I sat, the old man stood.
I listened, the old man talked.
The old man ranted on about the railroad and how angry he gets when things aren't just so.

Nearby the young boy listened to the talk about the railroad, the very place where he worked. The young boy who had grown fond of his job, who had a smile on his face when he spoke about his job, now was uncertain as he listened. For the young man had always believed that old men were wise. The young boy sat down, seemingly unable to handle all that he was hearing.

Bright and early the next morning the young man woke to make ready for a day of work. He was quiet, as if in thought, while he prepared himself and his meal for the workday.

Evening came.
I sat, the old man stood.
I listened, the old man talked.

The old man was filled with delight in himself as he talked on about his day and how he had squelched the anger in the young man when he saw him today!

I continued to listen as he went on...

The old man had gone to the young man's work. Seems the old man went to the young man's work and was surprised to see him fueled with anger. The old man repeated all the words the young man had spoken to him that day about his job. The young man ranted at how unfair things were at the railroad and how angry he gets when things aren't just so.

Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart was hurting, for I knew the exact words that the old man had spoken were the exact words the young man now carried in his heart and on that day, spoke aloud to the old man. Saddest of all was the old man didn't hear himself or see himself in the young man, nor what he had done.

All the old man heard and felt was the angry young man and was proud that he had calmed him...

First Day

The first day at my new job turned out to be the darkest, most stormy morning since Autumn began.

I drove the short drive to work thankful they had recently repainted the white stripes on the highway. The headlights of oncoming traffic made it hard for me to see the road. My eyes are not what they use to be. I kept my focus on the white line that bordered the highway and continued on.

I felt alive.
I liked Monday - again - at last.

For almost two years I have exchanged my love of Mondays for love of Fridays. Not anymore! I can't wait for Monday to get here and go to work.

I like loving my job. The students are so precious, even the ones who seem to attend school simply to try your patience. And, I couldn't ask for a finer group of staff to work with.

My boss - well, he is a man. I'm not too fond of men, actually, I have a kinda sorta fear of men and avoid the encounters when I can. However, my boss is a really great guy, to me a rare find. He is kind, encouraging and he listens. So you can see, as I do, how blessed I feel in my job.

As I drove to work that morning, thanking Jesus for my new job and for helping me make it through the recent times in my life of desert, I wondered if this heavy rain fall was for me or because of me? Was it the Lord's grand way of letting me fully experience the no longer dryness of the desert but the full quenching of his poured blessings on me?

Up ahead is another patch of desert. I don't dread it quite so much now and I know I will not be alone.

Autumn

Outside is a massive Maple tree. I like Maple leaves. From a distance, they all look the same. Up close you find though, that each are unique - just like people.

torn
brittle
green and healthy
new and small in size

A week ago the leaves were all red. Today they are yellow. Color change took place because of the passing season and yet, within the transition they went through other changes, transformations - just like people.

Soon the Autumn winds will blow. The leaves will be free to be caught up in the cool breezes and sail through the air, alone or in the whirlwind of other leaves. Until at last, in the end, they find a landing place on the lawn and there, they will make themselves at home, cuddling among the stacks and stacks of leaves that have also endured the Autumn changes.

Autumn, to me, is a beautiful time of the year.

Do you...

...wander ?
If so, where?

Do you wonder?
If so, on what do you wonder?

And when you wonder, do you find answers or do you bother to ask? I wonder if wandering and wondering are connected somehow. Even though I do a lot of wondering while sitting, thus not wandering in my shoes but all the same, my mind does wander through new thoughts and old thoughts.

A cousin joined facebook today. We are about the same age. He grew up mostly in the northern parts of Washington while I spent the majority of growing up all over the U.S. in military bases, behind the high wired fences. From time to time in our youth, we met on common ground - grandma's house in Riffe, which later was covered in lake water by the new dam. Then the grandparents moved to Mossyrock.

Far from each other, cousins still, we have grandma in common. We have the memories of crawdad fishing at the end of Godfrey Road. Taking raw bacon from grandmas fridge and sitting on the muddy bank of the very narrow stream and making fishing poles from old string, long twigs and bits of the bacon dangling from the end.

