Wishing

Wish I could like the night time. Sunsets are alluring as it coats the day with their colors. I wish I had more time in my days to stop and enjoy the view.

You'd think I'd like night time as I know that means there is little of the day left to endure and my tomorrow is almost here. Surely then Lord, tomorrow will be better than today... is what I ponder as I snuggle my head into the pillow at night.

Maybe I will like the night someday. For now, night means a time I long for but dread as I creep into bed, laying there in silence, trying not to stir and hoping if I close my eyes, sleep will come. I wake several times, slowly turning my head to view the clock and even when I find only an hour has past, I try not to be discouraged.

I don't like camping either but perhaps, just perhaps, I will meet someone, someday, that will show me the grandeur of camping - in a tent of all things - and the night.

But then, there is the dawn, when the morning paints the sky anew. It ALMOST makes the night worth going through.

....and if I gave them colors. Them - being night, camping and morning - I would.

Night has the perfect color already. Black, which is really no color at all - merely nothingness.

Camping would be orange which is of course, the colors of my parents camping sweatshirts.

Morning, oh the dawn must be shades of purple, my favorite color.

Did I ever tell you that my father drove me from Oxnard to San Diego in search of lavender shoes for a school dance? I have a handful of fine memories of my dad and that was one. It was an odd and random thing for him to do. He had a hard time being happy, friendly or showing love.

Is it possible to miss someone but not miss them? Is it possible to love someone but not like them?

A Princess Story

...and so it was, the dream she had been dreaming of was coming true. Not just any dream but the dream that would take her from the storm where the land was barren, into a strong and safe shelter. No longer would the sun refuse to shine. No more days of being anxious and oppressed. No longer being captive, she would not have to think on what in life she had missed, but allow her mind to be filled with thoughts of what will be. Days and memories of old, washed away by the tides as they rise to the beach. They cleanse and refresh as small collections of seeds to be sown for a bountiful harvest. That is what was near. Yes, the princess, in her grace and charm, would finally wear her crown as she takes the arm of her beloved, her rescuer.

In the wise words of Gus from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding:

“So today here, we have apples and oranges.

We all different now,

but in the end,

we’re all fruit.”

It is still a peculiar thing to me, the place where I work in. The activities that take place in the room I inhabit during my work day is what seems so peculiar - to me. So many people in one room, their purposes should be and seem to be all the same, and yet, I view...apples and oranges.

Not sure which one I would be. My favorite is fresh, crisp from the fridge apples sliced as evenly as possible but then that might mean I am a cold person and I know that is one thing I will never be accused of.

It is still a peculiar thing to me, that as I enter the room I work in each day, no matter the time of the day and yet, I find the same things going on...

Someone sorting stacks of papers for this purpose or that. Up to this point, I haven't a clue why or for what.

Someone sitting at a table using the extra large size 3-hole puncher on yet more stacks of paper that rest on the table before them.

Someone putting stacks of papers into binders. Where the binders go, I don't know for certain but sure there must be a destination. And when they find their destination, I wonder for what purpose. And I wonder if that purpose one day will be revealed to me and will serve its mission in this room I go to and travel through each day of the week.

If I am an apple then it is with an orange I have been speaking to, listening to and discovering that all along she was an apple in disguise and joins me or is it I have joined her. Or have we been woven together. Either way, how lovely it is to find I have an ally.

It's foggy this morning but I don't mind. I can't even see the trees that line the easement road from the window. I can see through the tops of the trees though, that the sky is clear. Why is the fog lingering so low today...I wonder.

I breath in.
I breath out.
I appreciate the morning.

I don't have any friends who enjoy the mornings like I do. And you would think with the blessing of 5 children, that at least one of them would share my joy, but they don't. And so they sleep.

I like the quiet but how I long for someone to relate to how I feel and join me. It's like medicine to my body. On days when I don't have opportunity to take in the morning sights and sounds, I feel like I drag on all day.

A bit past noon now....it is a lazy Sunday. Chores I wanted to do are done and then some.

As I stand at the dining room window I can feel the warmth of the sun. Once again the weather forecast in inaccurate yet a perfect fit for my frame of mind.

