Going places

I'm going places I never thought I'd go. The road is winding too long at times but I carry on all the same.

I feel like a beginner at this thing called life. Every day and every experience is new, well, almost every experience. When I look in the mirror I see someone I don't recognize. As I take steps on my daily journey, I see a wall before me that is almost clear enough to pass through. On one side is who I am and on the other ... well ... who I want to be.

I wonder when I will arrive

The 'D' Day

Thursday, May 27th is the day I wrote this, the day I experienced another awakening as I work through the joy and sometimes pain, of discovering who I am becoming, who I want to be and where the road that lies ahead of me, might possibly take me.

About a month or so ago, someone I know, discovered that I pass them each morning on the road as we each head in opposite directions to work - which is much like a description of our relationship.

That is about the time when my kinda sorta calm 40 minute drive to work became - well - kinda sorta unsettling.

The dry heaves had entered my morning commute which was a customary routine during the last year or so when I was still living at home. I was unclear why they had returned. At first I gave thought to the 3 or 4 cups of coffee I down before and on the way in to work. HEY, what else would YOU drink at 4:00 a.m.?

Then it came to me...I also am suddenly filled with anxiety when I reach a certain section on my morning route. My cheery, perky mood becomes a sad face and sore eyes from crying and having dry heaves right about the time I am passing where I use to live.

It's my fault - as usual.


It's my nature to blame myself.


It's in my character to dish out kindness instead of harsh words. You know - kinda sorta lift people up - even those I might like to lift up and heave over a fence.

So for me to deliberately do or say hurtful words or things is out of my comfort zone.

This is the intro to the 'D' word. D I V O R C E

I have been separated for 6 months - May 21st.


Since then, I have learned how to...

breath


relax


find adventure


establish my own bedtime


and eating habits


pamper myself


and smile


This Saturday, today, is the day I am going to tell my sons and husband (as I hand him the papers) of my intentions, desire, want and need. It is all of those things. It also feels selfish. Am I giving way to crazy talk? Perhaps, but all the same, that is how I feel.

So, knowing my intent now for these past few weeks, I have found passing his house each day and having to wave as we pass, has brought on minor panic attacks.

The blessing is that I love my job and adore 80% of the people I work with. I am able to be filled up with joy, love, smiles and hugs from friends and as always VERY entertained by the students.

Part 2

...and so on my way to work Thursday, just after I pass you know who, I suddenly spot one of my sons driving in my direction as he heads to work.

I wave

He does not see me or respond

As a joke between us, I text him and ask why he didn't respond with a smile and wave when we passed just now.

His response:


"How do I know its not just some weird old lady? What would she think?"

I continued on my drive, taking the last turn onto the road that leads to my work. I had a giggle that my son provided and knew that the kids would soon be arriving. I have belief that the path ahead of me will bring me clarity and endless joy.

It is well with my soul

Facing My Life

I could live my life...
alone and never fill the longings of my heart.
without ever feeling the healing warmth of your arms holding me.
without dreams or wishes I make on the stars that fill the night sky, even though at times, the stars seem so very far away and out of my reach.
without knowing the thrill of what could be.
without many things...

I could survive that way.
I could carry on.

But now I know, I can't...
face my life tomorrow without your holding my heart.
live a day without you.

For now I know...
There is no night.
There is no day.
If your arms are not - there holding me.
No, tis true, I can't face a day without you.

The Afternoon Was Blue

Sunday morning, after getting out of bed, I poured myself a cup of coffee and traveled out to the back porch and sat on the steps. It was nice out.

I noticed the Gerber plant had two new buds!

That caused me to smile.

My poinsettia that has endured my tender care but not so green thumb, has somehow survived, sprouts new growth and seems quite content to be living among the other treasures that live on the porch.

I felt something tickling my toes. I assumed it was a spider. There are far too many baby spiders being hatched on the outside walls of the duplex I live in, at least in my opinion. Every time I help them to spider heaven, wherever that may be, I think of Charlotte and wonder if she would weep in disapproval.

However, this time it was not a spider but sprinklings of rain. My toe nails, that are already sparkly, were even more glistening from the moisture the sky was providing.

It caused me to smile.

I listened for my animal neighbors and their sounds. They must sleep in on Sundays. As I was washing my car on Saturday, I had heard a new sound. It was either a goat or sheep. Ok, so I am not a farm girl...does wearing pigtails count? Anyway, I did not hear the donkey at all during the time I was outside yesterday but I did hear the goat/sheep. I visioned the donkey somewhere in that same pasture with its head down pondering his position of love and care now that he was sharing time with a new family member.

