Dancing

The other day I took carrots for my lunch but never had the time to eat them.

The person that had a concern whether I ate lunch or what I had for lunch, was just fine with my choices.



I got up early and did laundry. The person that had a concern whether I made noise that early in morning or stayed in bed until my appointed time to rise was just fine with my choice.



I stayed at work longer than usual without sending a memo or having to make phone calls to confirm my choice was acceptable or not. The person that had a concern was just fine with that choice.



It feels good to be out from the covering of condemnation and complaints. It feels good that the person who has a concern about my days journey is finally who it needs to be... moi. I feel like I am flying over clouds while the colors of the day burn bright and pierce through the darkness of the sky. My heart is light and I kinda sorta feel like I am dancing high above this world as I make my way along the days wanderings. Ahhh... the birth of a new day awaits me with new dreams that I dare to make a reality.

Thanks Kelly`

Thanks so much Kelly for the comment and the link to the other blog. I appreciate it and will link there today!
Enjoy your day

I cried...

...a little. It helped having that bit of release this morning. My day was not going too well. I got up later than I wanted to. I had things to do, there has been less and less time to get things done and more and more things keep being added to my list.

The computer would not co-operate.

The muffin I made came out of the toaster covered in charcoal so I had to make a new one.

I grabbed the wrong coffee cup...but drank coffee from it anyway.

The blouse I intended to wear was covered in lint. Isn't that just how it is with black? I attempted to wipe the link off causing the blouse to wrinkle. I then found I needed to iron it. Hmmmm I set it off to the side to iron before I left but as you might guess...that time never arrived to tend to that need so I hung the blouse back up and grabbed another top to wear today.

I could not get the cd with the photos on it to load up.

The hmmm was growing into a grrr as time drifted on without my asking it to.

I jumped in the shower and did a lot of self talk in there. After all, who would hear me and wonder if I were entering crazy town.

I heard myself sighing out loud.

Tis true, I was exasperated and exhausted as I wondered why I got up early and accomplished nothing at all that was on my list.

The kinda sorta last straw was my 'to go' cup of coffee...it was waiting there for me on the counter. All nice and ready with a straw even. All that it needed was a topping of whip cream. I reached for it only to watch it topple over...at least it sloshed into the sink - less clean up that way.

No time to make up a baggie of veggies for my lunch.

I had reached the end of my patience with myself and my morning. I stood near the front door that I had propped open. I heard the rooster crowing up a storm from across the street.

hmmm

My morning is not going well, I reported to Mr. Rooster. It seemed the day was ruined but the rooster reminded me with his crowing, that even still...life goes on and I will survive. Answers and time will make their way along my journey this day. I just need to find a new route to take. The rooster will continue to crow and I will continue on to make my way through another day.

Thank you rooster
and thank you dear friend

I say that because the calmness that began when I heard my rooster neighbor doing his morning routine strengthened even more when my friend entered my space. I began to cling to the care that my friend has for me. We get along well and I know deep inside that no matter what my day brings me, I can find a place of refuge, a listening ear, a kind word or two of encouragement from them. Peace returned.

I did not know how my day would work out. I did not know how I was going to accomplish my list of to do's but it didn't matter. The peace I needed to make it through the day was there now and I could put one foot in front of the other and make my way to my car and take that drive to work that I have grown fond of.

On the way I stopped at Starbucks. I felt I deserved it. Hot Dark Cherry Mocha topped with whip cream and chocolate sprinkles is what I ordered...in case you are keeping a record. :)

Enjoy your day
I am most certain that I will

So they say...

...it is not good to keep emotions bottled up inside.

However, I find when I speak what I am pondering in my head outloud or to someone nearby, it causes stress and anxiety become more real than it was when I was simply giving it thought. When I keep my feelings inside, I am more able to cope.

So, perhaps the lesson learned for me today is that I need to keep my ponderings within in order to live a more survivable existence for everyone.

X out

I wonder if two days of laughter, clarity and pleasure X out a morning of confusion.

Maybe what they say is true...

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

For now, I will try not to be afraid.

If there is a way

My heart is silent

I can't turn back around

The sky seems to be falling down

I wonder

If there is a way

For this season to pass from me

I don't feel I can carry the burden of it some days

It burns at times, deep in my soul

Inspiration to continue on can be hard to grasp

Some days, I am sad and tired

Expectations abound

Do things I do and say matter to anyone

Do I make a difference

I have to know

Why am I scared to finish what I started

"I am with you"

That's a comfort to hear

"I am beside you and will see you through to the end"

That's just what I needed to hear from you

Tis true...

