The 'D' Day

Thursday, May 27th is the day I wrote this, the day I experienced another awakening as I work through the joy and sometimes pain, of discovering who I am becoming, who I want to be and where the road that lies ahead of me, might possibly take me.

About a month or so ago, someone I know, discovered that I pass them each morning on the road as we each head in opposite directions to work - which is much like a description of our relationship.

That is about the time when my kinda sorta calm 40 minute drive to work became - well - kinda sorta unsettling.

The dry heaves had entered my morning commute which was a customary routine during the last year or so when I was still living at home. I was unclear why they had returned. At first I gave thought to the 3 or 4 cups of coffee I down before and on the way in to work. HEY, what else would YOU drink at 4:00 a.m.?

Then it came to me...I also am suddenly filled with anxiety when I reach a certain section on my morning route. My cheery, perky mood becomes a sad face and sore eyes from crying and having dry heaves right about the time I am passing where I use to live.

It's my fault - as usual.


It's my nature to blame myself.


It's in my character to dish out kindness instead of harsh words. You know - kinda sorta lift people up - even those I might like to lift up and heave over a fence.

So for me to deliberately do or say hurtful words or things is out of my comfort zone.

This is the intro to the 'D' word. D I V O R C E

I have been separated for 6 months - May 21st.


Since then, I have learned how to...

breath


relax


find adventure


establish my own bedtime


and eating habits


pamper myself


and smile


This Saturday, today, is the day I am going to tell my sons and husband (as I hand him the papers) of my intentions, desire, want and need. It is all of those things. It also feels selfish. Am I giving way to crazy talk? Perhaps, but all the same, that is how I feel.

So, knowing my intent now for these past few weeks, I have found passing his house each day and having to wave as we pass, has brought on minor panic attacks.

The blessing is that I love my job and adore 80% of the people I work with. I am able to be filled up with joy, love, smiles and hugs from friends and as always VERY entertained by the students.

Part 2

...and so on my way to work Thursday, just after I pass you know who, I suddenly spot one of my sons driving in my direction as he heads to work.

I wave

He does not see me or respond

As a joke between us, I text him and ask why he didn't respond with a smile and wave when we passed just now.

His response:


"How do I know its not just some weird old lady? What would she think?"

I continued on my drive, taking the last turn onto the road that leads to my work. I had a giggle that my son provided and knew that the kids would soon be arriving. I have belief that the path ahead of me will bring me clarity and endless joy.

It is well with my soul