We played Get Smart using the small pantry in the garage, pretending he was Maxwell Smart, Agent 86, and I was Agent 99. The pantry was narrow. The door was small. It was our makeshift telephone booth that would deliver us to Headquarters.

Grandma knew about all of the ways we entertained ourselves except one....Grandpa smoked cigars. Grandma didn't like the odor so he smoked them in the garage which is where we stored our bucket filled with water and live crawdads. The cigars did not intrigue us but the matches did. We wanted to try striking one, just to see if we could light them and just how they worked. We talked about it for days until one day we gathered the nerve, took one of the wooden kitchen matches and after several attempts to light it, finally success. However, the joy and success of the moment left quickly. My oldest brother drove up. It is kinda sorta hard to cover up the smell of a freshly lit match but we danced our way around the reason for the sulfur smell, both defending the other.

It was comforting to know that he, my cousin, still remembers our too few times together with joy. As our minds wandered back to those days, one memory after another came flowing through.

Have you ever heard it said that colors aren't meant to be true. They are only present to hide all the black and white that lay beneath them. And the reason for the black and white beneath them is in that no one wants to see only gray.


...and if I take the colors of the day to form my memories, what will I be left with at the end of it all, if all along the colors were not truly there at all, that what I was grasping onto was nothing more than air. Kind of how I feel when I talk to certain people, I feel as though I am talking to the wind when I see the disinterested expression on their face.

Life can be long and life can be a difficult process. I recently read the Exodus story of Moses bargaining and freeing the Israelites from the clutches of the Pharaoh. It was a long and torturous fight for freedom but in the end, they were free and no longer wandering in the desert.

Can you, in your life, relate?

They knew it would not be an easy walk but I wonder if they knew just how long they would find themselves wandering through the desert.

Through this life, my life, I have been wondering and wandering. Most recently, wondering if I will ever be totally rid of and free from depression and insecurities. I wander about and wonder if I will ever be happy again. Many days as I face the next day, it is with all of my ability to put one foot in front of the other. I won't grumble in my desert because I know this is God's plan.

Living in a world of young people, the Finding Nemo movie quotes are heard often and come to mind this morning. Some seem so very fitting for my mind wanderings and wonderings. Mind if I share a few?

"That's a funny thing to promise. If nothing ever happens to him, then nothing will ever happen to him."

"Nice trench!"
"Something is telling me we should go through it, not over it"

"Yes, trust. It's what friends do."

"Suivez-moi." (Follow me)

"Don't give up, just keep swimming"

Thanks Dory, I won't give up, I will keep swimming.

Waiting

I am sitting in the doctors office...waiting.

It is OK though, I'm getting use to waiting. I guess the Lord is teaching me patience. I would have liked to have chosen the lessons on patience though, on what I could wait on or for.

Some of this waiting isn't any fun at all.

Tristeza Siempre

Tristeza Siempre

Sadness remains
Morning is lost
Yet my life goes on


Words that were forever
Hold no meaning now
They have fallen through my fingers
Like dust in my hand

Days keep drifting by
Sadness remains
Yet my life goes on
~N


Tristeza Siempre are Spanish words.
Tristeza - sadness, gloom, sorrow, dreariness
Siempre - always, forever, at all times, even still

The Smile

I really like working with children. I learn a lot!

I watched a student last week during recess, manage to make a shot with the basketball he had brought out. He made several attempts. I would have given up, most likely. That student kept on until finally at last, the ball swished though the net.

Then came the priceless moment. As the student watched the ball roll away, they turned their body to face mine and painted on a purposeful smile. They had to work at both - making a basket and the smile.

hmmm

Somehow I could relate.
You too?

As for me, I spent beyond recess giving that thought. There is very little that doesn't intrigue me. There is very little that happens around me that I can't learn from. At that precious moment, I knew what that student knew - at times, life is grand, but you kinda sorta have to work at it.