There it goes again

that familiar feeling of breathing in the shock of chaos and confusion in my life. However, I continue my morning commute to work along the city streets, freeway then the long stretch of highway. I enjoy the freeway drive in anticipation. It bares something I look forward to most mornings. My car travels up the on ramp and as I merge into traffic, my eyes scan upward toward the horizon that is traced by city lights, tall trees and a few colorful buildings.

Yet, not one vehicle do I recognize. You would think that after all these months of traveling from here to there at the same time each morning, I would meet up with other travelers that head in the same direction as I. Sometimes this small world is not so small (or friendly). It doesn't much matter though. I have found my own joy in selecting sights such as the horizon to keep me company. On the highway, only minutes from work, I pass the road that leads to where my sons are. Some mornings I take that road and drop off a fresh baked batch of cookies or bread for them to munch on during the day until I stop by for a visit after work. I wonder when I do, if that leaves with them a piece of me, of my love, to remind them that I am thinking of them.

As I turn into the parking lot of the school, I glance up at the windows of my classroom. A decorated wooden sign sits in the window that says welcome and I do - feel welcome there. I adore working with the children. Their faces and funny conversations they share with me of how they spent their afternoons fills me with delight as I know only half of what they tell me is truth. No matter what age, imagination is a wonderful thing to possess. I ponder on the accomplishments of the work week, when moments come and I am given the blessing of finding a key that helps me unlock their learning ability. The joy that fills their eyes of finding understanding is sealed in my heart.

At my home at the end of that day, I sat on the couch and peeked out the window from the opening in the curtains. I listened for the rooster again. I miss the announcements of his presence. I have noticed that even the stars rarely shine at night lately. The sky is too crowded with clouds.

Then, this morning I woke up early to get some chores done before heading to work. I sat on the couch, not before pouring myself a cup of coffee, and began clicking away on the computer. That is when I heard it, the rooster singing or coughing or at least - speaking in some language...giggle. He must have been in hiding or maybe he won a prize and had taken a vacation to Hawaii. After all, he might miss the warmth of sunshine like I do.

The sound he made caused me to smile. It was a reminder to me that there is hope abounding. Hope that summer will soon be here. Hope that the stars will find an open sky to dance and sparkle in at night to entertain me. Hope that soon this season that I am walking through, will pass and complete joy will enter my life once again.

conversation

I went to get my nails done. It is becoming a monthly habit that I treat myself to.



I took a baby step out of my comfort zone and let a new person do my nails. She spoke half English and half Vietnamese.



We carried on conversation while she fancied up my fingernails. Really it wasn't conversation as only half of her sentences were in English. It was awkward for me.



I wondered if she felt the same way. I wondered if she were really getting the just of what I was saying as I really didn't fully know what she was talking about. Only facial expressions and a word here and there led me in somewhat understanding what she was trying to say.



Did she wish she knew more words and the meaning of those words as I did of hers?



I find that so in the company of others at times. I made new friends and have been going to new places recently. I feel like a foreigner sometimes. We all speak English and yet the references they make to movies or topics most of them have in common, leaves me out in the woods somewhere. While out there in the woods, perhaps I can visit with Pooh and Eeyore :) Times like that my life feels trivial, kinda sorta lost in a sea of faces.



Do you know that feeling? Can you relate?

Lost

he seems lost

he seems lonely

and

unhappy

friends have moved away

and moved on

life hasn't changed

much

for him

he struggles daily

it seems

just to have strength

and purpose

to crawl out of his warm bed

oh

how I wish

he had a passion

and purpose in his life

oh

how I wish

I were able to guide him more

but

the time has come

for him

to find the path

of his destiny

without

holding

my hand

as it is with all children

I love him so....

Flashes of Lightening

...and rolls of thunder took over the evening.

The calm that held my mind and body had been interrupted by a storm...

Everything I hold onto, everyone I feel a need to keep at a distance, all that I hold deep inside my heart, I protect by the glass walls that I spent years building around me. Too much pain and hurt have come my way. At least that's what I felt I must to do to survive in this world

From this side of the glass walls, I can view the beauty of all that exists and draw the shades or close my eyes when darkness falls. I feel protected and yet still afraid. I am content most of the time, and yet, I am sad as I see so many hands and hearts I long to reach out for a touch from or be held by.

