Funk

Ready or not, life keeps moving on. Days come quickly, nights seem to end just as I start to settle in.

Some days I hurt. I wake in a funk - is that a word?

Hurt - I keep having bad dreams. Actually, I keep having the same bad dream night after night. I see darkness and from that, a hand grabs my arm and tries to pull at me. I feel frozen with a fear that wakes me up. I lie there with the vision and sensation still feeling very real. I try to gain my senses. I look for what I can see of the night sky through the window, hoping to find a calmness. Then once again I close my eyes and try to rest only to have the dream reoccur.

For three or four nights this has been a pattern. It makes me weary. At first, I dismissed it and get on with my day. Now, it is affecting my mood. The dream has found a dwelling place deep inside my mind. As I walk through my morning and day, I can't seem to shake it off.

I should I suppose, talk about it, that is the adult and healthy thing to do, but I can't find the worlds to express how it makes me feel just yet. Also, I don't want to burden anyone with the foolish emotions I am allowing the dream to give to me.

I kinda sorta know the force the darkness and hand represent. At least I think I do. Perhaps if I rationalize it, ponder on it more, brainstorm with someone, I will be rid of the bad dream and be in a better place. In my continued crazy self talk, I have decided that if I get it out in the open, the enemy, the force that owns the hand, will retaliate in some way and then my night dreams will become worse.

What words would I use to explain to someone that the nervousness I express and the tears that well up in my yes, have nothing to do with their actions or presence? Although, I allow words and actions to trigger reminder of what I felt because of the dream.

I know, I have to deal with the dream somehow. At this moment, days after the experience began, all I can find to do is write my inner thoughts. I don't feel I have the strength to form words yet.

I am allowing what I am going through to cause me to feel sad, inadequate and like a failure. I want to find a mountain top to sit on all alone. I want to shout to the heavens of my misery. I need to weep and be rid of the flow of tears I keep holding back and the bad dream once and for all. I long for peace to return to my heart and my night. I fear the end of the day knowing that very soon I will once again lay my head on the soft pillow, snuggle up under the covers, close my yes to find the bad dream has not left me or given up.

I like the clean but I am not aware of any cleanser or dust cloth I can use to wipe away the darkness and the hand that grabs at me. I don't know of a potion to sip that will magically poof away the vision and the fear.

All I have left is hope. Hope that tonight when I close my eyes, a new dream will find me.