Strangers

I have a couple of strangers in my life. Unless I bring up myself...that would make it three! One is a friendly, long story telling sort of person. The other is an anomaly.

The one stranger tells me jokes and interesting stories and speaks philosophically.

The other stranger doesn't know any jokes, their stories are short and self centered, their philosophy is unclear to me but most definitely not a traveling hopefully sort of vision.

I look forward to chats with the friendly stranger the moment I see their face.

I try to avoid chats with the other stranger. Maybe if they would only reveal their face to me...

Strings

A lot of people pull at my heart strings. Not that they mean to or make it their mission, but all the same, it happens.

One person in particular has top billing recently in 'the pull." My heart aches for them. I tried to find words to comfort them but so far, no luck. I tried to actively bring joy into their day, still no luck.

I won't give up, my heart won't let me.

...someone was weeping

but the world was sleeping.



Sleep was the only exit available and it became my best friend, my source of peace.



I woke longing to catch a view of the world outside through the window. I had to drag myself from the bed to get the best view, to see for certain what I thought I knew. The sky through the only window I had available was not enough for me.



I was glad I made the effort, the struggle was worth it.



I sat crisscross applesauce at the end of the couch. I sighed. A smile finally emerged on my face as I heard the donkey making music for me from somewhere down the road. The grass was covered in frost.



Familiar cars and trucks drove along the road. I could hear the distant train rambling down the track at its appointed time.



It felt good to see with my own eyes that the world had not met with some cataclysmic destiny while I slept as I thought it had.



My heart began to beat like a slow and steady drum. Music of the sunrise warmed me.



I was still once again and I was more certain of what I knew...

The Dark

I went somewhere last night where I have never been before. It was very dark. I don't like the darkness. It was a foggy and cold sort of place. There was no music, the only sound was the crashes of thunder. No one understood the purpose of this place. Those who were there traveled with me as we tried every solution and door of escape. There seemed to be no remedy, there appeared to be no way out.

The only nice thing I discovered about last night was - in the dark, no one sees your tears...continued

Listen

Slow down and listen more.


Behind every speakable story hides an inaudible experience.



So...



Listen up to my heart. I need to tell you what is going on.



I promise to listen to your heart and want to hear what you have to say as well.



Sometimes my intentions are nothing more than conversation.



Maybe I speak too soon. Maybe I say too much.



Sometimes, in the quiet, I get so afraid of what you might have to say.

I'm here.
I'm listening...

For The Record

Are you keeping a record of my ponderings, ramblings, comings and goings? Just in case, I thought I would give you an update.



I began writing this in the morning. It is now officially afternoon. With a SLOW computer, that is just how things must go. It is 42 degrees outside, a toasty 60 degrees inside. I like it cool, just cause. I heard once upon a time that a persons mind works best in cooler temperatures. It is my desire for my brain to work at it's best and considering I am a person...



My feet are covered with a blanket that I have come to love. It is one of my new bestest friends. Burgundy in color, soft as can possibly be and HUGE. If I unfolded it to cover up, I could possibly get lost in it!



The blanket kinda sorta describes my emotions at this moment, or my mind set. Colors bring emotion for me - you too? Today, I have decided, I feel like burgundy which is really a very nice mind set to be in. Soft...my body is in a soothing vacation mode. I am loving every moment, well most of them. I have a mind list of what I am going to clean each day - I have two weeks off. I know, a two week vacation is tough going but hey, I am dealing with it. :)



For the record, the rooster that lives in my neighborhood crows at 5:30 a.m.. It is still dark out. I wonder if I should have wrapped up an alarm clock for a gift so Mr. Rooster would be more accurate in announcing the morning hour.



I heard the donkey braying while I was washing my car earlier. I was unclear if he was wanting a bath also or if he was inquiring if I knew what the temperature was. I opted to not respond and take time to enjoy the sounds. It has been a sweet dream kind of day. I plan a walk down the road sometime this week to meet Mr. Donkey and Mr. Rooster. I doubt they will remember my name or perhaps even care if we meet, but I do. I feel they are a valuable part of my day and want to see the critters that bring the happy sounds to my world.

