More ME

Day 4

My final full ME day away from home and I wanted to make sure I fully embraced this last restful Autumn morning, so I left my pen and paper behind and head out to the porch.

A multitude of seagulls fly across the sky. The further away they get, I notice their wings wave against the wind, and now make a white flicker like stars, against the blue sky.

My plan was to keep thoughts at bay and use this time to simply be. But it wasn't so, thoughts began to flow, emotions filled my heart, some recent conversations reveal themselves from their resting place deep in my soul.

There, in the quiet company of the sunrise, I feel my heart beating and am more than ever aware of my breathing as strength and power grow within me. Somehow both in sync with the other.

I don't want this day to leave me. I am determined to end this day stronger and wiser and with more hope that yesterday. I won't look back, only forward. I sit filled with a strange combination of sadness and joy. If only I held a magic wand and could zap the sadness away but then I fear any moments of joy will be gone as well.

The sky is clear. It's a beautiful day, the kind of October day where you need a jacket and find yourself zipping it up.

~~

I'm sitting in an idling car down by the water waiting to take the ferry. Our car follows the long line of others as we board. With a sigh, I feel it coming back to me. I close my eyes and the years begin to move in reverse through my mind. I remembered my first ferry ride, as all the splendor that I felt then, returned. Like with all good memories, first I smile and then I cry inside, only this time it was a good kind of cry.

This last full day was filled with many firsts for me and many memory making moments. Then, like with all good things, I realize the end is only minutes away.

Like me lately, the world around me is changing. Roads narrow, some widen.

and yet....

green leaves still turn to Autumn colors
the winds are much cooler
at 3:00 the school bell rings and jubilant students head for home
ice cream is required and dished for dessert
the arguing, complaining and questioning makes its way into my world

...some things remain the same

I learned that anything from a simple letter, a moment in time, a sunrise, a choice, or one word can change a life forever.

I'm not sure the exact time, but somewhere on the road between there and here, I breathe deeply and exhale out a somber sigh. I can't say I was totally surprised, that the hope I had held on to, believing as I changed, those in my world would accept it and encourage me, but it wasn't so.

And there it is again, so recongizable. Despair, darker and heavier than before. I fight to remain composed. I fight to not let my fears and downheartedness show.

I wonder...
where the fuel that feeds the fire comes from.
if I could, would I want to turn back the hands of the clock or fast forward them.
if the blame storming sessions will subside.
if the 'it will get worse before it gets better' has arrived or is there more to come.

Most of all, I wonder if I will sleep tonight.