Is it only for a chosen few to have hope. That's more of a statement than a question.

When you find yourself in Brokenville, USA, do they dish up a plate of hope at the Corner Cafe? Will it be tasty or will I have to pour ketchup on my meal?

Hope that my mindset can be gently altered with a changed and new life.

Hope that the broken unhealed past will one day find me living in Contentville, USA.

Hope for time, direction and clarity.

Hope that not a moment of this life is being wasted.

Hope that my unspoken words will be heard and understood.

Hope to be stronger as pieces to the puzzle of life fall into place.

One look in the mirror and I can see the look in my eyes of fading hope.

Maybe I never lost hope at all, maybe hope lost me.

Beautiful World

Strawberry lips shining in the summer sun
Canary-tips glowing there for everyone
You fell asleep under the cherry tree
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here

Your winter skin warming in the summer sun [summer sun]
We know within you will stay forever young [forever young]

You fell asleep under the starlit sea
It's time to wake up
The moon is high above you
We're all here 'cause we love you
And when you finally open your eyes and ears
You'll see and you'll hear us sing

La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world
It's a beautiful world

You fell asleep under the starlit sea
It's time to wake up
The moon is high above you
We're all here 'cause we love you
And when you finally open your eyes and ears
You'll see and you'll hear us sing

La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world we're all here
La La La La La
It's a beautiful world [It's a beautiful world]
It's a beautiful world

So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinning on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out

The Winds Of Change

I just finished talking to someone who told me they feel the same way I do....most alone when I am in a crowd. hmmm

Last night I was sitting in my bed with pillows stacked behind my back, watching Terminal with Tom Hanks when it came to me....I feel the most comforted in my bed. It is the only place where I am the most comforted. It is where I can dream any dream I choose, be kept warm, have papers I am working on scattered all across the comforter and no one complains. Although I am alone, I don't feel alone. Does that make sense?

I spent Thursday morning with one of my sons. We went shopping, ordered Chinese take out them came back to my apartment and nibbled on Sweet and Sour Chicken. I loved the hot mustard but my son twisted up his face when he dipped a piece of chicken in it and gave it a try. :) We watched some YouTube videos together, laughed and shared jokes.

The next day I had a fun day with another one of my sons. I learned after too many stressful 'dates' with my sons, that taking one out at a time works so much more smoothly. Perhaps they enjoy the break from each other. For sure they get more of my attention and time when we have our outings.

~~

I have a couple of friends who take me out of my comfort zone. I know what is coming sometimes and prepare myself to deal with it and kinda sorta go with the flow of things. Then there are times when the out of my comfort zone is a surprise.....kinda sorta sends me whirling and searching for an escape.

Not sure how I am going to deal with that. I kinda sorta feel like I am the one who is suppose to make the changes and become more open to their way of thinking and doing things. But, I kinda sorta like the way I do things....hmmm

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away

trying to find
where i belong

the search
goes on and on

as i contemplate
a change of place

Love Exists

The earth still turns on its orbit
Oceans ebb and flow
The sun rises and sets
Love exists
None can be held in your hand
And yet, they do exist.

The earth can't be held but I have felt it shake beneath my feet.

I have been to the ocean many times. I stood knee deep in ocean waves while I tightened my muscles just so I could stand firm. And yet, with all it's strength, the waves filtered through my fingers - they could not be held.

I adore how sunrises and sunsets paint and blanket the sky. However much on days like today, when cold winds blow and I yearn for warmth, I dare not, nor can I hold the sun.

Love - it is a state of being, an emotion that cannot be held. But I feel it and know it exists.

I feel it when

~~my youngest son says, "good night mom, I love you."
~~each time I touch my finger tips to the diamond necklace my mother gave me...a symbol of her love.
I close my eyes and choose to believe that no matter what was, is and will be, somewhere deep inside her heart, my mother does love me.
~~a dove pendant with the word peace, hangs from a thin black rope from my rear view mirror from my sister. She sent it to me when I needed to be reminded that peace will come. That and our pinky swears express to me her love.
~~my favorite three small words, "my favorite aunt", warm my heart knowing where ever he may be under the scarborough horizon, my nephew loves me and knows he too is loved.
~~Two red wooden hearts hang on a rope from a post on the wall of my room, made by one of my sons when he was a wee child, cause a smile to surface and sweet memories to flood my mind.

