Day: Early Thursday Evening

Place: a parking lot in between two yummy restaurants waiting for my 'dinner dates' to arrive, while sitting in my car.

The aroma is fantastic. I smell steak. I love steak and miss having it. I also love chocolate and miss that sensation and tasteful joy too.

How am I feeling? Not sure, but how nice of you to ask. I do hope it was you and not a voice in my head that I heard.

Five busy black crows squawked as they make their way through the parking lot area, pecking at spots on the asphalt they must be hoping are what they were seeking - tasty evening meal morsels. I enjoyed their company. As I watched them, I reflected on my new life and how I find myself kinda sorta pecking here and there as I seek out where I belong and discover who I am and want to be.

All the windows in my car were down. A cool evening breeze blew through. I could see in the rear view mirror that my hair that I had combed, once upon a time, was now being tossed every which way. Seemed a waste of time to dig through my overloaded purse in search for my comb so I reached my hand up and smoothed out my hair, running my fingers through it and then pulling it together as if I were going to make a pony tail, and tucked it kinda sorta under my collar.

The guests I was waiting for were my son who recently graduated high school and wanted to celebrate with a steak dinner, along with his father.

This past week, I had spent a couple of days gathering and filling out the final set of divorce papers so I could ask for a signature from his father at the appropriate time that night. It didn't happen.

During dinner, my husband talked about his work, the ups and mostly downs of it. He then mentioned that he had announced he was going out to dinner that night to the staff. A question then came up from them, "a date?" To which he reported, "Dinner with my wife and son."

....and so he continues. "They asked if that meant we were getting back together. I told them I didn't know, maybe."

I have had a lot of shockers in my life recently, giving me practice at not only faking being happy but also the expressions on my face. I knew my son was looking at his father and then at me after that statement was made. I am certain my sons are clear on where all of this paperwork and my move out of the house is taking me, as a wife, along my new journey. For some reason, I have not found the perfect words or actions that have helped my husband be more clear.

I looked down at the salad that was in front of me and poked around at an onion ring with my fork. It was the only response I could come up with. I felt if I were to look up at that very moment, my attempt to fake a smile instead of the deer in the headlights expression on my ,could not be switched over quick enough to express a calm demeanor.

Fortunately, he is a talker, so he picked right up on sharing more about the goings on at his work, allowing me time to recover and at some point, join in on the conversation.

Dinner was finally over. I admit I was not as fearful as I have been in the past to be in his presence. I even felt a bit bold at one point and spoke out about how I was feeling about something he was doing. He only laughed and said that is just how he does things. I felt troubled that he continued with his pattern but content that I was gaining on my ability to speak up.

Now we move on to a phone call I got that night from my husband. Before that I must mention a fact in order for you to be more clear of how I felt when I heard the phone message....

I am still working through the process of understanding how to establish the relationship between he and I since filing for divorce. How do people do it? Most of the women I have talked to, divorced under angry circumstances, so there was no issue of a relationship with their former spouse. I am too meek and mild. I know - I get told that all the time. At the same time, I am learning, now that I am on my own, to be more assertive. I knew my son had the dinner coming to him. I knew the place he selected was one I had taken him to recently. I also have a job that has me working nights so I drove up to the restaurant a few days earlier and purchased a gift card for the two of them to celebrate there together, giving them father/son time.

It back fired. I was told by my son that his father said he won't go to dinner unless I go too.

It is a fragile time for all of us in this family right now so I agreed to go, saving my sons well being.

Now the phone call....I see I have a voice mail on my cell phone. I play it back.

"Just wanted to call and thank you for inviting me to join you for dinner."

Hmmmm

I was in a peaceful mood and so not as bothered as I would have been a day or two before. I have moved on to a realization that no matter what I say or what action I take, he hears me but doesn't listen. I will have to keep moving forward, find an appropriate time to have him sign the final papers and maybe, just maybe, when the final decree arrives in his mail box, he will come to the conclusion that the marriage part of our relationship is gone.

I think the medication I have been taken has helped me to become familiar with how it feels to be more in control and calmer. (Ahhh peace, I have missed you.) Thus, enabling me to function in this world that I so oftentimes have wished a fairy godmother would zap me away from, which is crazy talk.

The days are cooler. I am rising earlier which is of help to me. When I get too much sleep I am not as alert. Next week I go back to my full time job and already have the schedule for my part time job. I can see on the calendar that I will be working from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. most days and on the weekends. I have dreaded that thought but have worked it through enough in my head to accept it and cease the worrying about handling the work load.

I have decided to quit worrying about when moments will come where I can stop and spend time playing cards with my sons, as I believe, opportunities will present themselves.

This coming Monday is the last day of summer break from my school job. A few of us gals are going to go get a pedi. It will be relaxing and a nice chance to catch up on the goings on we lived through over the summer. Afterwards, the group are heading out to dinner but I have to go to work at my part time job. I figure it will be good practice for the following days and weeks to come. Most of all, I am thankful I have made it this far, for friends and for children who support me.

Perhaps counting blessings is a good thing to do...often.