I fear the moment when the glass walls I built will shatter. Will I lose myself as the fragments of glass fall at my feet or will they dissipate into the atmosphere - forever lost?

A part of me is afraid to let go and surrender my love, reveal who I am, and let anyone enter my world too closely.

Perhaps I am wrong

Perhaps I am right

Who is to say

Time would tell

...and so it was, the flashes of lightening and rolls of thunder that I had heard once upon a time not so long ago took me by surprise. Only a moment ago the world seemed like a familiar place, although the aroma, sounds and conversations that filled my space were a stretch to my comfort zone.

Through it all I smile. I made conversation and stayed near those I knew. I sang songs in my head to drown out all the intrusions to keep my sanity.

The night wore on slowly. I was pleased with myself because I was actually dealing with this newness and did not listen to the voice in my head that kept telling me to find an escape

One by one, those I knew made their way to the exit. My time at this place had not ended yet so I settled myself into the chair and fixed my gaze on the one soul out of the many that calmed my heart.

Still, I felt alone, even in the company of so many. I didn't fit in, no matter how hard I tried to make believe that it was so..that somehow...I did belong.

Right before the clock chimed midnight and I could make my way out of this place to the comfort of my waiting chariot, a sudden presence sent chills of fear through me. I felt two hands grab at mine where I had securely placed them in my lap.

I saw his lips moving and knew he was speaking, beckoning me to join him. Someone muttered from across the table, "You are safe with him," which added to my anxiety.

I froze. I felt small and vulnerable. I wondered if I had smiled too much, stayed too long or crossed a line I should not have, as always being certain moments such as this were my fault.

I spoke in response, " I can't, I can't." The words my heart really felt wouldn't come, couldn't come.

I felt trapped. The lightening flashed bright in my eyes. Thunder rattled my glass walls of protection.


"Never again, never again." I repeated it over and over at first only to myself but then my words became audible.

Where was my prince?

Only he could save me now.

Why wasn't he more near to protect me...

but alas

it wasn't so...

Rainy Afternoon

warm freshly toasted almonds

coffee smoothie topped with rich whip cream

crystal pitcher filled with ice and lime slices

(just the way I like it)

steaming ivar's clam chowder

with extra baby clams

the company of a dear friend

what more could a princess need

on a rainy afternoon

Bunny Trails

I love all of my friends. You too? Cool!

The other day I spent time with one of my friends. As you read on, you may laugh become confused or perhaps find you can relate to the joy and hmmm entertainment my one friend adds to my life.
...and so we sit across from each other at the table, munching snacks and chatting. Forgetting the world I enter when I do this...I ask my friend a simple question, expecting a simple answer.

...and so 30 minutes later I am still listening and yet waiting for the answer. HOWEVER, in the meantime, I have learned how to play a Star Wars boards game, of travels they have made, attitudes of an old acquaintance of theirs, to where everyone stood at an event they attended some 15 years previous. Oh ya, did I mention I also learned during that time that they have a storage unit in Butte, Montana? None of which were an answer to my question.

Suddenly my friend stopped talking, put on reading glasses and began to get back to their task of sorting photos.

...and so I said, "Nooooooo, you didn't answer my question."

"Oh ya"....

An hour or so later, I still did not have an answer and yet I dared not ask again. At that point my body was tired from sitting so long and my legs were worn out from all the bunny trails we traveled together. Bunny trails - when someone is talking on one subject but that one leads them to thinking of other things ... so they move to talk about that and so on and so on.

All in all, I enjoyed the road trip along all the bunny trails in conversation. I learned a lot. I got to spend some quality time with my dear friend. It was a priceless moment.

Transition

Is there a rule book that lists transition times? How long should it take to make a transition?

I moved into a new location five months ago and still feel unsettled. My shoes are stacked on shoes and fall almost every time I open the closet.

I am still discovering who I am. I guess rediscovering who I am or maybe that is not right at all. The environment we live in and the people we hang with affect who we are. In the recent changes I have thought I had myself figured out and felt all settled in then suddenly a new day came and I was walking a different path which left me feeling unsettled...again.

Hmmm

It isn't a bad thing. It's just that I would feel more content if I could figure life out. Or maybe it is the people that are in my life that I can't figure out.

I think since it is a nice sunny day and a day off, I will focus on enjoying the warmth and joy it brings me and forget about 'stuff' that is bugging me.