What about you? Do you know that love is real? If not, perhaps you are looking in the wrong places.

The Journey

I got here from there - here being where I began my recent journey.

Where is here? A new day, as usually one day follows another.

Yesterday, as I woke to begin the journey that brought me here, I found myself in a wee state of confusion. Washington state actually but you know what I mean. :)

I am not use to getting up and having my own agenda. Most of my days are walking through the steps of driving, working and responsibilities. Some of the steps are giant, some are out of my comfort zone, some 'are what they are' but most of the steps fit me just fine.

I had more to do than time yesterday - typical. I accomplished what I could, then moved on to greeting the rest of my day.

~~

Have you ever had to share your feelings when you weren't ready or prepared? Maybe you don't know where to begin or what the person you are facing is waiting to hear, what their expectations are. I try to take that into consideration before I respond.

To be honest, oftentimes I know exactly what I want to say but the words come out in a jumble as if I were Charlie Brown's school teacher. My mouth feels like mush as I stumble over words. I think my brain does not like to cooperate with my mouth, at least that's my theory.

~~
As the morning continued on, I went out to my car and found the windshield was frozen. I reached in my car and grabbed for the bottle of de-icer my son gave me. It helped with the outside of the windshield but I discovered that the inside had frost on it too. ...go figure! Perhaps if I drive this puppy out on the road where the sun is shining, the ice will melt faster and I can get on with my agenda.

....and so it was, I headed out onto the road having my windows rolled down so I could see cars and the road, along with continually taking wipes at the inside of the windshield so I could see more clearly. Thing is, when I reached my first stop, the car's windows were really not in drive mode. They were still frozen in areas causing blind spots and certainly not safe. The sun did what it could to assist but I should have done more before I left.

Same with my life....the road that I am moving on is unclear causing me to make turns and motions where I did not intend to. Like the sun, others that mean no harm when they attempt to assist me but it is my life after all, and I really do need to make it on my own.

Bottom line...I woke up with a feeling inside as I have most mornings, kinda sorta as if I am carrying a weight that is not intended to be mine. A way is coming out of this drought and I won't give up thinking that perhaps today might be that day. While this storm is breaking, I need to keep on heading on down the road of life, a life I know that has been patiently waiting for me.

Who Really Knows

Here I am again, facing another day holding onto words that I should have spoken and an overflowing handful of things I need to do but the words I try to speak don't seem to form. I am having difficulty expressing my desires, my needs and feelings. What is with that?

A lack of time keeps me from tending to tasks.

I have a flash light - in case I get lost in the dark.
I have my family and friends - who remind me who I am and that I am loved.
I have a compass and a globe - I even have a gps but I still get lost sometimes.

Life I found, has a way of speeding by and does not slow down long enough to wave. There is a place where time does stand still...it is under glass and inside of a frame. I don't want to stand still but I do wish time could slow down a bit, giving me opportunity to jump on the highway of life.

And if I had my way, that highway would take me along a path where nothing shatters and breaks, hearts don't hurt or ache. There would be mountains to climb and rivers that flow, lakes that lay still like sheets on a fresh made bed and mirror the hills and tall green trees. The weather would be my choice...or yours. I could come as I am, whether in levi's and shirt or a party dress and heels. I would be accepted...just as I am. I would walk a contented step or two as I listen to ...

I Believe

~in doing what I can

~life is like a jungle

~giving every new day my very best

~in crying

~in laughing

~the more your trust, the more you're bound to lose

When push comes to shove
You'll taste what you're made of

You might bend
You might break
Cause it's all you can take

When you decide you've had enough
You get mad
You get strong
Wipe your head
Shake it off

Then

You stand

I Always Find Me

You can run but you can't hide...so I've heard it said. Not that I should run, at my age, running could be a dangerous event! Hip joints could give out, knees could buckle, my make-up might even run. :)

I didn't run away but kinda sorta tried to escape or hide away, from the person I had become due to life circumstances.

