace will come. That and our pinky swears express to me her love.
~~my favorite three small words, "my favorite aunt", warm my heart knowing where ever he may be under the scarborough horizon, my nephew loves me and knows he too is loved.
~~Two red wooden hearts hang on a rope from a post on the wall of my room, made by one of my sons when he was a wee child, cause a smile to surface and sweet memories to flood my mind.

What about you? Do you know that love is real? If not, perhaps you are looking in the wrong places.

The Journey

I got here from there - here being where I began my recent journey.

Where is here? A new day, as usually one day follows another.

Yesterday, as I woke to begin the journey that brought me here, I found myself in a wee state of confusion. Washington state actually but you know what I mean. :)

I am not use to getting up and having my own agenda. Most of my days are walking through the steps of driving, working and responsibilities. Some of the steps are giant, some are out of my comfort zone, some 'are what they are' but most of the steps fit me just fine.

I had more to do than time yesterday - typical. I accomplished what I could, then moved on to greeting the rest of my day.

~~

Have you ever had to share your feelings when you weren't ready or prepared? Maybe you don't know where to begin or what the person you are facing is waiting to hear, what their expectations are. I try to take that into consideration before I respond.

To be honest, oftentimes I know exactly what I want to say but the words come out in a jumble as if I were Charlie Brown's school teacher. My mouth feels like mush as I stumble over words. I think my brain does not like to cooperate with my mouth, at least that's my theory.

~~
As the morning continued on, I went out to my car and found the windshield was frozen. I reached in my car and grabbed for the bottle of de-icer my son gave me. It helped with the outside of the windshield but I discovered that the inside had frost on it too. ...go figure! Perhaps if I drive this puppy out on the road where the sun is shining, the ice will melt faster and I can get on with my agenda.

....and so it was, I headed out onto the road having my windows rolled down so I could see cars and the road, along with continually taking wipes at the inside of the windshield so I could see more clearly. Thing is, when I reached my first stop, the car's windows were really not in drive mode. They were still frozen in areas causing blind spots and certainly not safe. The sun did what it could to assist but I should have done more before I left.

Same with my life....the road that I am moving on is unclear causing me to make turns and motions where I did not intend to. Like the sun, others that mean no harm when they attempt to assist me but it is my life after all, and I really do need to make it on my own.

Bottom line...I woke up with a feeling inside as I have most mornings, kinda sorta as if I am carrying a weight that is not intended to be mine. A way is coming out of this drought and I won't give up thinking that perhaps today might be that day. While this storm is breaking, I need to keep on heading on down the road of life, a life I know that has been patiently waiting for me.

Who Really Knows

Here I am again, facing another day holding onto words that I should have spoken and an overflowing handful of things I need to do but the words I try to speak don't seem to form. I am having difficulty expressing my desires, my needs and feelings. What is with that?

A lack of time keeps me from tending to tasks.

I have a flash light - in case I get lost in the dark.
I have my family and friends - who remind me who I am and that I am loved.
I have a compass and a globe - I even have a gps but I still get lost sometimes.

Life I found, has a way of speeding by and does not slow down long enough to wave. There is a place where time does stand still...it is under glass and inside of a frame. I don't want to stand still but I do wish time could slow down a bit, giving me opportunity to jump on the highway of life.

And if I had my way, that highway would take me along a path where nothing shatters and breaks, hearts don't hurt or ache. There would be mountains to climb and rivers that flow, lakes that lay still like sheets on a fresh made bed and mirror the hills and tall green trees. The weather would be my choice...or yours. I could come as I am, whether in levi's and shirt or a party dress and heels. I would be accepted...just as I am. I would walk a contented step or two as I listen to ...

I Believe

~in doing what I can

~life is like a jungle

~giving every new day my very best

~in crying

~in laughing

~the more your trust, the more you're bound to lose

When push comes to shove
You'll taste what you're made of

You might bend
You might break
Cause it's all you can take

When you decide you've had enough
You get mad
You get strong
Wipe your head
Shake it off

Then

You stand

I Always Find Me

You can run but you can't hide...so I've heard it said. Not that I should run, at my age, running could be a dangerous event! Hip joints could give out, knees could buckle, my make-up might even run. :)

I didn't run away but kinda sorta tried to escape or hide away, from the person I had become due to life circumstances.

I was kinda sorta successful. I am becoming a new person. I smile more. I hear myself laugh and look to see who it is as in the past, laughter was not one of the sounds I made. Purring when I sleep...maybe more like a lion (at least that is what my kids report) than a kitten but purring all the same, is a sound I am familiar with. A sigh was an often time sound I made. I worked on stopping the sighs when I would hear them. I didn't want to interfere with anyone's well being. At work I had to make frequent phone calls to one of the secretaries. One day she said to me...."I knew it was you by the sigh you just made."