The train, I like the train too. I cross the railroad tracks each morning when I am heading to work. The train is never passing at that time. I suppose I am happy about that fact. If the train was present, I would have to wait for it to pass and that might make me late for work. There is a down side to most joys in life I am discovering.

A dear friend of mine likes Christmas. Bah Humbug I have had a lot of free time lately and given thought to my Scrooge attitude toward Christmas. Its up to me to have a change of heart, a change of mind but the memories keep flowing through my mind of Christmas pasts. Watching Christmas movies while sipping hot cocoa with marshmallow cream AND miniature marshmallows ( are you envious Patty?) might help me move on in my mind set. At least I am ready to believe it can be so.

On the front porch is a weathered Mum plant. A few weeks ago I decorated it up like a Christmas tree. I noticed it was even more weathered and needed trimming. I carefully took off all of the ornaments and began cutting. Under then old dead twigs and sad looking leaves was new growth. I felt certain it was a whisper from God. I too feel weathered and worn, however, I am surviving the storm and now feel I have confirmation that one day I will view new growth in my life. A tear or two or three drifted down my cheeks. I felt surrounded by angels. I embraced the warmth of Jesus and knew I was on His mind, in His hands and dearly loved. I hope you are able to take time in your day to embrace His love.

The laundry is done. The stove is cleaned. My car is washed. I have received entertainment from the world I live in. The carpet is vacuumed even though it didn't need it. The kitchen cabinets need shelf paper and my toe nails are crying out for a fresh coat of nail polish...what to do , what to do...only 13 days left of vacation...

Maybe

i have always

wanted

someone

i could hold onto

~

until the end

~

someone

like you

~

forever was just a word

something

i only heard about

~

will you

always be there

for me

~

when you say

forever

will i

believe

with my heart and soul

you are my destiny

you and i were meant to be

~

maybe

all i need

is just

a little faith

i'm beginning

to believe

love

will find

a way

~

Merry Christmas

My Destiny

As a new dawn breaks

for me

I find myself dreaming

more

Knowing the future awaits

I wonder if I will find you

I wonder how it will come to be

Will I find you deep in my heart

Will I believe deep in my soul

You were always meant to be

My destiny

Despite It

I have the feeling I am not from this Earth. I know I am not of this Earth but ... hmmm

Or is it that others are not on the same Earth or from the same Earth I am living on.

Why so? That is simple, or so it seems to me. What was so at this moment in time seems to change and no longer exist or at least I find new rules apply. There must be a booklet of amendments I am not aware of. When at this same time yesterday, playful chat was acceptable, rude comments, to me they were rude, replace the play. Hmmm

Are you confused? I hope so, that way you can share in the feeling of confusion that is stirring in me as I think on the moment and as I write.

I have been traveling lately down a road less formed, allowing me to mold the path, allowing me the freedom to blaze a trail before me that is barely worn. Even still, I find as I walk I slip, crawl, run at times and cry at times. I have come too far, although not that far, to turn around now or drop off the face of the Earth like a falling star.

Despite it all, I have love to cover my mistakes. I have a love for you to cover your mistakes too. Real friends do that for each other. Know that I want to love you well. Know that I want to love me well and not get lost in the midst of confusing and foggy moments or days.

Sometimes I find myself weary in the waiting and wonder when the sunrise will appear and wonder if someone will view the beauty of it with me.