The house is still quiet as the boys are all involved in their hobbies which explains why I was able to get my chores done so quickly today. The patio chairs look lonely - think I will accommodate them and go outside for a bit.

In the distance I hear shots being fired. Hunters working on their skills while deer scamper through the woods. Dexter whines at the sound and wants me to pet him. I want to write. I set my pen down and oblige him. I rub his head and scratch behind his ears. His body is still except for his tail which wags, almost creating a breeze of it's own. Dexter is a big, big dog.

As I return to writing, Dexter finds 'his spot' on the patio and does a doggie style dance it seems, as he lays on his back and rubs against the concrete, while his legs whip back and forth in the air. He seems happy today.

The warmth feels nice and reminds me of summer but the leaves that scatter across the lawn remind me Autumn is present and this day is a bonus blessing.



The dwarf sunflowers I waited all summer long to bloom are suddenly on the edge of doing just that.

The cosmos I planted from seed in pots and in the garden because of their wonderful purple shades are now blooming here and there but the ones in one of the pots are all white.

Where is the justice or do I count them all as a bonus blessing just as this sunny, warm day at the end of September?

You know...

...how at times, you find yourself going through waiting periods? Most likely for the Lord's purpose of you being fully ready for whatever it is you are waiting on. Maybe a job, a relationship, or a certain season in your life to pass or to come.

bummer on waiting

Bats and Fog

This morning BEFORE I headed out, I inspected my car for - you guessed it - bats. None are to be found so on I go.

I felt the morning drive was a lot like a visual of my life.

It was, as it always is, a beautiful drive. It was, as Autumn can be, a foggy drive.

However, the fog was in patches then clear sky. Some fog patches were thick, some areas of fog were light enough to see through but yet the fog was still there.

hmmm

At the end of this day, I wonder which one will I circle to describe where I am and how I feel, will it be thick fog, light fog or will the sky be clear....

The Hitchhiker

...and so it was, I was lost coming back from a trip up north. What was to be a short 2 hour trip stretched into a longer 4 hours.

~~Along the way, I viewed a hitchhiker in the back of my car from my rear view mirror.

Ok then. I'm lost. Probably will get a hard time from someone when I get home - which I did. I've got to figure out, on my own, where I am and how to get home.

and

...most importantly, how to get rid of the hitchhiker.

Are you worried - concerned? So was I. That is, after the process of wonderment on how it happened, then how cute - I have to admit that I thought the furry 'thing' was a cutey but the thoughts of seeing if it's fur was as soft as it looked NEVER entered my mind FULLY- then fear and wah!!! What if the bat takes flight while I am on the freeway?

Yes, the hitchhiker running with it's box style wing arms, back and forth along the back window ledge of my car was a bat.

I adjusted my rear view mirror to keep an eye on the 5 inch, dark, far too hairy beast. Afraid and yet feeling sorry for the lost little guy..or was it a gal...

At first glance, I thought it was a mouse. Not that having a mouse running across my car was acceptable, but mice - I am more familiar with and could have adjusted my mind to handling it. A bat on the other hand, was not charted territory for me...yet.

If all my windows were down, the little fella stopped traipsing back and forth. I think the breeze was too much force.

However, as blessings go, here came the rain. Now, I HAVE to roll my windows up.

Hmmmm

Meanwhile, I realize i was heading east instead of west and should actually have been going south - I spy an exit for an interstate I was familiar with so on went my blinker and off I went feeling good about working this getting lost thing through by myself.

Instinct told me to txt the friend I had just left as they were familiar with Renton, which is where I ended up at when I found my bat friend. But then, at the thought of explaining how I am lost, how a bat is in my car and wondering if they will even believe such a story seemed too big of a burden to place on them, I opted for silence. And, how would I get all that in a txt?

I knew I may not make it home on the gas I had since my route increased due to my being 'me'. I see an exit that shows a sign for gasoline. I take it. And, as blessings go, a state trooper was sitting on the off ramp. Must of been waiting for me. I pull up behind him, leaving safe distance between my car and his as I have yet to this day had a gun pointed at me or been arrested and did not want today to be 'that kind of day'.