Oh bother. I felt terrible that I had worked so hard on pretending all was well in my life and yet I let the sighs slip out.

so...my style of clothes is new and my hair color is new. I went back to the color my hair was as a teen. When I turned 19, my dark brown hair began to ...ahem...sparkle with shades of gray. Being the lady that I am, I experimented over the years with shades of blonde and light brown shades. The day came when I had stepped out from the world I was living in, and I darkened my hair color. I was told that a lady of my age should never wear dark hair as it only ages me. Hmmmm I gave it a thought or two and decided that I had just left a long time relationship where I was dictated to and never given a chance to make my own decisions and opted out of their choice for me and my hair.

Ok...so I am rambling but after all, this is pinkramblerramblings. :)

Why am I rambling? Mostly because I am upset and out of sorts at the moment. I can't seem to focus or gather reasonable thoughts due to a conversation I had this morning with someone.

I'm in the car, driving. I guess that is what the car is for....giggle. The passenger (not a stranger) says to me, "So, why did you want to pick me up?"

grrrrrrrrrrr

I did not say that out loud but I wanted to. I knew from the way they asked me, that the passenger thought I wanted to be with them for reasons other than giving them a ride. grrrrrrrrr Yes, another grrrr made it's way to my inner voice, all the while I kept my hands FIRMLY gripped into the steering wheel and viewed the road ahead of me, acting as if I were very busy focusing on traffic, giving me time to consider a proper and clear response.

The old me would have allowed the passenger to believe that what they thought was true, really was. Does that make sense? Seemed easier for me in the past, to go that route rather than voicing my feelings. However, the new me spoke my mind....

"Wait a minute. The conversation yesterday went this way....I live five minutes from your location this morning. You needed a ride. The only person at the time other than me that could give you a ride was 40 minutes away. I felt it would be the wisest choice."

Hmmm, silence fell like dumbbells in a weight room. That was the end of that conversation.

The silence was too much for me and the drive was going to be far too long to allow it to last. I was feeling a bit of anger which caused me to be brave so I piped up, "Is there a reason you have not shared our relationship with your group of friends? You know how uncomfortable it was for me to meet your friend just now and have him invite me to join you for an event as if our relationship was something that it is not? Why is it you kept silent and did not tell him who I am in your life?"

The response I got from my passenger was familiar territory for me to hear out of their mouth and gave me unwanted memories of what life was like back on 'the ranch'. However, I did feel content in getting out my feelings.

It didn't end there but as you must know by now, there is never a short story in my life. ...and so the passenger asks me a random question - we moved to random chat. I guess we both could sense the friction in the air. In response to his random question I gave a random answer to which the passenger turns their body in my direction, points a finger waaaayyyyyyyy to close to 'my space', raises their voice and kinda sorta chews me out.

To which I began to well up with tears and my face did this kinda sorta Samantha from Bewitched nose and mouth twitching thing. Not cute at all and an obvious nervous sign. The passenger noticed and began the familiar routine of apologizing but blaming it all on the fact that he can't help but speak with a raised voice because it seems, the passenger works with a bunch of guys that give that person a hard time so a raised voice and good finger pointing to is the ONLY WAY to handle such situations.

I wanted to giggle...I was on the edge of insanity. I was upset with myself that no matter how far I have gone away in distance from my past, the same ol' me remains where I allow the face tapping, the tears to well up, fears return and my Samantha twitching. arg! I wanted to ask the passenger how many times were they going to blame share. I wanted to open the passenger door and let the passenger out. However, the drive continued and I told the passenger that I forgave them because that is the thing to do.

more...you bet there is more

I could feel eyes on me. You know that feeling? I knew the passenger was looking my way and wondered what was up. Then I heard words that made me cringe....I prefer not to share what they said but the passenger expressed how they feel about me, although nice words, not what I felt was appropriate to say at this point.

I had enough. I pulled the car off into a ditch...giggle..safely to the side of the road. I looked them straight in the eye and began to express what had happened and how 'it went down' years ago when the passenger had told me of an event they had participated in, which began the breakdown of our relationship and the breaking of my heart.

Silence again. This time it was a quiet unsettling kind of thing. My stomach was in knots the size of Texas. I had no idea how the passenger felt because they said nothing and began viewing the side of the road. Hmmm guess it is time to get this trip over with.

A few short feet from their doorstep, the passenger turns to me and said, "Now I am more clear on where you are coming from. I'm sorry."

Maybe I have a cruel portion in my heart but for the life of me, I could not find a way to say that I forgive them. Fact is, I don't think I have. Every time I think on what happened, I get a bit angry so I know total forgiveness has not occurred. Perhaps in time....

