The Saddest Words

"Oh God, what might have been."

Those are lyrics from a song that I listen to. I feel I can relate.

Life can be rough. Decisions made in life can be even harder to make and deal with. Life hurts and can leave scars that reopen which makes it difficult to fully love again, as if you've never been hurt. A Johnny Cash quote - ...how do you get tough? I increase my faking mode. It's the only self preservation system that I know of.

A side note on faking it. One of my sons, my youngest, has learned the art of faking it by example - mine. He too struggles in life and so he is very aware when I am faking it. I was texting him last night. He asked what I was doing. I told him I was smiling. He replied, "I know that is FAKE. Scene is over."

So the drawback is, those who know me well, as he does, know when I am in survival mode. In a way, that is good, as he recognizes the symptoms and tells me jokes or acts silly to make me truly smile. It warms my heart to feel his love.

It's been said that 'everything is relative. Go make the best of it'.

What if you can't find your bearings in order to 'go'. What if life is at a turning point and you find too many sign posts, being unsure which one to follow the path of in order to make the best of it. And, was the person who made that statement, referring to life in usage of the word 'it'?

I do write uplifting and positive posts but there are times when life is on the downhill slide, and me, being one who does not do well on hills, I find writing how I feel the best way for me, to move on to a more pleasant and solid ground.

I figure if life were always simplistic and blissful, the enemy must be happy with me. Therefore, I embrace the pain, long suffering and hurt...kinda sorta.

A few weeks ago, I posted YouTube video of the song I Don't Need You, by Rupert Holmes. The words meant something to me when I first heard them that are unlike what they meant to me yesterday when I heard them again.

"I don't need you in the way I expected". Tis true as sometimes I am unaware my mind has left me, so when I discover that important fact, it is kinda sorta unexpected. You would think by now that I would be aware of the signs...but I'm not.

"Should I call you up, I won't". Tis true, how would I even know how to reach my mind when it travels away? I don't have the number on my speed dial. :)

There are also lyrics from another song that could not have fit my frame of mind more perfectly as it came across the sound waves the other morning and entered my heart. I thought to myself, 'what timing' this is and, is this a message from God or the enemy.

Of course you and I both know the answer to that one.

So here goes...

"Remember you, remember me, and all those dreams we had..." Tis true, I remember my dreams. Tis also true that over the years, seems all of the dreams I have had filtered through some atmospheric screen over and over again until the dream became nothing more than dust. So why then, at the age of 55, do I keep dreaming? Tis true, the you was who I was and who I wanted to be once upon a time when my mind was functioning and still with me. The me is my mind of course which has left me on occasion. I figure if I get tired of me, my mind most certainly does also and probably even has flyer miles due to all the trips it takes, leaving me feeling abandoned. At that point, I feel as though I am in the clouds solo, taking steps in the air, unsure where my feet will land. I lack words and find myself faking a happy me, through every moment of every day. Ever fake sleeping? Not an easy task but plausible.

"I can almost hear you, as though you're mine and near me." Those lyrics caused me to ponder my lack of mind as I drove in my car the other morning. Before you get nervous for the other drivers on the road, even without my full mind, I can fake driving quite well.

I do wish my mind were more near at times. I felt confident that my mind, where ever it may go, remembers it is mine and won't somehow, return to another person on its return flight. Wouldn't that be awful?

Fortunate for those who live in my world in the hundred acre woods of the Pacific Northwest, my mind is coming back to me, although in bits and pieces. Maybe it is having doubts about returning. I will be glad for its return and hope the day never comes when my mind prefers the company of another destination. Maybe someone in the Caribbean.