I scooted up the steps and seated myself on the carpet just inside the room. My feet were now on the dry step that is shelted by an overhang. I took a sip of coffee. It was still hot, just the way I like it.

It caused me to smile.

I thought about all the tasks I had accomplished yesterday. It made me feel good inside.

...and caused me to smile.

I gave thought to the trip I will be taking next month to visit my mother and sister in California and felt my heart miss a beat with excitment. I thought about the students I will be seeing tomorrow at work and how in a few months they will be moving on the first grade, making way for a new set of young people to grace their chairs in my classroom next fall. I thought about the upcoming cooking dates I have set up with my sons also.

It all caused me to smile.

Most of all I smiled because it felt good and like a healthy thing to do. Too many days in the past, and there are even days now, when I wonder if the world is upside down or am I? Now that I am in the midst of a new awakening and more clear from the fog that kept me caged for so many years, I find I am in a constant state of discovery as I make my way in this world.

Do you ever feel that saddness, sorrow and bad happenings hover just above the earth, waiting for an unsuspecting human to land on? Maybe looking for someone with too much joy or someone who is vulnerable to a life tornado - leaving behind destruction that cannot be repaired - to enter their life. I feel I have been living in the path of a storm that I didn't see coming, nor did I know it would last so long.

I heard it stated that sometimes life draws out like a long blade and while at other times, life allows you to draw in a deep breath and soak in the colors of the season. I must say that I can relate to that theory.

There are times when I can't hold a thought in my head or gain sanity when I most need it.

That afternoon arrived coated in blue for me as my head filled with thoughts of a task that I needed to complete in order to gain closure.

I don't merely want to survive anymore so I drew my thought process to take hold of a word - HOPE. There is a road that lays before me. I know it will be a long journey. My hope is that the journey will be filled with days of less storms and be more filled with love, joy and peace that I long for and selfishly feel I deserve.

My future - it is uncertain, but then who of us knows any of our tomorrows for sure? I only know that I am purposefully working to make my days ahead as splendid as my dreams say they can be.

...and never give up hope

...which causes me to smile

Pretending

I am pretending ...

your words don't hurt me

I have it all together

I'm comfortable receiving compliments

I'm not confused in life

Life isn't complicated

It doesn't hurt to talk about grandchildren or hold a baby

(I miss my grandchildren more than words can express)

One thing I never pretend is that I care about you

Just because I truly do

It is written on my face

It shows with my words and actions

I care for

the slow granny I am behind, on the highway, driving slowly when I am in a hurry

the customer loading their stuffed shopping cart onto the check out even though it is the 20 items or less lane

those who are belittled by their peers

the ones with egos so large they pack a mirror everywhere they go....just in case

the homeless

the soldiers who love our country

the children and aged who are forgotten about or have fallen through the cracks

my friends and family...yes, even ma who has mastered the art of driving me to the brink of insanity

Most of all

I care for you because you take such gentle care of my heart

blessings...

Treasures

Lately I have been doing things for ME. Not that I am being selfish, just doing what I should have been doing years ago and taking better care of myself.


I have not worn jewelry in a long time. Mostly because I just didn't feel like I deserved to look nice and on a lot of days, I was too depressed to care so why bother... But lately I have ventured into my jewelry boxes and found that along with a large selection, I also have found memories and much more...


I have been spending time with friends which is a new world for me. I was called on Saturday to join friends for lunch at the last minute. In the past the lunch date would not have been a possibility. It has been as if I entered a new world. In a way, I suppose I have since so much inside my head and heart have changed along with the world that surrounds me.



It is summer time, kinda sorta, so I have been wearing Capri's to work and shorts at home. I remembered about my ankle bracelets that had been carefully stored for a few years in a gold and silver box. I pulled them out. I layed each one across my ankle, checking them out to bring back memories and embrace the new adventure of wearing them.



Today I selected an ankle bracelet to wear. It didn't fit. Too small. Hmmm How could that be? Then I layed out all the bracelets and saw that two or three were much shorter than the rest. That is when it came back to me that I had a few bracelets for my wrist tucked away in that same box.



What a delight to have found the hidden treasure.



Lately my life has been just like that - days when I find hidden delight. So much so that on some days I feel like singing while I twirl barefoot on the lawn, feeling the grass beneath my feet - which is really a very splendid sensation.