So here I am, typing away, getting out how I feel in hopes it will help me sort it out and get past it so I can have a productive night at work rather than having the mornings events stewing in my head and heart.

I am not fully yet the person I want to become, but I am so glad that I have finally found my voice and am learning to speak up on my behalf.

Now....on to the next person I need to talk to. I wonder if there is a brave potion to take ....

The sun is bright
I feel it's warmth
The clouds drift across the clear blue sky
It is summer time
But only in my mind


My heart is certain of what words
I need to speak now
Even if I only utter them softly
Even if you don't hear them
At least they are out there
Then maybe I can find rest
Then maybe you can too

.... and so she asked, "How are you feeling today?"

I feel a bit of distress, confusion, controlled, like I am trying to move on and move forward, yet I see that I am instead, taking steps backwards. I feel angry with myself.

"When was the last time you felt peaceful?"

Hmmm. Moments come and go of peacefulness. They don't seem to last. I am not sure how once they arrive, to keep them. Is there a trick to that?

"What is it about those moments that cause the peace to leave you again?"

There are times when I feel I have every responsibility checked off of my list and I do something for me, like visit with friends or walk through a store and browse at nothing in particular. Then I get a text message that I allow to interrupt and the whole cycle starts all over again. You see, I have lived my entire life knowing that if I can make sure everyone around me is content, then I survive. It is time consuming and mind wearing.

"What could others do to help you feel content?"

You are asking me questions that I have no answers to. I have not experienced contentment long enough to know how it really feels nor do I know how to do that thing called relax.

and so I ponder what was said and how I felt inside
I gave thought to what she said, to what I said and much thought to what changes I need to make

change is hard when it deals with other people in my life
I don't want to ever be selfish but it seems there are times when a person needs to do for themselves in order to be a more productive and healthy being

so I move on....

content with the past because it is a done deal, there is nothing I can do to change the past and keeping myself trapped in the past is not helping me at all

believe I will find strength in my moments of weakness

keep clear of people who, not intentionally meaning me harm, never allow me to change

recognize and embrace the life that has been patiently waiting for me

and

....as I move on,
I know there are no guarantees but I also know that I am not alone

Feelings

Winter without Christmas

Summer with no Fourth of July

A train bound for Paris that passes right on by

Heavy clouds that never rain

Chocolate cake without the icing

Sleep but never dream

Indigo sky without the starlight shining


Lately I feel

Lost on the blue horizon

Words

God doesn't give you the people you want
He gives you the people you NEED
To help you,
to hurt you,
to leave you,
to love you
and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Those are words someone sent me and I read in my inbox this morning. Not words I wanted to read nor did I like the way they caused me to feel.

I don't want to invite people into my world that will hurt me. People who cause me to feel like I am a candle in a hurricane, alone and helpless, unable to stand on my own and too weary to fight until the flame is no more...

Some days I feel as though I bend for others, until I reach a breaking point. That's when I feel as though I begin to fall over the edge of my life into a deep canyon.

Maybe it is then that I can stand up and discover a small but significant piece of me, of who I am becoming, falling into place. Maybe it will be then that I can start to live...

Life Is Like A Road

Life is like a road that you travel on.
One day you are here and the next day gone.
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand.
On some days, you have to turn your back to the wind.

I know there is a world on the other side of this darkened road,
maybe it's just around the bend.
A road that will lead to where sadness and tears won't haunt me anymore.
I am praying for daylight and waiting for that morning sunrise.
Maybe then I can act like my whole life isn't going wrong.

now and then

rise and greet the day
before the sun has a chance to wake

why

it's another story for another day

the reason
doesn't seem to matter much now
but all the same
it is what it is
which continues to be my pattern

some things from my past
won't let go

rise
work
work some more
deal with life interruptions
say hello to friends
eat - now and then
listen to music while I am on the road
day dream
play cards with my sons
long for the warm golden sun
to warm me
sleep - now and then

it is what it is
it is just another day

Today

I sit here, on the couch with laptop in well...my lap. I have to prop a pillow behind my back as this couch must of been meant for someone with long legs. :)

It is only 3:20 in the afternoon but it feels like I have endured a few days worth in just the few hours I have been up.

The morning started off pretty much with routine stuff, that is until I headed out to my car. I had sat in this very spot in the early hours of this Monday morn, deciding that going out and start my car early to warm it up was a good idea. Then about 6:15 a.m., when I was about to leave for work, I realized warming my car up ahead of time, was not going to happen. There is always too much to get done in the bit of free time that I have. Oh bother

regressing....

