Monday, November 28, 2011


There are just certain things in life that are better off unknown. Things you wished you'd never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt.

Life was much easier when I was younger. Life was easier to accept and endure when there was so much t
hat I didn't know, see, hear or have to feel.

One day my eyes were open to the world. I asked questions. I worked through memories of my youth in search of answers and found more pain than I could deal with. That, added to the realization of the facts of what the people were like in my world and how what I thought was, wasn't, led me to this state which is no state of being or feeling alive.

I grew angry. I gave up. I gained strength to fight again, knowing that surely this is not how people should act, that surely there are others out there who have true hearts that are filled with ca
re and compassion for the human race.

I grew weary. I became indifferent. If I didn't care anymore, if I walked through my days without emotion then I would not lay my heart out for others to tread on.

There comes a time, perhaps, when you sink so low in the pit of despair that the only way out is to fight.

...and so goes the journey to find what I believe is true...there has to be others out there who have a heart like mine....

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

Complex layers


....of feelings. Feelings you didn't even know you were capable of having. That kind of pain has a memory all its own.

Traffic. The wheels keep rolling like the days that keep coming and yet realities are still not clear. However, the world keeps turning and life moves on - kinda sorta without me.

I wonder if those I think on ever saw my face or heard my words at all.

Bullies - they are everywhere no matter how young or how old you are. It seems the onl
y way to win the game of life is to become a bully myself but I refuse to engage in that process.

But, I got ahead of myself so I will begin more at the beginning.

I was asked how I have been doing lately. It was difficult to express. When a person has been in a car accident, there are at times, injuries. Days, weeks and months can go by before other symptoms might emerge. The healing time, emotionally and physically can take years. That is the way I can best describe how I am doing - attempting to heal as more symptoms emerge from the last two or three years of my life. I felt like I was slowly coming to after a horrible car accident and everything was in slow motion.

People, not all, I worked with who I thought were m
y friends, I discovered weren't.

People, not all, whose job it was to support me and protect me, chose not to.

For now, I go through each day in a fog. I try to put the reality of those experiences behind me. As I try to sort it all out, I avoid engaging in conversation with any of them.

I chose not to make new friends for fear of it being an unrealistic expectation. I work at my new job then return home to the confines of my room.

Perhaps if I had been a stronger person I would have made it through unscathed. I feel disillusioned. What happened during those years not only effected me emotionally but physically as well which I supp
ose is normal. At least something about me is normal.

I keep a day planner with me almost at all times. It is at the point that if I don't, I might forget to be at an appointment. My mind is to cluttered to think clearly. I wish I could simply make a list of my thinkings and ramblings and scratch a few off each day. I would then see the list grow and that is something I am not ready for...yet.

I have given thought to sharing with each one of those people how I feel....I would say to one - I trusted your words. I trusted my son in your hands. You put him in danger and in harms way big time. I allowed you to gain my trust. I allowed you to interfere with my well being. I allowed you to destroy lives of other people as I sat and watched in shock, too horrified to rectify what you had done. It was territory that I had never been on. You have a lot of people fooled and trapped. I am sad for you.

To another - I am unsure how I fell into the assumption that you knew what was best for my life. I am unsure why I thought it was OK for you to govern my life and when I did not continue to comply, why did you find it your task to vomit those words in my space?

I am weary of trying to figure it out.

it is what it is
wish it were what it could be



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Strength


There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this...

Sometimes you can feel such a moment coming. That's the test, or so I tell myself. I tell myself that at times like that, strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're going to find.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Something is always happening no matter where you are or who you are. But, when it or things happen, people don't always see it. Can you relate? At times it's hard to understand or accept it but.....



Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Inner Scars

We sat side by side chatting about this and that, mostly about that.

He turned in my direction when he spoke. I looked back at him and for the first time in a very long time, I saw the scar on his forehead that seemed more prominent that it had.

Some scars are physical. I knew how he got the scar and the reminder of the incident, being on his forehead, would forever be a reminder to him. In his eyes I saw the inner scars and in his words and his voice at times, I could feel the inner scars from his life.

We share that in common, we both have inner scars which many people do. Scars that seem to leave an opening that never completely seals which leaves a person vulnerable in life.