I was kinda sorta successful. I am becoming a new person. I smile more. I hear myself laugh and look to see who it is as in the past, laughter was not one of the sounds I made. Purring when I sleep...maybe more like a lion (at least that is what my kids report) than a kitten but purring all the same, is a sound I am familiar with. A sigh was an often time sound I made. I worked on stopping the sighs when I would hear them. I didn't want to interfere with anyone's well being. At work I had to make frequent phone calls to one of the secretaries. One day she said to me...."I knew it was you by the sigh you just made."

Oh bother. I felt terrible that I had worked so hard on pretending all was well in my life and yet I let the sighs slip out.

so...my style of clothes is new and my hair color is new. I went back to the color my hair was as a teen. When I turned 19, my dark brown hair began to ...ahem...sparkle with shades of gray. Being the lady that I am, I experimented over the years with shades of blonde and light brown shades. The day came when I had stepped out from the world I was living in, and I darkened my hair color. I was told that a lady of my age should never wear dark hair as it only ages me. Hmmmm I gave it a thought or two and decided that I had just left a long time relationship where I was dictated to and never given a chance to make my own decisions and opted out of their choice for me and my hair.

Ok...so I am rambling but after all, this is pinkramblerramblings. :)

Why am I rambling? Mostly because I am upset and out of sorts at the moment. I can't seem to focus or gather reasonable thoughts due to a conversation I had this morning with someone.

I'm in the car, driving. I guess that is what the car is for....giggle. The passenger (not a stranger) says to me, "So, why did you want to pick me up?"

grrrrrrrrrrr

I did not say that out loud but I wanted to. I knew from the way they asked me, that the passenger thought I wanted to be with them for reasons other than giving them a ride. grrrrrrrrr Yes, another grrrr made it's way to my inner voice, all the while I kept my hands FIRMLY gripped into the steering wheel and viewed the road ahead of me, acting as if I were very busy focusing on traffic, giving me time to consider a proper and clear response.

The old me would have allowed the passenger to believe that what they thought was true, really was. Does that make sense? Seemed easier for me in the past, to go that route rather than voicing my feelings. However, the new me spoke my mind....

"Wait a minute. The conversation yesterday went this way....I live five minutes from your location this morning. You needed a ride. The only person at the time other than me that could give you a ride was 40 minutes away. I felt it would be the wisest choice."

Hmmm, silence fell like dumbbells in a weight room. That was the end of that conversation.

The silence was too much for me and the drive was going to be far too long to allow it to last. I was feeling a bit of anger which caused me to be brave so I piped up, "Is there a reason you have not shared our relationship with your group of friends? You know how uncomfortable it was for me to meet your friend just now and have him invite me to join you for an event as if our relationship was something that it is not? Why is it you kept silent and did not tell him who I am in your life?"

The response I got from my passenger was familiar territory for me to hear out of their mouth and gave me unwanted memories of what life was like back on 'the ranch'. However, I did feel content in getting out my feelings.

It didn't end there but as you must know by now, there is never a short story in my life. ...and so the passenger asks me a random question - we moved to random chat. I guess we both could sense the friction in the air. In response to his random question I gave a random answer to which the passenger turns their body in my direction, points a finger waaaayyyyyyyy to close to 'my space', raises their voice and kinda sorta chews me out.

To which I began to well up with tears and my face did this kinda sorta Samantha from Bewitched nose and mouth twitching thing. Not cute at all and an obvious nervous sign. The passenger noticed and began the familiar routine of apologizing but blaming it all on the fact that he can't help but speak with a raised voice because it seems, the passenger works with a bunch of guys that give that person a hard time so a raised voice and good finger pointing to is the ONLY WAY to handle such situations.

I wanted to giggle...I was on the edge of insanity. I was upset with myself that no matter how far I have gone away in distance from my past, the same ol' me remains where I allow the face tapping, the tears to well up, fears return and my Samantha twitching. arg! I wanted to ask the passenger how many times were they going to blame share. I wanted to open the passenger door and let the passenger out. However, the drive continued and I told the passenger that I forgave them because that is the thing to do.

more...you bet there is more

I could feel eyes on me. You know that feeling? I knew the passenger was looking my way and wondered what was up. Then I heard words that made me cringe....I prefer not to share what they said but the passenger expressed how they feel about me, although nice words, not what I felt was appropriate to say at this point.