After an attempt to not take ownership of the turbulant waters and was unsuccessful, I took medication to calm me then found the stress headache would not relieve itself so after a couple Ibuprofen, I was good to go. Those are bandaids, I know that. At the time, they were a need I had if I expected to move on through my morning. The following day I had a conversation with the person I mentioned above and expressed how I had felt.....kinda sorta....then allowed them time to express how they were feeling. That is the real medication I needed but the timing was not right. That is the process that needs to happen if a person wants to be mentally healthy. There are always quick fixes for stress, anxiety and any other negative emotions, my personal favorite is a thick, dark chocolate bar! giggle But the time comes when a gal has got to dig deep and find out the underlying source of the negativity that brought about the bandaid request...in my case, and maybe in yours too, why not wait until you have consumed AT LEAST HALF of the chocolate.

So what am I sitting here waiting for now...

...will you walk with me my friend as I take the next step?
Will you join me as I enter the first day of the rest of my life?
I think my life is going to be a Cinderella story.

In Place

I put the hair dryer back in its place. I grabbed up the straps of my make up bag and put it back in its place.

I looked in the mirror. The hair dryer was my friend this morning, every hair is in its place.

I see my attempt at applying mascara to my eye lashes rather than on my eye lids has been successful. Once again, everything in its place is what I can say.

But why then the sad eyes?

Because my life is not in its place like the rest of me seems to be - at least this morning.

I don't like to be sad but it is an emotion that exists and so I must except it. I don't expect each of my days to leave me with only happiness. I never fooled myself in that way - that my dreams will come true. Being use to set backs, I anticipate sadness to creep in and find its place in my life. All the same, I hate it, wouldn't you?

So....

What happens now - I wonder

Being who I am

I seem to be a magnet

for anyone to hurt me

and people do


I think I'll be fine

well

maybe not that fine

but

I'll survive anyhow


I always do

Question

I was wondering, do you take on burdens that don't belong to you? Do you recognize them when you do?

I often feel responsible for everyone's well being. I am learning to acknowledge burdens I place on myself that don't belong to me and kinda sorta disown them.

However, there is more, isn't there always?

Recently for example, I allowed myself to carry a burden that did not belong to me. Within a few minutes, I realized what I had done. I told myself that the burden was not mine to carry and placed it where it should be. Or so I thought.

This all happened the other night. That day, I found myself dragging through the day. It became clear to me I was dragging because of the extra weight from the burden I was yet carrying.

So, I asked myself - am I then suppose to own this burden or is my desire to be a people pleaser and fixer of the wrongs this world serves out to the weak and the strong, taking over.

Tough question. I'm going to have to give it more thought now....

conversation

...and so it went, coffee brewed and whispered conversations from nearby tables blended in with their own words on the aspects of love. They both agreed, tis true, love changes everything - hands and faces and how you view the earth and sky. Love can make days fly by and nights last a lifetime. With one look or the delivery of a letter, nothing is ever quite the same.

Words mean more, hearts can sing, pain is deeper than before. Your world is turned around. Future years are shaped by love. Wisdom disappears, rules are broken. People go where they didn't intend to. Passions come alive.

...and so it was, the next few words she spoke were nothing like I'd ever heard her speak before. She said she had found the answer. Her first love was the only true love she had ever had and knows it should have been her last. She knew for certain, the next time she fell in love, it would be with him. For her, there could be no day or night, no life or breath without him by her side. She would not settle for what would get her through the night any longer. The flame she thought was long since dead, suddenly burned once again.

All this she said with sparkling eyes that displayed her love and a contented smile that caused her very being and the love she felt to radiate through the room. It was if no one else was speaking.

She had never felt like that before. She told me that no matter what she did or where she was, she saw his face appearing. It was like a unexpected song that only they were hearing.

The past was far behind her, behind them.

The room grew silent as she spoke fer final words...

...until I did...there is only him.

Of What Use

Some days I wonder what use I can of to anyone now. So much has happened. When I give thought to some of my yesterdays I feel like I am moving through a cloud I can't break free of.

I do feel much more alive these days. However, past experience causes me to pause and ask myself if I will suddenly find all that I have, all that I have become, slip away.

The dreams that I dreamed, hoping things would change; well, the changes came but the dreams had to change with it. I'm going to need help to keep the new dreams thriving and make them come true.