I asked him to make me laugh. He did. He told me a funny story. I laughed and it felt good, kinda sorta like a release. I am not sure if he knows that his funny stories are like a healing balm...or does he

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Lost

I knew him but I didn't. We were friends but we weren't. Does that make sense?

Who really knows a person...hmmm I wonder

He was a physically strong man, smart, nice looking, kind and caring. The kind of guy who was always looking out for others. In some cases, forgetting to care enough about himself.

Then one day a horrible tragedy occurred in his life. A moment in time he couldn't take back. Things he said and did during a moment in time that were so unlike him but then maybe that was in his character. After all, he had never been put in that circumstance before. How could he or anyone know how he would respond.

It was hard on him. The tragedy was rough. It affected not only him but many people in his world. He went back to work but I could see it in his eyes - he was not the same.

Days went by and he wandered through his work day as if he was on the outside of himself, prompting his body to move forward. He spoke little, as if there were no words left to say. Maybe in this new world that he was entering he had not yet figured out the language that he had to acquire nor the way to be as he was still not the man he was.

Therapy didn't seem to be of help. Friends advice were words that bounced around the room. No one understood or could relate to what he had experienced and yet they insisted he make changes, let it all go and be the old buddy they had before that tragic day.

He became angry - at the world and at himself. He mourned the day and questioned who he really was. Had he been sleeping all of those years that had passed and who was this person they wanted him to be.

Nothing made sense anymore.

I could see it in his eyes. He was not the same person. I saw a lost man in his eyes. I wondered if he would ever find his way back again. I wondered if he would ever find happiness, if his smile would ever return.

I don't recall how long it was, more than months but not longer than years until one day as he walked past me, I could sense something had changed in him. He had found answers to his questions, at least some of them. He smiled. His eyes were bright and cheerful. He seemed excited about what possibilities there were in his day.

I was happy for him and jealous at the same time.


and so it was.......just as he was beginning his new life, tragedy struck again. This time, tragedy took his life, along with the answers to my questions.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

5 minutes

"Five minutes away." That was the text message I sent one of my sons to let him know I was almost to their house for a visit.

My stomach muscles were tight. I was anxious. I had been on spring break from school and in trying to conserve gas, as gas prices are WAY too high, I opted to make the 40 minute drive only twice instead of the 5 day trips to work then stopping to visit them in between jobs.

It was only a matter of moments before I arrived but during then, I thought about how we might spend our time together, I
wondered if they were both up, if they had eaten and if they hadn't, what could I make for them, if we would play Yahtzee or a card game. Maybe they had a new puzzle we could work on together....

Finally the last corner to turn on. I pulled onto the gravel easement road. One hand was on the seat belt 'clicker'. As I pulled into the carport I could see out of the corner of my eye, the side door to the house open. Tears of joy welled in my eyes. I wiped them away, grabbed my keys, purse and cell phone then headed to the o
pen arms of the biggest part of my life......

~~


Five minutes away....only this time it was in the opposite direction. I was heading back to my apartment. If only....but if only's are only wishes and wishes don't always come true. My stomach muscles were tight. I was anxious.
..

Out of all the parts of my life, being a mother is the TOPS.



One day I will be just like Elmer Fudd, owning a mansion and a yacht. My children and grandchildren will be with me.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Dreaming


I heard it said...."if you don't know where you are going, you might end up somewhere else."

I had not given that thought before. I have been kinda sorta moving through my days and kinda sorta sleeping through the nights, not really having a grasp, goal or focus where I am really going. It has been more like finding creative ways to exist in this part of the hundred acre woods with all the wolves, hoping a gentle creature from the woods will guide me. Are there any fairies out there.... :)

I gave those words thought as that is what I do to every word that is spoken to me. I determined that I have stayed in a holding pattern of survival for too long to where I am kinda sorta stuck.

It has been said to me that my dreams and wants are too big. Hmmm
Maybe those speaking the words think too small.

If per chance to dream....I will wait for a sign where to move on to. I would like to turn back the clock but in reality, that is not feasible. If I have time and a break available, which I am seeking to find, I will make my world new. One day...soon I hope....I will open my eyes to that brand new day. I will have renewed strength to greet the day and embrace all that comes and know it is heaven sent.