I had checked my email, replied, clicked send, only to find the screen turn to a transparent color. Hmmm Seems the internet shut itself down. I spent a good ten minutes turning on and off the internet box, (that's what most women do when things don't work right...giggle). I gave up, took a shower and got dressed. In the meantime, a friend I send text messages to each morning, was today of all days, sending me more than the norm. Seems she had a lot to say. Mostly she was telling me songs I needed to listen to. I took time in between there to jot down the songs to check out later...when I had time - as if that were a possibility! :)

...and so it was, I had my purse - check. Coffee cup - check. Keys in hand - check.

I head out the door, locking it behind me. As I opened the entrance door of the apartment complex, I noticed my car was shimmering. Oh goodie, I get to drive to work with bling. I like bling! I attempt to insert the key into the lock. Hmmmm -it was a no go. I remembered that a friend had told me to heat my car door key up with a lighter so I gave it a try. Tada, it worked!

Part two as there is always more when I tell a story. The door is unlocked but the door refuses to open. Seems the 29 degree weather causes car doors to stick. Hmm....can't use a lighter on the door now can I....... I pondered the thought then gave the door another pull, and another. The door opened with a frosty crunching noise. It was too funny and a neat story to share with someone but no one was around and texting was out of the question.

I get in drive down the road and make a quick stop to pick up a salad for lunch. I have a standing lunch date with a co worker on Mondays and we always have salad. What should have been a few minute stop turned into a too long wait. Seems other folks have figured out how nice it is to shop early in the morning. How did my secret get out?

I am heading to work at that point, letting go of the minor frustrations of the morning. Snow is falling and as I reach work, the snow is thicker and more steady in its arrival. I dismissed the snow knowing I had a day off from my second job so no rush in getting home. I did not have to let the worry of a lot of snowfall concern me. I was planning to stop to visit a friend then was heading to the home of another friend for dinner. What could be a nicer way to end a day?

My morning job keeps me hopping from building to building. I have no particular place to keep my things (a girl 'gots' to have things), so I lug them along with me on my travels. At midway through my day, I stop for lunch and check my phone messages. The gal who was suppose to work for me Monday night at my second job, leaves me a message that because of the snow, she can't make it to work. My lunch time is short so I rush to make phone calls to cancel my 'me' time. I ran out of time so I headed back into work without even taking one bite of my salad. Oh, I forgot to mention, the gal I have lunch with on Mondays is absent. Argg. However, the up side to that is I had time to make the needed phone calls.

A couple of hours before work is over, several employees came to me stating the highway is covered in snow and is only going to get worse so I should head out early in order to make it to my second job. That meant a lot of arranging, looking around for a sub, letting other staff members know I would be gone....

I was already tired from working a longer than normal shift the night before, now for certain my brain was weary. In between I was getting more text messages and a frantic phone call from my mother, to respond to. I handled what I could and decided to focus on the tasks at hand rather than let my mind wander into the feelings that were emerging. I quit calling for Calgon to take me away. Now I have the airlines on my speed dial figuring some day they will allow a flight to Cancun take me away.

Things were in somewhat order, I take off from work and see that the roads are not as bad as stated. I did slide a bit here and there on slush but nothing major. I got home, put groceries away - did I mention that stop - put my laundry in the washer, made a few more phone calls and sent a few more text messages to settle a bit of chaos.

I have thirty minutes before heading into work at my second job. I fear if I sit here much longer, my head will begin to lean and I will fall into slumber land. I feel better getting my too busy day into words so I get let it go and get on with the rest of my day.

I have decided to focus on work for now and when my shift is over, I will come home to my new bestest friend, my bed! My bed never asks anything of me. My bed is always waiting for me. It keeps me warm. When I want to feel protected from the world, I pull the covers up tight, snuggle in, lay my head on the soft pillow, close my eyes and find rest. ahhh rest

interminable

Last night I walked quickly back to the time clock to check out. I chatted for a bit with fellow associates, grabbed the wadded up clothes from my locker and headed towards the front door. I had to change my clothes at work and beings that my locker is so small, I have to stuff my things in there. It seems wrinkles are everywhere in my life now....on my aging face and on my wadded up clothing. giggle

At the front door, good nights were exchanged and thank you for your hard work to us from the manager. It is always nice to hear that you are appreciated. The manager is a great guy, in fact, I am blessed that the boss at my other job is a great guy too!

The wind was blowing big time! Shopping carts were everywhere earlier that evening. One had even blown into one of the driveway entrances. A few of us stopped a moment near our vehicles to share last minute conversation. It has been great getting to know them and making new friends. I choose to make friends with those I work with rather than just having a working relationship. It seems to make work more enjoyable to me, as if I were working with family.

