Adjusting

I thought I had a life, then one day I discovered that I was not living at all. After all, life is the act of living.

Living or having a life, is unique to each of us. I know some who lives on the edge everyday and they find it splendid. Some spend their days going through the same routine marked down to the minute.

Me, I am in the process of discovering what life is all about. I have required help during the process. I feel as though I have entered a world that I never knew existed. I suppose being sheltered for most of my life, I had no idea how some people live. Some of what I have seen and experienced I like, some I don't like at all.

So far, the adjustments to my new life...

continual chats with friends - it's all good!

ice cream - my new favorite treat

uncertainty - not so fond of this portion of life that seems to come with the new territory I have entered.

egg shells - still tip toeing around

medications - the latest one that my doctor prescribed carrys my mind to a soothing place, a slow motion state of being that surely is not reality. Once I reach that state of kinda sorta escape, I am filled with an urgency to escape. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I wonder if how I feel is anything at all how Alice in Wonderland felt when she took the pill that made her small because I do kinda sorta feel very, very small.

wiggles - my body must really want to dance or enjoys movements because it does it without my permission or awareness until someone brings it to my attention which then seems to create more movement...oh bother!

giggles - for no apparent reason at all, they just burst forth

a secret journal - if I didn't log my thoughts somewhere, I feel certain I will break apart.

a bottle - a place to keep my emotions...I know it isn't healthy to keep emotions bottled up but I also don't feel comfortable sharing how I feel at times. It seems to me that sharing too much will only make it more difficult for me to survive.

All in all, I am undecided about this new life of mine. Sometimes I eat popcorn. I like eating it, then when I am done I don't like having to spend days, it seems, removing popcorn husks from between my teeth. Not that I refer to my life as a kernel of popcorn but hopefully you get my drift.

I would like to wake up and not begin to worry about how I feel. I want to just 'be'.

I would like to sleep a full night without being waken from the rocking that my body resorts to doing, perhaps when I am on overload it carrys with me through the night.

I would like to exist through a week or even a day without the aid of medication.

I want to feel what it is like to be normal. Although, with all of the people I have met lately, I am unsure what normal is. Maybe normal is what we make it to be. It must be normal for all of us to be kinda sorta different. But then I think back when mom would say to us kids, "Act normal", when we were out in public. I kinda sorta understood what she expected but never grasped what the normal part was. Obliviously, the normal she wanted from us was anything other that what we were doing at the time. To be open here, I don't list my mom on the side of normal, so her expectations back then, might have been more on the side of crazy talk.

I worked as quickly as I could this morning making cookies for my sons, getting myself ready for work and my day which was a bit difficult as the medication makes me slow down so I have to give each thing I do more thought. I find myself stopping to remember where I keep my mascara and wonder if I put it on already or not.

I loaded up my car, doubled checked that I had everything and before shutting the door to the apartment, I made sure I had my car key. I set out for the bank. Normally I have some tunes playing but this morning I needed full focus so I opted for silence other than the sound of the car engine and the hum from my a/c.

I did my thing at the bank and headed to my second destination. An office I needed to go to, an appointment I wanted to go to but in reality, I would prefer to not have gone at all and just erase the whole reason why I was pulling up there and parking out front. I set the emergency break. I didn't need to but it helped me mentally to prepare for my purpose in being there.

I walked up to the door. I could see through the glass door several women looking up at me while I attempted to open the very heavy door. I wondered if I were suddenly weak. Maybe it was a sign that I am making a mistake in being there. Maybe it was a life lesson moment for me to show just how determined I was to go through with this.

As soon as I entered the building the ladies all went back to what they were doing. Seems I was the only client at the time. I guess it was meant to be after all. I filled out the paper work, answered a few dozen questions and was excused to leave.

I stood up, headed to the door, which seemed very easy to open from the inside, and while I made my way to my car, my stomach was suddenly tied up in knots and a tear or two trickled down my cheek. Some 'have tos' in life are rather difficult to endure.

I continued my ride in silence to Mossyrock. A few minutes before reaching the home where my sons live, I began to gain excitement at seeing their faces and handing them the cheesecake and cookies I had baked for them. I looked forward to our visit.

The door was locked. I fumbled in my purse for the house key after making a few unanswered knocks on the door. Once inside, I discovered that the boys were still sleeping. One by one, they made an entrance with smiles and welcome hugs, I barely made it to the living room to find my place to sit while they dug through the cookie container and dished up cheesecake. Hmmm if I were still living there I would not have approved of dessert for breakfast but today it seemed appropriate.

I saw the latest owies, I heard about a new chair my son got from a yard sale and was refinishing. I was given information about a new truck one of my sons is getting next week and told how often the raccoon comes from the woods to snack on the bird seed they put out everyday.

Then the arguing started. One of my sons turns to me and said, "Isn't this nice, you come all this way and they are fighting?", referring to his two brothers. Then he joined in on the arguing. Hmmm alrightie then.

The arguing stopped. It always does at some point. We talked about my next visit and what they would like me to bake for them and made plans for our next 'date'.

They walked me to my car and waved as I backed down the driveway. Twenty minutes later, half way home, I checked out the text messages I had heard come through, responded to a phone call then set my phone down. I didn't have the energy to respond to the text messages just yet. I reached to the back seat and grabbed at a bottle of water. I took a few sips of very warm water in order to swallow more medication, just enough to get me hopefully through the rest of this day.

I made a stop at Safeway, a couple of miles from my home, to stock up on fruit. As I walked into the store I felt as though everyone knew what I knew. As if I were wearing a badge that read "Uncertain of life and in training."

By the time I made it home, I found I had a couple of hours to kill before heading to work. The apartment was quiet and cool due to the fan I had left running. I was alone but I didn't feel alone, I felt at home which was really a rather nice way to feel.

I no longer dream, it seems to be a waste of time. I no longer wish on stars at night, although I do say hello, enjoy their company and look for familiar stars. I try not to think too much, mostly I work on focusing and taking care of whatever task is at hand....and wondering if I will ever adjust to my new life.