Friday Night

...and so I lay there in bed, and wonder if when I roll over to see what time the clock will read, will I find it an acceptable time to get up or will it be as it was the last time I checked and found only a few moments had passed.

I'm not sleeping well lately
go figure

~
I turned the hair dryer off and took a look in the mirror at what creation my curling brush and hair dryer had made for me this day. I wonder again if what keeps me up night is the noise from conversations between the brush and hair dryer. I wonder if they chat over ways they want my hair to turn out when morning comes. Frizzy, flat, curly or too poofy. They share a shelf in the bathroom you know, so don't you suppose it is conceivable?
:)

Tis true my hands hold the tools, but tis also true that following the same routine, results in different hair do's appear.

I think it's a conspiracy. Several girlfriends have shared the same experience so it must be so.

Either way, today was a good hair day. I was pleased. Today was a kinda sorta special day. It is the last day of the week and current job position. Monday I start a new and exciting position at work.

Oh Joy of Joys

~~

I sat in my car in the carport and looked out the side car window at the backyard patio. That's where I spent a lot of my summer. The chair from where I did a lot of dreaming and writing is now stacked among the other chairs for winter. The glass patio table that held my iced coffee is now covered in a blanket of rain.

From behind the lattice fence, mini late blooming sunflowers peek at me. Fragments reminding me of what was.

Hope I held onto yesterday, just like the tiny fragment reminders I see this morning of what was, were recently whisked from me, leaving me feeling melancholy. Leaving me a bit more afraid to hope on anything.

For now, I will keep my feelings and my hopes shielded. I will keep hope at bay. I feel more emotionally protected that way. Not to say hoping and dreaming are foolish mind wanderings that shouldn't remain alive, but for me, if I want to survive through this day, these next few days, it is a have to.

Yes, a bit blue and melancholy is how I feel today.

Morning

I rounded the last bend on the highway as I traveled to work. I took in the beauty of the sky. The sun was casting a bright glow, enhancing the dark rain clouds that filled the sky.

The wind today is fierce.

I thanked Jesus for the ray of sun. I needed to see it this morning.
I thanked Jesus for reminding me of the light he brings to my world.
I asked Jesus to help me, on this blustery day, to be a light for his glory.

Then I spent a moment or two with Eeyore on his favorite hilltop, cloud watching in silence. It was a place of contentment. It is a beautiful morning after all.

I Miss You

when I wake

when it rains

when the wind blows

all the time

I miss you

...and so he was troubled as he felt his world being rocked by her words. In the past, it had been his role to rock the world around him. Now, with the tide changing, it was not so easy to accept.

..and so he claimed he did not remember but if you say it is true..then think as you will. I don't remember saying or doing such things he said, as if it would absolve him from any wrong doing.

...and so she was strong for the first time. She felt a peace and was confident to speak calmly and knew that what she was doing, saying, and where she was heading was right and good.

...and so it was, as his words shot like fire, burning at her heart, she began to melt back into the one she once had been. In the moments of silence, she fixed her eyes on the leaves outside the window that skipped across the damp grass. In her mind she heard the words ...

it will never be so
you will never be free
look around and see
this is where you must be

...and so it was truth for a moment or two. Then as if a rushing wind blew through the room, surrounding her, filling her and lifting her high above the troubles, the fire and all that was, until again, the peace returned to her heart.

...and so it is as in war, the battle continues.

Might sound...

...like crazy talk but here it is anyway. A long story also, so if you don't want to stick around to read it all, I will understand and won't have my feelings hurt at all.

Today, I don't know if I am tired or weary. Maybe both. Maybe the tired brings the weariness.

Why tired - I spend too many moments in survivor mode. It's hard work.

I could begin at the beginning. Would you like that? Will you mind?

I woke up and viewed the clock. I was one minute late in getting out of bed. Yes, tis true, I have a pattern that I have to stick to or ... well, my day is just not a workable thing for me most of the time. I wasn't done with my dreaming. I wasn't feeling like I was ready to face the day yet but stirring and sounds nearby caused me to grab hold of the covers, toss them back and make my way to the treadmill.