I got on the freeway and headed toward my destination, a store where I needed to pick up a few things. There was debris all over the road from the wild wind. Barrels lined the freeway where construction was going on. With the wind, the barrels and rain coming down, it made it difficult to decipher exactly where the exit was. Don't laugh too loudly, but at one point, I took a slight exit only to find I was simply driving on the other side of the barrels for a bit, which was not an exit I intended to make but rather a private lane for me to ride along. Most likely very entertaining - or alarming - to the other motorists. :)

At last my real live exit! Or at least I thought it was. I took the exit before my exit which meant more maneuvering and a u-turn at one point. As I drove into Grand Mound, I could see nothing but darkness. The electricity had gone out in the whole area. Even the stop lights were dark. Very few were on the road at that time so when I did reach the major stop light, people were polite in taking turns with stopping and going. A mile down the road, I pulled into the parking lot of the store I needed to stop at and found it was dark. grrrrrrrr

I made a loop and headed for home all the while pondering.....

how very much this night drive parallels my life and if by chance there were women out there who are able to cruise right through middle age without ever stopping to ask in dismay and disbelief, How did I end up here? At that moment I was unable to find a bright spot to focus on. I wondered if I would ever feel normal and if summer will ever return.

~~

A new day

I am always thankful for a new day and look forward to the adventures that lay ahead. I was reading poems this morning and found one that made me smile, gave me hope and caused me to want to share...

God is like a DJ,
Life is like a dance floor.
Love is like a song.

Enjoy your day!

Do I Have A Chance At All?

...and so she said to me, "Recently, I've had to use the very tools I taught children over the years, in dealing with bullies, in my own life. Ignore their behavior, I would tell them, that way you end up the winner. Inside it hurts to be around them. Who wants to spend your days dealing with bullies?"

She went on to say that she doesn't understand what keeps happening anymore. Why is it she finds herself not only bullied but also in controlling relationships.

People here and there who-
question where she is going
and with whom
when will she return

People who-
make statements that question what she eats and when
what color her hair is
how much she weighs
how she manages her days and nights

Perhaps they think it is called caring. In her mind it seemed to feel more like control issues. After all, she has had a lot of experience in that area.

I wondered if she would ever find a meaningful and healthy relationship. We talked until late last night, drawing the conclusion that she had many friends in her life that edified who she is, which was very encouraging to her. The ones that she called friends but swayed over the edge of controlling her, were not healthy relationships. Being 'too kind' to speak up verbally to them in defense of her actions, she opted to rebuild the glass wall of protection...again.

Major bummer. The glass wall that she had carefully sculpted around herself during the years past, had shattered not so long ago and far away in time. She felt far too vulnerable now again, in a world she was unsure of.

"Yes, a new wall that will be taller, thicker and would stand the storms of life and protect me from those who mean harm, whether they realize it or not. Solitude would be my companion."

I hope the time she spends behind her new built wall will not become a place she gets too use to. Maybe she will find confidence in who she is becoming, to speak up for herself, if only inside, when hurtful comments and accusations dance their way into her heart.

I have felt it all,
from the sweetest kiss,
to the hurtful words,
and yet my heart,
is neither here nor there,
neither empty nor full,
neither broken nor whole.

Tell me, do I have a chance at all?

Dwindling Sunlight

The only trust required
is to know
that when there is one ending
there will be another beginning.

It was dark when I headed to work yesterday morning and yet I knew that beyond the mask of darkness, the sky was still there, the sun would rise soon and a new day was waiting for me. I held hope in my heart, I don't know how else to live. For me, taking breathes and steps through each day is not living, it's not enough.

A dear friend of mine has not gotten there yet. Something holds her back and I am unclear how to help her. I wish for her a butterfly life. Not short like a butterfly but the ability to feel lighter than air, with burdens lifted and fly through her days.

You have to want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. When a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it kinda sorta dies. However, what looks like death is really when you start to live.

Does that make sense?

In its own way, summer has once again died. The greens of high summer soften into autumn's mellow hue's. Life will still go on.

~~

I put the key into the doorknob and turned it until I heard the click. Such a tiny noise but it makes me feel secure, knowing that with one tiny act from me, my sanctuary and the little it holds, is safe as it can be. Why then have I not found a key that protects my heart in the same simplistic manner.

....and so she said to me, "I'm dying."

How was I to respond? Was it a statement she wanted a response to or was it a way of asking for help?

I was unsure mostly because I don't know her well. Funny how you can spend a life time with someone and not really know them. Some people are good at wearing masks, they don't know how else to exist. Truthfully, it is very sad but at the same time, frustrating. All the same, I can relate.

I don't know how to be of help
what tools can I possibly offer

And yet, it was kinda sorta out there....the request to help.