My conclusion is, sometimes there is nothing left but to believe as I pick up the pieces.

Saturdays

Saturdays have become memorable. I don't have a season pass to musicals, but wish I did. I don't spend the day shopping, however, an enchanting idea, my budget is lacking.

I clean.

I love the process of moving furniture to vacuum, washing windows, even though my fingers needed a serious thawing when I was done, dusting and then catching the scent of furniture polish in the air as I work my way from room to room.

I could have done the same on any Saturday in the past however, having teens in the house made the pleasure of cleaning become more of a game that I kept losing.

I don't anticipate the cleaning routine on Saturdays to be a forever thing. I don't know what changes may enter my world. I know what my dreams are for future Saturdays. For now, I'll keep them to myself. For now, I will be quite content cleaning.

Broken Open

Love, it's a complicated emotion isn't it? Is it possible to love someone, then suddenly, not love them?

As I pondered that thought, I began to think on another emotion - dislike. When you forgive that person what is the emotion toward them then? It can't be captured in the word forgiveness, that is an act. Does it then become like? You like that person?

If so, does love, when it grows cold and you find the only ember that remains, strike a match or gently blow, attempting to bring back the flame and you get nothin', what then?

I am there now, watching the last ember of love slowly fade away. As I search through memories and days of old, try as I might, I get nothin' one way or the other - love or dislike.

Is this a process of healing and this stage I have entered become nothingness, giving my heart and mind a place to dwell through with gentleness and ease until the day comes when a clear emotion will drift through?

Could I have done more?
Why do hearts change?
How is it that love can fade?

Can those you once loved, still be friends when the love you once had, the moments you once shared, vanish? And of that certain someone I once upon a time thought I knew by heart, the one I shared a life with, can I sift through our past life together and from that, make a memory bouquet? Is that what people do?

I wonder...
Will the stars fall from the sky?
Will there be no tears left to cry?
Will clocks stop in my world?

And what of those tears that fall like rain? Because they surely do and will fall. Do I keep them in a bottle?

And what of those words? The ones that are unspoken. Will I ever speak them and when I do, will they fall on deaf ears?

And what of the feeling of brokenness, who or what will heal me in my broken places?

I wonder...

This life of mine, will it be able to turn into something from the nothing that it was?

I fear I was wasting time.

As in all affairs of the heart, there are two sides to the story. I only know one - mine. I know he has thoughts and feelings he seems unable to express, but how long must I wait? How many chances do I surrender to? I am sorry only means something when it is backed up with actions that prove the I am sorry was sincere.

No more talk of darkness now. I will forget my fears and I place them far behind me. I know my heart is safe now. I have found my freedom as daylight drys my tears. I will talk of summer time again. All I want is a world with no more night.

He Smiled

On one day last week as I drove to work, in the dark once again, I was taken by surprise once the sun did rise. The normal pink colored clouds were given a new color - blue. I am certain there is a shade of blue with a name so fabulous that it would make me sigh but the change in color made me smile and put a song on my heart.

...and I said to the Lord, as I knew He was listening, "So, you have made some changes in your world too!"

He smiled. I am certain He did, and knew exactly what I was referring to.

Old Friend

I ran into an old and dear friend. What I meant by old was from long ago but not so far away. However, after 30+ years we both are older so maybe old speaking age wise is accurate also.

I suppose the reason we ran into each other is due to my getting out more, or something like that.

What a surprise it was. Actually, it was a very nice surprise. Our first chat was unusual for me. I listened mostly. There was a lot of catching up to do! As I watched their expressions and as they talked, familiarity returned.

How about you? Ever run into an old classmate or friend from long ago?

Faces and bodies change. Even personalities change as we grow and mature. Somewhere deep down, we are still the same in many ways. That part that makes us who we are never seems to go away or change. As for me, I am glad for the meeting. I am elated at having the opportunity to rekindle a friendship.

How about you?

Funk

Ready or not, life keeps moving on. Days come quickly, nights seem to end just as I start to settle in.