Sunday, April 3, 2011

problems

Uh, I have two problems.

One: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

And two: I don't know who you are anymore.

Saturday, April 2, 2011


I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wishes


If wishes came true, my life would be a redo, with the knowledge I have now...then maybe life would be sweet but not without mistakes as I am human, even though I feel a kinda sorta alien at times. And most certainly, I would make HUGE changes in what I say, do and where I am today.

Or perhaps,
if wishes came true....
I should simply wish
to fly away

Monday, March 28, 2011


We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt.

It can hurt people we love,
people we don’t,
people caught in the middle,
even people who would give anything if they could just never, ever get hurt again.

But sometimes the hurt can’t be avoided. It’s just coming at us and can’t be stopped, it’s in us and can’t be seen, or is lying next to us in the dark waiting.

But sometimes it doesn’t come at all. Sometimes, we get this other thing that flutters down out of nowhere and stays just long enough to give us hope.

Sometimes but rarely, barely, but just when we need it the most and expect it the least, we get a break.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

New Territory


I entered new territory recently, kinda sorta had to cross boundaries. My mind whirled in chaos. It was an odd sensation when one day I found a comfort, a glad heart and a wee bit of peace in this new land. I am still out of my comfort zone but those around me are not sensing my uncomfortableness. They accept me. hmmm odd

Even more unusual is the world of routine that I have lived in and felt the most a part of, now is where I am very lost. Some how, without my intent, I am
a stranger.

Change, yes, I have encountered change in my life and am doing my best to adapt. It has not been an easy road but one
that I knew had to be. However, it seems the changes are causing others to be unhappy with the new me.


...and so it was...I questioned every step I have made in the past year and tried to understand where they
were coming from, what they were viewing. I spent a great deal of time pondering what it is they wanted from me, what I needed or could do to help them be more accepting of me as I am. Then I began to ponder why many of those I call friends, were not accepting me. They knew there were drastic changes in my life. There are changes taking place in many peoples lives that cause a change in the way they walk through their days, how do they handle it all?

So, what to do.... accept that it is what it is???
and so it is....I wonder....again

Saturday, March 12, 2011

He Said She Said


He said......... she said

It was more like

They said..........I said nothing

I wish I knew how to speak up for myself. I prefer to endure rather than make waves. Most of the time I find making waves creates more of an issue than the issue was to begin with.

I am weary

I can't even remember how long it ha
s been since I started my new life as a single person. I had been married 31 years. It felt like I was thrown into a new world. Everyone from strangers to friends offered advice as to what I should do, how I should live and spend my days and nights. All I knew is I needed a change and desperately wanted to discover who I wanted to be...who I was.

My mind opened
to possibilities and the change began. It wasn't easy. I work long hours having to work two almost full time jobs but sometimes 'it is what it is'. I admit there have been and are times when I loose track of what day it is, especially when I wake up in the morning and have to take a minute to remember what job I am going to. So, I put up two calendars, each one listing special events I have to remember like birthdays and a play day with a girlfriend or one of my sons. I put down paydays and what bills I would attempt to pay.

At one of my jobs, I am in a position that is new this year. Having been there eight years I am use to the process and tasks but this year I am changing tasks almost every hour so my mind has to move with the changes.

I punch the time clock from that job...so to speak...and head off
to visit my sons and check on how homeschooling is going for my youngest son. I am not especially pleased that I have been put in charge of being the solo one to handle the homeschool process being that he has two parents but again, 'it is what it is'.

Off to my second job. First I have to stop off at home to change clothes. In the beginning I took my clothes with m
e and changed in the staff bathroom but felt a need to take a moment to adjust by coming back to my apartment and change there. That way I can take a breather from the jet pace my life has become. It helps.

My second job is enjoyable. Kind of
a nice way to spend the evening. I am learning a lot and know the expectations more clearly than I do at my other job so I find I am more productive.

I'm rambling...I know....but with a title of ramblings you expected that didn't you?

~~

They said I was

sporadic
not the old me
appearing unhappy
appearing tired
not communicating
over worked
not taking care of myself

They said I needed to be the old me, the one they were familiar with.