The trooper gets out of his car and begins walking towards me. I can't allow batty to take flight in the car taking the chance of my screaming or even worse, his possible flight messing up my hair.
:)

I step out of the car slowly keeping back an urge - a strong urge to run screaming and crying - logically, knowing a calm demeanor would appear much more suiting this old lady.

I tell him there's a bat in my car.

He smiles.

I repeat, "There is a bat in my car."

He pokes his head in the back window.

He straightens back up, looks at me and asks me how the bat got in my car.

Again, with great restraint, I hold back a sarcastic response and explain I live in the country and keep the windows down at night.....blah blah blah...

He seemed unsure what he could do so I hand him my sweater and suggested he swat at the critter, hopefully scaring it out one of the now open windows.

He works at it then stops to report that now the bat is wedged. I was not going to let him go with that so I hand him a hanger and with my puppy eyes, encouraged him to continue.

Short of that long story is, soon the bat took flight past the officer and into the world where he SHOULD have been to begin with. The officer informs me that in his 22 years this is his first bat rescue.

I thanked him and had to ask....

so...ah.....if I am trying to get on I-5, where would I find an on ramp?

To assist you in getting through this event I will say that in the end I made it home. I had enough gasoline to get home. The trip was educational, successful and entertaining.

I wonder if batty made it to his home safe.
I wonder if batty found his trip educational, successful and entertaining.

I don't wonder if my car windows are all rolled up though, as I pull into the carport...

What is it about that first cup of coffee that seems to seal the fact that morning has officially commenced?

The sunrise, yes, it's joined me also, although, there are mornings I'd like it to rise a little sooner.

I wonder...

if the morning sounds are there through the night, calling to me, while I lay yet sleeping.

I wonder...

if the birds that now perch on tree tops and among branches, the birds that are all too familiar with my morning routine, sit watching and waiting for my back porch arrival.

Now that the day, this day, has arrived, I wonder...

will this day be all I hope that it will be.

I wonder...

while I am quite content to be alone, why then, at times like now, do I feel as empty as the lone black birds' unanswered squawk.

I wonder...

if I take a stroll, should I head along the wooded trail that leads me to the lake or do I take a lazy walk through the woods that will bring me to that place where chipmunks have been storing food in the hollowed out tree, that fell two years ago during a winter storm.

Should I pick some wildflowers along the way. They are charming this time of year. Or do I leave them for another day...

Yes....this day is all I imagined it would be.

When I am on the treadmill, I check the view out the window or side door. I check to see what Pretty Kitty and Panther are up to as I pass the time. I've learned not to view the tread below my feet while walking , as the tread belt goes round and round. I loose my balance - yes - it is a funny sight, although painful.

In life, sometimes I look too hard at where I am, where I'm going and loose my balance. Life can pass me by in times like those. I'm learning I need to keep my view more on the prize.

Smiles and laughter
days in the sun
nights under stars








Sorrow and tears
days under dark clouds
nights lost in the moon
~N

if only tears were laughter
if only night was day
if only prayers were answered....

fragments of life
now woven together
rest on my shoulder
worn like a cloak
feeling heavy somehow
~N

~~

Have you noticed that somehow you have to eventually let go of everything in this world in order to move on, but there’s one thing that won’t let go of you. Can you guess what it is?

~~

Whenever you feel lonely….
Whenever you feel you are alone, know that you are not, because I'll be there for you.
Whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, you can have mine.
Whenever you need someone to just listen to you, you can have my ears
Whenever you lost your way, you can have my eyes to lead you.
Whenever you don’t have a word to say, you can have my lips to talk.
Whenever you got scared, I’ll be your strength and braveness.
Whenever you fall, I'll catch you.
Whenever you're sad, I'll do something to cheer you up.
Wherever you are and whatever you do, know that I'll be always here for you.

~~

I am...
a little bit of loneliness
a little bit of disregard

I am...
pieces of a broken promise
tears of a broken heart

I am...
the silence of a shadow
the cry of a mourner

I am...
the scar of a forgotten vow
the unheard voice of a listener

~~

I don't know how it started, or when. Feels like there is a break then suddenly it all changes in a flash. I don't know where it will go or when it will end. All I know is that it's hard to go on like this, and well, I'm out of ideas and out of energy, feeling tired too, to be quite honest.