Did I tell you that I FINALLY met donkey? Not that we had a chat or anything but I did get to finally see the one who keeps braying in my direction. He or she, is the cutest donkey I have ever seen. Mostly white with brown splashes of color.

I would write more but I feel the day calling me to join in on some simple pleasures and so I shall...

Glimpses

I get glimpses of my sons.

Every other day after I get off work I stop by the house to visit with my sons. Sometimes they are there, sometimes one or two of them are off to a friends home or at work.

Hmmm ....too short are the glimpses now that I get into the lives of my sons. I miss out on the pages in between my visits. How can you get a view into those moments you miss?

Somedays it's all good and we sit and chat and giggle and even tease the cats. Somedays there is an awkwardness that does not go away. I am unsure why or where it stems from and suspect they feel the same way.

My boys get a glimpse into my life when I drop by or take them out for shopping or lunch dates. I wonder if they find those glimpses kinda sorta like puzzle pieces. If so, they would not have the full puzzle to view since they aren't around me during all of my day.

Hmmmm...days - life - too short to fulfill all that I wish I could do and be.

Earthshake

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? I have been through a few. I lived in California for several years and in that time, there were plenty.

You can feel the ground move beneath your feet.

Vases, pictures and figurines shimmy across shelves.

At times, items fall off shelves and crash to the floor.

You can hear a rumbling sound.

Earthquakes last seconds but when you are in the midst of them, it feels like far too many minutes and you wonder a lot, at least I do...

when did it start

from where did it begin

when will it end

where do I go

do I keep standing where I am or seek shelter

When it is over, you know you were there during the whole event but if someone were to ask you to describe what happened, moment by moment, it might be a difficult task. Your mind can become cluttered with emotion causing you to not recall all of the events you just witnessed.

There are usually aftershocks. Waiting for them and wondering if they will be as powerful as the quake itself are thoughts you might have. I remember the emotions; I felt as though a personal assault had occurred. I was left feeling uncertain, insecure and unsure of how to proceed.

Not only had my body and surroundings been shaken, my world was thrown out of wack. I didn't function in my normal routine for a few hours until I did a lot of self talk on what had happened and working myself back into life as it was before.

Funny how something so common, at least in California, could continue to affect me like that. It always caught me off guard. Perhaps if I lived my life then in constant preparation for the coming event I would have sailed through and been able to pick up the pieces and continue on in my day as if it were nothing more than a thunder storm.

In the Land Before Time movie, Littlefoot referred to the event as an earthshake. I think his words more accurately describe the sensation.

Now that I have tried to tell you how earthshakes affected me, I will continue on with what my mind is dealing with this morning. I have discovered that you can experience earthquakes in relationships. People say or do things that to me, feel as though I am going through a personal earthshake. They come without warning. I can hear rumbling. I feel my world shaking beneath my feet. I wonder where it began and when it will end. I wonder if there will be aftershocks, if I say words or make gestures, if they will be misunderstood and cause an aftershock.

I must say that those kinds of earthshakes that happen in my world are more difficult to work through. Seems the time frame of recovery is longer. Seems I would be more able to recognize the signs of a coming earthquake by now...but I never see them coming.

You would think a good nights sleep would bring back peace of mind but that is not always so. I spent last night laying in bed wishing on stars before I drifted to sleep. My night was broken up with bad dreams. I would wake and try to change the channel of my dream by singing songs to myself but that didn't help, at least not last night.

I woke wondering what I need to do to keep them from re-entering my world. Do I work on talking less? Do I work on doing more acts of kindness? What is the key or will my life always be filled with earthshakes...

"y"

I got a message on my Facebook page from an old friend. He referred to me as Nancy with a "y". Why? Because when we were fellow staff members, we worked alongside another Nancy. Only thing is her name was spelled Nancee.

People got us mixed up when it came to orders being shipped and the library orders we had placed got WAY messed up.

However, as I read that I pondered as I often do, over the simpliest of things....Nancy with a "y" seems so appropriate for me as I am always finding myself wondering why this and why that. So, perhaps when my mom was selecting my name she felt ending it with a y would be most fitting.

Please do enjoy your day, wherever you are and whatever you find yourself engaging in today.

Blessings....

what now

...and so he asks me...

"What now?"

So I gave it thought for two days. I knew how he wanted me to respond. I knew he wanted me to tell him that everything he knew as truth would be just so.

Life isn't like that sometimes. Things change. People change...hopefully for the better.