She talks to me of Alice and the White Rabbit. How there was a room where potions could make you small or tall, changing your body form. Changing the outside does not make the inside any different at all. You can smile but not feel the joy inside that a smile displays. In her life, I wish her many days of sincere smiles that fill her heart to overflowing.

I hear in her voice and words that her well has run dry. She can't find the plus in the positive thinking. She wants to sound off but can't find the words to accomplish the tasks that need to be completed. In her world, dark clouds form overhead. It feels as though the sky will fall. At night, when she sits in her room alone, the most active company she keeps is the clock that stares back at her.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. I could hear how hard it had gotten for her just to take a breathe. It was as if all of her energy was gone with nothing left to do but focus on her next breathe. It was my hope that she would not give up on that also. My hope is that in her time of waiting, even though she grows weary, there will be a moment of dawn that will inspire to keep moving on and believe that the sunrise will return.

I wish for her strength to make it through another day, even though the days to her, seem like an uphill climb. At this point, it seems that is all she knows. Her wheels spin. She digs her heels in. She is trying to do her best, at least I think she is. What holds her back is the fear of falling again.


Dear friend, I know the pain you hold on to is real. I wish you could instead, hold on to the concept that you will survive. I wish you could wake this morning and decide to let go of the fears that hang around and not feel that you are on the edge. I think it will be then that you find out what others have discovered - there isn't an easy way out and even though it might not look that way, you will live to fight another day. Maybe the feelings that you have will kinda sorta remind you that you are alive.

I love you
Try not to be afraid



A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we could not produce the pearl.

Missing In Action

Tis true, I have been missing in action, both on posting/writing, and in living my life. It is at times, difficult to move through the forest when there are so many obstacles in the path. Fallen trees to climb over, critters scampering about and sounds in the distance that cause me to pause and wonder if I am headed in the right direction. At times, I feel I am going around in circles. Seems I find myself passing through areas that I just walked through....then I wonder what is with that! Why can't I find a path that will lead me to somewhere other than the cottage that Hansel and Gretel came upon. Where is Christopher Robin? I know he would assist me.... :)

I have been consumed with life. Hmmm perhaps it is more that life at this time, has found a way to consume almost every moment of my days.

Can you relate?

I moved recently. I have a new roommate. The kindest, considerate and most handsome man in this part of the hundred acre woods...one of my sons! Thought I should throw that in there before you begin wondering just who I am living with. I love my new apartment. It is safe. That was the most important thing to me. It is well lit up and comes with weekend entertainment as there is a high school across the street with the football field in view. I can hear the announcer giving out details of who is running the field and on what yard line....not that I would really know what that meant. I am not a football fan. I don't care to watch 'the guys' do the full body slam when they greet each other or see how aggressive the players get. Why can't they do a simple 'high five'? Doesn't that seem more gentle? Next time there is a vote on how football players greet each other on the field, I am voting for a high five...cause I JUST KNOW they are going to ask for my input. :)

However, I do enjoy hearing how excited the fans get. Yes, my apartment is close enough to hear them too!

...and so it was, I headed to work once again. The drive is long but still amazingly beautiful. With the time change, the sky is not so dark. I could see the lake when I drove over it just before heading into Mossyrock. It is like the grand finale for me. When I drive over the bridge and view the lake, I know my sons are just moments away. I know my job that awaits me is moments away. I adore my children and cherish the people I work with.

As I continued on the highway, I sipped on my coffee. Mmmmm I love coffee.

Perhaps a plethora of things should be on my mind when I wake up but mostly I think about how quickly I can make it to the kitchen for that first hot cup of coffee. Ya I know, I have an exciting life that you must surely be jealous of. :)

It was a short work day. I was thankful for the break in between my jobs to have an hour or two extra to fit in some things on my to do list that has been lacking on my part, in crossing things off. I have discovered that no matter how early I rise or how late I stay up, the time in a day is all the same. I don't know how that works but I never seem to have enough hours in a day. Go figure!

New day...
The sun is out today. This morning, while I sat on the couch in my living room, I glanced out the window and saw an amazing sky. Mini clouds were pink, trimmed with dark blue, resting against a light blue sky. Ahhhhh I just might be enjoying a rain free day off!

Day off - hmmmm what to do first...
hop a quick flight to Cancun
call my mom
take a walk
watch a movie
ponder relationships
bake cookies

My granddaughter has been asking me to bake her some white cookies. I am unsure what a white cookie is but the adventure and joy of baking cookies for Willow is going to be a joy. I guess the decision is made. Now I just need to get moving............

Hopes and Peace

Where have the hope and peace gone?

Where are the missing parts to my kinda sorta life puzzle hiding. I need them to feel complete.

At the moment I feel anything but complete. Do you suppose a person never feels complete? Is there a place in life where we are settled and content then feel complete?

