Overload

I thought perhaps I had fallen off the wall and broken into pieces kinda sorta Humpty Dumpty style. Actually I feel more like I am skimming the surface like a stone skipping across a bed of water that is still on the surface, spread out like a sheet, but underneath, the current rages.



I feel like that rock. I am not sure who or what tossed me from the waters edge, all I see is crowd of people and stacks of responsibilities that all relate to me. Maybe I tossed myself. I am certain it was not to find an escape or I would never have chosen this route.



Maybe it is better to be like a skipping stone than to be holding on to a rope that is about to break. Maybe I have more chance of surviving this way.



I don't feel anything. Kinda sorta numb fashion. I feel on overload. I had reached a point where I felt the worse was over. Blue skies were on the horizon, within reach. Then a bomb shell, at least it felt that way to me. Seems each time I get to a point where I feel all will be well and the worse is behind me, I wake to find there is more to overcome. It leaves me feeling as though I can't trust that all ever will be well and that I will have to spend the rest of my life in survivor mode rather than actually living.



I think that my brain and heart have decided to separate me from the world I live in. Do you suppose they often have conferences over my well being? If so, I wonder if coffee and donuts are served which would explain why from time to time, I crave a glazed, over-filled jelly donut.



Perhaps I was shielded too much as a child, not having opportunity to experience real life. At this point in the game of life, I don't suppose it matters.

In conclusion to this blog post:

This morning I was viewing images from my online verizon album. When I clicked on one to send to my daughter, a window came up that said, "Unfortunately your time has expired, you will have to log in again." That pretty much, kinda sorta, sums up how I feel. Now, to figure out how to log in again...