A Plethora of Thoughts

How do days get that way? I wonder. I woke having my agenda pre-set, which by the way, is how I function best.

I remember feeling calm and at rest as I finished up the last bit of work I needed to do before heading to town. Before getting up from the desk, I embraced the rare quiet that filled the house. Laughter and the sounds of love - be loud if you will - but oh how dreadful the other sounds are that darken my world.

Now, singing my heart out while driving along highway 12...windows rolled down to experience the fragrance of Autumn's approach and the extreme coolness of the morning air fills my car, making it less likely for me to sweat so much from the next old lady hot flash. They come without warning you know. I don't think a princess should sweat, do you? I am unsure who to put in a request form to on that subject, do you?

In my view, other than the road and chip trucks, are slight changes in the side road scenery. The most colorful season of the year is approaching with all the good and bad that can come with it.

I prefer Autumn to the word Fall. The season, as each do, brings with it change. If Autumn brings change, perhaps I can handle it with grace. If Fall brings change, hmmmm, Fall and change sound like something of a sudden drop. I prefer to opt out of sudden drops, wouldn't you?

~

The shopping went well. I even picked up something for a friend which felt nice. I searched through the 'make fun of your age' birthday cards for my sister in law but know that someone else wanted to pick it out so I could only giggle and dream but all in all, it was an enjoyable moment.

~

Back on the road home and mind wanderings....'what the promise was - when everything failed, you'd be held.'

While that - tis true- it is also true that there are times when being held is not enough, speaking for myself.

The majority of people I know, feel a hug, given or received, can be quite sufficient.

There are times, when being held, which to me, is kinda sorta a hug, and silence in understanding is all I need.

I have a friend who kinda sorta understands that which I consider a blessing. But then there are times when they say, 'you need a hug' and I, soooo not want a hug.

There are times when I don't know what I need. Times like today when depression casts a cloud over the joy that was shining it's warmth on me only a moment ago.

Depression - what a horrible state of being. Where does it come from? How can I send it away? And, if I can, will depression find someone else or will it dissipate into the atmosphere, no longer being in the form of depression, and transform into a fog that rises to enter the clouds. Then, one day, return to earth at it's appointed time, in the form of rain drops that blesses as it quenches those who thirst?

~
Results of driving and thinking...

This road, this route I take over and over again to town, is so ordinary. Sometimes I think the car could drive itself like a horse who has gone the same trail and does not need direction from the rider. I think I need to have someone along with me to point out beauty that I have long forgotten. Trees I did not notice or even the sleekness of the new Lebree off ramp we have.

That is how EVERY trip was when my children were little. They always helped me to view things real and imaginable with each road trip, whether to the doctor or to school. I recall a funny trip where my son who is now 27, then was 6, wearing his brand new glasses, leaned his head out the window of the car and reported to me that he now could even see ants that were crawling under a rock. I was so filled with joy that he was content to have to wear glasses and so filled with wonder as I with he, imagined an army of ants UNDER a rock. kids...I love them and their minds.

I think, if I try harder, I can find newness in this common, nothing out of the ordinary drive I take all too often and make it joy filled and new by purposing to take note of mini waterfalls that might be forming on the hills lining the highway, or deer waiting under trees for a clearing in the road to cross as they head down to the lake.

In the meantime, I reached for my ipod, tuning out the worries that were beginning to fill my mind and drifted along to Whistle Down the Wind which encouraged me to be rid of the chills and weeping...

~

I have a friend who is very thoughtful. The other day we were on a mission of running errands and job hunting. They led me on an unexpected detour to a Hallmark shop. Why...because I like browsing through Hallmark and for no other reason at all....
:)

~

Today my plan was to make dinner early as it was going to be pizza, which is very time consuming to make. The smell is wonderful and the end result is delightful. As I stopped from chores to check out the time - turns out - this is not early at all, in fact, it's the normal time I always start pizza.

bummer

~

There are many people in my life, much like your life, I assume. There is one person in my life that I have known for many years and yet the thing call communication has never happened.