I said.........

nothing

I guess that is not completely true. I did say OK. I did listen. What I heard is that 'they' are not understanding that I recently went through a death of a marriage and still trying to adjust. It affected my wo
rld in a big way. I feel the duty to make certain my children feel stable and still loved just as when I was living with them. I have to take on two jobs to make ends meet which takes up a lot of hours in my day. I have a person in my life that sends me text messages with a plea for help at random times and I feel a need to stop what I am doing and work through a process to help them. That person lives in another state which makes it tricky. In the midst of whatever I am doing at my job, I have to focus on that persons needs because I care and promised to have their back. In a matter of a few minutes I then have to refocus on the task of my job while pondering on what text message will arrive next from that person who I love.

When I am a
t my second job I don't keep my cell phone with me. When I get to my locker at the end of my shift I often times find 7 to 10 text messages ranging from my children to that person along with other friends who want or need and then there is the occasional 'hello friend' ones that I welcome. I sit in my car in the parking lot and respond to the texts the best I can knowing I should be curled up in bed dreaming sweet dreams.

I put my car in drive and head home. Chores to do, clothes to iron for the next day, figuring out what to eat as there has not been time fo
r that in my day but find I am too tired to eat so I head down the hall to my bedroom, close the door and crawl in bed. I wish sleep came easy but it doesn't. You would think after a long day I would be but my mind is on overdrive going over the day and making sure I didn't miss anything.

The wee hours of the morning arrive as I watch the digital clock rotating to new numbers. Somewhere in the not so quiet darkness of night, I fall asleep. I wake often hearing the neighbors laughing and chatting. arggg My eyes open and I see it is already time to wake up. I wonder how long I a
ctually slept. Doesn't matter as I have to get up and get moving........welcome to another day Nancy, ready or not...









Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Every Step....A Journey


How did you survive? I feel like a willow wafting, just drifting through a churning mess of life.

I can't really say for sure how I survived. One step at a time I guess. Some days I slipped and fell hard. I waited for someone to help me up but there were times when no one heard my cry for help.

Maybe you didn't speak loud enough.


All I know is I am here now where the air is clear. I can breathe, it's kinda sorta hard to explain. You don't think you will make it some days, at least I didn't know for sure how I would or even if it was possible.

It seems I am doing all I can do but the storms - they kept coming, one right after another. The tears are falling like the rain.

There will be times when the tears will flow and times when you are barely holding on. Moments will find you like I was, holding on to words, feelings and people of my past. Some things are hard to let go of.


I have more I need to know, more questions that need answers......

Questions - don't ever stop asking them.
Answers - they will come in time.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


there is much she is fighting inside, even though the smile on her face hides the battle well.

piece by piece, she is falling apart.

with every beat, her heart slows down.

there seems no turning back on what you can't save, for the
broken hearted.

still, time ticks on. there is not always a second chance.

her world is filled with strangers, even the reflection in the mirror reveals a stranger.

how does a shelter become a prison? where is the key, where is the best way out?

cold silences fill the empty spaces she roams each day and silence keeps her awake in the dead of night.

the night sky is filled with stars that are falling down...and she wo
nders....where did she go wrong.

maybe she danced on the moon too soon. maybe she lived in the shadows for too long.

there are times when even the best laid plans fell apart in her hands and good intentions never end the way she intended them to be.


it's tears and rain as memories flood in. she searches for comfort in the pain and wonders.....when the time is right, will she close her eyes and find her dreams become reality.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Point Being...