I am unsure about that and a lot of things these days.

~~

By the way, Roberta, yes I am a paraeductor in elementary in a tiny 100 acre woods. I clicked the wrong button and deleted your comment rather than publishing it. Can you relate?? :)

~~

The sun doesn't appear much any more. Maybe it is the season.

I've lost sight of what love is all about.

I feel like being quiet for no reason at all. Could it be that I talk in silence? At least it seems that way to me - like no one is listening to me. Maybe I have lost my words or don't say the right ones. For what ever the reason, lately it seems my words vanish leaving me to feel that they hold no value to anyone other than myself.

Laughter has turned to crying. Tears are on the edge of bursting forth each time I open my mouth to speak my mind. I have to work double hard to keep composure.

The future, well, it is unclear. I can't make any sense of events or some of my relationships.

Season are made for change. This stormy season is sticking around too long and that changes are overwhelming - more than I can bare.

I feel...

older

unable to care about anything

even the moon and stars could twinkle and glow brightly in the night sky without my noticing. Why - because I don't want to view the night sky for fear the moon and stars have refused to shine for me and have forgotten my name.

I feel...

alone

Here I go -

another day has made its presence known to me.

Here I go -

wrestling with questions that refuse an answer.

I begin my day on a path I take, unable to see what's in front of me. I lack understanding to deal with the day and where to turn on this path that seems laid out for me.

Lord Jesus, my strength is gone. Send Your perfect love for me. Make me whole. Rescue me from the storm that rages in me and around me.

Summer Vacation

Oh my, summer vacation from school seems so long ago but yet I have only been back at school for a few weeks. Ok, a few long weeks. I am not at all content or comfortable with my new position at the school. For the past few years, we paras return in September, unsure what our positions will be. I greatly respect our principal and know he is aware that I am there for the students and the school so will do most any position. I am the type of person that gets along with anyone....until now. I am struggling MAJOR in my current placement which causes me anxiety each day, starting when I wake up, and does not release until I reach my second job. There, I breathe, I laugh and enjoy what I do. bummer

However, seasons come and seasons go and this too shall pass.

Ok, so on to the blog that I intended to post this morning.

Some of what my summer taught me -

You can have as many dreams as your basket can hold

but they don't always manifest.

You can try to separate yourself

from the world around you

but reality always pulls you back.

Learn to deal with it in whatever ways you can

and however possible.

BBQ's are enjoyable but not when you are alone.

Good friends are priceless.

Hold them near and cherish them.

Ice tea comes in many forms and flavors with or without ice. :)

Be careful how long your to do list is.

I Have Discovered...

THE LONGER YOU REMAIN

A VICTIM

THE MORE DIFFICULT IT BECOMES

TO ESCAPE

Workings of My Mind

How can I begin to explain the workings of my mind or how my heart feels torn apart? It frightens me and causes me to shield my heart. Have you ever felt that way?

Some days I think folks in my world look on me as their personal entertainment. I pretend all is well, keeping a 'poker face', as they torment me with their words and actions.

As I attempt to leave what was before, it won't let me be.

It's been a hard task - this changing of my life.






~~




Today was a hard day to handle. I decided to get some help. My choice was a snickers bar or Starbucks. Dark Cherry Mocha won. I made my first stop on my long list of to do's, at Starbucks. Not as successful as I had hoped in being a remedy but it did taste very good.

I made two important phone calls that actually, were someone elses responsibility. Getting that out of the way, I drove to the next place to tend to on my list and found it was closed for the day. Hmmm

The next item on my list was another phone call. The answering party insisted the conversation had to take place in person. Oh bother, my mind said in Pooh Bear fashion.

On to my next stop to make a purchase. Parking was great that time of the day as most folks were at work. I found what I needed and headed up to the register. No one waiting in line...yippee Then, my wallet dropped, spilling out a majority of its contents onto the floor. Kinda sorta felt like a comparison to my life as lately I feel it too is being dropped out in pieces on the ground, so actually rather fitting for this day.


Back in my car and on the road, after stuffing the cards and slips of paper back into my wallet which meant another added chore later in the day to place them where they are suppose to be. Yes, my wallet has a zipper on it but I find too time consuming to zip and unzip. Can you relate?

While driving along the road, I heard my cell phone event alert go off. I picked it up from off the passenger seat and noticed that along with the alert, I had several text messages and two returned phone calls to respond to.


At that moment, I was a voice of words but had an ocean of tears taking over, so I put the phone back down on the seat and continued on my drive and to do list, adding to that list, the text messages and phone calls I would have to deal with later in the day.









Ah, what I wouldn't give for a moment of dawn. To see and feel the hope of light beginning to make an entrance on the horizon...

