Simple Words - Cut Deep

"You're dad died."

Simple words

The giant size of a man now seemed quite small as he held his head down and slumped in the chair. What could be so intriguing on the kitchen table that he could not look up at me - it was only a place to avoid eye contact with me - I know that now.

It was her, the short but strong one who boldly and proudly made the announcement. Now deal with it. She didn't have to say it. I already knew that was the expectation.

I had just walked in our home, returning from what was another ordinary school day when Margaret made her announcement.

I didn't return any words. I had been in Navy brat long enough to recognize the "You're dismissed" body language.

Dismissed down the hall to my bedroom. A small room but one I embraced. It was the first bedroom that I did not have to share with a sister. Lavender shag rug at the side of my bed. Nice feeling on my toes when I wake to greet a new day.

Across the room is a large window laced with beige curtains and delicate lavender flowers. They stand open as if an invitation for me.

So I stood, finger tips lightly touching the window seal. I was sure this moment is not real and if I actually felt the wood beneath my fingers it might break the trance I was in. Staring out at nothing and wondering. Is anything real anymore.

~~

I wondered a lot from that time on. Wondered why I didn't cry out loud. I wondered where mom was, where my sisters were. I wondered why these people had to make the report of dads death so coldly. Wondered why I didn't know this day was coming.

I heard rumors. Rumors because no one officially talked to me about dad having cancer. I heard mom's conversations, sometimes one sided, as she talked on the phone in whispers for hours to unknown parties. I heard conversations she had with her friends from the kitchen. But no one talked to me.

I wondered had they heard my dad say I was stupid and I might not understand.

I wondered if being almost the baby in the family - yet 16 - did they think I was too young.

Yet too far off, too many years later, I wondered less and less. I knew more than I could handle.

~~

The funeral. A lot had changed in those few days from learning dad died to finding myself again, standing in front of a window, fingers lightly touching a counter, gazing out at nothing. I could hear voices of relatives and friends coming from all areas of the house I stood in. Words but just that, only words. Young and old, some I knew, some I didn't. Young ones running and playing...life goes on.

This time at the window was different.
I stood in my navy blue dress with 10 white flower buttons making a straight soldier line down the front.
Dark cars lined up outside.
Dark cloudy sky.
The moment and silence in my head were broken by grandma's harsh voice, "Come on, it's time to go!"
Simple words

A long held back spring of tears flowed down my cheeks and went unattended.
No tissue offered.
No hugs for or from our family, that would be too touchy feely.
We don't go there, never have, never will, don't know how, never learned...I insist on breaking this cycle

~~

It was fitting, standing around the open, deep and dark grave as rain burst forth that was once held in those dark clouds. At that moment, heaven opened up for me and to me. God and His angels touching my hair and deep into my soul with tears from heaven. Tears of a past, tears for a future. Tears from heaven saying 'accept compassion, accept understanding. This day, this rain, is a gift to you.'