Isn't life grand at times?

Echo In My Soul

That's what you are

You are

the air I need to breath

the river of life inside of me

the half that made me whole

the anchor of my soul

You are

strong when I am weak

the words when I can't speak

You never fail to see me through

That's the love I found in you

You are

the shelter from all storms

the road that leads me home

With you

I know I found my place

Hey You...

...it's me, living life on the other side.

What exactly the other side is can only be described as a flip flop of the life I was attempting to survive through.

Today my ponderings are on - if life on the other side is what I am actually living, a place where I breath and feel alive, or is it just dreams in the sky and wishes on stars at night?

Somedays I am scared. Not where I scream or tremble, just think thoughts of being lost and moments of confusion.

However, I know you do know me and "you love me still." I wonder if you ask yourself if it is worth it all - the trials that surface. Do the triumphs X out the trials?

So many memories and so many miles we have each separately traveled on the roads that now lies behind us. We have each experienced moments of laughter and nights filled with tears. Seasons of storms have passed through our life making us stronger and more ready for what lies ahead.

No matter, I embrace the mystery of the reasons for the past and contemplate how strong and capable I am starting to feel.

And now, here we are - re-united.

I am here now.
You are here now too.

Friends for life. Please know when you feel as though you are walking in a valley, if you reach for me and take my hand, I will carry you to the mountain top. I know you would do the same for me. Friends do that for each other.

I feel like I am dancing on the wind. It takes my breath away. Your love makes me able to overcome all circumstances and each time I feel my heart break. When I find I can't stop the rain or turn the tide, you are always within reach. When I look in your eyes, I know everything will be alright.

There is no other place I'd rather be than with you. You are the fire that warms my heart. A single day without you would be more than I can bare.
I just wanted you to know..... :)

My Morning Commute

I like that word...commute. I do a lot of it - commuting - to work and in my life from one chapter to another as I slowly turn pages.

6:45 a.m., I began my morning journey to work. The sun shone high in the light blue sky.

It comforts me somehow.

I don my new shades just to discover that a cloud has shadowed the sun. Even though the sun slipped away for a moment, I trust that it is still there and will return.

Just as I know, that even though I am unable to see what lies ahead in my life journey, I trust that total contentment and joy that had once upon a time slipped away, is still there somewhere and will return to me.

I thank you now, for being patient with me as we walk side by side. And that, as we step on the dance floor (spinning round and round), tis true I have discovered - that you are not a fable or fairy tale.

That comforts me somehow.

...I just wanted you to know

:)

Mom

Never understood her

But, I observed her all the same, watching for patterns to know my place in this world.

She drives me crazy.

Everything has to be exact according to her expectations.

Everything is complicated, nothing is ever plain and simple or easy.

She hurts me.

Phone calls with her always leave me silently screaming inside.

She manipulates me.

I can't live with her.

And yet,

I love her and find I can't live without her.

Have you ever...

...moved forward in an area of your life that felt like the right path to be on even though something kept causing you to look back to make sure you were walking on the journey you were taking, just in case you were in error?

That is the situation in my life right now. The path feels so right. I have sent up my concern in prayer to the Lord and feel that I have confirmation that what I have chosen is right for me. Signs are everywhere and have been all along that what I am doing and where I am going is where I need to be.

And yet, I find myself looking back down the path from time to time. Not to return to where I was yesterday, but to keep making certain that my choice was the right one for me.

Mostly I do that because of others. Those who wish me to follow their plan for my life. Those who like to manipulate. My life has been full of manipulators. When I was young, it was impossible for me to deceiver the difference and so I went along with other peoples plans for my life. As I aged, I continued to be naive and fell into a pattern of allowing others opinions to move me in directions that caused me discomfort.

I am learning to make my own choices. I feel more and more comfortable in my skin, in my walk and in my heart. I like myself more. Does that make sense?

Time

Blog?

Gather my thoughts?

Write those thoughts on paper or type them onto my blog site?

Not going to happen.

Not for awhile anyway.

I don't have time lately to stop long enough to jot down notes of how I am feeling or what the latest happening is.

It has been difficult. Mostly because I feel unable to express my passion which is to write. At least one of my passions is to write, I have a list of passions if you are keeping a record.

But, as my sis told me yesterday in a text message, sometimes in life we take two steps forward only to find we have taken three steps backward.

However, the good news in that, (I always like to find the good) is that the this time in my life of hustle and a lot of waiting is only for a season and I know, like in the past, I will survive.