Some days I hurt. I wake in a funk - is that a word?

Hurt - I keep having bad dreams. Actually, I keep having the same bad dream night after night. I see darkness and from that, a hand grabs my arm and tries to pull at me. I feel frozen with a fear that wakes me up. I lie there with the vision and sensation still feeling very real. I try to gain my senses. I look for what I can see of the night sky through the window, hoping to find a calmness. Then once again I close my eyes and try to rest only to have the dream reoccur.

For three or four nights this has been a pattern. It makes me weary. At first, I dismissed it and get on with my day. Now, it is affecting my mood. The dream has found a dwelling place deep inside my mind. As I walk through my morning and day, I can't seem to shake it off.

I should I suppose, talk about it, that is the adult and healthy thing to do, but I can't find the worlds to express how it makes me feel just yet. Also, I don't want to burden anyone with the foolish emotions I am allowing the dream to give to me.

I kinda sorta know the force the darkness and hand represent. At least I think I do. Perhaps if I rationalize it, ponder on it more, brainstorm with someone, I will be rid of the bad dream and be in a better place. In my continued crazy self talk, I have decided that if I get it out in the open, the enemy, the force that owns the hand, will retaliate in some way and then my night dreams will become worse.

What words would I use to explain to someone that the nervousness I express and the tears that well up in my yes, have nothing to do with their actions or presence? Although, I allow words and actions to trigger reminder of what I felt because of the dream.

I know, I have to deal with the dream somehow. At this moment, days after the experience began, all I can find to do is write my inner thoughts. I don't feel I have the strength to form words yet.

I am allowing what I am going through to cause me to feel sad, inadequate and like a failure. I want to find a mountain top to sit on all alone. I want to shout to the heavens of my misery. I need to weep and be rid of the flow of tears I keep holding back and the bad dream once and for all. I long for peace to return to my heart and my night. I fear the end of the day knowing that very soon I will once again lay my head on the soft pillow, snuggle up under the covers, close my yes to find the bad dream has not left me or given up.

I like the clean but I am not aware of any cleanser or dust cloth I can use to wipe away the darkness and the hand that grabs at me. I don't know of a potion to sip that will magically poof away the vision and the fear.

All I have left is hope. Hope that tonight when I close my eyes, a new dream will find me.

friend

I haven't posted it yet, but I have run into an old and dear friend recently. We have been visiting off and on, our work schedules seem to get in the way as work can do. However, I have already learned a lot from hanging around my friend by listening to them. Not so much to their words but to their actions. I am a listener and as such, I have found that watching a persons facial expressions and how their body language works tells me more than their words do.


What I learned recently from them is this.....one morning last week I woke to my regular routine of viewing the outside to see what the day has brought....even through the darkness of the mornings I still can see what I need to know about the day, and then the coffee pot gets turned on so I can experience the fresh brewed coffee once my shower is complete.

That morning, right as I was done shaving one leg, the water from the shower head made an odd dripping sound.....my eyes drifted in that direction and I began to panic. My hair was covered in conditioner. My one leg was still covered with shaving cream and the other was only half way done!

I quickly dropped the razor and rinsed my hair. A princess can't go to work with icky hair you know. I saw that in the rule book...giggle

I had JUST enough to rinse my hair for the most part but had to leave for work with only a partial leg shaved and well, you know about the other leg.

I told my friend how the water pipes must have frozen and there is no water. I expected a sudden rush to make a phone call or jump up to the rescue or maybe at least join my complain club. But they didn't. They were silent and listened to me. HEY! That's my job to be the listener. :)

I learned a lot from that moment. I pondered on the drive into work on how they handled it. I need to be more like that, to have more calmness. Things get done more efficiently when you have calmness. I know that but just have never given it much thought.