Not before grabbing my ipod. The view isn't much these days. It's terribly dark that time of the morning now, quiet too. The birds are still sleeping. Pretty Kitty and Panther aren't eager to start their day either. Most mornings they bring me a great deal of entertainment as I watch them chase their tail or chase each other into the room where I am, then suddenly stop, give a sideways turn and hunch their backs, acting as if they are going to fight but then one gives up and the chase begins again. I think if cats could laugh, the house would be filled with laughter at times like those. However, this morning music on the ipod will keep me company.

For reasons I can guess, I woke sad. Tears kept wanting to make their way down my cheeks. Can't have that, too much explaining to do, so I did my best to hold them in.

With familiar strategy I survive the morning and took the breath taking drive to work. There is such beauty in this part of the world. Nothing like it I think. I put on the cruise control so I could safely do more viewing of my surroundings than of the speedometer and the road directly in front of me.

Next stage of my day is listening to the instructor at work. I join my fellow staff members as we sit with eyes focused on the lecturer, but as I gaze at the group I am in the company of, I can almost hear their thoughts which I am sure, mirror mine.

Suddenly the talking stops and the speaker rises and moves away from our area. That is the signal that the lesson is done and we can now make our way through the day following the design we were just given. As always, none of us are clear on the design or plan. We move away from the meeting area and move about the room like leaves whipping in circle of wind almost making me dizzy, pretending we know what we are to do but knowing enough now to fake it.

Does that sound terrible? It is truth even still.

Changes take place all the time. Some are for good reasons, some are simply because someone can make changes and does so as the mood strikes them, leaving wreckage in the wake. And so, they see that and blame someone else, then make a new change before the others get accustomed to and finally understand the old change that just took place.

Is that even right or fair?

...and so we, (we, being the group), sat around a table during a quiet time and talked about our obsessions, our frustrations and the proper way to eat M&M's. There is an order to things you know! We laughed, it felt good. In our own way, we were letting each other know that we are in support of each other and if we stick together, holding strong, we will all survive. And there I go again, in survivor mode but at least there, in the work place, I have others who exist in survivor mode to support and gain support from.

The day did not end there, but you get the jest. An odd thing happened near the end of the day. Is there a friend or family member you have that fills you up when you are empty by just being with them or seeing them? Words don't even need to be spoken. I have not had that in my life since my brother Ronnie was alive and part of my life, but now I have that blessing again. All I had to do was feel their presence and I felt comforted, filled up again and knew all was well. I like that feeling. I like having a friend in my life that is there for me, no matter what.

...and so I want you to know
that when despair taps on your shoulder
I am with you
that would be how I feel this morning

not to bear your pain
but to remind you
that the thoughts you have are correct
you do have a life waiting for you
with all the darkness this morning,
I am finding it hard to fathom


...and yes,one day you'll look back
and your memory will reveal to you
a sense of disbelief
that you were ever there
- but you were
but for now you are here
here is a difficult place to be

...and I know there is wonder in your mind
tis true

if it will ever get here
and will it get here in time
sigh
how you will come out of it on the other side

These are all thoughts
that will enter your mind
from time to time
lately, too often

but view the living proof
and know
it is real
I promise to try

and know one day soon
the horror will pass
it will be like a nightmare to recall

You are strong
but strong enough...I wonder

you will survive
can you be certain

the future is nearing
If you look
you can almost see the sun shining
on the horizon
seeming to be growing near
and getting brighter
I am trying to feel the warmth

Now and then
you will catch a whiff of fragrance
a warm feeling will seem
to surround you
to comfort you
I am searching for it now

...and you will know
this is merely your dream
coming true
with every breath

Clouds and rain will try
to block these positive feelings
they are suddenly... just there

but they will not succeed
for the will of God
is far and vastly stronger
and it is God's hand you are holding
thank you for being my friend

It just might be...

possible. Truth is, silently each winter when I experience the first snowfall, I dream that things will one day change. The change I have been waiting for is me enjoying the holidays. Especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.

People seem so upbeat. Friends and families gather. I see warmth and love in their eyes. Laughter, lights, colors, music, and celebrations are happening everywhere.