After the waiting and wrestling with not wanting to interfere with his well being and yet, for a rare time in my life, concerning myself with my own well being, I responded by saying,

"I plan to live my life doing more than merely surviving."

I am unsure how he will respond to that or if he even will. He has a lot of opinions so my guess is that I will hear something back from him soon.

Will I have a response? Doubtful. I give everything too much thought.

Life is one wave after another. Some slowly make their way to the shore and feel soothing on my skin. Other waves move in with force and sting my skin.

Either way, I find ways to survive, that is just my nature.

Fading

If I close my eyes I might fade away. At least that is how I feel lately.

I head out for work and grab my purse and then as I grab hold of my bag and heave the strap up over my shoulder, I can feel the weight of what needs to be done.

I keep my bag with me almost always. In there I have lists of things to do and papers that need to be completed. Most days, I get to only one or two things.

Hmmm

I have lists of things to do in my head also that adds to my level of ... kinda sorta stress.

I know, I should be content in doing my best and achieving all that I am able during the day and let the rest go when I lay my head on the pillow at night. But instead, I take a gander out the window and when on nights, the clouds free up the stars for me to view, I count them and know that each one represents something I need to do. When I see clusters of stars I think of my sons and pray for them and wish I could tell them good night.

Shadows fall across the sun sometimes. That happens to everyone in their world..I assume. Is that so for you too? Is that a bad thing or a normal occurrence....I wonder. And if so, how do you cope? I ask because I am not so sure I am coping.

I feel I have a grasp on the way my life should be ... perhaps ... believing that each new song is the beginning of a new dance and each new day is a chance to take a stance for what I believe and my desires, wants and needs.

I checked out my reflection in the mirror this morning...always a frightening task, but all the same, what I am feeling is what I viewed. A few new wrinkles, or is it I had not noticed them before, and I saw a weary face.

Sometimes I find I am running just to catch my breath. You too? What are we doing to ourselves?

...and yet, I'm opening up the door of life to test the water and am determined to ride this storm.

Am I A MIsfit?

We're a couple of misfits

We're a couple of misfits

What's the matter with misfits

That's where we fit in!

We're not daffy and dilly

Don't go 'round willy nilly

Seems to us kinda silly

That we don't fit in.

We may be different from the rest

Who decides the test

Of what is really best?

Why am I such a misfit?

I am not just a nit wit!

Why don't I fit in?

Where is Misfit Island?

You'd think someone would have sent me a brochure by now. That is if they have been viewing my life, the goings on and my responses to them.

grrr -- my growl when I am unamused of late

Oh bother - I agree with Pooh Bear far too often

I'm such a misfit - Rudolph felt the same way I do. He didn't fit in the land of reindeer. I don't fit in the land of those I hang with and work with either.

Rudolph discovered his worth. I keep thinking I've found mine then something happens, situations rise, words are said and once again, I feel I have no value, nothing of worth to contribute to the world or my friends and family. I feel like a failure - a misfit - and all I can do is travel in my mind to the Island of Misfits - I wondered if I would fit in there or would I be a misfit among misfits.

So, WHERE IS MY PLACE in this world?

Her Hands

I was in her hands. I wanted to be there. Fact is, my hope was being under her care, would make all things well again. I hoped the next hour would make all the difference I needed in my life and that somehow, this time with her would bring me serenity that I have been needing.

However, extrinsic rewards are more like a bandaid. My turmoil is within and needs something more intrinsic.

I went for a manicure, my first one! Nice lady and I went with a friend to add all the more joy to the event.

I would so like it if my world could start anew...

Two Worlds

I live in two worlds. One where I cope. One where I don't cope as well.

When I am in a more normal world, when I am dealing with life as it comes, I am content. Even the glitches in life are no worries to me.

When I'm not coping, when I'm thrown a curve that feels earth shaking size, I enter a place - a world - where I find I am no longer actually living. I am merely exsisting and moving, driving or walking from place to place, as if aimlessly, without fully being aware of what I am doing.

No, I'm not on drugs - although there may be a drug out there to aid me in those times.

Don't like it

Don't like it

I don't really like it

I'm scared

I'm sad

And I've known nicer days

Wish I could find a cure. Those words I made up with a tune that I sing to myself over and over again when I enter the non coping rehlm.

I have many freinds but none that know about that part of my life. I don't share the sad times in my life, I prefer to spend the time I have with friends chatting about the joys and blessings in life and keep the burdens to myself. So, I can't call one of them to help them through.

Hmmmm
what to do
what to do