However, I got to be a bit of myself when I got to work. I reported to a fellow staff member of how I had no water. Her arms fell to her side in pouting, hissy throwing fashion and reported to me that she had no electricity that morning due to the cold. I was sure she would be stomping her feet any moment. I saw how it looked to not have calmness and ran through my mind how much more graceful and soothing it was to chat with someone, although a one sided chat, who handled the news so much more soundly. I realized then how I want to be in the future, how I want to handle life's glitches, large or small.

So we both continued to complained for a minute or two. I felt I might as well since it will be hopefully the last time I get to throw a hissy fit!

Ahhhhh it was bliss....giggle

It was kinda sorta strange for me. I got off work and went shopping for a Christmas party outfit. Last Christmas party I went to was six years ago at a fellow teachers home. We all wore clothes we would wear to school - to work in. Not this time. It was a dressy event so guess where I went?

Remember my summer escapedes when I went for a me day and on the way stopped at a clothing store and found the clothes to my liking but with prices so high it took two hands to hold the tag! That is where I went.

They didn't have the slacks I wanted so I bought the top there. It was a deep red with black flocking and touches of golden thread. I liked it very much. I headed to my frequent stop shop and found the slacks but shoes were another issue. No shoes I liked so...on to another store.

As I finally headed home I looked at the time and saw it was 6:30 p.m. already. Late for me. Old requirements were I must be home before 5 and dinner on the table at 5.

I didn't get home until 7:00 p.m. that night. Dinner was dished up at 10:00 p.m. the best part was - it was all acceptable.

The drive home was almost as wonderful as the drive to work was. It was past dark when I came home that night. Don't ask what past dark is...it just is.

giggle

I have four sons and a daughter. Four of them are very healthy, always have been. One has been sickly since birth with everything from the normal childhood illnesses to the rare and unusual in the medical sense.

For a few years he was mad at God. He blamed God for his medical conditions and said God could heal him if He wanted to but my son was certain God hated him and simply wouldn't.

Lately that same son has been coming to me with news of how God has done this for him or that for him. My son is pleased. I am glad and as a mother - relieved.

Today he got some news from his doctor telling him of a new medical condition to add to the list.

I haven't talked to him yet in length about it but from what I head in his voice, he is handling it well.

Life is blissful

Counting

I had to count - last Saturday was the third Saturday since my move. It has gone by quickly and yet it seems a life time ago.

Am I happy? Yes and no. Happy yes, because I finally made a right decision and made the move.

Happy no, because the move created some stressed I'd just a soon not have.

But what is life without a little stress? Stress can challenge us. That's the good in it. It can cause us to grow in how we learn to handle it. As for me, I will embrace the challenges.

Stress - money is tight. I visioned it not being so but my idea of how much money I would need was not reality, but I am dealing with it.

My sons are more needy and that is a bit stressful since I am not present to walk them through their latest issues.

Then there is the drive to work. I love the drive but at one point each morning I pass a certain person on the highway heading in the opposite direction. I find myself in anxious anticipation built with a bit of fear or nervousness if my driving or the way I am sitting in the car or the time of our passing will be acceptable to them. I wonder if they will think I am going too fast or too slow. I wonder if they will question why I am earlier or later than the day before.

It's crazy talk, I know that, however it doesn't change my thinking or my mood.

Why do I continue to allow people to control me? Is it a learned behavior I must unlearn? Are the answers in a book or is it a process each of us go through moment by moment as we make our way to a better mental health state?

I have come to the conclusion that the answer lies with God. Since you nor I are God as God is God, and He holds all the answer that we will never know or understand.

So, I turn to God for answers. I will walk more closely with Jesus and when in my day I find myself overwhelmed with sadness or negative emotions, I will ask my Adoni to hold me. I will ask the Holy Spirit to help me keep heavens view in sight and guide my walk.

People Pleaser

I am a people pleaser. Yes I know, that is a learned behavior but it is also my gift as a servant to do for others.

Someone said to me the other day that they appreciated all I do for them but what do I do for Nancy - me.

Hmmmm - Yikes

I didn't give a response. Mostly because I had forgotten that in order to be a healthier me, I must not forget myself, my needs and wants.