I want to belong. I want to embrace it.

It's up to me. I know I am the one that has to let walls down, be rid of past hurts, and open my mind to the possibilities.

There is hope, isn't there always? I learned something new over this past summer. I have spent time with new friends, one in particular, and have listened as they talk about the holidays. I have listened as they talk about their plans for the holidays and how intense they are and how their eyes sparkle with delight at the thoughts. Of course that same person likes camping and so maybe they don't know what they are talking about...giggle

My sister in law loves Christmas. She starts waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too early setting up her Christmas Village and decorating her home, so says her husband. She loves the holidays. For years it was a sad memory for her, due to a nothing you can do about it circumstance. She didn't let that keep her from grasping back onto the love she has for the holiday and the memories that she has of sitting around the kitchen table painting buildings and homes for the village with her mother. The chair she sits across from is now empty, and I am sure the pain is still present and tears still at times fall, but Patty has not let that block her from moving on, which is the right thing to do.

Why do I have to be given perky and wise people like her around me during the holidays? It only makes not liking them all the more difficult!
giggle
If we weren't friends I would never say that about her but well, strange things happen and somehow, over the years we have found out that we like each other and we can be friends and much to our surprise, we are enjoying our friendship.

I have decided I want to learn. I have decided I want to be a part of what I see others experiencing. I have missed out too many years on all the wonders of the holidays for too many reasons. I don't think this kind of change is something I can learn from reading a book or magazine or even take a class on. I think it is more one of those hands on kind of learning events.

I can't wait!


Do you think these shoes will help me get into the spirit of the holidays?

Waiting

You know that waiting thing I have been talking about - a lot - lately?

The end of the waiting draws near.

I don't have a calendar of dates to check off in front of me. That would have been too easy. :)

I can sense it though. Suddenly the big picture is now more in focus. Like a ticker tape parade, assorted details are falling into place without my help.

Like a young child waiting for their birthday or Christmas morning, I am feeling anxious. I thought when I got to this place in time, in this circumstance, I would be feeling nothing but overjoyed and relief.

I am not complaining in the least. I am just sharing my feelings and thoughts, hope you don't mind.

Conch Shell

I was thinking about a sea shell, those kind you put up to your ear and you can hear the ocean. When you do, it feels like you are really there.

I have experienced a lot of new things lately, had a lot of firsts. Seems odd that at my age I would still be experiencing firsts but I suppose, you are never too old to learn new things right? Not that I am admitting to being old. My hair color shows I am young and I think that is proof enough!!

A friend I have has been introducing me to new foods, everything from seafood I have kept my lips tightly pierced in the past so I did not have to endure the taste of, and now can't get enough, to sweet cream, who knew there were different kinds of cream in the world, certainly not I. yum

I am finding more contentment in my life and yet longing at the same time for this new world. I find that if I close my eyes I can grab onto a memory or moment and feel as if I am really there. Kinda sorta how it works with the sea shell.

How about you? Experiencing any firsts lately or any moments where you long to be a part of it again or feel like you are still there? Held a conch shell to your ear lately?

My Daddy

I am telling on myself here but when in elementary school, I did not like to read. No one at home read, that I ever saw, so I guess that is my excuse. I wasn't good at reading. I didn't know a lot of words and that seemed to mess up the whole book I would be attempting to read.

Book reports were a requirement. bummer Although back when I was young I didn't say bummer, I would stick out my tongue to display my bummer attitude when no one was looking...giggle

I found a book in the school library that was not too thick. I found a book that had few words on each page. I found a book that made me think of me and a part of my life so I checked it out. I read it over and over again. As I absorbed the words, they melted and became a part of me. I decided I loved reading.

...and so when book report time came I didn't even have to check the book back out, I had memorized all the words. It was a breeze.

...and so when the next year book report time came, I didn't even have to check a book out. I had a book I loved memorized and so again, I flew through the report and turned it in without once sticking my tongue out.

Here comes the bummer part. Teacher read it and handed it back with a big, fat, red F on it along with a note. Nancy, this is the same book from last year. You must read a new book and do a book report on it or you will keep this F for your grade.