Ok, communicate we do but the form it takes is more like just words that flow or in some cases, are thrown forth. Oftentimes, the communication is not in words that make sense to me. Sometimes I feel like a foreigner or perhaps they are the foreigner.

Why is that? Is there a course on communication? If so, what if both attend and both, after completing the course, come out with two different views of exactly how to communicate? What then? Would that time have been lost or a worthless waste of time?

~

The day is drifting away from me. I do have much to accomplish and have spent more time than I had given myself to write. Although, I do feel as though writing has helped me today, to be rid of some burdens that just would not let go. And, I did get to spend some time with you, which makes my heart sing.

Thanks for stopping by. Next time, lets do coffee on the back porch.

He moved closer
She moved further-

He moved closer
She moved further-

Once again, he moved closer

She was against the wall and could move no further

Why are you pushing me away
Can't you see you have me now
Where I can move no further
to give you the space you keep pushing for

He took her hand in his
Oh my dear sweetheart
I've been listening and following your heart
As it has been singing to mine
Drawing me closer to you
Calling me to marvel
It is you that has been pushing me away
Come, let me love you more
~N

...and so it was, we were reading about the Renaissance, Elizabeth I, understanding negative exponents and converting scientific notation to standard form when my son asks of me...

"Why do I need to know these things? What is the purpose of these lessons?"

Being the me/mom that I am, and wanting to bring joy in our moment together, I responded with the most logical thing I could say...

"It's all about you and moi' my son. Don't you like spending time with your mother doing home work? Wouldn't it be boring and what would you gain if instead, you were alone in your room or with 'just friends' playing video games?"

All this I said with a smile. The kind only moms know how to give to their children when they are graciously making a point.

Meanwhile, the puzzled look grew to a weary, head dropping, not again, please spare me mom, face on my son. Which I could not leave be, so I concluded with more since I had his attention and time.

"Mommy loves her Baby Davy."

To which, even with his head lowered, I spied a slight smile.

Ok then, life lesson for me. Why must there be lessons to learn in this life when at the time, I see no purpose?

Why Lord, am I learning now a lesson on patience when You know I have taken that course and have file cabinets full of Patience 101 facts. I don't need more lessons, let's move on already...

I'm losing my patience....

A message...

May my words join the morning air
as it peeks in to catch the first flutters of your eyes lashes
as they widen to reveal a new day...
another day.

May you breathe the peace
the new world greets you with
on this brand new day

May it be a day like no other
For it is all yours and no other.

Through these new thoughts
New, as is the day
Into these gazing eyes,
I bid thee good morning.

May it be your best
May love cushion your step with rose petals

while I lie in wait...
time goes at the same pace

only our yearning slows it down
...and I continue to wait

The wind blows free to help you dream

May the sunshine welcome the beauty of the heaven around you, to gladden your heart. Yes, may this day be like no other.

The last place I expected to be is here.
But I'm glad I am here.

The last person I expected it to be was you.
But I'm glad it is you.

You are the sweet glue in life that holds me together.

Stuff

That's what some people might see them as - just stuff.

I have a three inch plastic statue of a woman holding a kitchen towel standing on a white pedestal that reads 'mom'. ...as if I didn't recognize myself.

In my yard near the pond is a large old broken piece of concrete block. It's covered with small black polka dots. In the center is written MOM with felt marker.

Above my stove sits a Mount of Olives Treasurers mint tea box. Three tea bags remain that I will never use.

Wooden cowboy hat and boot, gun, and sheriff badge magnets surround a popsicle stick frame that holds a picture of my son. The sticks are decorated with red felt marker hearts.

A reindeer magnet holds a burlap hanging. On the burlap are three owls in vertical form. Each are made from pretzels and half walnut shells.

Precious treasures given me from my children over the years for various reasons. Not just random but each hold a very special memory - memories they may not recall as the 'stuff' meant more to me than they did or do to them.

Guess that's why I am the holder of the 'stuff'.
I like my stuff.
I dearly love my children.

Complaining

I know someone who is a complainer.