My point of this day's blog is to ramble so please don't stop midway and say hey, I was never warned that this would ramble on and on while I search for the point of it all.

~~~~

I wish life events came with a warning. I am not a kinda sorta girl that likes surprises and well, life has plenty of them.
That does not mean I don't want to participate in life or always stand on the sideline of life, but I do a lot of baby stepping which keeps me safely within my comfort zone.

All I ever wanted to be was a mom and a P.E. teacher. I remember one lonely day when I was 17, coming home from school and finding the house empty...again. When I ask mom about that ... some 40 years later, she claims I am WRONG, she was always there when I got home from school. Hmmmm go figure

I walked over to the hearth above the fireplace that mom never used, picked up my senior pictu
re and wondered who I would be one day. That is when I knew a mom and P.E. teacher were going to be my goal.

My older and younger brothers were both gone from home at that time, my two MUCH older sisters ;) had gotten married the previous year, my father had requested mom and I move from California to live in the wet state of Washington right before he passed away in October of 1971. I remember the month so well as if it were stil
l a current event. I remember a lot of wondering going on in my brain during the days when we, the family, sat near dads hospital bed in Long Beach, watching him slowing become a stranger until one day the bed was empty, he had moved on and left a lot of unanswered questions - in my mind, and an empty space at the head of the dinner table - that is, when he was home.

The odd thing about that month that gets me is my younger brother was born in the month of October and was there a sign or reason for dad passing away during that particular month? I find most things in life are not just by happenstance and so I have pondered that over the years.


I became a mom. I did not make it as P.E. teacher. I did not have friends to speak of growing up but have a plethora of friends now. I still can't do rock the cradle with a yo-yo but I can unwrap a dark chocolate candy bar in perfect silence while sitting in a movie theater. I run funny, my boys tell me I run like a girl. hmmm But I am a girl I tell them, to which they reply, "No you're not a girl, you're a mom." I responding by telling them how delighted I am to have that knowledge for my journal and will be sure to share the info with all the other non-girl moms I am friends with at our next 'gotta have ice cream' night out. I can't play piano or guitar, both of which I wish I could, but I lip sync very well.

I wondered what the point of my life was ... again. Do you do the same thing - from time to time ponder what you have accomplished and look around at just where you are in life and mumble, 'what's the point?'

If by chance those words cross your mind, think about this, if you will....

Is it not a fact that where you are in life at this moment, whether pleasant or not so pleasant, revolve around others? Are you not a gentle ripple in many lives? The child at a park, who sat with feet dangling from a swing, their arms stretched up high and hands gripping the chain and you wondered how such a tiny body even hoisted themselves up that far to get into the seat. You made a moment happen no matter how insignificant it may have seemed, as you walk behind them and gently guide their motion until their feet are sailing in the sky. You helped a friend out who needed a listening ear. Have you baked more brownies than you felt were safe to have in your home and shared with staff at your work? You made a ripple of joy in the world. What about the phone call to your parents?

So, to say your life is pointless, is kinda sorta like saying those people have no point or meaning either. Am I right or is that crazy talk? Even if you are in a place right now that is so dark you can't feel the warmth of daylight, if you think that nothing you do or say makes a difference, when last night began the first of every sleepless night, if there is pain in your heart ........

You can fill that paragraph up with your own thoughts. All I know is that I kinda sorta feel that I have nothing to offer. I never feel I do enough for my children, that I must not have been good at being a wife or things would not have ended as they did, and at times, I feel I let my friends down when my too short budget does not allow me to hang out as often as I am asked. So, what then is the point.

Point is, if my sister were to say the very same words I would tell her how much of an impact her early morning text messages mean to me and what would I do without her if her text didn't come one day. If my youngest son felt that way too and did not text me preciously at 9:00 p.m. every night to tell me good night and he loves me. If my friend from Turkey thought those thoughts and did not show up for work so I could see her smiling face and hear her contagious laughter when I tell her a joke (that I would have to explain due to her lack of the English language BEFORE she laughs :) ).

I guess what I am rambling on about is when you or I feel our life seems pointless, and you or I feel we don't seem to be making headway at all...

as for me....I will ponder those in my life that have made a ripple effect bringing comfort, joy, laughter and a reason to face another day, to mine and then rethink how I am feeling about the gentle ripples I make.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Morning Conversations....


These are the days of our lives, she said to me and this day has been marked in permanent marker as laundry day for the past 60 some years. Being she is who she is, I don't know what is worse, the sorting or her recapping the sorting rules.