What's with that? Having to grow and learn more words and expand my territory by reading new books that might take me on travels that I have never experienced? What's with that? Oh ya, I was in

S C H O O L !

I complied. I was an obedient child and student.

However, that story book stayed etched in my brain. Don't ask me to quote it to you now but I can still give you the just of it. ...a little child plays at home. At a certain time each day during the week, the little child senses it is time and walks down the sidewalk to stand at the curb and wait. Suddenly a city bus appears. The little child says, "Here comes daddy." Daddy got off the bus and smiles as he sees the little child. Daddy takes the little child's hand as they walk side by side, in step, down the sidewalk back to their house.

It was me, my life, at the time. I kinda sorta have told you about my father. We had an odd relationship although, at the time I didn't know it and I don't suspect he did either. I remember during those years dad was home more, opting to not go oversees for a few years. I recall the walk along the sidewalk, up the block, to the curb where I would wait for the city bus to bring my daddy home. I would stand alert as the bus door opened, keeping my eyes fixed on the steps waiting for the familiar set of shiny brown shoes. Finally, there was my daddy. He didn't smile like the daddy in the book but our eyes did meet. He didn't hold my hand but I did skip steps from time to time on our walk home so I could walk in step with him. We walked in silence like the little child and the daddy in the book although I suspect the little child and the daddy did have conversations that were not mentioned.

I never knew if my father was OK with me meeting him at the bus stop. I don't know why I loved him so when he didn't show affection, when I never heard I love you or receive a hug. Through the silence and through the times when he threw out cutting words, I loved him still.

~~

I know a little child who loves his daddy. When he hears his daddy's car pulling into the driveway, he does a power walk to the door to greet his daddy with a smile. Sometimes his daddy returns the smile, most times the daddy does not and walks right past him as if he were not there at all. The little child asks someone why but there is no answer to be given, not even the daddy seems to know why.

The daddy does not show the little child affection very often. The little child receives silence and cutting words in their direction, but they love their daddy still. I suspect if they were to take a walk, the little child would skip a step or two in order to walk in sync with his daddy.

~~

Out of all the things I could pass on in the way of patterns, that pattern of loving still, I am unclear on whether it is a good pattern to pass on or not. The Lord says to love. The Lord says to forgive. I am unclear and disturbed by it all but I do know that I love my daddy still and someday, perhaps, I can tell him face to face. Maybe, just maybe, if I could have told my daddy that I loved him back when, he would have told me he loved me too.

The Attack

He spoke more gently than before
good night

But the night was not good
It came with great darkness
It came without stars
They must have forgotten how to shine
Even the moon could not protect her

Through the restless night
The thief lay in wait

Through the restless night
The prey lay in distress

Somewhere before dawn
The thief made his attack
He tore at her body
He tore at her soul
He robbed her last drop of innocence


Even daylight can't dry her tears

Where is the freedom
Where is this place
Where night time is day
Where is the shelter
To hide from the storms
~N

Dream

Some weeks go by feeling like a dream - only it isn't the good kind of dream. More like a dreadful trip that seems to never end.

Surely it is a dream. This can't be real. I think I'll just have to wait it out. If they surface - tears and fears - then I will feel something at least and will know for certain, what is before me, is real. I don't think I am strong enough for that - not yet.

and so I watch for signs of angels
and so I wait on God

I take a step back into the shadows. It's my protection for now. I'll stay hidden until I feel stronger, until I feel safe. I wonder if being invisible is a good or bad thing - for me, for them - or is it both.

...days have come and gone and I remain in the shadows

Nestle

That's what I do when the warm days of summer have gone away, I nestle into my favorite blanket on the couch.

Nestle - nuzzle, curl up, burrow, take shelter, cuddle, snuggle.

I am fond of all those words and feelings they bring to mind.

Last night I sat at my assigned post in the living room. Not being in charge of the nights entertainment, I leaned back my head, closed my eyes and allowed my thoughts to drift. The cool air in the room caused me to think on winter snowfall.


