...and so it was

they asked me if I missed him. My response was a sure and quick no.

Is it cruel that I feel that way? Am I an uncaring person?

I could answer quickly because of what they didn't know - I had already given that question thought.

I answered truthfully, even though it seemed harsh, because meaningful conversations are based on honesty. Don't you agree?

As I said, I had given that question previous thought. A more accurate response is I don't miss the me I was when he was near me. I don't miss the fear, the uneasiness, the feeling that I was always in trouble and never meeting their expectations.

Or maybe the I don't miss him response comes from the gut wrenching pain I still have that brings tears to my eyes when the memories drift into my brain and I hear those few final last utterings, "Who will clean the house? who will cook the meal?"

That saddens me.

I'm not angry at him. I know I did my very best to right the wrongs, to reach out for tools to fix the situation and did all I could to transform myself into someone I no longer recognized all for the sake of love.

I got lost.

I became frustrated at the situation, nothing seemed to be of help.

The fact that I still have fear and pain rise up in me that feels as fresh and surface like as the day I left, leaves me to conclude that there is no other answer than distance.

Why does life have to be that way?

Someone said to me that when a relationship ends, someone loses. I disagreed. Both lose. I think it's a given but then, it's only my experience and observations that tell me so.