It's been so long since I thought about me that I really don't know how to begin.

So that explains why I spent the majority of the weekend cleaning the house and reorganizing the kitchen. (Yes Patty, I emptied cupboards, cleaned them and put things back as I thought of you and how much fun and how many giggles we would be having. I thought about the stories we would tell or make up as we sorted through spices and cans then lined the shelves with fresh shelf liner.) I love to clean!

I had music playing kinda sorta loud as I cleaned so I could sing along without damaging the neighbors ears or at the very least, interfering with their well being.

To conclude my weekend of splendor, I got out of bed a bit early on Sunday morning to write. I can't fully enjoy the moment though without a hot cup of coffee and a candle burning so I made coffee too and lit the only candle I could find.

I sat on a couch with the front door cracked open. The more than crisp air reminded me of the light layer of snow that drifted to earth the night before. Remnants of it remained.

With the door cracked open, I could more clearly hear the rooster and donkey neighbors welcoming the morning as they wait for breakfast.

All this has brought me peace, joy and a comfort I have been needing and longing for.

Life is good.

Let's Make a Deal

You have three doors to choose from on Let's Make a Deal. I woke up picturing those doors.

Only thing was, I likened them to life doors.

Door number one leads to a greed and selfishness where wants and sinful desires are met. You get close enough and you can peer through the peep hole and see all your fantasies can be realized. Every selfish dream you have will come true. You can have it all but it will cost you. Not financially but in relationships. There are not many people I know who enjoy spending time with self centered people. Even self centered people despise being with others that are of like kind.

Behind door number three, it is an empty space. That's where you lose identity. You enter to reside in a world where your every thought and move is shaped and molded by the one in control - whoever that may be.

Door number two is a place where the lovely people live. And live they do. People caring for others. You find value and self worth. There is little to worry on. You laugh and they share your joy. You cry and others comfort you and hand you a lace bordered hanky to dry your tears. Dreams are possible. Your wants and needs are provided for.

I wonder...

Is there such a door? Does a place like that truly exist?

Is it fair? Is it right that all those doors are there to choose from? I don't know. I am not the judge. At the moment, I am following my heart that wants to live behind door number two.

...and so it was

they asked me if I missed him. My response was a sure and quick no.

Is it cruel that I feel that way? Am I an uncaring person?

I could answer quickly because of what they didn't know - I had already given that question thought.

I answered truthfully, even though it seemed harsh, because meaningful conversations are based on honesty. Don't you agree?

As I said, I had given that question previous thought. A more accurate response is I don't miss the me I was when he was near me. I don't miss the fear, the uneasiness, the feeling that I was always in trouble and never meeting their expectations.

Or maybe the I don't miss him response comes from the gut wrenching pain I still have that brings tears to my eyes when the memories drift into my brain and I hear those few final last utterings, "Who will clean the house? who will cook the meal?"

That saddens me.

I'm not angry at him. I know I did my very best to right the wrongs, to reach out for tools to fix the situation and did all I could to transform myself into someone I no longer recognized all for the sake of love.

I got lost.

I became frustrated at the situation, nothing seemed to be of help.

The fact that I still have fear and pain rise up in me that feels as fresh and surface like as the day I left, leaves me to conclude that there is no other answer than distance.

Why does life have to be that way?

Someone said to me that when a relationship ends, someone loses. I disagreed. Both lose. I think it's a given but then, it's only my experience and observations that tell me so.

Here's the thing...

I listen and hear ALL your words, even the ones you toss out and really didn't mean to say. I feel it is my responsibility to do so because I respect you.

Here's the other thing - I need you to know I still feel fragile. My healing process is not a miracle over night event. As much as I'd like to consider myself a princess, I am not Cinderella and I don't have a fairy godmother that waves her magic wand and 'poof', I am delivered mind wise, from here to there.