I know it is around the corner. In fact, one of my sisters sent me a text while she sat in the Denver airport today, to let me know it was snowing. I sent back a text, NO WAY. Her return response, "WAY!"

I also know that means holiday meal making moments with my sons will soon be here. Not often heard laughter will come from the kitchen and cooking ingredients will cover the counter tops and the floor. The messes won't matter. The merriment and amusement will be what I hold on to for months, at least until the next holiday rolls around and I am joined once again in the kitchen with the pleasant company of my sons.

For now, I linger longer in the frame of mind I am in, as I take hold of the edge of the blanket and pull it up under my chin.

I wonder if you have moments like that too. I wonder if you have a favorite blanket to snuggle into, if you have favorite memories that come to mind and if so, do you allow your mind to drift also...

Is there anything finer, I ask you, than this? I could play the guitar that leans against the wall gathering dust, but I don't know how. I could sing a song, but well... there are others to consider. I could count the leaves as they fall from the trees but that would probably put me to sleep.

Perhaps having a good friend to share the moment with. Hmmm I will have to give that more thought.

Jakes

That's what I call him.

When he introduced himself to me, he said his name was Jacob but people call him Jake for short. I asked if I could too, he said sure.

I think Jake is great! He is full of life. He is full of energy. He is almost always smiling and almost always .... up to something.

How I met Jake:
The classroom I had at school was at the end of the hallway. My classroom door I kept open. From time to time, I would heard a loud slapping of shoes against the floor that echoed in the empty hall. I continued on with work but after days of hearing the same pattern, I began to gaze up at the clock and log the time of day.

Yep, that sound was timely.
Hmmm I thought

I couldn't see the hall from my chair so I poised myself in the doorway about the time of the shoe slapping arrival, and waited.

Here he came, down the hall, not looking up once to view my presence. He was too in tune with the noise his shoes were making. Right when he got to my doorway I said, "hello Jake."

With the cutest grin you can find on any little child, he looked up without missing a shoe slap, and said, "hello Mrs. Dieballs." He put his head back down not to miss too much of his self made entertainment and continued on his oh so merry way.

Hmmm

At recess I stopped him and asked him if he knew my name.

"Yes," he said.

"I know your name is Jacob and you like to be called Jake, right?"

"Yes."

"And you do know my name is Mrs. Dieball?"

"Yes."

"OK, just checking."

....and so it was, I heard the shoe slapping noise in the hall and felt intrigued and wondered why this fascination. I stood in the hallway this time, making my presence more known. Jake gets right to where I am standing and without his eyes leaving the motion of his shoes says, "hi Mrs. Dieballs." I returned a hello and a broad smile that he didn't see.

The short of that long story is, three years later and we still greet each other with hellos and the use of our names....Mrs. Dieballs and Jakes. I had to join in somehow. He was having way too much fun to not invite myself in. I can't say that I do any shoe slapping in the hallway but I have found by knowing Jakes I received some of his energy and love of life. At this age, to Jakes, it all seems so simple and maybe life is simple. Maybe it is as we age or in the way we view life that makes it all seem so complicated.

I use to not like walks in the rain.
Now I do.

I use to never want to ride on a train.
Now I want a window seat and journey on a train - somewhere.


I use see no purpose in sleeping in.
Now I want to experience breakfast in bed - of all things.


I use to not like surprises.
Now I look forward to them.
I use to not like it when I would forget.
Now I have a list of things I want to forget.



I use to think that life never changes.
Now I know, life can be changed and does go on.

Different

Somehow I feel some sense of resolve in my mind today. I feel a peace I haven't felt in this way...before.

Like you, possibly, I have had troubled and turbulent days and also peace and joy filled ones. But this day, these feelings I am having are new.

As if the Lord has finally turned a page for my life. Perhaps I am reaching the mountain top. Yes, that's what I believe. This mountain climb has been a long and torturous one. Although I am not at the peak yet, I feel good in my shoes, in my thinking, in my skin. I don't feel like I am walking in so much darkness. Like the prize is more clearly in view.

