Reality Show

My own reality show finally!

I had a fast beginning to my day with many tasks to complete before heading out to see my sons. My heart was pounding as I raced about. Not in a bad way, I was very excited to finally have opportunity to spend the morning with my sons and catch up on the latest...and just be with them. They are so precious to me.

In my car, I headed to the drug store to get my new medication in hopes that my anxiety level will drop to a livable motion.

The first thing I noticed was that I had forgotten my cell phone. I could see it perfectly on the coffee table but not within grasp of course. I couldn't call my sons to let them know I was running a little behind schedule.

The second thing I noticed was a token of love clipped to my heater vent in my car. It is an inside joke between my sister and that came about during my trip to visit her this past summer. I keep it there to remind me of her place in my heart. Sister love...nothing like it!

Finally, medication purchased and taken, a return trip home to get my cell phone and a call into the boys to let them know I was on my way with only having to pick up a donut for each one as payment for being late, did not seem like much of a price to pay. :)

The medication helped me in a huge way. I did not wiggle once...my body wiggles like a cat getting ready to pounce on a toy, I wring my hands or lift them in the air, perhaps grasping for Jesus to take hold of them, and my legs tap when I am on overload and feeling anxious.

When I reread that, I began to envision that I could be a self made band and entertainer with all that wiggling and tapping.

I brought pizza to bake and cookie dough that I had made that morning for us to consume as we chatted. I like being with my sons. I feel safe, protected, and accepted. I know they feel the same way. When we are together, we speak what is on our mind no matter what it might be and sometimes it is crazy talk but that's OK too.I showed them my latest toe nail fashion. They always get a kick out of it as that was not something I would have done in the past - doing something for me.

The time came for me to head back home and get ready for work but not before making a promise to come back next week to take them to a new burger joint in town. They smiled. Their smiles and company warmed me.

With entering a new environment, working along side people that are more worldly than I, combined with actually living in a world that is not controlled by tall fences and few controlling people, I am able to stretch my kinda sorta wings a bit.

I am finding that I look more closely at those I am with each day, at what they do, say and how they spend their free time. I don't want to just be a follower while I am in a self discovery mode. I am more discerning so I don't fall into a trap or group that doesn't fit into who I want to be and who I am deep down inside.

Ahh, at last, perhaps around the corner is my own reality show. Not one made up for me but one that I have shaped and molded to suit me with my own thoughts, feelings and two hands.

Things are changing. Life is getting better, at least the quality although, I will admit to you that I use to consider myself an optimist on the realistic side. Due to feeling as though I take two steps forward then find myself back tracking, I am more of a pessimist. ugh. I am going to move towards optimism though. I promised myself. Maybe, no, I chose to believe that the day will come soon, when I will do more hanging out that hanging on.