My healing will be and is just as I said, a process. Each day I will become stronger and I know that in each day, I may still find hurt and confusion.

Please don't ask me to deal with it, get over it or stop it. I wish I were more like you and could move on at your speed and on your course. Know that I am working on it. Thank you for your patience...your going to need it.

Mistakes

Do you know it is ok to make a mistake?

Do you know it is ok to have your own opinion?

I didn't. At least I felt it was not ok and it was not acceptable to make a mistake and to voice my opinion.

I still hurt inside when I make a comment or state how I feel, then see and hear looks of frustration, a raised voice and looks of disappointment. Old habits come back to me. I fidget with my hands, my eyes well up with tears, my heart feels pain.

But, I recover. I restate their words to them and again reclaim my views. I know I am stronger. I am refusing to allow the way I had to think and speak be a part of who I am today.

In the past, I have allowed others, their words and actions, to interfere with my well being.

It has to stop. I have to be the one to make the change. I don't mean by not listening or avoiding those kinds of people. What I mean is, changing the way I receive what I am given by their words and actions.

I don't think most people mean to hurt others but still, I allow some people to hurt me. So, it's up to me - It's up to you also if you are in the same position I was and am in, to make the change.

It is not easy, for me anyway, to make that change. I just keep telling myself that I have value and I remind myself that I am loved. Eventually, I will get it...right?

I will follow the rules. I will care for others - their feelings, opinions and accept their differences.

However, I walk more boldly.

I like being me.

Patty

I am still without a computer other than the library, but want you to know I think of you and will get back in contact with you via email soon.
I hope all is well and you are recovering from surgery with speed.

Your friend,
Nancy

....as if

hmmm

it seems to me

the more that time passes

with each new moment

as it enters my life

I am beginning to feel

it is as if

we never said goodbye at all.

Rambling

I feel a need to ramble, care to join me?

The morning sounds are new now for me. I hear a train announcing its presence. Somehow it sounds lonely but in a hurry. I hear a rooster crowing the alarm, letting me and the neighbors know that morning has broken.

I hear a donkey braying. Maybe he wants his morning meal or maybe he is lonely too.

The morning views are new also. From my bedroom window I can see a broken down long, thick moss covered shed that needed to be torn down years ago. It has a country quality that is endearing to me and makes me feel comforted. Trees are all around but not close enough for my liking.

A low layer of morning mist forms a thick cloud layer just beneath the tree tops.

The morning drive to work is much longer than before but that's OK. I drive along the freeway and have time to view shops and areas I have never seen before. Some of the days the sky is painted bright pink. Some of the days like today, the fog is thick, the sky is dark but still, I love the drive. Mmmmm, I treasure the view.

As I write, I realize my new morning sights and sounds describe my life now - new, lonely, broken down, filled with brilliant color, new sights and experiences that I find myself delighting in.

Lonely - I miss seeing my children everyday. I miss doing mom things.

In a hurry - I find myself grasping at and embracing this new life but I am really in no hurry or want to rush it along. I want to savor each second, each event.

Broken down - kinda sorta describes my life at this moment in time.

I've met new people. A couple came over the other night. I wasn't feeling anxious at the idea of company or entertaining. I was relaxed. I laughed. I chatted. I was accepted.

Why haven't I felt that way in the past? I pondered that thought awhile after they left. Later, I gave voice to my emotions and got some great feedback. I think I understand why it was so easy for me to handle company. I was given the freedom to be myself. I could breath. I loved it!

My conclusion at the end of this first week of freedom and adventure is enlightening and gives me the knowledge that it is possible I just might make it to normalcy. Is that a word? If it is COOL. If it isn't, it is now...giggle

I find I am thankful.
I find myself recording more than a handful of blessings in my new life.
I find I smile more, I laugh more.
I'm finding my voice.
I'm finding I like discovering the lost me.

P.S. Sally, I am still not hooked up to the internet and have not been able to make it to the library to use the computer to send you a note...so...good morning, enjoy your day. Love, Nancy