Does that make sense?

I know few who are patient with me.
bummer
I know few who have stuck by my side.
bummer

I am glad though that when I walked through this day, I felt YOU were still with me.

Drama

I like dramas, live musicals, plays and all that jazz.

Then there are the solo dramas...hmmm

I work around children and have children of my own so I see plenty of dramas performed by the most precious and talented drama kings and queens.

However, I know an adult who performs drama solos. I don't think they like performing without an audience because I see and hear them try to engage others in their dramas. Some folks join in, most don't.

When you are young and entertain the world in a solo drama, it is kinda sorta accepted and kinda sorta cute. As an adult, the solo dramas are kinda sorta not accepted and kinda sorta not so cute.

I guess I am saying that I kinda sorta wish dramas were left for the stage.

...and so he said, "See what you have done!"

...and the child believed.

...and her heart cried in silence as she searched for a way to let the child know he had not been to blame at all. That what one mans reality appears to be is only in his head and not truth at all.

...and so the child opened his eyes to see the truth that he was not to blame but couldn't seem to fully take hold of it as the man's words were sent with such force and anger. For the child is frail and now the truth appears lost and floats into the atmosphere adrift, once again.





...and as she said good bye to her son, she turned back to ask if he knew for certain that he was not to blame for what happened.

...and so the boy smiles and says he knew all along what was truth but sometimes it is a hard thing to recognize when the assault is upon him.

...and so the lanky boy bends down and hugs her and her heart was glad. They now shared a secret that would build a bond, one they both needed as they continue to subsist.

More ME

Day 4

My final full ME day away from home and I wanted to make sure I fully embraced this last restful Autumn morning, so I left my pen and paper behind and head out to the porch.

A multitude of seagulls fly across the sky. The further away they get, I notice their wings wave against the wind, and now make a white flicker like stars, against the blue sky.

My plan was to keep thoughts at bay and use this time to simply be. But it wasn't so, thoughts began to flow, emotions filled my heart, some recent conversations reveal themselves from their resting place deep in my soul.

There, in the quiet company of the sunrise, I feel my heart beating and am more than ever aware of my breathing as strength and power grow within me. Somehow both in sync with the other.

I don't want this day to leave me. I am determined to end this day stronger and wiser and with more hope that yesterday. I won't look back, only forward. I sit filled with a strange combination of sadness and joy. If only I held a magic wand and could zap the sadness away but then I fear any moments of joy will be gone as well.

The sky is clear. It's a beautiful day, the kind of October day where you need a jacket and find yourself zipping it up.

~~

I'm sitting in an idling car down by the water waiting to take the ferry. Our car follows the long line of others as we board. With a sigh, I feel it coming back to me. I close my eyes and the years begin to move in reverse through my mind. I remembered my first ferry ride, as all the splendor that I felt then, returned. Like with all good memories, first I smile and then I cry inside, only this time it was a good kind of cry.

This last full day was filled with many firsts for me and many memory making moments. Then, like with all good things, I realize the end is only minutes away.

Like me lately, the world around me is changing. Roads narrow, some widen.

and yet....

green leaves still turn to Autumn colors
the winds are much cooler
at 3:00 the school bell rings and jubilant students head for home
ice cream is required and dished for dessert
the arguing, complaining and questioning makes its way into my world

...some things remain the same

I learned that anything from a simple letter, a moment in time, a sunrise, a choice, or one word can change a life forever.

I'm not sure the exact time, but somewhere on the road between there and here, I breathe deeply and exhale out a somber sigh. I can't say I was totally surprised, that the hope I had held on to, believing as I changed, those in my world would accept it and encourage me, but it wasn't so.

And there it is again, so recongizable. Despair, darker and heavier than before. I fight to remain composed. I fight to not let my fears and downheartedness show.

I wonder...
where the fuel that feeds the fire comes from.
if I could, would I want to turn back the hands of the clock or fast forward them.
if the blame storming sessions will subside.
if the 'it will get worse before it gets better' has arrived or is there more to come.

Most of all, I wonder if I will sleep tonight.