Certainty

Certainty - positive assurance.

Is it acceptable to feel frightened as the memories of long ago begin to return? Sights, sounds and smells - having a want to rediscover them all and yet, hesitating, feeling a strong need to take in a deep breath before going on.

Some memories of my past are so familiar, it's as if they never left me. I'm certain I've waited long enough now. Certain that there is so much yet to say, discover and do.

...as if I never went away

...but then

...I wonder

...where do I go from here

This isn't where I intended to be on this day at this time in my life. Is there anything I can hold on to that will feel real? I believed there was but certainties disappeared.

What now, if I want to survive?

Deep in my heart I've concealed things I have wanted and needed to say, frightened that life will slip away if I speak them out loud. I want it to be ok to have carrots for breakfast if I care to. I want it to be satisfactory for me to wear flip flops on a snowy day as I tend to tasks in the yard. I want to be accepted for who I am, who I have become and who I will be tomorrow, come what may. I want to know that you love me Jesus. I want to know for certain that I am of value and will you show me of what use I am in this daily madness. I want to feel you by my side and know your hand is within reach of mine.

So, I will try not to be afraid, no matter what happens. After all, things aren't always as bad as they seem. I know you will protect me. I know you will be there through every tear. You will be my shelter from storms, refuge from the world outside, safety from the danger. You will heal my wounds and be with me through the tortured nights. So, I will try not to be afraid with the certainty that you are there.