Lost

It is a known fact that when I take a trip, short or long, to a new location, I get lost. It has been a mild but hurtful joke with my sons for years but I am ready to move past that.

I had not even given it thought... why do I always got lost...I give every other itty bitty thing in my life thought.

I know why now. I knew why but realize, like with many things, I blocked it out.

When I was in my early twenties, a traveled places to and fro without mapquest or google. I had confidence. I was unafraid to try new adventures and with an exciting world out there to explore, I was a bit more of a diver than a wader.

Then along came a someone into my life and a few happenings, that I allowed to steal my confidence away. I know it is my fault. My only defense is I didn't see it coming and was not properly armed.

These words are razors to my wounded heart. - William Shakespere

The way I had become, the person I saw myself as was shaped by those around me, those I loved and held dear in my heart.

I had no confidence. I knew that whether I did my best or failed, it didn't really matter. There would be fault found in everything I did. I never have been able to meet that someones expectations. I don't know why. Maybe they don't either. It becomes draining. I have become weary.

Recently I went on a couple of trips my myself. They were insightful. I am noticing that the more positive thoughts that I fill myself with, the more the negative ones dissolve. In this recent heat wave we are having most likely they are melting out of me :) I set my own expectation of time arrival, stops along the way, etc. It was liberating.

I have two more trips planned for this summer. I am ready to take a risk. I am going alone. When I pack my bags...HEY, I am a woman who requires more than one bag on a trip...I will be armed, prepared and am going to enjoy rediscovering the confidence that once was lost and I am so desperately seeking. I know I can't always wait for change to take place. I know I need to be an active participant.

"...do not give way to fear. " Peter 3:6

"now we should live when the pulse of life is strong. Life is a tenuous thing..fragile, fleeting. Don't wait for tomorrow. Be here now!"

"You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free."
Tom Petty




"Then the time came when the risk it took
to remain tight in a bed was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom
Anais Nin

I ran around the room again
I ran outside and ran back in
And I just couldn't get away from myself
I don't care what tomorrow brings
I won't back down for anything
I want to think that I was made for something else


I can't wait anymore
I'm ready to reach
So I'm closing the door behind me


All that I can do is hold onto you
And follow where you lead
Where you're leading me
All that I can do is hold onto you
And let you bring me through
It's all that I can do

There are days I think I don't need you
There are days when I can't see the truth
I need you to save me from the lies
Because every thought that's in my head
And even when I draw my next breath
You knew it all before there was time


When the waves begin to rise
And all my hope fails
In confidence I'll close my eyes
Trusting you'll be there