If only it were so, just a make believe moment in my life. And when I reach up to turn the page, all will be well again.
My mind, it is weary. So much to do in my days and with little sleep added to that fact, I found my mind in a weary mode as I took the short walk from my building, which seemed very long to my car after work yesterday. I feel vulnerable. Tears keep wanting to make their way to the surface but I won't allow that...not now anyway.
It seemed the harder I tried to keep secure all the papers I held in my arms along with cradling my coffee cup and then attempting to locate my keys in my over crowded purse was a lost effort. I know I should have been more prepared. The rain soaking my hair was making no sense to me in all the time spent that morning in front of the mirror in the company of my hair dryer. The papers that were on top of my stack were from the meeting I just attended, holding information that was of importance but now the page is more like a mass of ink runs thanks to the Washington rain.
I know I should have been more prepared and would have been wise to have located my keys before I left the building but with my mind on overdrive I was not thinking that far into what I was doing. I merely left the meeting and aimlessly walked down the hall heading outside as if my body were on auto pilot and going through all the motions without any extra effort from me.
I had a stop or two to make before heading home. My first stop put me in a more weary state because a part of me was missing not being able to...well, I will just say it...be more a part of my sons lives. I miss them. I miss opening their bedroom doors in the morning and singing, 'wakey wakey eggs and bacey', knowing that bugs them enough to get them out of bed before I start another chorus. I miss hearing my one sons long talks about the most recent game he is playing, talks that take us deep into the night to where I am so tired that as his words flow out in my direction they float past me like smoke in the room because I am not alert enough to hold onto them. But all the same, I adore hearing his voice and miss it.
I never really liked hearing my other son complain about the order of our world and how he knows for certain who are all to blame and feels if he were in charge the world would be a better place under his control. All the same, I grew fond of his thought process and miss those conversations.
My other son always seem to know what I was thinking and I know he felt the same way about me. We encouraged each other in silent games we played when days were tough for us, when the house was filled with so much anger and pain that even the walls seemed to be seeping out tears of sorrow. It was not a nice place to be but all the same, I miss our times together.
At my first stop I got out of the car and was met by Dexter. A dog that should not be classified as a dog. He is too large to fit in that category. He wanted me to pet him and requested a dog bone. I obliged him. I wondered if he missed my company on the back porch as we waited for chipmunks and blue jays to feed on the nuts that were placed in the feeder.
Post office was my next stop. I found an ad waiting for me in my mailbox. I guess an ad is better than no mail at all. I really did not have a mind set to read a letter anyway, nor the time.
I was sure when I got home I could take a deep breath and escape for a bit to refresh my weary mind but was met with a phone call that had to be dealt with. There are responsibilities in life you have to endure, after all, my philosophy is, work first then play but the play time is taking too long to arrive these days.
So I keep my wheels spinning as I feel my body sinking down even further. Predictable I suppose. I could do better with managing my time and my mind thoughts but somehow I feel afraid of falling, or more to the point, afraid reality is losing it's grip on me.
Where are the strong arms to hold me when I need them?
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