Don't worry, I couldn't possibly be talking about you. :)

I don't recall having a conversation, which are usually one sided - they talk, I listen - where they are not complaining about someone or something.

Seems those who drive with road rage are always on the highway when they are. hmmm

Seems this persons co-workers are lazy or - jerks. hmmm

...I don't like that word too much unless we are talkin' soda jerk and I love soda!

Then one day I wondered if that certain someone would ever realize they were describing themselves. I wonder if when they view the mirror in the morning, they like the reflection they see.

I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.


I've learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.


I've learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.


I've learned-
that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.


I've learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.


I've learned-
that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.


I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.


I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.


I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.


I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.


I've learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.


I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.


I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.


I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.


I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.


I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.


I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.


I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


I've learned-
that you should never tell a anyone their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.


I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, how people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't always biological.


I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.


I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.


I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.


I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.


I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.


I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.


I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.


I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.


I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.


I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.


I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.


I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.


I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.


I've learned-
that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Random things about me:

I miss somebody right now.

I believe faith and honesty are keys to happiness.

I've changed a lot over the last year.

I have many hobbies.

I have secrets, that I can't reveal.

I like rainy days, they help me relax.

I like sunny days, they are perfect for backyard reading time.

I was born in San Diego and went back to explore, which made me cry.

I lived the longest time of my youth in Spokane. I went back to explore, which made me cry also.

I discovered I grew up as neighbors to a friend of mine, and we never knew it in our youth.

I dislike talking on the phone - immensely.

I've come to like P.J.'s.

I love Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

I believe in God.

I find I can't live without music.

I have a lot to learn.

I used to be very shy around people, but I think I'm becoming better.

I've gotten lost in Mossyrock.

I've had surgeries.

I've hugged strangers,which made them/us, no longer strangers.

I haven't tried pushing all the buttons in an elevator or done the 'jump' thing in one - yet.

I have gotten stitches.

Have you ever felt like the loneliest person on earth?

Have you ever felt like shouting your heart out?

Have you ever wanted to take a break from this world? Stop the time, take a deep breath and start everything fresh?

Have you ever felt that you just couldn't go on anymore?

Have you ever dreamt of a friend and woke up just to find that your pillow's wet and your eyes are red?

Have you ever wished it was the end of the world?

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Have you ever been afraid of losing the only person who has listened to what you had to say and had offered his hand to help you?

Have you ever found yourself in an endless maze of confusion?

Have you ever been tired of who you are?

Have you ever missed someone beyond imagination?

Has your heart ever been shattered into a thousand pieces and just when you were collecting and recovering the last pieces one of them cuts through your hand, your almost recovered heart falls, and it breaks again?

Sorting

What are they trying to accomplish?

I wish they could see themselves. Maybe they do see themselves but if only they could see how the view is from this side of the glass window.

Taking notes at meaningless meetings. Meetings with words that are nothing about everything. I don't dare view the notes they are taking but I am sure I would be astonished at what their notes would say. I know my forehead is wrinkled in question. Just what I need, more wrinkles. I am a note taker. Rare to find me without a note pad and if I am, be certain that I am recording a lot of what is going on and will put those thoughts or that moment into words. But at the meetings of late, I find nothing to write as nothing is really being said so I doodle which is so unlike me. Maybe in high school I would doodle but this is adulthood...right?

They sort papers then sort the papers they just sorted.

I was curious. This curious mode has been going on for days but up until this point I was unable to come up for air from my given tasks. So then, I asked, "can I help?"

"Yes, you can sort these papers," she said as she pointed toward the stacks among other stacks. I was unclear exactly what stack of papers she was referring specifically to but felt certain in the scheme of things, it didn't really matter. For a moment I thought a game might be fun and was going to point to a stack of papers and ask ..'you mean this stack or this stack,' but it seemed cruel somehow.

Hmmmm

There before me were two stacks of papers, still warm from the copier. Each stack held half of the pages to complete the book they were, I guess, attempting to put together. The pages were in random order. Some were turned over. I questioned the peculiar set up of jumbled pages as my forehead became permanently in wrinkle mode.

"That's how the copier shot them out."