It is cold. I want to move south. Want to go with me?

Let's go!

When is the
next flight Ethel?

~~

Why is it you and I seem to have issues with out past that interfere with moving on?

Can't get too far beyond it. Stuck sorta. Don't know the key. I feel like I am a day late and dollar short. Then I think hey, what just happened? Why am I the only one who doesn't know?

Crazy how the mind works and every day stuff triggers memories I would prefer to extinguish.
Maybe if I blink three times I can move on.


Some days I am done with it all. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm just not going to win or get ahead or figure life out. Mostly it is the people in my world I can't figure out. I try to do my best to stand up for myself and speak my mind when I need to but some folks only seem to hear sounds flowing from my mouth. Might even be they hear blah blah blah. I wonder why that is. Could it be I have been to passive for so long that I am not taken seriously?


I think I'll be ok but deep inside I don't
really believe that. Somehow I feel small, too weak to stop all that keeps falling in my life.

Hearts Break

...and so it was, not so long ago, the man turned to the lady standing near his side and echoed the words...."I still love you." She did not return his love, her heart had been broken too many times, leaving her empty. The love that was had not survived the battles.

A moment passed and the man who had just professed his love that lived on in his heart, turned to another lady in his presence whose hand he held. He spoke to her saying, "I love you."

That was when the first lady who believed she had broken the heart of the man who loved her still, knew the words he spoke were only smoke and mirrors. Maybe he did not have a heart at all.

Love can be a beautiful thing but the first lady believed she would never find true love in this crazy world. Hearts break and forever is hard to find. Her dreams and her hope is fading.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I yearn for...

blind devotion

unthinking and unwavering

a cause, a thing, a principle worthy

of absolute loyalty, a truth self-medicating,

a love un-abating, something, anything to which

I relinquish all personal responsibility, semper fi.

till death do us part - to the true believers, the lucky few, of thee I sing

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Norm

...and so it was, I had some good news that I needed to share with a certain someone. After all, it did involve him in a kinda sorta way.

I knew I didn't like talking to him but at the time I had forgotten why. So, I began sharing what I had to say. The news was a profitable situation for both of us.

He said "great", then added, "it was a burden to me."

Oh, hmmm

It is odd the simple words that can cause someone pain and they did. I wondered why there could not be a conversation with that person where nothing negative would enter in.

I hung up the phone feeling kinda sorta down. The excitement of my good news took a downward spiral. Oh bother

The phone rings. I pick up and say hello. The familiar voice of the one who just turned my smile upside down is on the phone to report that the only reason they were a bit gruff was because they had a bad day.

That's OK, I thought to myself, everyone has bad days once in awhile. It's not like he talks that way to me every day...........oh ya, that's the reason I don't like talking to that person, that's the way the talk to me all of the time.

bummer

Some habits are hard to break.


Monday, January 3, 2011

Running

I have a friend I never met...yet. You too? Isn't that how it works sometimes?


I told her in an email, that sometimes I feel like running away. If it weren't for my sons I just might consider not actually running away but making a move to another state just to make a fresh start. Sometimes, those around you and places you frequent, won't allow you to change and make a new beginning.


However, that might not be the answer. After all, the grass is not always greener on the other side. ... or so it has been said.


What do I want to run from -
pain
pessimists
a life that is running me
a world that is spinning faster than I can

At my age, I don't think anything fast would be a good thing. :)

Even though at times, life seems to be a disaster, when it feels as though all I have done to begin again comes undone, even when time seems to slip through my hands, I will keep pushing through another day.


So Mr. Monday, this is me, coming at ya!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Days Off



I had a couple of days off from work. I was alone. Plans I had to be somewhere, just didn't work out. Perhaps that was a good thing. I had time to ponder, time to clean, time to complete tasks from the huge pile of 'to do' things.

Conclusion of my ponderings.....

There are many things that I'd like to know and understand - about me - about you.

Life is filled with more mysteries than I care to participate in. Relationships, MEN, why my feet are cold when I have on socks and shoes, why the heater in my car won't heat up as soon as I click it on, if the frost that blankets my car appreciates the burgundy color it rests on, as much as I do....

I keep looking for signs. I need a sign, something I can see. Yep, life is a mystery.

If this life has a meaning, I wanna know. There must be more...

Are there people out there who take time to truly list
en to words when people speak. Why is it I find so many people aren't really listening?

Is heaven watching over me all of the time, because some days I feel very alone.

Why is there so much suffering in this world and why is it I can't stop caring about the forgotten and overlooked people, young and old, that fill the streets, schools and homes.

Some people say love but it's only a word they use. What is with that?