I had enough. I pulled the car off into a ditch...giggle..safely to the side of the road. I looked them straight in the eye and began to express what had happened and how 'it went down' years ago when the passenger had told me of an event they had participated in, which began the breakdown of our relationship and the breaking of my heart.

Silence again. This time it was a quiet unsettling kind of thing. My stomach was in knots the size of Texas. I had no idea how the passenger felt because they said nothing and began viewing the side of the road. Hmmm guess it is time to get this trip over with.

A few short feet from their doorstep, the passenger turns to me and said, "Now I am more clear on where you are coming from. I'm sorry."

Maybe I have a cruel portion in my heart but for the life of me, I could not find a way to say that I forgive them. Fact is, I don't think I have. Every time I think on what happened, I get a bit angry so I know total forgiveness has not occurred. Perhaps in time....

So here I am, typing away, getting out how I feel in hopes it will help me sort it out and get past it so I can have a productive night at work rather than having the mornings events stewing in my head and heart.

I am not fully yet the person I want to become, but I am so glad that I have finally found my voice and am learning to speak up on my behalf.

Now....on to the next person I need to talk to. I wonder if there is a brave potion to take ....

The sun is bright
I feel it's warmth
The clouds drift across the clear blue sky
It is summer time
But only in my mind


My heart is certain of what words
I need to speak now
Even if I only utter them softly
Even if you don't hear them
At least they are out there
Then maybe I can find rest
Then maybe you can too

.... and so she asked, "How are you feeling today?"

I feel a bit of distress, confusion, controlled, like I am trying to move on and move forward, yet I see that I am instead, taking steps backwards. I feel angry with myself.

"When was the last time you felt peaceful?"

Hmmm. Moments come and go of peacefulness. They don't seem to last. I am not sure how once they arrive, to keep them. Is there a trick to that?

"What is it about those moments that cause the peace to leave you again?"

There are times when I feel I have every responsibility checked off of my list and I do something for me, like visit with friends or walk through a store and browse at nothing in particular. Then I get a text message that I allow to interrupt and the whole cycle starts all over again. You see, I have lived my entire life knowing that if I can make sure everyone around me is content, then I survive. It is time consuming and mind wearing.

"What could others do to help you feel content?"

You are asking me questions that I have no answers to. I have not experienced contentment long enough to know how it really feels nor do I know how to do that thing called relax.

and so I ponder what was said and how I felt inside
I gave thought to what she said, to what I said and much thought to what changes I need to make

change is hard when it deals with other people in my life
I don't want to ever be selfish but it seems there are times when a person needs to do for themselves in order to be a more productive and healthy being

so I move on....

content with the past because it is a done deal, there is nothing I can do to change the past and keeping myself trapped in the past is not helping me at all

believe I will find strength in my moments of weakness

keep clear of people who, not intentionally meaning me harm, never allow me to change

recognize and embrace the life that has been patiently waiting for me

and

....as I move on,
I know there are no guarantees but I also know that I am not alone

Feelings

Winter without Christmas

Summer with no Fourth of July

A train bound for Paris that passes right on by

Heavy clouds that never rain

Chocolate cake without the icing

Sleep but never dream

Indigo sky without the starlight shining


Lately I feel

Lost on the blue horizon

Words

God doesn't give you the people you want
He gives you the people you NEED
To help you,
to hurt you,
to leave you,
to love you
and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Those are words someone sent me and I read in my inbox this morning. Not words I wanted to read nor did I like the way they caused me to feel.

I don't want to invite people into my world that will hurt me. People who cause me to feel like I am a candle in a hurricane, alone and helpless, unable to stand on my own and too weary to fight until the flame is no more...

Some days I feel as though I bend for others, until I reach a breaking point. That's when I feel as though I begin to fall over the edge of my life into a deep canyon.

Maybe it is then that I can stand up and discover a small but significant piece of me, of who I am becoming, falling into place. Maybe it will be then that I can start to live...

Life Is Like A Road

Life is like a road that you travel on.
One day you are here and the next day gone.
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand.
On some days, you have to turn your back to the wind.

I know there is a world on the other side of this darkened road,
maybe it's just around the bend.
A road that will lead to where sadness and tears won't haunt me anymore.
I am praying for daylight and waiting for that morning sunrise.
Maybe then I can act like my whole life isn't going wrong.