In Pooh Bear fashion, I mouthed a quiet, "oh bother".

I joined their game. Seemed a way to kill a few hours by sorting papers then resorting - finding places to stack the masses then having to sort through the masses. Perhaps I neglected to read in my new job description that sorting stacks of paper was a required skill. I wondered if this is what madness feels like.

Maybe THEY get paid by the piece work that they handle.....

Disbelief

Disbelief - I guess that is all I can say - the only word I can pull from my head that explains how I feel.

I am - have been -am trying to move forward - be stronger - feel a sense of worth - work through feelings of failure, inadequacy, frustration and fear.

I was doing SOOOO WELLLL. I actually slept pretty well for a couple of nights and went through those same days with more confidence.

Then, little by little, the enemy entered at all the places that cut me the deepest.

How does it happen?

Where does it all come from?

I'm living life, then all of a sudden, I am sinking in a swamp of homework, cooking dinner, the pond needs tending to, ironing is staring at me and not doing itself, my cell phone signals another txt message came through for me to respond to, worry about my job which I dislike horribly, when am I going to find a job - questions and pressure coming at me that I don't have answers for so I try and find I can only throw some response in answer out like a half made BLT or cookies without baking soda that will never rise.

I can't grrrr - It's my own fault so any grrr's go inward.

My job position this year is just what I thought it would be - nope - wrong, it's worse than I thought it would be. Can't elaborate on that but want and need another job.

Homework - I am going to have to figure something out - SERIOUSLY!

Chores - I'm not the only one living here and not the only one with a full time job and yet I am the only one doing chores after and before work. What is with that? Or is it I find it easier and quicker to simply do the chores myself....

There is pressure from people who are pulling me this way and that. Why do they all want me to answer all the questions they have? Do I truly look that intelligent?

Maybe they are comments that sound like questions. After all, they weren't handed to me in writing ....hmmmm

I hoped sitting for a moment and writing would help me through this. Oftentimes it does. But this time it's not helping much.

I suppose part of it is because I have been up since 3:00 this morning due to worry so I am tired. Part of it is because I know there is SO much more left in this day to deal with and unfortunately, the unknown of how the rest of this day will unfold is what is really causing some stress.

A thought just entered my wandering mind...If I ever so politely asked my lovely and most friendly umbrella for a lift to the clouds, would it oblige me....

Chasing the Wind

Your life has changed. Fact is, I sense it is still changing.

You are right. I guess the new life has molded itself to me so well, it now feels less strange and more familiar.

What about the old days, the old ways, won't you miss them? Don't you feel a void?

In past days, I chased the wind a lot. Always thinking there was more, somewhere along the way I gave up.

It just was - now - it just is.

Don't you understand?
Fools like us are always dreaming.
And when you go to bed
And cover up your head
It's better if you try to stop
remembering.

And the world is slowly dawning
To wake up to a new clear morning.
Some of them just half your age
Get written off, page by page...

And the world is softly sleeping
While your fears are in their
keeping.
Don't you understand?

Invisible Horizon

Part five




Casey and Gwen were inseparable through the days of both sunshine and rain. They moved through each day in step with each others rhythm, fully aware of each others needs, understanding each other and in all ways, pleasing the other.

There was a time when nights' only purpose was to slip into another dawn. There was a time when only loneliness filled their minds and tears flooded their eyes.

Yesterdays are gone. There love has given them wings to fly and dance on the wind.

The sun rose overhead, the thick fog that once was before them, now was so far behind them. No longer in view - the invisible horizon - had finally vanished.

~~
This Day
Jadon Lavik

This day two lives become one
This day a new journey has begun
Our hearts full of lasting love
Brought together by the hand above

To share a life that draws us closer
To the one that we live for

And I will give you my heart
And all of who I am
And I will give more than vows
And words could ever say
Yes I’ll give you my all on this day
On this day

On the cross his love was shown
And this love will build our home
Standing now in front of you
We profess a love we know is true

To share a life that draws us closer
To the one that we live for

And I will give you my heart
And all of who I am
And I will give more than vows
And words could ever say
Yes I’ll give you my all on this day
And I’ll give you my all on this day

On this day, on this day