The drive

...and so it was, the morning had come for one of my final appointments with legal aid as I continue to deal with my divorce after 31 years of marriage, five children and four grandchildren.



I must have checked my paperwork 5 times or more, making certain the i's were dotted, the t's were crossed and all of the blanks were filled in.



I showered, taking a little longer than the norm. No reason in particular but it felt like a necessary thing to do. My hair turned out well that morning, my hair dryer was feeling kindly towards me.



I left the house at an exact time. My usual is to be early to where ever I am going, thus not keeping people waiting and giving myself time to adjust to my destination. That day was different, an official sort of day kinda sorta like this coming Friday will be when I have to appear in court to let the judge of this county know that I indeed did know what I was doing when I began this process and yes, I do still feel the same way and want to proceed.



I suppose it is fair to give people that last minute option of changing their minds when they appear before the judge, having waited 90 days. I would hope no one would go that far unless they were certain of the choice they had made, and would want to be done with the added pain of this process which is how I feel. Appearing before the judge is more than I can handle. When I think about it, I visualize it as the stamp, kinda sorta making what felt like a very long bad dream, become real.



I have nothing against the judge. I actually met her once before and she was rather kind but very business like. I simply feel that enough is enough and wonder why the process of divorce is so painful and difficult to go through. I suppose their is a reason for everything and sometimes, we just won't understand or know in this lifetime. All the same, it matters to me and I wish it didn't have to be.



As ready as I could be and with papers in hand, I headed out the door and got into my car. I settled myself in and made sure the files of papers were secure, not wanting any of them to slip out of the folders. It took some time to get them together and I did not want to take time now to figure out which order they go in.



As I headed down the road towards town, the street was barren. I was distracted from the ugly task at hand by pondering if people that must occupy the quiet homes I passed, were all about there daily routines, very much unlike what I was doing. Or were there still folks at home with their heads pressed against the window, watching the kinda sorta procession of my drive that morning. It felt like a funeral I was driving towards - a death of sorts. A marriage ends, lives change forever as divorce affects many people and alters many areas of our life.



But life does go on and I am sure I will make it through the days ahead. However, at that moment, on my drive, I could feel heat rushing to my cheeks. As I glanced in the rear view mirror, I saw they were bright pink. Must of been my blood pressure rising from the uncomfortableness of that mornings process. It is not my nature to be unkind and I felt I was being unkind to my husband in filing these papers but knew also that it is a necessary event.



Only three miles away from my appointment, I reached into my purse and pulled out a bottle of medication that I take to calm my nerves. I wondered if it would kick in before I reached Legal Aid.



I tried to rationalize why I was feeling the way I was. Kinda sorta like self therapy. What I am working through and dealing with is necessary and what I want to do and need to do for many reasons.



Five days from today I will be free from this marriage and all of this paper work, meetings and explanations, but most likely, never free from the scars. Some scars never heal.

Prisoner

Some of us are prisoners and don't know it. We are held captive by people, situations or compulsions that are so much a part of our lives, that we don't recognize them.

I know of some women who are prisoners to shopping. They even went to a class to help them get over their strong desire to SHOP. Seems they can't pass a store without going in to buy products whether they need them or not. My bank account is always on my mind and won't allow me to enter that captivity.

Some are held captive by drugs, smoking or anger.

People prisoners....hmmm. That to me, would be when you allow others to dictate what you do, where you go, how you do it and when. Sometimes though, I don't think you can avoid being held as a captive in some situations. You have to comply with what is dictated to you in order to keep your job or to survive a relationship with some sanity when there is no escape route.

The prison ward I live in is with others who allow themselves to be held captive by people. The problem is, I put others way to far before my own needs and being kinda sorta meek, I tend to not speak up for myself. So I suppose then, it is a self-made captivity.

I am aware of what I do and in some cases I have found an escape. In some areas of my life I don't have an escape, so I endure the best I can.

I don't know why it seems I have spent most of my life surrounded by controlling people. Maybe it is that I am not as strong as others who do speak up for themselves, so I am not surrounded really then, by any more controlling people than anyone else is.

Experience has taught me that when I do speak up for myself, I end up paying a price I am not willing to give in to. Such as when my speaking up caused people who are close to me to endure the wrath. I prefer to take the punishment myself than to have others pay the price.

I am at the beginning stages of a new life. I want to be the same caring person that I have always been but hope to learn some lessons on being assertive without interfering with the well being of others. I am not sure how to go about it, how to learn to speak up for my rights without causing anyone else to pay the price or hurting the prison wardens feelings.

It might sound like crazy talk but sometimes that is where my mind wanders to...Crazy Town.

One thing I have learned is that you can be alive and breathing without actually living.