For the past three days I have been empty of thoughts to write down. I asked the Lord this morning to open my mind and heart so I can write again.
I went home to see my sons after work today. It was then and there, in their presence, amongst all the silly stories they had been saving up to tell me, the hugs and sharing with me of the latest soda pop one of my sons handed to me, is when my heart began to ache or was it breaking. I am unsure of the sounds each make but know for certain, I felt pain.
I always miss my sons, I miss all of my children. I miss being in their life more. I miss hearing their voices and watching them sleep. I miss being there to care for their needs as they do have needs, don't we all? I inspected a bug bite and assured my son it was not a 'tumor' and told him he would survive at least through this night. :) I was handed a flashlight to view another sons mouth to check out 'something growing' along his jaw line where he recently had surgery. I heard all about how much coffee one of them consumes and the concern that the other brother had not left coffee in the pot for HIM. "Yes", he said, "I know how to make coffee, but it tastes better when someone else makes it". I understood.
Might not sound like much to miss. Might not sound like moments you would miss being a party to, but I do.
They aren't babies anymore. I won't miss out on their first steps or first word, but all the same, not living with them anymore, I'm still missing out on moments I want to be a part of.
So, once again I pull out of the driveway, taking a last look at the door to see if they are calling me back or to return a wave. Tears fall. The Lord wipes them away and comforts me. I ache even though I feel the Lord holding my heart. He wraps me in His arms - all I need but yet the tears and pain linger.
I continue my drive home and into the world where I pretend I have it all together. I hope and pray His love will find it's way into the voids in my life as no one else can. In the presence of Jesus, I don't have to pretend or hold back tears or words. Although, at the moment, I am lacking words still.
It's OK, I know I don't have to speak. I'm glad I don't have to do this alone. I don't know what I need to make it OK, to endure the next few minutes of my drive home let alone the next few weeks or years to come.
I am glad He does.
I am blessed He is always there for me.
Rule #1
Be careful what you ask for.
Rule #2
He almost always delivers.
I went home to see my sons after work today. It was then and there, in their presence, amongst all the silly stories they had been saving up to tell me, the hugs and sharing with me of the latest soda pop one of my sons handed to me, is when my heart began to ache or was it breaking. I am unsure of the sounds each make but know for certain, I felt pain.
I always miss my sons, I miss all of my children. I miss being in their life more. I miss hearing their voices and watching them sleep. I miss being there to care for their needs as they do have needs, don't we all? I inspected a bug bite and assured my son it was not a 'tumor' and told him he would survive at least through this night. :) I was handed a flashlight to view another sons mouth to check out 'something growing' along his jaw line where he recently had surgery. I heard all about how much coffee one of them consumes and the concern that the other brother had not left coffee in the pot for HIM. "Yes", he said, "I know how to make coffee, but it tastes better when someone else makes it". I understood.
Might not sound like much to miss. Might not sound like moments you would miss being a party to, but I do.
They aren't babies anymore. I won't miss out on their first steps or first word, but all the same, not living with them anymore, I'm still missing out on moments I want to be a part of.
So, once again I pull out of the driveway, taking a last look at the door to see if they are calling me back or to return a wave. Tears fall. The Lord wipes them away and comforts me. I ache even though I feel the Lord holding my heart. He wraps me in His arms - all I need but yet the tears and pain linger.
I continue my drive home and into the world where I pretend I have it all together. I hope and pray His love will find it's way into the voids in my life as no one else can. In the presence of Jesus, I don't have to pretend or hold back tears or words. Although, at the moment, I am lacking words still.
It's OK, I know I don't have to speak. I'm glad I don't have to do this alone. I don't know what I need to make it OK, to endure the next few minutes of my drive home let alone the next few weeks or years to come.
I am glad He does.
I am blessed He is always there for me.
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